The Robot's Thoughts

I have a plan.

A plan I can stick to.

A plan that, whatever the outcome, will leave me in a better place than I was before I had the plan.

Mileposts have passed. I've made great strides. Where I was Thursday can be seen only if I squint while looking back.

The friends close enough to know my machinations, approve of this plan. Explaining it in Therapy got me a double thumbs up. The few that question, well, their concerns have always been noted.

I'm not avoiding the things that put my heart in my throat. Good or bad, its the scenery on my path.

My suffering, needless or not, is like a rainstorm. It will cross my path, but depart from it as well. The lesson is to appreciate the rain; appreciate the sun. Both are impermanent. Both matter in the moments they are present.

I apologize to anyone curious enough to read this post, looking for more truth than some simplistic, abstract jibber-jabber. For you, I have a story. I reconnected with my old roommate. She and I spent Sunday evening watching FX's new show, Archer, and a few Dexter episodes. I fell asleep next to her, because I hadn't gotten a good night's sleep all weekend. She woke me up when it was time to take her home. It was really good to see her. I hadn't realized how much I missed her until I woke up, head on her shoulder. My cat, Kara, really seems to like how she smells, probably because she has cats as well. I think I'm going to start watching MAD MEN with her, however, as I've already seen Dexter enough.

The Chinese character for "heart" is the same character for "mind". Heart and Mind are one. Little things like that are neat facts I like to learn .

Apparently Target is selling these:


I can't wait to find one that will fit Kara. Then she can be dressed up if I throw a "formal party" or something.

It wouldn't be a night out at Bent Willey's if I wasn't stuck between two groups of Guidos from Jersey who cut in line, arguing over which one of them is more hardcore because of where in Jersey they grew up. Nothing like starting a night out with a a metaphorical dick measuring contest.

At the same night, a friend of a friend was turning 21. I was supposed to meet the birthday girl on the behest of my friends, because "she's single, you're single." It's like the game memory: There's one, there's another. Match!

She never made it out to Bent because her house party was packed and happening and all that Jazz. So I ended up alone at Bent. I was going to go home, crash early for church, but my friend Arzu came out, paying back one of the many favors I racked up supporting her through a traumatic break-up. Her boyfriend, her, and myself danced the remainder of the night away, and I felt less sad for doing so. Talk about a life saver.

I ended up meeting someone named Brooke. She was out with her boyfriend. I had one conversation with her, asking her about her leopard print gloves. That pseudo-80s style looks like something that Jen would like, and something that would be for sale at Rue 21. After that conversation, I got death stares from her boyfriend anytime I entered his visual field. I found that a little flattering. Thank you, whoever you are, for thinking me a threat, when she's obviously out of my league.

Nightlife stories aside, I've covered three chapters on Buddhism in my readings. I have to put it down soon to do homework, otherwise I won't be able to go out to Swing Dance tomorrow night. I definitely want to have my Lindi Hop down should I decide to relocate to a more urban area after graduation. But I'm covering the basic stuff right now. It will help me grow, but as of yet, it will not help me heal.

My curious kitten Kara had her first experience with Sriracha, also known as "Cock Sauce" for the rooster on its label. She got too close when sniffing the bottle (before I could take it off the table) and got some on her nose. She spent like 20 minutes silently sneezing as she tried to purge the burnination from her sinuses. Poor kitty.

My best friend Chuck is throwing a send-off party this weekend in Pittsburgh. To complete his PhD Fellowship, he has to spend 4 months doing research in Brazil as part of a sustainability study. Basically, he's trying to build sensors that could tell us if an oil pipeline is going to blow up from overpressure. Hopefully, it will prevent pipelines from becoming eco-disasters in the future.

 It will suck that he will not be around for 4 months, but this weekend will surely be a good time. We're going out on a bar crawl, after going to the hofbrauhaus in Pittsburgh. German beer, german food, live music, with a night of drinking with fellow Pens fans.  I should only be out of town for day. Chuck wants space this weekend to pack, and I have a cat that I don't want to leave alone, seeing as she is undaunted by high balconies, expensive computers, or spicy sauces. She needs attention and supervision. But who knows, depending on how much time I have, I might stop by and visit some of my friends out in the Swickley area.

Therapy is going well, in the sense that I'm comfortable being there and talking about what's going on with my life. I'm at a point where I'm conflicted with my temper. There are two selfish people here in Morgantown, whom I have every right to be mad at them, and wish very bad things upon them, but on the same token, I really have no reason to be upset with them. I think discussing how to manage anger in these situations will be beneficial to the work in progress that is me.

My goal this week is to focus on my breathing, which I'm doing as part of my meditation anyway, and aside from cataloging and confronting automatic negative thoughts I'm to focus on creating automatic positive thoughts. I've always thought my cynical thoughts were an aid to being an engineer. When you can imagine what can go wrong, you can safeguard against it. Its the unknown unknowns that really get you in life.

Well, enough for now. Back to the grind.

I think this quote speaks for itself:

'A successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of
wrongs committed, apologies offered, and forgiveness
granted, all leavened by the occasional orgasm.'
-- Dan Savage

For those watching this space, there will be more updates to my blog coming soon.

There will probably be one long post looking back over 2009 coming up soon.

In the mean time, I'll tide you over with these three small bits and pieces of my life.

The first is that I'm quitting smoking. I started shortly my break up. I was mourning. Love is an intangible thing, but it can still die suddenly and leaves those who still believe in filled with second thoughts and deep regret.

The second is that I've started seeing a therapist. One of the co-workers I'm on good terms with, and whose judgement I trust, recommended someone to me. I've only covered an initial interview, and set some goals; how I progress is entirely up to me, I suppose. How much left over energy I have between work, 9 credits of grad school, and an apartment search is still up in the air.

Finally, I fell asleep behind the wheel on my way to work yesterday. I was heading off the road when the rumble strips woke me and allowed me to correct my course. If you know anyone who had to do with the invention of rumble strips, thank them for me.