Friday, May 07, 2004
Apparently I am wierd and clingy
A close friend of mine suffered a death in the family.
Death has only personally struck at my loved ones twice, and it felt like twice too many --cliche as it sounds.
I may not understand how she grieves, or what it means for her, but I know how much my family has spent to see me come this far, and I know how much I owe them.
I've wanted to be a computer engineer since I was 16. When my father lost his job teaching at Bucknell University, there was a contract dispute. He had to decide to take a pittance severance, or have his case tied up in the courts for years. My sister's last semester started in two weeks, and I was leaving for college soon.
We were counting on those benefits to eat up the burden of tutition. I knew there is no way I could be a computer engineer without a college degree, anymore then my sister could be a respected artist without her degree.
He took the pittance rather then fight. He did it for us.
So back to the wierd and clingy part
This person is one of those good friends I can open up to about anything. She was also starting to date somebody, and I wanted to keep up in the affairs of her life.
After all, only total strangers and total lovers can speak openly. Where else am I going to vent about relationship-issues (should they arise) then someone i've met on this new fangled internet?
Also, I needed someone to talk to. In just a week, my life has taken so many twists. I've gotten a job in my field. And a car to get to this job. Which at the moment isn't working. Grrr......
I'm burdened with new expenses. And blessed with new experiences. But through it all, I've felt a little disconnected from myself, and a little depressed. Maybe its the weight of all the bills I'm going to have to pay (car insurance, credit card, tutition, rent, board, etc). Or the fact that this job could disappear if I'm not a "top performer". If i don't fit in, or work well enough and hard enough, this job of mine won't be waiting for me upon graduation with increased pay. I will be hunting for a job, fresh out of college, in a bad region, an overall bad economy, and a stain on my resume. *Shudders*
And I can't stay up late anymore!!!!!
Its an hour commute. Not bad, but for some reason my boss wants me to be working at 7am. Even being late by 2 minutes is seen as a very bad thing. So I should be going to bed at 9 or 10pm so that when I get up at 5am and start getting ready for the day, I'm actually conscious. I need 8 hours of sleep for 8 hours of work, when you consider that "work" is parking your ass in front of a computer all day.
So maybe, just maybe, in my desiresfor human contact (besides my loving and understand girlfriend) and shaking off these blues o' mine, I've become a wierd and clingly motherfucker.
So what? I was wierd back when I was in beta, biach.
Don't like multiple voice mails? Don't check it.
God forbid someone might actually want to cheer you up. Or see how you were doing. Or cared at all, for the sake of what friendship is to him.
For the fight club fans among the readers, I am Jack's immature, ranting, self-obsessed blogger.
I might sound like I'm a fucking 17 year old kid. In one way, that's what I'm reduced to.
What else are you going to do when you need to vent and nobody wants to listen except bitch on the internet?
A close friend of mine suffered a death in the family.
Death has only personally struck at my loved ones twice, and it felt like twice too many --cliche as it sounds.
I may not understand how she grieves, or what it means for her, but I know how much my family has spent to see me come this far, and I know how much I owe them.
I've wanted to be a computer engineer since I was 16. When my father lost his job teaching at Bucknell University, there was a contract dispute. He had to decide to take a pittance severance, or have his case tied up in the courts for years. My sister's last semester started in two weeks, and I was leaving for college soon.
We were counting on those benefits to eat up the burden of tutition. I knew there is no way I could be a computer engineer without a college degree, anymore then my sister could be a respected artist without her degree.
He took the pittance rather then fight. He did it for us.
So back to the wierd and clingy part
This person is one of those good friends I can open up to about anything. She was also starting to date somebody, and I wanted to keep up in the affairs of her life.
After all, only total strangers and total lovers can speak openly. Where else am I going to vent about relationship-issues (should they arise) then someone i've met on this new fangled internet?
Also, I needed someone to talk to. In just a week, my life has taken so many twists. I've gotten a job in my field. And a car to get to this job. Which at the moment isn't working. Grrr......
I'm burdened with new expenses. And blessed with new experiences. But through it all, I've felt a little disconnected from myself, and a little depressed. Maybe its the weight of all the bills I'm going to have to pay (car insurance, credit card, tutition, rent, board, etc). Or the fact that this job could disappear if I'm not a "top performer". If i don't fit in, or work well enough and hard enough, this job of mine won't be waiting for me upon graduation with increased pay. I will be hunting for a job, fresh out of college, in a bad region, an overall bad economy, and a stain on my resume. *Shudders*
And I can't stay up late anymore!!!!!
Its an hour commute. Not bad, but for some reason my boss wants me to be working at 7am. Even being late by 2 minutes is seen as a very bad thing. So I should be going to bed at 9 or 10pm so that when I get up at 5am and start getting ready for the day, I'm actually conscious. I need 8 hours of sleep for 8 hours of work, when you consider that "work" is parking your ass in front of a computer all day.
So maybe, just maybe, in my desiresfor human contact (besides my loving and understand girlfriend) and shaking off these blues o' mine, I've become a wierd and clingly motherfucker.
So what? I was wierd back when I was in beta, biach.
Don't like multiple voice mails? Don't check it.
God forbid someone might actually want to cheer you up. Or see how you were doing. Or cared at all, for the sake of what friendship is to him.
For the fight club fans among the readers, I am Jack's immature, ranting, self-obsessed blogger.
I might sound like I'm a fucking 17 year old kid. In one way, that's what I'm reduced to.
What else are you going to do when you need to vent and nobody wants to listen except bitch on the internet?
