Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Throwing it all against the wall and seeing what sticks
There's some good, a whole lot of bad, and some ugly.
Why open with a joke when you can open with a bomb: Three people I know might have cancer. Two are waiting to see a specialist and get a biopsy. They're playing the infuriating waiting game. I know it all too well -- my uncle had to wait months to see specialists. "I had cancer 3 times" is apparently not considered a reason to fast track someone. So I'm part of their support networks for this ordeal, and I only hope that their experiences are not ones that lead me to dark places.
This halloween I copied my friend Lisa's idea and went as "Sex and Candy". Its a great clubbing costume because its functional. People can just pull the condoms or candies off as needed. Some fun photos were taken.
Someone on soapbox in D.C. is working my last nerve and may get the Axe very soon.
My friend who loves to cook has launched a new blog called BrokeVeganGirl.com. So if you're into cheap, great tasting vegan food (don't laugh, it exists) than keep your eyes peeled as she gets it up off the ground.
Its predicted that one out of every two males from my generation will have to deal with cancer in their lifetime. One out of three women from my generation will also have to deal with it. That really brings me down.
I'm really in the mood to buy some high quality transfer paper and design my own t-shirts.
My recent mantra has been, "Let it go". I've been doing it more in situations where I feel I should say something. People are infatuated with platitudes and compliments and shiny things, not honesty. So when I feel myself working up to a state of stress over something that really should be inconsequential, I just repeat to myself, "Let it go". Lately, its been working, and I'm proud of myself. Its really helping me move forward towards my goals. There have been days when this has stopped work-related ennui from transferring over to personal relationships.
I can only now completely straighten my left arm from a pull-up work out I did last week on tuesday. Last friday it was bad enough I skipped the fall swing dance. I should still hopefully make the fall swing trip up to Swing City in Pittsburgh.
In Rainbows is out and its really not that good. Maybe a 4/10. And this is coming from a fan who's sucked it up and paid the price to see them live in the USA. Its hard to admit, but the album is lackluster (IMHO). My friends have sworn it will grow on me if I give it a chance, but I'm guessing they just don't have better music to smoke pot to right now. As Radiohead trends more towards ambient grooves, the ambient artists that I like have been trending more towards "Groove" and less towards "ambient". I need to find some more music.
This is enough for now.
Why open with a joke when you can open with a bomb: Three people I know might have cancer. Two are waiting to see a specialist and get a biopsy. They're playing the infuriating waiting game. I know it all too well -- my uncle had to wait months to see specialists. "I had cancer 3 times" is apparently not considered a reason to fast track someone. So I'm part of their support networks for this ordeal, and I only hope that their experiences are not ones that lead me to dark places.
This halloween I copied my friend Lisa's idea and went as "Sex and Candy". Its a great clubbing costume because its functional. People can just pull the condoms or candies off as needed. Some fun photos were taken.
Someone on soapbox in D.C. is working my last nerve and may get the Axe very soon.
My friend who loves to cook has launched a new blog called BrokeVeganGirl.com. So if you're into cheap, great tasting vegan food (don't laugh, it exists) than keep your eyes peeled as she gets it up off the ground.
Its predicted that one out of every two males from my generation will have to deal with cancer in their lifetime. One out of three women from my generation will also have to deal with it. That really brings me down.
I'm really in the mood to buy some high quality transfer paper and design my own t-shirts.
My recent mantra has been, "Let it go". I've been doing it more in situations where I feel I should say something. People are infatuated with platitudes and compliments and shiny things, not honesty. So when I feel myself working up to a state of stress over something that really should be inconsequential, I just repeat to myself, "Let it go". Lately, its been working, and I'm proud of myself. Its really helping me move forward towards my goals. There have been days when this has stopped work-related ennui from transferring over to personal relationships.
I can only now completely straighten my left arm from a pull-up work out I did last week on tuesday. Last friday it was bad enough I skipped the fall swing dance. I should still hopefully make the fall swing trip up to Swing City in Pittsburgh.
In Rainbows is out and its really not that good. Maybe a 4/10. And this is coming from a fan who's sucked it up and paid the price to see them live in the USA. Its hard to admit, but the album is lackluster (IMHO). My friends have sworn it will grow on me if I give it a chance, but I'm guessing they just don't have better music to smoke pot to right now. As Radiohead trends more towards ambient grooves, the ambient artists that I like have been trending more towards "Groove" and less towards "ambient". I need to find some more music.
This is enough for now.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Four Things
Inspired by Lina's post on soapbox:
A) Four Jobs I've had in my life.
1. All around Floral Assistant (deliveries, cleaning, wedding set up/tear down, and other non-design work)
2. Resident Network Guy (only at a college will you be able to parley a backwards worn red visor and minimal networking skills into hooking up with girls.)
3. Nuclear Utility Software Subcontrator (Don't forget that the new TPS reports have a coversheet. Did you get the memo?)
4. Defense Contractor
Four Places I have Lived:
1. Seattle, WA (Go Seahawks!)
2. Pittsburgh, PA (Go Steelers/Go Pens)
3. Wichita, KS (Home of the shockers! Go Shockers!)
4. Morgantown, WV (Go Mountaineers!)
Four TV Shows I like to Watch:
1. Battlestar Galactica
2. The Office
3. Family Guy
4. Futurama
Four places I've been on Vacation:
1. Chicoteague Island
2. New Orleans, LA
3. Rickets' Glenn, PA
4. Ohiopyle, PA (Home of FLW's Falling Water)
Four of my favorite foods:
1. White Pizza
2. Sushi
3. Chili
4. Grilled Salmon
Four Places I like to shop:
1. Amazon.com
2. Ebay.com
3. Journeys ( I <3 Diesel's shoes)
4. Barnes and Noble.
A) Four Jobs I've had in my life.
1. All around Floral Assistant (deliveries, cleaning, wedding set up/tear down, and other non-design work)
2. Resident Network Guy (only at a college will you be able to parley a backwards worn red visor and minimal networking skills into hooking up with girls.)
3. Nuclear Utility Software Subcontrator (Don't forget that the new TPS reports have a coversheet. Did you get the memo?)
4. Defense Contractor
Four Places I have Lived:
1. Seattle, WA (Go Seahawks!)
2. Pittsburgh, PA (Go Steelers/Go Pens)
3. Wichita, KS (Home of the shockers! Go Shockers!)
4. Morgantown, WV (Go Mountaineers!)
Four TV Shows I like to Watch:
1. Battlestar Galactica
2. The Office
3. Family Guy
4. Futurama
Four places I've been on Vacation:
1. Chicoteague Island
2. New Orleans, LA
3. Rickets' Glenn, PA
4. Ohiopyle, PA (Home of FLW's Falling Water)
Four of my favorite foods:
1. White Pizza
2. Sushi
3. Chili
4. Grilled Salmon
Four Places I like to shop:
1. Amazon.com
2. Ebay.com
3. Journeys ( I <3 Diesel's shoes)
4. Barnes and Noble.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The Next 4 Years
I turn 26 tomorrow. On that omission, its a slow downhill slide to 30. Its got me thinking about what I need to accomplish, or in other words, where I want to be when I'm 30.
So here's a (brief) list of goals. I'm omitting goals that are, for the most part, out of my control, such as getting married/kids because that "takes two".
I'm open to any ideas that aren't entirely cliche (e.g. "Run a Marathon"). But this is all I have for now, besides "get more sleep" because I'm tired.
So here's a (brief) list of goals. I'm omitting goals that are, for the most part, out of my control, such as getting married/kids because that "takes two".
- Own property. Or at the very least, save for a house. Hello, tax write off!
- Relocate to a more urban area. The three preliminary areas are Seattle, Wa., Boulder, Co., and Washington D.C. I have friends and family near most those areas. Its not that I don't enjoy Morgantown, but I have a feeling that what I enjoy the most (my friends) will have mostly graduated and moved on by the time I'm ready to move on.
- Finish my master's in computer science.
- Continue to swing dance. I still need to learn the Lindi Hop down pat. My footwork and timing is sloppy.
- Resume playing Piano. I played for six years and hated every god damned second of it. But that's mostly because of poor parenting. Don't ever set up music lessons for your kid on 8am on a Saturday. I don't see how my mother and father, together since they were in high school, and with nearly a decade of parenting experience thought that was going to do anything but inspire resentment and waste money. But I guess my dinosauric instructor was right: I'll be back someday.
- Travel. Travel. Travel.
- Heart hack. I just invented that term, so if its never been used before, I'm coining it. Engineering and programming teach you to recognize patterns and analyze things. You're given a toolkit to keep learning and recognize problems and solve them. I'd like to develop the same toolkit for emotional, instead of intellectual issues. Part of me thinks this might take spirituality, and re-reading the books I have written by the Dali Lama couldn't hurt, but I'm thinking some kind of rational, objectivist way of recognizing when I'm in an argument with blinders on. Or when I'm treating someone unfairly. In short, I want to re-program my emotional firmware.
- Write a book
I'm open to any ideas that aren't entirely cliche (e.g. "Run a Marathon"). But this is all I have for now, besides "get more sleep" because I'm tired.
Labels: birthdays, goals, personal, thoughts
Friday, October 12, 2007
on psychology
I was talking to a friend at work today who's recently gone off one of those adult ADHD medeications, and was talking about the 'crash'. They're known for causing depressive episodes. One of my good friends worked at a start up out of Pittsburgh where the CEO passed those kinds of pills around because we all know time is money to a start up, and who cares if one of your lead programmers has to quit because withdrawal has made him suicidally depressed....
Anyway, to be more on topic, my friend described many of the symptoms of her depressive episodes, and I found myself thinking that I've been feeling some of those as well. Quick to anger. Bouts of moroseness, more susceptible to sorrow.
I am beginning to entertain the possibility that I've recently undergone a mental health status change.
The question is "what do I do about it?"
I've heard horror stories from some of the other 'red badge' people about how what were once simple things to accomplish in the process of a background investigation or re-investigation were now suddenly difficult. I've already been through that hassle once, and anything that would make that more difficult a second time around when I become a beltway bandit or the equivalent in Boulder, CO, bothers me. I paid off nearly $4k in debt to improve my credit history, and paid off the last $5k on my car all in the last year to show that i'm one of 'the good guys'. I sacrificed.
And I want to accomplish something. That's important to me. I've moved away from friends I could honestly say I've loved twice. I know I will again, soon, after my master's is finished. I'll be 28 and have started over in a new place 3 or 4 times already, depending on how far back you want to go and what counts as starting over. I've worked on logistic systems that maintained nearly $60 million worth of assets for nuclear power plants, and the latest claim to fame is a number in the ballpark of nearly $2.7 billion worth of customs clearance in a prototype I helped build. And it will likely be operational for another year (and another 2.7 billion) before a replacement system goes live.
But I'm no good to anyone if I am batshit insane crazy. But considering the horror stories, it seems my career in this field would be over if I was even considered to be batshit insane crazy.
Nevermind that it could be perfectly normal to be mildly depressed under the circumstances and stress that I've been under.
I need to think on this more and research it more. I'm not one to sit on my hands. But I've also witnessed what happens to someone as they ignore all the warning signs that they are depressed for almost 20 years. A hollow, ruined career, a tattered marriage, and all kinds of oddities that make everyone sit, stare, and wonder. A downward spiral.
And there is nothing I would resist more than that happening to me.
Anyway, to be more on topic, my friend described many of the symptoms of her depressive episodes, and I found myself thinking that I've been feeling some of those as well. Quick to anger. Bouts of moroseness, more susceptible to sorrow.
I am beginning to entertain the possibility that I've recently undergone a mental health status change.
The question is "what do I do about it?"
I've heard horror stories from some of the other 'red badge' people about how what were once simple things to accomplish in the process of a background investigation or re-investigation were now suddenly difficult. I've already been through that hassle once, and anything that would make that more difficult a second time around when I become a beltway bandit or the equivalent in Boulder, CO, bothers me. I paid off nearly $4k in debt to improve my credit history, and paid off the last $5k on my car all in the last year to show that i'm one of 'the good guys'. I sacrificed.
And I want to accomplish something. That's important to me. I've moved away from friends I could honestly say I've loved twice. I know I will again, soon, after my master's is finished. I'll be 28 and have started over in a new place 3 or 4 times already, depending on how far back you want to go and what counts as starting over. I've worked on logistic systems that maintained nearly $60 million worth of assets for nuclear power plants, and the latest claim to fame is a number in the ballpark of nearly $2.7 billion worth of customs clearance in a prototype I helped build. And it will likely be operational for another year (and another 2.7 billion) before a replacement system goes live.
But I'm no good to anyone if I am batshit insane crazy. But considering the horror stories, it seems my career in this field would be over if I was even considered to be batshit insane crazy.
Nevermind that it could be perfectly normal to be mildly depressed under the circumstances and stress that I've been under.
I need to think on this more and research it more. I'm not one to sit on my hands. But I've also witnessed what happens to someone as they ignore all the warning signs that they are depressed for almost 20 years. A hollow, ruined career, a tattered marriage, and all kinds of oddities that make everyone sit, stare, and wonder. A downward spiral.
And there is nothing I would resist more than that happening to me.
Labels: late night thoughts, life is short, personal, ramblings
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Gyroscope
Gyroscope Lyrics
Artist(Band):Dismemberment Plan
She’s wearing too much lipstick tonight
A little black dress a little too tight
Tries to make small talk but it drips with spite
She knows that he’s coming; it’s really all right
Nobody here could know how she feels
Not getting drunk and she hates wearing heels
She tries to stand, but the room seems to bend and reel
Her friends all keep asking why can’t she just deal
If she spins fast enough than maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together
But any gyroscope can't spin forever, yea
If she spins fast enough than maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together
But any gyroscope can't spin forever
He says it’s over and it’s such a release
It’s finally happened and he’s making his peace
All the reminders don’t bother him in the least
The Jekyll and Hyde shit will finally cease
His eyes on fire and his hands kind of shake
Like his voice is ready to break
You kind of wonder how long this boy’s been awake
Or how much less sense one person can make
If he spins fast enough than maybe the broken pieces of his heart will stay together
But any gyroscope can't spin forever, yea
If he spins fast enough than maybe the broken pieces of his heart will stay together
But ain’t no gyroscope can spin forever, yea
Happiness is such hard work, and it gets harder every day
And it can kill you, but no one wants to be that tacky about it
If you spin fast enough than maybe the broken pieces of your heart will stay together
But some things I’ve seen lately make me doubt it.
Artist(Band):Dismemberment Plan
She’s wearing too much lipstick tonight
A little black dress a little too tight
Tries to make small talk but it drips with spite
She knows that he’s coming; it’s really all right
Nobody here could know how she feels
Not getting drunk and she hates wearing heels
She tries to stand, but the room seems to bend and reel
Her friends all keep asking why can’t she just deal
If she spins fast enough than maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together
But any gyroscope can't spin forever, yea
If she spins fast enough than maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together
But any gyroscope can't spin forever
He says it’s over and it’s such a release
It’s finally happened and he’s making his peace
All the reminders don’t bother him in the least
The Jekyll and Hyde shit will finally cease
His eyes on fire and his hands kind of shake
Like his voice is ready to break
You kind of wonder how long this boy’s been awake
Or how much less sense one person can make
If he spins fast enough than maybe the broken pieces of his heart will stay together
But any gyroscope can't spin forever, yea
If he spins fast enough than maybe the broken pieces of his heart will stay together
But ain’t no gyroscope can spin forever, yea
Happiness is such hard work, and it gets harder every day
And it can kill you, but no one wants to be that tacky about it
If you spin fast enough than maybe the broken pieces of your heart will stay together
But some things I’ve seen lately make me doubt it.
Monday, October 01, 2007
I Missed Lisa!
i went up to Pittsburgh on Friday because I thought Minus the Bear was playing Friday. I ended up hanging out with my friend Lisa and getting drunk in the south side with her. Great times. Let me say it again: Great times. I've known Lisa almost as long as I've known anyone I still speak to in my life. I'm her longest known friend. Since my group of friends in Pittsburgh was so tight, we've got a close history. And this was our first time hanging out (alone) together in ages.
We hit up Club Diesel in the south side, and after a few vodka and cranberries ($2.00 special!) we danced to the techno music with her friends from high school, who showed up celebrating a 21st bday just coincidentally. I think the feeling in the world is when you're dancing with a close friend and both of you are having fun and neither of you are taking it seriously. We cracked up on the dance floor multiple times. It was like when I'd dance with a friend at Vice, only more exaggerated.
We also crashed a VIP area. Good times. No, scratch that. Great times.
We then hit up my old watering hole in the south side -- Jekyl and Hyde's. Its a halloween motif'd bar. I was warned by Chuck that its a shadow of its pale self. It was indeed. It was a Duquensce bar through and through. Everything was there in the material form, but the spirit had gone out of the bar. It was just another dimly lit watering hole for rich, preppy, greek college kids. Lisa and I hung out on the bar stools and talked over the music and crowd until my voice was so wraspy it was giving out.
That didn't stop me from singing along to Bedford as I drove us back. I was even on key for two or three songs before my voice gave out.
Lisa, when you get a chance to read this, thank you for being you. Just when I needed a laugh deep from the soul, you popped up and delivered. You're a true friend. Visit soon.
We hit up Club Diesel in the south side, and after a few vodka and cranberries ($2.00 special!) we danced to the techno music with her friends from high school, who showed up celebrating a 21st bday just coincidentally. I think the feeling in the world is when you're dancing with a close friend and both of you are having fun and neither of you are taking it seriously. We cracked up on the dance floor multiple times. It was like when I'd dance with a friend at Vice, only more exaggerated.
We also crashed a VIP area. Good times. No, scratch that. Great times.
We then hit up my old watering hole in the south side -- Jekyl and Hyde's. Its a halloween motif'd bar. I was warned by Chuck that its a shadow of its pale self. It was indeed. It was a Duquensce bar through and through. Everything was there in the material form, but the spirit had gone out of the bar. It was just another dimly lit watering hole for rich, preppy, greek college kids. Lisa and I hung out on the bar stools and talked over the music and crowd until my voice was so wraspy it was giving out.
That didn't stop me from singing along to Bedford as I drove us back. I was even on key for two or three songs before my voice gave out.
Lisa, when you get a chance to read this, thank you for being you. Just when I needed a laugh deep from the soul, you popped up and delivered. You're a true friend. Visit soon.
Labels: life is short, personal, ramblings
A pissy personal post
A friend of mine recently betrayed a confidence. Nothing major, and its really nothing to get personal about. But here's the kicker: I confronted this person and they denied it to my face. They're sticking to their guns.
As they say in Washington, "Its not the crime that gets you, its the cover up."
I know they don't read this, but that person is essentially dead to me. I've been trying to live by the belief that its better to sell bridges than than burn them, but every now and then you come upon one that you feel is just worthless. There is nothing I can do because I cannot control this person's actions or trust them to do anything but be petty attention whores.
But enough of this negative venting of words. What's done is done, and now that I've reacted to it, I can move on.
As they say in Washington, "Its not the crime that gets you, its the cover up."
I know they don't read this, but that person is essentially dead to me. I've been trying to live by the belief that its better to sell bridges than than burn them, but every now and then you come upon one that you feel is just worthless. There is nothing I can do because I cannot control this person's actions or trust them to do anything but be petty attention whores.
But enough of this negative venting of words. What's done is done, and now that I've reacted to it, I can move on.
