Friday, August 31, 2007
The 7 Critical Rules For Understanding People
Read This.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Vigil To End The War
I attended a vigil against the war in Iran (and the coming one with Iran) this past week. It was my first act of political free speech and assembly since I applied for my Security Clearance. I'm not saying I got my clearance. I'm not stupid enough to talk about that on my blog. I'm just saying I went to an anti-war protest. And it was decidedly anti-war. It was not "Anti-War, but a bunch of pro-impeachment people showed up and took over. Or, Anti-War, but a bunch of Universal Health Care people came and took over." Just anti-war folk.
A Gulf War Vet spoke. Beforehand we were bullshitting about what candidates we like. Its funny because all of the candidates that receive media play like Hillary, Edwards, Ron Paul, etc, are pretty much either completely unelectable (e.g. they're populists, but aren't considered 'serious' candidates by the MSM) or they're more of the same (Hilldog, Obama, Guiliani). This election feels like we're just going to swish the same shitty taste from the right cheek to the left, and I'm left with the feeling that nothing is going to change.
They've been trying for Universal Health Care for almost 20 years. Nixon didn't like it. And now the health care lobby has more than 600 lobbyists under its employ. That's more than 1 lobbyist per elected representative in both House and Senate combined. Big money triumphs over little people. Our system is built upon the two words: Money Talks.
So yeah, I'm a little cynical, and I probably wasn't the best person to be giving 18 year olds who're going to be voting on their first presidential election in 08 voting advice.
We did one thing at the Vigil that I both liked and disliked. We read the casualty timeline. It read like, "On such and such a day, 4 US soldiers were killed. They were from Anchorage, AK, Someplace, PA, such and such, KY, bumblescum, SC." It was kinda long and tedious, and felt a little past the line where I wanted to go in terms of political expression. However, at the same time, I felt it was necessary. The war has been out sourced to a professional class that middle america has almost no contact with, and middle america has no real stake in this war. Most of us just want to "win" for some unfounded reason like like it would be better for the iraqi people (unlikely) or to prevent America from dealing with the same shame it felt after losing Vietnam.
(Just listen to anyone running their mouth about how we could've won that conflict. We dropped more bombs than we did in WWII. We were there for 16 years. Our best estimates put the civilian dead at 2.5 million. Its nothing but a lie born of revisionism -- brought on by the shame that military might cannot and willnot end cultural differences of a foreign culture.)
So we read the timeline. It omits the names of the fallen, so that their names aren't used in any political purpose. (As opposed to their deaths, which at this point I think it is nakedly obvious is for nothing but a political purpose.)
One army guy was 'disgusted' by what we were doing. It was a waste of time to tell him that we were not his enemy. Trying to educate those who don't really think/feel/care about the war is one thing, but those that have a personal stake in it, those that believe in it, and that could be going into a shooting war in the next 6 months, the truth is those are the ones that you feel the worst for -- they're already gone.
Anyway, it was decent.
A Gulf War Vet spoke. Beforehand we were bullshitting about what candidates we like. Its funny because all of the candidates that receive media play like Hillary, Edwards, Ron Paul, etc, are pretty much either completely unelectable (e.g. they're populists, but aren't considered 'serious' candidates by the MSM) or they're more of the same (Hilldog, Obama, Guiliani). This election feels like we're just going to swish the same shitty taste from the right cheek to the left, and I'm left with the feeling that nothing is going to change.
They've been trying for Universal Health Care for almost 20 years. Nixon didn't like it. And now the health care lobby has more than 600 lobbyists under its employ. That's more than 1 lobbyist per elected representative in both House and Senate combined. Big money triumphs over little people. Our system is built upon the two words: Money Talks.
So yeah, I'm a little cynical, and I probably wasn't the best person to be giving 18 year olds who're going to be voting on their first presidential election in 08 voting advice.
We did one thing at the Vigil that I both liked and disliked. We read the casualty timeline. It read like, "On such and such a day, 4 US soldiers were killed. They were from Anchorage, AK, Someplace, PA, such and such, KY, bumblescum, SC." It was kinda long and tedious, and felt a little past the line where I wanted to go in terms of political expression. However, at the same time, I felt it was necessary. The war has been out sourced to a professional class that middle america has almost no contact with, and middle america has no real stake in this war. Most of us just want to "win" for some unfounded reason like like it would be better for the iraqi people (unlikely) or to prevent America from dealing with the same shame it felt after losing Vietnam.
(Just listen to anyone running their mouth about how we could've won that conflict. We dropped more bombs than we did in WWII. We were there for 16 years. Our best estimates put the civilian dead at 2.5 million. Its nothing but a lie born of revisionism -- brought on by the shame that military might cannot and willnot end cultural differences of a foreign culture.)
So we read the timeline. It omits the names of the fallen, so that their names aren't used in any political purpose. (As opposed to their deaths, which at this point I think it is nakedly obvious is for nothing but a political purpose.)
One army guy was 'disgusted' by what we were doing. It was a waste of time to tell him that we were not his enemy. Trying to educate those who don't really think/feel/care about the war is one thing, but those that have a personal stake in it, those that believe in it, and that could be going into a shooting war in the next 6 months, the truth is those are the ones that you feel the worst for -- they're already gone.
Anyway, it was decent.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Kate's Bday Blogger Video Post
I'm trying this blogger video post to see if it will work better than hosting the videos on my own domain. Give it a shot if you had problems with quicktime. This is FLV so it should work.
Labels: birthdays, blogger, Fairmont, friends, video
Kat blowing out the candles at her 21st Birthday
If you click the link to this picture, you will see a movie of my friend Kat blowing out the candles of her 21st birthday cake. Props to Kat.Labels: birthdays, Fairmont, video
Sunday, August 26, 2007
In this episode our hero takes a page from Billy Idol and Dances with Himself
Saturday night was a let down. I hung out with my law school friend, MP, and her friends from Marshall. The only problem is that they were all paired up. So this left me as the 5th wheel. It was less comical than you think.
Three observations:
and happy. It does not say those who kiss their wife before they leave work, or those in happy relationship, but simply being in a relationship is a different "set" of brainspace.
As I shift from one brainspace to another, I risk imploding into some kind of self-centered (more than usual), angst-ridden, withdrawn version of myself. I've already recognized the pattern I'm falling into. So trying to surround myself with chill people who help me "move past" this phase is definitely a short-term goal. However, it also contradicts my goal of actually getting shit done for grad school. I'm starting to realize that my one "real" class is going to be more demanding than I thought. Its another "brainspace" issue. I hate theory classes.
What you want from another person is really what you want in yourself. While I don't plan on withdrawing like I did the last time I split up after a long-term relationship, I don't plan on looking for anything. Instead, I plan on seeking out the qualities I desire within. I like fun-loving people. I need to learn how to make my own fun.
Three observations:
- The White Tie is out of style. Everyone is doing it now. And nobody was pulling it off even nearly as well I did. Well, except the guy who was dressed up like some kind of half-sailor, half-village people tribute group member.
- If you're not enough where you can grow facial hair, please do not sport any at a club. 95% of men can't pull off facial hair well anyway. Having some kind of scraggily scruff all over your face is not remotely appealing to anyone outside of a trailer park or middle school dance.
- You must be at least 10 years of my age to have the privilege of talking to me and not creeping me out.
and happy. It does not say those who kiss their wife before they leave work, or those in happy relationship, but simply being in a relationship is a different "set" of brainspace.
As I shift from one brainspace to another, I risk imploding into some kind of self-centered (more than usual), angst-ridden, withdrawn version of myself. I've already recognized the pattern I'm falling into. So trying to surround myself with chill people who help me "move past" this phase is definitely a short-term goal. However, it also contradicts my goal of actually getting shit done for grad school. I'm starting to realize that my one "real" class is going to be more demanding than I thought. Its another "brainspace" issue. I hate theory classes.
What you want from another person is really what you want in yourself. While I don't plan on withdrawing like I did the last time I split up after a long-term relationship, I don't plan on looking for anything. Instead, I plan on seeking out the qualities I desire within. I like fun-loving people. I need to learn how to make my own fun.
Labels: love, narcissim, personal, ramblings, thoughts
Friday, August 24, 2007
This is very important so listen carefully
I'm going to read this comic over every day until I feel comfortable saying what I think. Both here online and to the people in my life.
Labels: free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, fuck conformity, life is short, thoughts, web comics, xkcd
As my good friendValasek and I say over IM
(3:08:56 PM) redrobot5050: its nice to know that celebrities are campaigning for a safer road
(3:08:57 PM) valatXXXX : I am currently away from the computer.
(3:09:06 PM) redrobot5050: by switching to golf carts while DWI
(3:09:09 PM) valatXXXX: yeah, god bless them
(3:08:57 PM) valatXXXX
(3:09:06 PM) redrobot5050: by switching to golf carts while DWI
(3:09:09 PM) valatXXXX: yeah, god bless them
Labels: IM conversations, ramblings
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
One of my favorite Robert A. Heinlein Quotes
I said that "Patriotism" is a way of saying "Women and children first." And that no one can force a man to feel this way. Instead he must embrace it freely. I want to tell about one such man. He wore no uniform and no one knows his name, or where he came from; all we know is what he did.
In my home town sixty years ago when I was a child, my mother and father used to take me and my brothers and sisters out to Swope Park on Sunday afternoons. It was a wonderful place for kids, with picnic grounds and lakes and a zoo. But a railroad line cut straight through it.
One Sunday afternoon a young married couple were crossing these tracks. She apparently did not watch her step, for she managed to catch her foot in the frog of a switch to a siding and could not pull it free. Her husband stopped to help her.
But try as they might they could not get her foot loose. While they were working at it, a tramp showed up, walking the ties. He joined the husband in trying to pull the young woman's foot loose. No luck —
Out of sight around the curve a train whistled. Perhaps there would have been time to run and flag it down, perhaps not. In any case both men went right ahead trying to pull her free... and the train hit them.
The wife was killed, the husband was mortally injured and died later, the tramp was killed — and testimony showed that neither man made the slightest effort to save himself.
The husband's behavior was heroic... but what we expect of a husband toward his wife: his right, and his proud privilege, to die for his woman. But what of this nameless stranger? Up to the very last second he could have jumped clear. He did not. He was still trying to save this woman he had never seen before in his life, right up to the very instant the train killed him. And that's all we'll ever know about him.
This is how a man dies.
This is how a man... lives!
In my home town sixty years ago when I was a child, my mother and father used to take me and my brothers and sisters out to Swope Park on Sunday afternoons. It was a wonderful place for kids, with picnic grounds and lakes and a zoo. But a railroad line cut straight through it.
One Sunday afternoon a young married couple were crossing these tracks. She apparently did not watch her step, for she managed to catch her foot in the frog of a switch to a siding and could not pull it free. Her husband stopped to help her.
But try as they might they could not get her foot loose. While they were working at it, a tramp showed up, walking the ties. He joined the husband in trying to pull the young woman's foot loose. No luck —
Out of sight around the curve a train whistled. Perhaps there would have been time to run and flag it down, perhaps not. In any case both men went right ahead trying to pull her free... and the train hit them.
The wife was killed, the husband was mortally injured and died later, the tramp was killed — and testimony showed that neither man made the slightest effort to save himself.
The husband's behavior was heroic... but what we expect of a husband toward his wife: his right, and his proud privilege, to die for his woman. But what of this nameless stranger? Up to the very last second he could have jumped clear. He did not. He was still trying to save this woman he had never seen before in his life, right up to the very instant the train killed him. And that's all we'll ever know about him.
This is how a man dies.
This is how a man... lives!
Labels: late night thoughts, quotables, ramblings, Robert A. Heinlein, thoughts
Monday, August 20, 2007
A million thoughts at once, and I can't put them in context.
WV is under water right now because of the tropical storm or hurricane that's beating down on the east coast. I find myself freaking out because I'm driving through these giant puddles.
In contrast, driving around (or navigating) New York City, some kind of magical "mental fifth gear" kicked in. I felt like I could navigate like my life depended on it. I love that mental acuity.
***
I've been thinking a lot. A lot of things have been flowing in and out of my head. I'm planning what I want in life. I'm trying to stop and think of what I want in my life, and who I want in life. I'm trying to imagine what my life is going to be like. I need to learn how to see past my own nose.
I need to think of who I'm going to be 5 years from now and start becoming that person. I need to think about what kind of people I'm going to want in my life and meet those people.
***
My first day of classes started today. Something very good also happened friday at work. Between the two, its the opening of a new door for me. When the master's is completed, I'll be able to move to the D.C. area and name my price if I'm to continue government contracting. A lot of people really joke about going to college to put off reality. I think I am one of them. Getting a master's is no cake walk, and considering how I'm a lot more serious about my education this time around, its not really burying my head in the sand, but its admission that I know what I want, what it will take to get it, and that I will need to move on from here. Part of me is happy here, but the part of me that looks to the future feels I won't find true happiness here. What worries me is advice I get from my D.C. friends that aren't yuppies, and that it takes a lot of strength to deal with atmosphere in D.C.
However, part of me is thinking my future lies out in Boulder, CO, or Denver Co. I have family and friends in the area. It would not be as big a crap shoot as moving to WV was. It makes it a lot easier to get a start when you have one or both around you. I used to frown on people who did something like that, thinking they were settling or being weak -- they weren't going to a location because that's where the 'action' is, they were going there so they wouldn't be alone. And they would live out their days like, as Robert A. Heinlein, "the people who don't think and don't matter." Now I just understand that others have valued family more than I have, and its 'value' on my list of priorities has begun to change.
***
This all started from a conversation I had with my co-workers at work. We were discussing the worst way to go. One person's worst way was to burn to death. You feel the first 60% of your body burn all the way to a hot crisp. Its agony all the way until the end. The other was buried alive, forced to suffocate like those miners. Or waking up in a coffin, buried alive, facing such a confined space with little space to move, and no hope of escape.
Mine was a fear I've witnessed close up: Wasting away for years, to die a medicated mess. Eaten alive on the inside by malignant masses. Every treatment a drain on your family's strength and resources. Being a burden. Having people I love hope that I someone how beat the odds -- the death sentence pronounced multiple times by multiple oncologists -- but knowing I'm going to die anyway. That I'm past the point of no return. Everyone just sitting around watching me get worse, waiting for me to die.
Fuck burning alive. At least that's quick. And when the all the nerves in your body have failed, you'll be a in a pain free state of shock induced calm. At least you'll know that compared to what I fear, its relatively quick.
So really, the question that started it all isn't "What's the worst way to die?" but the complement of it: How do I want to live?
In contrast, driving around (or navigating) New York City, some kind of magical "mental fifth gear" kicked in. I felt like I could navigate like my life depended on it. I love that mental acuity.
***
A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.
--Robert A Heinlein
I've been thinking a lot. A lot of things have been flowing in and out of my head. I'm planning what I want in life. I'm trying to stop and think of what I want in my life, and who I want in life. I'm trying to imagine what my life is going to be like. I need to learn how to see past my own nose.
I need to think of who I'm going to be 5 years from now and start becoming that person. I need to think about what kind of people I'm going to want in my life and meet those people.
***
My first day of classes started today. Something very good also happened friday at work. Between the two, its the opening of a new door for me. When the master's is completed, I'll be able to move to the D.C. area and name my price if I'm to continue government contracting. A lot of people really joke about going to college to put off reality. I think I am one of them. Getting a master's is no cake walk, and considering how I'm a lot more serious about my education this time around, its not really burying my head in the sand, but its admission that I know what I want, what it will take to get it, and that I will need to move on from here. Part of me is happy here, but the part of me that looks to the future feels I won't find true happiness here. What worries me is advice I get from my D.C. friends that aren't yuppies, and that it takes a lot of strength to deal with atmosphere in D.C.
However, part of me is thinking my future lies out in Boulder, CO, or Denver Co. I have family and friends in the area. It would not be as big a crap shoot as moving to WV was. It makes it a lot easier to get a start when you have one or both around you. I used to frown on people who did something like that, thinking they were settling or being weak -- they weren't going to a location because that's where the 'action' is, they were going there so they wouldn't be alone. And they would live out their days like, as Robert A. Heinlein, "the people who don't think and don't matter." Now I just understand that others have valued family more than I have, and its 'value' on my list of priorities has begun to change.
***
This all started from a conversation I had with my co-workers at work. We were discussing the worst way to go. One person's worst way was to burn to death. You feel the first 60% of your body burn all the way to a hot crisp. Its agony all the way until the end. The other was buried alive, forced to suffocate like those miners. Or waking up in a coffin, buried alive, facing such a confined space with little space to move, and no hope of escape.
Mine was a fear I've witnessed close up: Wasting away for years, to die a medicated mess. Eaten alive on the inside by malignant masses. Every treatment a drain on your family's strength and resources. Being a burden. Having people I love hope that I someone how beat the odds -- the death sentence pronounced multiple times by multiple oncologists -- but knowing I'm going to die anyway. That I'm past the point of no return. Everyone just sitting around watching me get worse, waiting for me to die.
Fuck burning alive. At least that's quick. And when the all the nerves in your body have failed, you'll be a in a pain free state of shock induced calm. At least you'll know that compared to what I fear, its relatively quick.
So really, the question that started it all isn't "What's the worst way to die?" but the complement of it: How do I want to live?
Labels: late night thoughts, life is short, personal, ramblings
Monday, August 13, 2007
New York City and Pittsburgh
Last week in Pittsburgh with Megan:
Me: "I'm so bad at line dancing it's not funny" (said while at a swing dancing lesson).
Her: "Really?"
Me: "Actually, it IS funny."
--Before learning (for like the 5th time) how to dance the charleston.
Now:
I'm in NYC. For a java developer conference. My trip took like 10+ hours because of PennDOT's decision to close 3 lanes of I-78E 50 miles before Jersery. I know one of my co-workers boyfriend works there -- everyone else associated with PennDOT, I wish painful, nasty things upon. It took me two grueling hours to travel something like 2 miles. All for fixing a few potholes on the interstate. Its 1:30 and I'm going to bed, I have to be up by six so I can make the registration. Then its 12 hours (give or take) of presentations.
But Nick, my friend who's putting me up for the night seems really cool.
I'm sleeping late tomorrow. But I might cut my shopping short so that I can beat the construction on I-78 (its nighttime only construction) back and not have to spend 12 hours driving.
All the best to everyone. I'm also in grad school for the readers who didn't know via Soapbox.
Me: "I'm so bad at line dancing it's not funny" (said while at a swing dancing lesson).
Her: "Really?"
Me: "Actually, it IS funny."
--Before learning (for like the 5th time) how to dance the charleston.
Now:
I'm in NYC. For a java developer conference. My trip took like 10+ hours because of PennDOT's decision to close 3 lanes of I-78E 50 miles before Jersery. I know one of my co-workers boyfriend works there -- everyone else associated with PennDOT, I wish painful, nasty things upon. It took me two grueling hours to travel something like 2 miles. All for fixing a few potholes on the interstate. Its 1:30 and I'm going to bed, I have to be up by six so I can make the registration. Then its 12 hours (give or take) of presentations.
But Nick, my friend who's putting me up for the night seems really cool.
I'm sleeping late tomorrow. But I might cut my shopping short so that I can beat the construction on I-78 (its nighttime only construction) back and not have to spend 12 hours driving.
All the best to everyone. I'm also in grad school for the readers who didn't know via Soapbox.
Labels: late night thoughts, new york city, personal, ramblings, road trips, soapbox, swing dancing, traffic
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Going to your funeral, feeling like a fool
I broke up with my girlfriend.
That's the closest I can come to really talking about. I want to remain friends with her. I just need to find if what I want out of life really exists, and if so, find it. And that will take some considerable thought, luck, and time. All I have is now.
All anyone has is now.
I need to focus.
I need to forget.
I need to remember.
I need to dream.
And I don't really know what I need. I'm just rattling my chains to make noise.
Here's a story. Here's some meat for everyone to chew on.
My first relationship, with Christine, ended in a similar fashion to this one. Which is to say one-sided. And I could accept her wishes. What really stung, what really hurt, was having a close mutual friend tell me that she hadn't been in love with me for months, and was simply going through the motions and trying to enjoy her time with me until she left for college.
Not only did I kill the messenger (I haven't ever spoken to her since, not even when I heard she just barely made it out of NOLA alive before the levees broke) but I deeply resented Christine. Enough that when she came home that summer and gave me ample opportunity to cheat on her boyfriend with her, I passed on each one. For knowing that every tear, every bit of idle chatter, every teeter or gasp or coo was coming through a wall I was blind to -- that hurt more than I let anyone know.
When she stopped coming to my birthday parties in college, I stopped calling her. And I never spoke of her name since. I started dating Jing that night and all the rest is history. I never let Christine know that the bitterness that frightened both of us was her doing.
I never knew what it was really like from her perspective, and I never granted her any credit. How you could do that to a person? I realize now it is not deliberate; it is out of the need to protect them. Now, I understand what she went through. Now I can forgive. I would forgive (and understand) those who hate me for suffering as I did suffer, and hope they never have to understand why I am the way I am.
And so it goes. Posts will get a lot less personal after this one for a while.
That's the closest I can come to really talking about. I want to remain friends with her. I just need to find if what I want out of life really exists, and if so, find it. And that will take some considerable thought, luck, and time. All I have is now.
All anyone has is now.
I need to focus.
I need to forget.
I need to remember.
I need to dream.
And I don't really know what I need. I'm just rattling my chains to make noise.
Here's a story. Here's some meat for everyone to chew on.
My first relationship, with Christine, ended in a similar fashion to this one. Which is to say one-sided. And I could accept her wishes. What really stung, what really hurt, was having a close mutual friend tell me that she hadn't been in love with me for months, and was simply going through the motions and trying to enjoy her time with me until she left for college.
Not only did I kill the messenger (I haven't ever spoken to her since, not even when I heard she just barely made it out of NOLA alive before the levees broke) but I deeply resented Christine. Enough that when she came home that summer and gave me ample opportunity to cheat on her boyfriend with her, I passed on each one. For knowing that every tear, every bit of idle chatter, every teeter or gasp or coo was coming through a wall I was blind to -- that hurt more than I let anyone know.
When she stopped coming to my birthday parties in college, I stopped calling her. And I never spoke of her name since. I started dating Jing that night and all the rest is history. I never let Christine know that the bitterness that frightened both of us was her doing.
I never knew what it was really like from her perspective, and I never granted her any credit. How you could do that to a person? I realize now it is not deliberate; it is out of the need to protect them. Now, I understand what she went through. Now I can forgive. I would forgive (and understand) those who hate me for suffering as I did suffer, and hope they never have to understand why I am the way I am.
And so it goes. Posts will get a lot less personal after this one for a while.
Labels: love, narcissim, personal
