Monday, December 05, 2005
Finally, a game review system that works
Everyone this holiday season has been talking about video games. It could be because of the XBox 360 launch. It could be that with the Steeler's record in the "not-so good" sector again, we need something else to talk about, or maybe more people have come over to way of thinking that hot, barely legal teen girls playing nintendo is really all you need to have a good time.
Hold on a second while I go back to last mental image.
OK, since I'm re-entering the console gaming world shortly after Xmas with the purchase of a gamecube and a DS, my friends and I have kept talking about the thing that sucks the most about the gaming world: The gaming press. There really isn't a nice way to say it, but game reviews blow.
Either you're not in the mood for a 9 page review covering the latest RPG's voice acting, plot, scenery artwork, cast of characters, cool inventory items, etc, ad nauseam, or you find yourself reading a brief 1-page review when you wanted the 9-pager.
Why does one game get an 8 and another 9? What's the criteria here?
Why do bad games still get 8s?
So, upon discussion, allow me to present the only game review system I trust:
The system should follow a normal distribution, which means instead of even the shittiest little shit getting an '8' because the same company makes Unreal Tournament and the site's editors want to cash in on those upcoming Unreal advertising dollars, the majority of games should be "Ehhh..".
Let's face it, there are few franchises out there like Zelda, where you could feel safe in buying it without reading a review, because there really hasn't been a bad Zelda. (Except Zelda 2, and shut it.)
And even franchises that have made great games in the past can jump the shark: Metal Gear Solid 2 was enough that I never will get excited for another MGS game, ever. Final Fantasy? I liked 7 and 8, but I just don't have the desire to spend 25 hours in 'random encounters'. If I was down with the whole random encounters, I'd have just bought 'Final Truckstop 7'.
Online RPGs? If I have broadband, chances are I'm using the internet to be a jerk already, so why pay $15/month to hang out with even nerdier jerks? Maybe once they patch the whole "dude pretending to be a lady to get gold" jerk out of the game, I'd consider giving it a free trial.
So what's left?
Games with good gameplay.
And that's all I really want.
Hold on a second while I go back to last mental image.
OK, since I'm re-entering the console gaming world shortly after Xmas with the purchase of a gamecube and a DS, my friends and I have kept talking about the thing that sucks the most about the gaming world: The gaming press. There really isn't a nice way to say it, but game reviews blow.
Either you're not in the mood for a 9 page review covering the latest RPG's voice acting, plot, scenery artwork, cast of characters, cool inventory items, etc, ad nauseam, or you find yourself reading a brief 1-page review when you wanted the 9-pager.
Why does one game get an 8 and another 9? What's the criteria here?
Why do bad games still get 8s?
So, upon discussion, allow me to present the only game review system I trust:
Double Thumbs Up: Don't miss this game. It is to be played by all.
Thumbs Up: Loved it, recommending it to friends.
"Eh" (Shakey Hand): Game is so-so. Wouldn't recommend it. In other words, if you were going to buy it, buy it. If you weren't, don't worry, you're not missing much.
Thumbs Down: The gameplay is so bad, you're considering replacing 'jailtime' with 'playing this game' as soon as you take over the world, as you're sure 'playing this game' will deterr people who wouldn't be afraid of jail.
Double Thumbs Down: Officially nominated for addition to Seanbaby's Top 20 Worst Nintendo Games of all Time
The system should follow a normal distribution, which means instead of even the shittiest little shit getting an '8' because the same company makes Unreal Tournament and the site's editors want to cash in on those upcoming Unreal advertising dollars, the majority of games should be "Ehhh..".
Let's face it, there are few franchises out there like Zelda, where you could feel safe in buying it without reading a review, because there really hasn't been a bad Zelda. (Except Zelda 2, and shut it.)
And even franchises that have made great games in the past can jump the shark: Metal Gear Solid 2 was enough that I never will get excited for another MGS game, ever. Final Fantasy? I liked 7 and 8, but I just don't have the desire to spend 25 hours in 'random encounters'. If I was down with the whole random encounters, I'd have just bought 'Final Truckstop 7'.
Online RPGs? If I have broadband, chances are I'm using the internet to be a jerk already, so why pay $15/month to hang out with even nerdier jerks? Maybe once they patch the whole "dude pretending to be a lady to get gold" jerk out of the game, I'd consider giving it a free trial.
So what's left?
Games with good gameplay.
And that's all I really want.
