Friday, January 07, 2005
Nice Dream
To quote Jawbreaker -- This is the story I will tell the Kids I'll never have:
I had the most vivid dream of my life last night. I can still recall nearly every detail -- a rarity and miracle by itself. Most of my dreams fade before my very eyes when I wake.
In this dream I got to watch my first daughter go from 8 to 18 before my very eyes in a weekend. I got to watch as she discovered art, fingerpainting all over the walls in the house. Dance recitials, Music lessons, and acting workshops to nourish the creative talents. When she got older, I started pulling her aside to explain the nerdy stuff of what I do. I teach her how to build a computer. How they work. Later, as she became a teenager, I showed her how to work on cars. Tune ups, change tires, drive stick, oil change, etc. Not really trying to force her into engineering, just trying to picque her interest. Giving her what I'd hope to be a perfeect balance of science and art.
And at some point in her growing up, when I knew she was ready to handle herself, I stopped being her father, and started being her best friend. r trying to be, at least. I had laid the foundation and handed over the blueprints. But the piece d'resistance that she would go on to create would be based on her choices and judgements. I would just be a sounding board.
During this weekend, we visited Rickett's Glen together. I've only been there once, in the winter, when I was 17. I was going to see the frozen waterfalls with my girlfriend. It got darker then either of us expected, and we became lost with no flashlight and freezing temperatures reminded us we would not survive much longer in this cold. We made it back to her neon and just held each other there, in front of the heaters, until we could actually feel our limbs again. And then we went to Chi Chis.
All in all, a good trip if you don't count the near death by exposure part.
Fortunately, my daughter and I choose to visit during the summertime so we could hike on the trails without the fear of slipping on the ice and plummeting into a frozen waterfall.
And when we rested, we'd just sit on a log and talk. Her emotional development would grow before my very eyes. But it was really all the advice you think you can pass on to a teenager.
Boys:
When it comes to the right one, you'll just know.
Don't trust anyone who wears a backward red visor when you get to college. Its a trick.
"I'm here to fix your computer" is also a trick.
If he says "Macs suck", kick him to the curb.
Its not what he says, its how he looks at you, which shows sincerity.
Make every kiss a snowflake.
Life:
When it comes to first attempts, compare yours to man's first attempt at flight. At first, they were amazed with themselves, next confused. Finally, they realized they've only been falling this whole time right before they plummeted to their death. In other words, any first attempt you can walk away from was a success.
Laughter really is the best medecine. Cherish the friends that make you laugh.
People die. Don't be so conventional to think that can take them away from you.
Remember that whatever you do in life, you will always have to look yourself in the mirror. Act with the honor of your conscience.
Life is too short for friends to be too close.
Those who try to make up for lost living will end up living lost.
Singing in the shower is a sign of genius. Unless its Dave Matthew's Band. That's just plain wierd.
Being who you are is a contest against the test of time. Don't sell your self short for fads.
Go with your gut when your head is swirling and its your call. But think it over every chance you get.
Regret Nothing and Forget Everything. Tomorrow's a new challenge.
Sorry about the Type 2 Diabetes Gene.
There were other things: Taught her how to drive stick. Taking prom photos. Scareing and Scaring the foolish neighborhood boys she hung out with. Pulling my hair out in rage as she breaks down in tears when i, like my father before me, do the wilson ritural of forcing calculus on a mind too early. With no other parent around to hear the strained voice crack, the hushed sobs. The storming off and slamming of doors. Watching her get excited for a science fair. Trying to keep up with her as she runs rampart through a science center. Taking her out to dinner to celebrate her getting first chair. Going to her cross country meets and cheering over every other parent.
Listening to Sublime and talking about what I was like. Trying desperately to make the "When I was your age" stories interesting.
So many goddamn beautiful things that make life wonderful.
And at the end of the dream, where she was headed off to college, to bigger and better things that I could only be a small part of, I was amazed by her. Taken aback that this person is a cocktail of my DNA and personality and her own experiences.
And I was proud of her, and happy for her.
And after she left, I found myself driving up 18th street to the apartment the present day me lives. I peered through the window only to find me staring back, shocked by the man I had become. The turn around. The "When did you let the other part of you start making decisions? When did you let that other half out of the box? When did you stop saying 'I wish...' and start doing? How did you make those pipedreams a reality?"
And then I woke. The sonic grenade next to my head that is my alarm clock wanted me to know that its 4:30am, and if you don't get up and start getting ready, you won't be early to work. Chase that brass ring.
And I realized something as I slammed snooze: I know the man I want to become. Have always known. I just don't think I have it in me. I just don't feel ready. So I'm afraid to even take a step down the road I want to travel. Part of me's just freaked out that a journey ends sooner that's started sooner. And I'm comfortable being on my own, getting out of debt, and slowly pimping out my computers as I figure out what direction I want to go.
I'm afraid of failure in this situation because I've seen what its like to be second place. The distant family. The silent anger. The whispered worry. Neglect. Retreat. I'm so stoic thanks to my upbringing I could wait out my death and decay.
Life's too short to worry about where you've been burned. When the flames wash over you, just pick yourself back up, find the rythmn again, and keep on moving.
As an odd sidenote, I rarely talked politics or pop culture or religion in this dream. It felt as if we had found a filter to remove all the ugliness from american life. That downside of blissful ignorance we all enjoy. The complicit slavery to things and opinions. The judgements for the sake of judgement. So it was idallyic in that sense. It was also surprising, because I expect to be a cantankerous crank like Jebal Hershall (from stranger in a strange land) when I get older. Wanting to be left alone. Not chasing off after the great thing that ever happened to me: Children.
It was so clear I could swear it was real. But at the same time, it has all the makings of a delusion. I'm too cynical in the belief that I could ever be that happy for the sake of another person's well being and development. And I realize that I grow and develop in a different method then even some of my closest friends.
And I'm still afraid to get my toes wet, so I don't expect to be diving in anytime soon.
I had the most vivid dream of my life last night. I can still recall nearly every detail -- a rarity and miracle by itself. Most of my dreams fade before my very eyes when I wake.
In this dream I got to watch my first daughter go from 8 to 18 before my very eyes in a weekend. I got to watch as she discovered art, fingerpainting all over the walls in the house. Dance recitials, Music lessons, and acting workshops to nourish the creative talents. When she got older, I started pulling her aside to explain the nerdy stuff of what I do. I teach her how to build a computer. How they work. Later, as she became a teenager, I showed her how to work on cars. Tune ups, change tires, drive stick, oil change, etc. Not really trying to force her into engineering, just trying to picque her interest. Giving her what I'd hope to be a perfeect balance of science and art.
And at some point in her growing up, when I knew she was ready to handle herself, I stopped being her father, and started being her best friend. r trying to be, at least. I had laid the foundation and handed over the blueprints. But the piece d'resistance that she would go on to create would be based on her choices and judgements. I would just be a sounding board.
During this weekend, we visited Rickett's Glen together. I've only been there once, in the winter, when I was 17. I was going to see the frozen waterfalls with my girlfriend. It got darker then either of us expected, and we became lost with no flashlight and freezing temperatures reminded us we would not survive much longer in this cold. We made it back to her neon and just held each other there, in front of the heaters, until we could actually feel our limbs again. And then we went to Chi Chis.
All in all, a good trip if you don't count the near death by exposure part.
Fortunately, my daughter and I choose to visit during the summertime so we could hike on the trails without the fear of slipping on the ice and plummeting into a frozen waterfall.
And when we rested, we'd just sit on a log and talk. Her emotional development would grow before my very eyes. But it was really all the advice you think you can pass on to a teenager.
Boys:
When it comes to the right one, you'll just know.
Don't trust anyone who wears a backward red visor when you get to college. Its a trick.
"I'm here to fix your computer" is also a trick.
If he says "Macs suck", kick him to the curb.
Its not what he says, its how he looks at you, which shows sincerity.
Make every kiss a snowflake.
Life:
When it comes to first attempts, compare yours to man's first attempt at flight. At first, they were amazed with themselves, next confused. Finally, they realized they've only been falling this whole time right before they plummeted to their death. In other words, any first attempt you can walk away from was a success.
Laughter really is the best medecine. Cherish the friends that make you laugh.
People die. Don't be so conventional to think that can take them away from you.
Remember that whatever you do in life, you will always have to look yourself in the mirror. Act with the honor of your conscience.
Life is too short for friends to be too close.
Those who try to make up for lost living will end up living lost.
Singing in the shower is a sign of genius. Unless its Dave Matthew's Band. That's just plain wierd.
Being who you are is a contest against the test of time. Don't sell your self short for fads.
Go with your gut when your head is swirling and its your call. But think it over every chance you get.
Regret Nothing and Forget Everything. Tomorrow's a new challenge.
Sorry about the Type 2 Diabetes Gene.
There were other things: Taught her how to drive stick. Taking prom photos. Scareing and Scaring the foolish neighborhood boys she hung out with. Pulling my hair out in rage as she breaks down in tears when i, like my father before me, do the wilson ritural of forcing calculus on a mind too early. With no other parent around to hear the strained voice crack, the hushed sobs. The storming off and slamming of doors. Watching her get excited for a science fair. Trying to keep up with her as she runs rampart through a science center. Taking her out to dinner to celebrate her getting first chair. Going to her cross country meets and cheering over every other parent.
Listening to Sublime and talking about what I was like. Trying desperately to make the "When I was your age" stories interesting.
So many goddamn beautiful things that make life wonderful.
And at the end of the dream, where she was headed off to college, to bigger and better things that I could only be a small part of, I was amazed by her. Taken aback that this person is a cocktail of my DNA and personality and her own experiences.
And I was proud of her, and happy for her.
And after she left, I found myself driving up 18th street to the apartment the present day me lives. I peered through the window only to find me staring back, shocked by the man I had become. The turn around. The "When did you let the other part of you start making decisions? When did you let that other half out of the box? When did you stop saying 'I wish...' and start doing? How did you make those pipedreams a reality?"
And then I woke. The sonic grenade next to my head that is my alarm clock wanted me to know that its 4:30am, and if you don't get up and start getting ready, you won't be early to work. Chase that brass ring.
And I realized something as I slammed snooze: I know the man I want to become. Have always known. I just don't think I have it in me. I just don't feel ready. So I'm afraid to even take a step down the road I want to travel. Part of me's just freaked out that a journey ends sooner that's started sooner. And I'm comfortable being on my own, getting out of debt, and slowly pimping out my computers as I figure out what direction I want to go.
I'm afraid of failure in this situation because I've seen what its like to be second place. The distant family. The silent anger. The whispered worry. Neglect. Retreat. I'm so stoic thanks to my upbringing I could wait out my death and decay.
Life's too short to worry about where you've been burned. When the flames wash over you, just pick yourself back up, find the rythmn again, and keep on moving.
As an odd sidenote, I rarely talked politics or pop culture or religion in this dream. It felt as if we had found a filter to remove all the ugliness from american life. That downside of blissful ignorance we all enjoy. The complicit slavery to things and opinions. The judgements for the sake of judgement. So it was idallyic in that sense. It was also surprising, because I expect to be a cantankerous crank like Jebal Hershall (from stranger in a strange land) when I get older. Wanting to be left alone. Not chasing off after the great thing that ever happened to me: Children.
It was so clear I could swear it was real. But at the same time, it has all the makings of a delusion. I'm too cynical in the belief that I could ever be that happy for the sake of another person's well being and development. And I realize that I grow and develop in a different method then even some of my closest friends.
And I'm still afraid to get my toes wet, so I don't expect to be diving in anytime soon.
