The Robot's Thoughts

Grid.Org


Got a Computer that's on all the time? Just spending its days
uploading and downloading files? Why not install the United Devices
client to help scientists figure out which drugs will be of better use
to us fighting cancer.

I know a lot of people that run SETI@Home, but the one thing
scientists point out is that most civilizations would only be using
radio broadcasts for a short period of time, 100 or 200 years tops.
Then satellites and tight beam transmissions will take over. We won't
find that stuff with SETI in its current form. So there's really
nothing that SETI@Home does that's of any practical use to anyone
right now -- except look cool when its running.

United Devices Grid client, on the other hand, will help scientists
fight cancer.

I wouldn't recommend it for laptops if you're going to leave them on
all day. But if you're only going to leave them on for a short period
of time, it could be run as a screen saver.

I also wouldn't recommend this client for any machine smaller then a gigahertz.

This client is windows/linux only. Sorry my fellow mac friends, but
this is one fight we can't help with -- except for by using the
folding@home client. Same deal, but slower, clunkier, and farther
behind.

Get to it.

On the Pain Of Seperation:


I'm not living through it.
I'm living for it.

Erin and I broke up. I did the heart breaking. I also did somethings which she learned of after the fact. No names will be mentioned because I don't feel like calling anyone a homewrecker.


Demolition is always easiest when the foundation is unstable.


But regardless of the nitty gritty, it changes nothing. I am still going on a quest to find meaning in the road ahead. I am attempting to see paths still open to me that I have not noticed or thought about.


In short, after nearly 5 years of relationships, the one I've decided to focus on is me.


To the ones who've passed their judgement against me, I'm sure it sounds entirely selfish. I do not care. If I can find all the things I used to have but lost, even for a few moments, then what I'm doing is worth it.


I am going to re-invent myself.

Me: <--------------- So distressed even silence hurts.

And its only been 41 minutes since the last phone call I'll ever get.

i stayed up too late with Bill after south park. I need sleep. My
driving was awful.
I'm going to be doing a lot of resting this weekend.

Also, in accordance to my sobriety pledge, I believe I will be going
rock climbing Saturday. Indoor rock climbing.

After work I'm going bowling with the guys. I hope to break 100.

I need to set up either a bowling night or a poker night with the guys
-- like the golden days of junior year. I'm sure Bill and Andy would
be down for it.

And Abby, you were in my thoughts recently, since I'm planning a big
party for when my sobriety pledge is over. You didn't know what to
think about being harangued on this blog. Well, I'm sorry. That's all
I can say. A public apology, assuming you're still reading this.

Now back to work.

I pay off Pitt today.
Pitt represents my largest creditor.
This payment practically puts me back to zero, debt-wise.
And I've been building good credit since august of last year.

Today is also my two year anniversery with Erin.
I can't believe its been that long.
Well, its something we're going to celebrate tonight.

Yesterday it was 70 degrees, and now its snowing. Gotta love pittsburgh's weather.

the only way to break the cycle is a hammer into the gears.

there's candlelight dinner's
between all us sinners
whose crime was catching the glance

and whatever price i pay
on my judgement day
i wouldn't trade for a second chance

jealousy is just a cruel joke
self doubt's the hangman's rope
love is too purified for scorn

whatever bitterness can bend
can be undone by mindful friends
leave me as I left you -- wanting more.

Erin was sick but still came out. Chuck, Erin and I make three. On friday we hit up Loew's (now america's most expensive movie theatre) to see Lemony Snickett: A Series Of Unfortunate Events. Its a really good movie. Any critic that says Jim Carey can't act or that this was a bad movie is completely wrong. The previews also let us know that Hollywood is officially out of new ideas: Every movie coming out this summer is a re-make, with the exception of star wars, episode 3.

Right before the movie started, these four yinzers dressed like euro trash sat down in front of us. Immediately I could smell the skank of hair gel and unwashed body hair wafting up through the theatre. They stank. Even Hippies, the dirtiest and most unwashed people in america, would've stood up and tapped these guys on the shoulder and said, "Jesus Christ, man, take a fucking shower. Or at least cover that smell up with some pot."

It was so bad that Chuck had a bad taste in his mouth by the time the movie was over. Me, I was losing it. How, with so many shampoo corporations, could these four men, aroud or above the age of 30, has missed all the advertisements for softer, cleaner, non-stinking hair? How had they failed?

Then, after our great movie and poor theatre experience, it was back to chuck's for general mayham in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. This game has some of the lamest missions I've seen in my life. One is based off Dance Dance Revolution. They just added to many lame aspects. The whole "eating and having to work out thing" is so "The Sims". Then you've got the Dance Dance Revolution stuff. I'm sure these some lame stuff even later. The stats thing is kinda mixed, in my mind. In other words, if that's the direction the GTA series is going to go, I might stick with Xbox. Or Gamecube.


Saturday, was spent out in Cranberry with Jason and Lumi. Chuck got sick, probably whatever Erin had, but he felt OK enough to come along. It was going to be dinner and bowling.

I only bummed one cigarette, although Jason and Lumi must've smoked half a pack between the two of them. A good record. I haven't smoked since.

Dinner was rediculous, because Saturday in Cranberry must be "We don't cook, so let's drag our 5 children out with us to a nice restaurant" night. We eventually got to eat at a bar in a place called Monticello's pizza. Not bad pizza. Not bad at all.

I bowled a 95, which is something of a personal best. I choked on the last frame or else I would've gotten over 100 for the first time.

Erin kicked ass and got a 160, beating all of us last game. Chuck and I are thinking about setting up a bowling night. I'm all for it.

Then back to Chuck's for GTA 5.

Yay! Jen's back in town. I know I won't be as much fun since we won't be drinking for three days straight, but at least I can get a good haircut! :)

To quote Jawbreaker -- This is the story I will tell the Kids I'll never have:

I had the most vivid dream of my life last night. I can still recall nearly every detail -- a rarity and miracle by itself. Most of my dreams fade before my very eyes when I wake.

In this dream I got to watch my first daughter go from 8 to 18 before my very eyes in a weekend. I got to watch as she discovered art, fingerpainting all over the walls in the house. Dance recitials, Music lessons, and acting workshops to nourish the creative talents. When she got older, I started pulling her aside to explain the nerdy stuff of what I do. I teach her how to build a computer. How they work. Later, as she became a teenager, I showed her how to work on cars. Tune ups, change tires, drive stick, oil change, etc. Not really trying to force her into engineering, just trying to picque her interest. Giving her what I'd hope to be a perfeect balance of science and art.

And at some point in her growing up, when I knew she was ready to handle herself, I stopped being her father, and started being her best friend. r trying to be, at least. I had laid the foundation and handed over the blueprints. But the piece d'resistance that she would go on to create would be based on her choices and judgements. I would just be a sounding board.

During this weekend, we visited Rickett's Glen together. I've only been there once, in the winter, when I was 17. I was going to see the frozen waterfalls with my girlfriend. It got darker then either of us expected, and we became lost with no flashlight and freezing temperatures reminded us we would not survive much longer in this cold. We made it back to her neon and just held each other there, in front of the heaters, until we could actually feel our limbs again. And then we went to Chi Chis.
All in all, a good trip if you don't count the near death by exposure part.

Fortunately, my daughter and I choose to visit during the summertime so we could hike on the trails without the fear of slipping on the ice and plummeting into a frozen waterfall.

And when we rested, we'd just sit on a log and talk. Her emotional development would grow before my very eyes. But it was really all the advice you think you can pass on to a teenager.

Boys:
When it comes to the right one, you'll just know.
Don't trust anyone who wears a backward red visor when you get to college. Its a trick.
"I'm here to fix your computer" is also a trick.
If he says "Macs suck", kick him to the curb.
Its not what he says, its how he looks at you, which shows sincerity.
Make every kiss a snowflake.

Life:
When it comes to first attempts, compare yours to man's first attempt at flight. At first, they were amazed with themselves, next confused. Finally, they realized they've only been falling this whole time right before they plummeted to their death. In other words, any first attempt you can walk away from was a success.
Laughter really is the best medecine. Cherish the friends that make you laugh.
People die. Don't be so conventional to think that can take them away from you.
Remember that whatever you do in life, you will always have to look yourself in the mirror. Act with the honor of your conscience.
Life is too short for friends to be too close.
Those who try to make up for lost living will end up living lost.
Singing in the shower is a sign of genius. Unless its Dave Matthew's Band. That's just plain wierd.
Being who you are is a contest against the test of time. Don't sell your self short for fads.
Go with your gut when your head is swirling and its your call. But think it over every chance you get.
Regret Nothing and Forget Everything. Tomorrow's a new challenge.
Sorry about the Type 2 Diabetes Gene.

There were other things: Taught her how to drive stick. Taking prom photos. Scareing and Scaring the foolish neighborhood boys she hung out with. Pulling my hair out in rage as she breaks down in tears when i, like my father before me, do the wilson ritural of forcing calculus on a mind too early. With no other parent around to hear the strained voice crack, the hushed sobs. The storming off and slamming of doors. Watching her get excited for a science fair. Trying to keep up with her as she runs rampart through a science center. Taking her out to dinner to celebrate her getting first chair. Going to her cross country meets and cheering over every other parent.

Listening to Sublime and talking about what I was like. Trying desperately to make the "When I was your age" stories interesting.

So many goddamn beautiful things that make life wonderful.

And at the end of the dream, where she was headed off to college, to bigger and better things that I could only be a small part of, I was amazed by her. Taken aback that this person is a cocktail of my DNA and personality and her own experiences.
And I was proud of her, and happy for her.

And after she left, I found myself driving up 18th street to the apartment the present day me lives. I peered through the window only to find me staring back, shocked by the man I had become. The turn around. The "When did you let the other part of you start making decisions? When did you let that other half out of the box? When did you stop saying 'I wish...' and start doing? How did you make those pipedreams a reality?"

And then I woke. The sonic grenade next to my head that is my alarm clock wanted me to know that its 4:30am, and if you don't get up and start getting ready, you won't be early to work. Chase that brass ring.

And I realized something as I slammed snooze: I know the man I want to become. Have always known. I just don't think I have it in me. I just don't feel ready. So I'm afraid to even take a step down the road I want to travel. Part of me's just freaked out that a journey ends sooner that's started sooner. And I'm comfortable being on my own, getting out of debt, and slowly pimping out my computers as I figure out what direction I want to go.
I'm afraid of failure in this situation because I've seen what its like to be second place. The distant family. The silent anger. The whispered worry. Neglect. Retreat. I'm so stoic thanks to my upbringing I could wait out my death and decay.

Life's too short to worry about where you've been burned. When the flames wash over you, just pick yourself back up, find the rythmn again, and keep on moving.

As an odd sidenote, I rarely talked politics or pop culture or religion in this dream. It felt as if we had found a filter to remove all the ugliness from american life. That downside of blissful ignorance we all enjoy. The complicit slavery to things and opinions. The judgements for the sake of judgement. So it was idallyic in that sense. It was also surprising, because I expect to be a cantankerous crank like Jebal Hershall (from stranger in a strange land) when I get older. Wanting to be left alone. Not chasing off after the great thing that ever happened to me: Children.

It was so clear I could swear it was real. But at the same time, it has all the makings of a delusion. I'm too cynical in the belief that I could ever be that happy for the sake of another person's well being and development. And I realize that I grow and develop in a different method then even some of my closest friends.

And I'm still afraid to get my toes wet, so I don't expect to be diving in anytime soon.

I'm at work right now and I have one of my favoritest songs in the
world stuck in my head. Its "Those Kneepads" by Bedford, off their
"Smiles Are the Batteries" album. I lose the CD. I had two copies but
gave one of them to Beth. Not the Beth who lives in the apartment
below me, but the one that was Peter's friend. She's probably in
Ireland. And she doesn't have my new phone number or my cell phone.
Damn.
Its such a good song. Its angry, but not angsty. It was the kind of
music I grew up with. They played a lot in my area, so I'd be one of
the kids jumping around like a maniac.

In Central PA, we moshed to Bedford.
I still know all the words, pratically.

But I'm going to end this the line that always sticks out for me:
"Her reply was cruel: Devotion is for fools / who wear their hearts
upon their sleeve. /
Don't you ever change? You stayed the fucking same / I can't believe
you waited for me. for me. for me."

I think its stuck in my head a lot because I was cleaning my apartment
and found a folder of all the poetry my friends and I wrote before I
left for college. We were just a bunch of damn emo kids posting
semi-bad and semi-good poetry on a bulletin board on the internet.

Everytime I find that folder, I go through it and the summer plays out
again for me in memory.

And I think of my big brother Peter.
And walking six miles home in the middle of the night with a wire
sticking through my mouth after screaming at him so hard that the
wires keeping my jaw wired shut had snapped.

Ones I intend to Keep:

• Cut back on smoking. Possibly Quit.


• Quit Drinking Until Feb. 3rd. Exactly One Month from today, and a certain someone's birthday who's no longer special to me, but worth honoring with a toast.


• Get out of Debt.


• Work Out a Little Bit before going to work


• Stop worrying about bedtimes


• Build Erin a Computer or Buy her a Mac


• Blog More

Ones I don't intend to Keep:

• Actually Do Something with the rest of ChristopherWilson.net


• Give people the benefit of the doubt


• Pay for Software, Music, and Movies


• Develop a musical talent


• Have the most awesomest spring break ever


• Continue living without Cable


• Be less selfish

Well folks, there you have it. Nothing special for this year. Just trying to stay sane, keep my head about water, and fly right. Hopefully, this year that goal might be semi obtainable.

So this is the new year
and I don't feel any different

the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance
in the distance...

so this is the new year
and I have no resolution

it's self-assigned penance?
for problems with easy solutions

so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one
I wish the world was flat like the old days
so I could travel just by folding the map
no more airplanes or speed-trains or freeways
there'd be no distance that could hold us back

there'd be no distance that could hold us back
there'd be no distance that could hold us back

so this is the new year
so this is the new year
so this is the new year
so this is the new year

I love my new flatscreen. 1280x1024 is a lot easier to take back home.