The Robot's Thoughts

I'm posting this.
And then I'm over this.

"the reality sets in"
Literally and emotionally
You fell in my lap like like that last christmas gift
a boy gets before they learn the truth about santa.

I believed. I really did.
Or wanted to.

I made mistakes, and so did you.
But Damn it, I loved them.
I thought it a blessing in disguise.

If you catch yourself reading this, just remember:
We didn't have to say anything.

I loved how you fiddled with your outfit for 45 minutes
when i could only stay out for another thirty
before the morning grind
would reduce me to powder

I loved catching a tidbit of thought
that you shared about me with friends I didn't know
that slipped up in front of you
and you wouldn't meet my eyes the whole night.

I loved how you'd roll over
the morning after
and just look at me

always
always
always wished you'd hold your gaze one second more

but most of all
you'd listen to me
and i'd tell you anything and everything
that kind of audience
doesn't come around more then twice a lifetime

You knew I was a dubious angel from the start
complete with broken wings and crooked halo
the embrace we shared was borderline religious
but we'll remember it as tawdry and shallow

and while i find drinks of what could been
a bit hard to swallow
the path that i take is not one to be followed
and when the face that i fell for goes under the knife
i know someday i'll recognize a stranger's eyes
i'll smile, you'll wave, and then I'll look away
never to look twice.

I had a wonderful friday night.
I watched What The Bleep Do We Know? a flim about mental perspective and quantum physics.

It was actually pretty lame considering what I expected it to be. But then again, my dad was a PhD in Philosophy, and a lot of the stuff the movie lightly touched on (like Plato kicking a stone as an example of when your mind meets reality) was the kind of stuff my Dad talked to me about while growing up. Right now I'm reading Chomsky, without any of his prodding. That asshole.

Julie didn't find it too stimulating, because she's a psycho-biology major. So stuff about neurons wiring and firing together wasn't exactly new to her. Bonus points for pointing out how the movie contradicted itself by talking about how psychology limits us by classifying disorder by the apparent symptoms, not the cause. Then later it goes on to describe psychological disorders as a cause of neurological malfunction.

Just to be a dick here, let's literally say that parts of us are blinking in and out of existing at the "subatomic" level, maybe there's a component that doesn't show up? A soul? Maybe when it gets bent out of shape, we have neurological malfunctions.

Anyway, we still found it to be a good film. Daring, considering what passes for "intelligent" at the box office. But intellectuals that follow any of the topics they try to touch on will find it kinda "soundbite-ish".
Bonus points for all the nerdy star trek lingo like "Holodeck" by some of the PhDs, using it like it was offical terminology and expecting all of us to know it. You're such dorks.

I love star trek, because nothing could be a more unrealistic version of our future. And without trekkies, what would maxim magazine make fun on a monthly basis?

But it was a good evening because I ate Ben and Jerry's, Discusses the movie at length with someone, and people called me. Three seperate calls to hang out with people. That's a first. And just when I was getting used to the anti-social life of making techno that sucks.

But honestly, considering how it was from some distant friends I've been trying to close the gap with, it made me feel good to know they're trying to.

I've been running a lot and that helps me focus my reflexive nature much better then meditation. My mind really stops churning and asks the right questions, lets me sift through just the right memories I need. Meditation leaves me feeling like I lost a pint of blood.

One of the thoughts I had was on the subject of clean breaks. I've made a few of them lately. One of them even involved breaking a promise to always be friends with someone. I've concluded this time, keeping my word really isn't in their best interest. I think its hard to understand until you think about sacrifice, its not something you give up for yourself, it something you give up TO someone. FOR someone.

And I thought about how toxic anger is. And how I'm confusing impatient and anger. So I'm resolving to let my anger go. At friends, at co workers, at mortal enemies who've i've wished death by testicular cancer on...I'm going to try to let it go.

And I'm going to let go of the anger i have directed at myself. It was incredibly stupid to think that you could hold a butterfly by its wings, but in the end, everyone is going to straighten up and fly right.

I fixed up my first track, 31 seconds, to sound a little louder. Hope everyone appreciates.

I fool around with my computer. Musically.

Here's some tuesday night beats

Its just something I whipped up because hell, its tuesday.
A little tribute the drummer in all of us.


I know its nothing special. But creating like this is a relaxing pasttime.
There's no wrong answer. (So enough with saying you're sorry.)

So all the things I want to do: I'm doing them.

One of them was explore my musical side a little better. And while I don't think I'm going to be able to afford the MIDI keyboard and dual processor mac anytime soon, I do have iLife 05, so I got started on a musical track.

See, what inspired me was a friend of mine who used to rave. And while this friend still loves the music and the culture, they're not popping any pills anymore. They one told me that the music can bring out the same experience without pills if they're feeling the music.

So this one is for them. I'm simply calling it 31 seconds

You'll need iTunes or another MP3 player.

(just a quick note: I originally posted the file as an AAC, but found that my server didn't know the MIME type. Long story short, I just reposted as an MP3, which should resolve some download issues. If you have problems with Safari or IE, try Firefox as not a one has had a problem with that.

I changed my layout a little bit. Anyone have any thoughts on it? Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments of this post.

I ran great today until my spine went *POP*.

I was beaten.

But I'm going to re-double my efforts in streching, and run more slower long distance runs down by the riverside park, and see where it takes me.

I wanna get into shape BEFORE ultimate season. And maybe even have some throwing skill.

Who knows. All I know is for 30 minutes it hurt so bad that I could barely walk.

And that really sucks. Totally embarressing.
Ugh.

I did someone a favor to. I aided them in the greatest way a friend can.
Its just nothing something you will read about here, or anywhere.

But in the end, I think everything is going to be okay.

I saw spanglish with a friend of mine. Its a complete chick flick, but its bearable to the male audience because it does not spent 90% of the time pandering to what the girls want. Adam Sandler actually acts. He's a likeable character.

I also finally saw Zach Braff's movie, Garden State. Also liked it. Burned myself a copy. Go DVD "Back up" software.

This past week I went to the bar with Vanessa and Dan. This was after playing frisbee and kickball on an absoluetly gorgeous day. The people we were playing kickball with were all ravers completely tweaked out. It was a lotta fun because everyone sucked at kickball and no one cared.

At the bar, after a drink or two, and staying out way later then I wanted to (but felt I should, because Vanessa's moving out west at the end of this semester) Vanessa and I and Dan started talking about relationships. Van said something that even through my buzz stuck me as wisdom. "When you've really fallen in love, you're so into the other person that you don't care how much its going to hurt when it goes back to harsh reality time. You just fall, and accept it, and you don't even think about landing on your feet."

Or something to that effect. Also, Kudos to Van for calling me out of the blue. It was very thoughtful of her.

Thursday night I called a friend of mine that I'm trying to get closer with to hang out. The response was, "love to, but I have to study all night. I got 3 chapters of blah blah blah that I still have to cover."

So I since the usual calls to people who don't call me back were fruitless, I ended up working out and running errands until 9, and showering and such kept me busy till bed.

I woke up the next day and doubled over with cramps. I tried going to work, but by the time i reached the tunnels I realized I was going to get sick in my car.
So I went home and slept. Around 8 i get up to check the news and such, seeing as I called off work. And that's when it happened. I saw my friend's away message:
"Still drunk from going out last night. But hey, I was a champ!"

Lame.

Normally, I would be bummed by this, and the fair weather friendships of this world would dishearten me so much I'd become needy and co-dependent on somebody.

Not this time. I just snapped back.

My friend Seth just recently celebrated his 22nd. His band, (and my friend Adam's) played at Mr. Smalls. Had a great time watching them. And I got to ignore the person who blew me off thursday :)

The point is that I'm not longer worried about cutting the chord with people that don't really care about me. Whatever perceived injustices, perceived thoughtless acts that I was or am part of, if they're going to hold it against me, So be it. I won't be trying much longer to change their mind. What I am going to do is spend time with the people who call me back.

And I'm going to keep pushing forward with my goals.