On a talk about “America: The Grim Truth”, the debate eventually came down to happiness, the american dream, and relationships, and I wrote this question:

Seriously, is there an unwritten law that states at one point or another you have to accept you will grow apart, and if you're lucky the two of you will find your way back to one another?

And Don wrote back with this:

Almost. It is absolutely guaranteed that you will grow apart - in a long-term marriage, multiple times - and if you are genuinely committed to the marriage and willing to work hard, you can find your back to each other. If you'll recall my homily from Brian and Missy's wedding: There will come a day when, not only does it feel like going your separate ways is the best thing for both of you, it actually objectively is the best thing. Staying married means staying anyway when that day comes.It’s good advice to hear. I’ve been in that situation and felt that carrying on despite the odds was better. Now I feel better about one of the things I want to do later in life, and now I believe (once again) that I have what it takes.

http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/guestvoices/2010/04/the_buddha_wasnt_a_buddhist.html

This is an excellent column on how Buddhism isn’t a religion and it isn’t doctrine. The highest ideal of Buddhism is to think rationally for one self, and pursue a life of love and happiness. To find what works for you. Not to simply mouth words or actions with the idea that it will make you a better person or transform you overnight into a compassionate being. It is a framework for questions, and not a framework for answers. The answers come from your journey. The answers come when you seek them.

Do not confuse the map for the territory.

It’s a good read, and it was columns like this that helped me down my path.

It’s late and I’m still wired and in work mode. I have a long day with a late start ahead of me. In Therapy I will discuss the two conversations I had this week that held impact on my life and well being, and about how one impacts me in a negative manner, the other a positive, and how to minimize the negative, as I strive to be happy.

At work I will hopefully implement a 5 minute code change that people have been waiting on since Thursday morning.

Sometime later today I need to purchase a cap and gown and tickets for graduation. Which means I need to decide on who I’m inviting. Erin is obviously getting an invite. As is my houseguest, although I her work schedule tends to interfere with us being at social events together. My family will get invites, but it’s up in the air if my sister can make the journey, or if my parents will make the journey.

I’m not sure I want to see what condition my father is in, either.

In one of the found poems from 2005, I wrote a poem about how much I hated smoking. How stupid it was. How, after learning from all their mistakes, I continue to make my own stupid mistakes, like smoking. In it, I specifically curse my father’s “fat buddha belly”. Recently, at my friend Emily’s house, while discussing the phrase “everything in moderation” I referenced my “buddha belly” and said “its not going anywhere”.

Thinking into the future, I think I might want to expend some effort making sure it does go somewhere.

Graduation means a lot of good things. It really does mean time to look ahead into the future, and where ever I might go to find that next niche and further my search of happiness. And it means moving from that “in transition” state of mind to just transitioning.

But before I start this week on a good note, I must rest.

Her: “At the end of the day, which regret do you want to saddle me with when you leave for D.C.? That we rolled the dice and tried, or that we didn’t and regret it later?”
Me: “Pinky Promise you won’t hate me if I still decide to go and it doesn’t work out between us.”
Her: “Pinky Promise.”

And that’s all that needs to be said about yesterday. We’re just getting rid of some rules we made up and announcing what’s been going to the world.

What is it about lost causes that attract some people to them? This is a question I ask myself as I meditate on letting go.

What is it about the human ego that allows us to feel entitled to make mistakes but unable to see past the mistakes of others?

As my friend and mentor Brian would say, all the way from New Zealand, “Know that none of it matters once the moment is gone. See the school of fish in the river. Appreciate it. Then, the moment is gone. See the trees sway in the wind, dancing with the clouds. Then, the moment is gone.”

Today in an interview, the Dali Lama said that the purpose in life is to simply lead a life of happiness. That’s something I can get behind. Something I’m doing. To never give up hope for tomorrow. That’s also something I can get behind. Something I’m doing.

A man once took melatonin once, to help him sleep deeper. Instead of lucid dreams, he admitted love to who he shared his bed with. Thinking it was an isolated incident, many, many months, later, to someone else, the man did the same thing.

There’s a happy ending in this story. The second woman pretended to ignore his words. Let it slide. And the man is thankful for her prudence.

Wrap your head around the impossible and pull the trigger on a soiled destiny. You know, for kicks.

A friend of mine believes in god, because he says if you believe in people, eventually you’ll get let down enough that you will just lose faith. And to him, a cancer survivor, faith is important. So he believes in God, because that guy never gets off his ass, and as long as you believe that you won’t be let down.

I know what he means, but I can’t get behind that.

As much as I’ve been let down, I always believe in people, because I have this enormous strength that comes from the love I’ve been blessed with, and the love I’ve given. It may weaken, it may falter, but it has never failed to the point of complete surrender. My pride, and my trust in people, are likely different stories.

I’m foolish for that. One of those hopeless lost causes. I’ll never learn.

But what else can one do but hope and live? You die a thousand deaths, only to live a thousand and one times.

Then, the moment is gone.

So, digging through my notes for my defense, I’ve been putting together study outlines that break down what I’m likely to get quizzed on during my oral defense.

I’ve been using this old tablet I dug out from under my bed that was mostly blank.

I didn’t flip to the front to see it was my “Re-invention Handbook” from 2005, when Erin and I had broken up (because of a certain tryst on my part with a girl named Julie) and it was filled with my old crappy poetry. I thought I’d take a quick 10 minute break to share a few select pieces.

Universal Truth #51

For the coffee house girls:
You are most beautiful with your make up off,
Your glasses on, your nose buried in a book.
Your mind lost deep in thought.

-4/10/2005

Chris #1

The mirror broke
I’m staring at a thousand little pieces
All of them reflections
Of what’s inside me.

You’re always the last one to know.
Nobody says anything
Until it shows.

-4/10/2005

Julie #4

A quick positive memory
I remember when we watched Donnie Darko
at 4am in the dark on Craig St.
We fell asleep in each other’s arms,
In that friendly way.
Neither of us meant for it to happen.
I wasn’t crossing any lines.
I wasn’t breaking any promises.
You slept so peacefully through the second half.
I’ll always remember that.

-4/10/2005

There is more, but these quick sketches are all I really feel like sharing.

Oh...one more:


Untitled:
I think Jack Baurer is
A douchebag who should smoke
crack for a living.

-4/10/2005

(I was obviously not a fan of 24.)