The Robot's Thoughts

The reason people say "Don't Kill The Messenger" is because we as a
race have this nasty habit of Killing the messenger.

Which is why I never want to be a messenger.

Looks like "Apple Insiders" are hinting that PC users should save their money for PC upgrades for a new entry level mac that's coming out sometime in January. Sweet. Maybe I'll get Erin one of these instead of building her a media PC for watching all the TV shows we torrent.
iMac for iScrubs :)

Hey, gotta spend the overtime cash somehow.

Life begins at int main()

And those who create everything else work six days a week, and if we're lucky, on the seventh day, we get laid and pass out.

I came back from my parents with a old one year anniversery gift from Christine. No, it was our first Christmas as a couple.
I wanted to share the inscription:

To: Christopher L Wilson

"I will always love you."
--Christine

The Human Touch
Tis the human touch in this world that counts,
The touch of your hand and mine,
Which means far more to the fainting heart
Than shelter and bread and wine;
For Shelter is gone when the night is o'er
And bread last only a day,
But the touch of the hand and the sound of the voice
Sing on in the soul always.

--Spencer Micheal Free

After the long night, I feel like my ability to produce at work has improved.
I'm heading out at 3:30, but I got more work done then usual. And I
feel energized.
I haven't felt this excited about what I do in forever.
You could argue that this is one the best day's of work....ever.
*Crosses Fingers*

Yesterday I worked from 7am to 11:15pm.
And I was back here before 7.
Deadlines suck. They really, really suck.

Wow. My computer feels a heck of a lot faster. Mission Accomplished.

Fell off the wagon at work today and smoked half a cigarette. I was
dying today at work. The current project is a lot of fun and a great
opportunity for me, but the deadlines are tight. I had to redesign
some forms today that i thought I had put to bed. It means I'm going
be slowing down my turnaround time, which doesn't look good.

Its like juggling hatchets here at work. Sooner or later, we're going
to lose a limb.

Fell off the wagon at work today and smoked half a cigarette. I was
dying today at work. The current project is a lot of fun and a great
opportunity for me, but the deadlines are tight. I had to redesign
some forms today that i thought I had put to bed. It means I'm going
be slowing down my turnaround time, which doesn't look good.

Its like juggling hatchets here at work. Sooner or later, we're going
to lose a limb.

Well...not really.

But I did get a G4 upgrade for my machine. I'll be running at .5GHz. Screamin' fast!!!!!!
Assuming I can flash my firmware properly. This could be my last post from home for a while if it goes badly.

So don't hold your breathe for me.
*Crosses Fingers*
ANd go...!

This monday marks two weeks since I've last had a cigarette.
Granted, I drink much more, and that's just as bad, but hey, sooner or
later i'll confront that demon, too. Right now, its all about keepin'
the chin up and struttin' my stuff with style.
Or something like that.

A long, long time ago I fucked up my credit rating. Today I remedied
that and finished paying off the settlement amounts. Now I just have
to finish paying off what I owe Pitt, which after this month will be
less then $1,000.

I love being on-track financially.

Thank you, overtime at work.

The Chili Chuck and I came out great, if I may say so myself.
Chuck also talked to me about how Marilyn was upset over my last blog posting. Chuck has been neutral in the whole jon-chris tiff. I'm upset Marilyn's picked a side. I shouldn't have repeated what Chuck said to me without my asking. That was a mistake on my part, and when Chuck told me it pissed him off, I apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. I didn't mean for him to get pulled into it.

But he could understand why I pissed off. When Jon and I went through this our sophmore year. we were pissed that people were taking sides in the whole Grushinski vs. everyone debate, when it was a private and personal matter between suitmates. This is exactly the same scenario, so god forbid I get grumpy when a banged up benedum dramaqueen chimes in her $.02.

*Sigh*

In other news, today was a day of total relaxation. And its snowing in pittsburgh! Which means the roads are getting really, really bad, right before that nice, long drive to my parent's place. Which also means I won't be seeing Erin this Christmas, because I won't have time to do both. We're still on deadline at work.

Maybe new year's. Hopefully there'll be a great party to go to.
Ok -- sorry -- woolgathering and doing stream of conscious thought. Which means its time to sign off. Peace.

One of my new year's resolutions is: Stop Drinking for 30 days.

It will be like that simpsons episode where homer has to try to be sober for a month. The problem is my tolerance has gotten so high from Chuck and I going nuts are the bars in south side. So to have a good time, I have to get fat from all the empty calories.

And it sucks waking up hung over. I just don't have time for that shit anymore.

I cheated myself.
I bought a G4 upgrade card before I was out of debt.
To be fair, I went with the ~$150 sale of a 500MHz G4. I figure the Altivec unit and the higher clock speed will help me hold off the temptation to splurge even more. In fact, I intend to put an extra $150 to getting out of debt this holiday season.

And getting my friends christmas gifts.

But the overtime I will be working adds up.

I've implemented a new counter at work.
Everytime I have to restrain myself from telling a co worker to STFU,
I'm going to add to the counter.

Since I believe I could give T-Shirt Hell a run for its money, my
friends and I have been collecting offensive sayings for when I
actually start selling t-shirts on the web. so here's my idea, for
future reference.

Front:
Yes I'll Scream Your Name In Bed....

Back:
As long as you answer to:
Fat Chick,
Psycho,
My Buddy's Hot Girlfriend.


It hasn't passed the approval test -- Would James wear it out to the
bars -- but I have a feeling it could.

Work makes me bi polar.

Not the tasks assigned to me. That I can manage.

Just the computer jock mentality of my co workers. And how I have to take their shit.
Everyday I show up and its like, "Yay, I get to be the brunt of more jokes." Explain to me why we we're six months behind on schudules again?

Grr. Most of this stems from some kind of berzerk neural circuit that misfire. I want to be accepted, but I will not conform.

In the mean time, I found a new favorite blog:
AirItOutTheHardWay.com

Its a blog of an old professor of mine, and a good friend. I hope Tom is one my loyal readers. Even tho I don't blog very often.

I want to set the record straight on how i personally deal with emotional conflict.

I feel this need to put the statement out here for all time. The need arose during a discussion about the bar crawl this past friday between Julie and Myself. Julie felt I should forgive Jon. I disagreed strongly. But, Julie does make me take pause and think -- she has her way of reaching the academic inside me open to all the limitless possibilities in this life and universe, no matter how much emotional 'I'm not listening. Do not cross." tape she has to burrow though.
She feels that I should do this if just for myself.

I've seen two friends die in the prime of their life, when nothing was possible to overcome the upward momentum that we young have. When its their birthday, or the anniversery of their passing, or for any reason that I think back....as soon as I go to that happy memory, I know I will follow it all the way to the end. That last look at their shell. That realization that they aren't there anymore. Stillness.

You could say that, while I cherish the memories I have of those I've lost, they've become tainted with a 'taste' of sadness. The sun isn't as bright in those memories. There are more clouds in the sky, I'm smaller in those memories.

I try and try to create the belief that friendship is extended family. I try to find those that believe in it, and believe me.
And there are few things one can do to utterly crush me. But when that happens, it is atomic. Once its happened, there's no going back.

Engineering has a simple way to explain it: "Nothing's impossible, but man, have you ever tried getting toothpaste back in the tube?"

When I'm stepped on, its like a new program overwrites some of the older global variables. Your access is denied. You are no longer part of the system. You're not family and you never were.

And since this is my webpage and i can supposedly say what I want, I'm going to be blunt. When I hate someone, I don't hate them for what they did. I hate them for what they've become. I hate their essence. They are percieved as a wrongness. It sets off the same kinds of alarms that 1+1=3 would to a mathematician. And every memory I have of spending time with Jon, from sitting next to him second semester freshmen year at seminar, to winterbreak at nightclub 330 with his grain alcohal punch, is tainted by those final days. Of the warnings by a mutual friend not to go home, because Jon was rounding up TEPs with baseball bats to ambush me. Of the smell of bleach in my appartment as I tried to salvage what wearable items I could from my wardrobe. And of all those thoughts he'd harbored but never said until the very end. They taint the friendship with a 'taste' of betreyal the same way death has saddened some of my memories with friends. It will always come down to what was done and what was said. The why is forgotten, not that it was ever understood in the first place. That is the making of all maliginant hatred.

And that is why I stay mad. That is why I stand by my unwillingness to forgive. I won't pay lip service, because it cheapens the bonds I have with the few people who actually give a flying fuck in return. Having one friend where you're fake over the entire friendship like that is like only beating one son. There are worse alternatives, but it still doesn't make it right.

It makes me think about my parents, and question if they're happy together, living the way they do. Sectioning off parts of the house for the hobbies they don't share. Living their lives on different schedules. The nest is empty. How is suffering through a lifelong commitment any better then breaking a sacrament?

But sometimes I understand that destiny. If Fate is cruel, it will probably be my own. Just thinking about my father wants me to obsessively organize my apartment, stop drinking, and chase money like it was the only skinny chick at a frat party.

But when I calm down and realize writing this has made me late to bed, I comfort myself with the now. So here's to warm beds, and warmer friends, even when the sky is nothing but clouds. Here's to times I can't remember and friends I can't forget. Here's to first hellos and last goodbyes.

"Go Home and Tell everyone that everything's gonna be OK" -- Donnie Darko.

Jesus, Jen and I really know how to celebrate her getting done with Finals early.


Night one, Brian A. was guest bar tending at Jekyl and Hyde's. It was also $2.75 Red Bull and Vodkas, and needed night for me to blow off some tension. I really need to learn how to get a handle on the stress in my life. Some of it is manageable and some of it is not. And the old means of coping that I used in college aren't going to cut it anymore. It wasn't really a night of me drowning my sorrows -- Jen came up with the brilliant idea of playing pool. She kicked my ass, but i had some cool trick shots that just happened because of pure luck (even tho the ball was going where i wanted it to go).


Turn out for the event was sub par because it was the thursday before finals week, and I did have work the next day so we bugged out fairly early. Julie and Dani were supposed to be appear, but didn't.

Night Two: Engineering Student Council Bar Crawl with Chuck. Chuck really wanted to blow off some steam. He had finished his first semester of grad school, and frankly felt he needed to make his liver duck and cover.

We didn't just have a few. We got fucked up. We started the night off with shots and ended it with Terribles. Not exactly our brightest ideas.

Bar Crawl Highlights include: Nate Phillips trying to get me to buy an entire round. Getting Jen to do two shots with us. James doing his Micheal Jackson dance. I wore my talent scout shirt, and got some strange looks from random girls. Which i thought was awesome.

Jon, my former roommate, was there. He must've gotten drunk earlier then I did because he wanted to bury the hatchet. I still sleep in a punisher hoodie that looks like someone's half assed attempt at making a dalmation costume. And I keep grievances tallied up in my head until they die of old age. Then I have them stuffed and mounted on the wall. I told him no, but that I didn't come here to fight him, and that I wasn't planning on starting any bar fights tonight. After that we went our seperate ways.

And after that, Marilyn started being a dick to me. Well, if she wants to take a side, she can be my guest. I really don't care. Chuck says she's just a been more of a bitch lately because she found out a lot of her friends are getting more money then she is, and Chem Es are supposed to have the highest starting salary.

No love lost here. I have no opinion on the whole matter. Its the end of the college years. Friends who actually care, the ones worth the drive to visit, are few in far between. In that way, we are all the same.

My guard down, Jen and Chuck at my side, I proceeded to drink with Chuck and get wasted. By the end of the bar crawl, chuck had passed out. Jen had driven us home.

Jen makes the best mom ever. She folded chuck's clothed. She held my head while i puked (thank god i have no memory of really puking...that is the worst feeling when you get the spins...and for me it only gets worse after i get everything out of my stomach.) She got us water. She put me to bed. Set my alarm. And put my with my snoring.

I need to quite smoking. I don't need breathing problems that will drive people insane if they go to bed with me.

Night Three: Two parties. One at Camelot -- Jekyl Your Hyde. Come dressed as your opposite. Then Aaron's formal party.
All three of us had a great time, and it was the first time Erin and I didn't just fall asleep at midnight in a long time. We danced, we drank. It was great.

By the time you read this I'll be charging back into the fray. And this time I'm going to be working it double time.
Adios Spacecowboys.

Today the ultimate clusterfuck of all time happened. The day before the brand new production server arrives from Dell, the current production server, which was cobbled together by some "IT Specialist" who no longer works at my company, died an awful dead. We have everything on that RAID 5 array. Source Code. Old Applications. Database logs. Database Data.

I'm so glad I'm not the admin. I'm behind on my project, and I was one of the few who was able to keep working on my project. So I didn't have to spearhead that scary project. I've never ressurrected a RAID array that died. I gave advice and helped with some of the minor tasks, but mostly I got to be the calm, warm, center that plodded along, putting triggers in his test database server.

Still, I'm exhausted today. Traffic coming home was bumper to bumper because of an accident that happened half an hour before I even left work. Also, Julie and I stayed out late. We went to Kasey's. On Mondays, they have a midget who gives out shots to everyone at the bar. If you want to buy everyone in the bar a shot, you just pay $10. Then the midget structs around the bar, with a bottle of some kind of magical, fruity concoction, and he pours it straight into your mouth. It was awesome. They ring a bell when he starts coming around. Julie and I got there right before it started to fill up, so we had great seats the whole night.

It was a good time. Then we came back to my place and watched family guy.

And my head is pounding, but its my own fault. 20 hours of work on 8 hours of sleep, fast food lunches, constant snacking, and 3 (or more) cigarettes a day. I'm on the champ diet. I'm going to live like a prizefighter until my body is a ruined as a prize fighter's mind.

Or maybe I'll get lucky and break the cycle. I dunno. We'll see. The magic 8 ball said ask again later.

I make the best damn hot sandwiches money can buy. You’d better believe it.

My back, on the other hand, is going to be killing me tonight. Someone please be waiting at my door to give me a backrub.

But I’m probably going to be working later then a 10 hour day. Triple Blah to that.

 

I wish I had more original thoughts when I’m by a computer. But usually, all my good ideas disappear by the time I get around to blogging.

 

I did have a good idea for a t-shirt tho. Take a map of just the red states from this election, and put “SUCKS” in white over it. Essentially conveying the statement that its not America which sucks, only the 52% that wants us to live under good Christian doctrine while simultaneously killing anyone who gets in our way of exploiting their homeland’s resources.

 

That reminds me of a story Casper told me while I was home on break. He was walking around on November 3^rd around 3pm (the time of the concession speech) and someone approached him and said “Did you hear the news about the election.” He hadn’t been following it with up-to-nanosecond fox news propaganda, but he knew it was close. The stranger then provided to fill him in, and while doing so, Casper realized this guy was slightly mentally handicapped. I forgot which candidate he was voting for, but he actually had a good reason: “He was for the Americans with Disabilities Act.” The man, who was obviously below what we could cal normal intelligence, was able to look out for their own self-interest. Casper really wondered how many “normal intelligence” people could do the same.

 

In Family news, my Uncle’s brain tumor is getting worse. The gamma knife treatments didn’t slay the beast. The surgical option is on the table, but is liable to leave him with minor brain damage to the speech and motor centers. And it would be months before he could safely undergo another gamma knife treatment. With the rate its growing, he might not have that kind of time.

 

I’m rambling. And Lunch is half over. I should get back to work.

Love and Peace.

# posted by Chris Wilson : 1:04:00 PM links to this post