A dance floor just for two
Loud music has had the tendency to inflict migraines on her. When I attempted to take her swing dancing, it left her so miserable she wept. (I'm not that bad of a dancer, she assures me.)
Last night, we danced together, pain free, for the first time. The experience was transcendental. I felt like the entire universe was just us and that dance floor. Nothing else existed, just us and the music, and the kisses that just don't end.
In my spiritual growth, I strive for an emotion Buddhist's call equinormity. A better term might be "balanced". The idea is not to overwhelmed by the suffering in the world, nor overwhelmed by the joys in the world.
In this moment, I was overwhelmed by the joys in the world.
The wheel theft of tuesday night:
After the movie, at 12:30, Tony and I called it a night. I retired to my room, only to find my phone ringing. It was Tony. He was in the visitor parking lot closest to my building. His two front tires were gone and his car was sitting on blocks.
Who in Morgantown does this?
I had my radar detector stolen out of my car about a month ago and I thought it was some opportunistic college student thinking he had found a free way out of beating a speeding ticket.
Apparently, I should have reported it stolen, because this was part of a wave of thefts at West Run and Copper Beech. (Copper Beech is apparently the robbery/break in capital of Morgantown).
Tony was not exactly pleased at this. And really, who is stealing rims off a 2003 Pontiac Grand Am when there is Lexus two cars over?
We called the state police and his insurance company. This story has a happy ending. By the time the state police showed up, the Morgantown police had caught a vehicle at the Sheetz near Pineview Dr. They called the state police officers out on the call. The wheels found in the vehicle looked to be a match. Tony was going to get his stolen property back in the same night.
So we played the waiting game. We stayed up and waited around his car for the police to bring back the wheels. In the mean time, I befriend a thin, all-black stray kitten which was probably abandoned outside my building. I named him/her "Jinxy", because he/she is bad luck and he/she crossed our paths. The kitten has no fear of people and is obviously looking for a human companion. We saw a few other stays closer to 4am. So many college students have abandoned their animal obligations. It makes me feel sad that a living thing is considered a disposable possession by this generation's future leaders of the world.
Anyway, they caught the thief by pure luck, but the jack gave out while putting on one of the two missing tires. It still cost Tony $100 to to have a Tow Truck help us get the tires on.
The First Fight
KD and I had our first fight. Right after our vacation, on her birthday. KD can be mean when she's had more than a few in her. She didn't hold back. I did.
But the night still ended badly: KD was visibly upset, the night was cut short, her friends left thinking I was an asshole like all of her other boytoys and likely never to be seen again. A rapid exchange of text messages that did nothing to assuage one another's concerns.
I confess that I have recently learned that you can't choose to be hurt, but you can choose to be angry. I knew I was hurt, but I also felt I was going to bed angry.
I woke to a text asking where we go from here. I asked for most of the day to blow off steam. I went to work. I worked out. I played a board game with friends.
We talked. I was calm and rational. Having been given the time off that I was asked for, I stated case without any drama. No emotional appeals, no ultimatums, not even raising my voice. Just reason.
In those angry moments, I calmed myself by re-reading the note she left in my graduation card.
"I am proud of you, and I always want what's best for you. I don't want you to leave, but I understand why you have to go." I want the best for her, too. I want her to be happy. That is the question, the koan, and the mantra.
In the end, we were both glad to have gotten "the first fight" out of the way. We used our words, we talked it out like adults are supposed to. We saw each others side, we apologized, and most importantly, we let things go because neither of us wanted this to be a sticking point in a good thing we have going.
Relationships are ships that never know how deep the waters run until they've run aground on a reef. The only way to really find out if the two of you can navigate those waters -- is to navigate them. Like in Buddhism, the dharma (path) is not about the destination, but about the journey. I'm glad that between the two of us, we didn't lose sight of this.
The Homecoming Ritual
In my high school days, I was lucky enough to have a punk rock radio show on the local college radio station WVBU: 90.5FM.
The transmitter is pretty low wattage compared to commercial radio stations. It has a range of about 20 miles outside of town.
So when I'm driving home, and the mile signs indicate I only have 25 or 20 more miles to go, I turn on the radio and set the dial to 90.5. I wait and listen. As the roads twist and turn and bring me closer to home, bursts of lyrics, guitar and drums jump out of the static and fade away.
I listen intently for gasps of music. I listen intently as the signal strength climbs and the static fades away like morning fog. Is is a tune I recognize? Something new? What's in heavy rotation now?
Its the siren song that guides me home through the dark. The light on in the window, waiting up for me. The invisible passenger riding with me; The traveler's compass.
It's how I know I'm home, even though it can never be my home again.
Kara's Birthday
My cat Kara is one today.
She was originally a birthday present. And she really is the best gift a guy could have gotten.
She was a mountain cat, the runt of a litter of outside only cats that were never given shots, never spayed, never let in on a cold winter night.
The thing I love about her so much is her love for me. Whenever I’m around, she feels the need to be with me. She follows me from room to room. She sleeps in places where I can put an around on her head and pet her while we drift off to sleep together. When I ignore her to do schoolwork or play video games or code, she finds ways to make me pay attention to her. She’ll colonize my lap while I watch netflix.
Today, the 14th of July, the month of her original birth, is the day I’ve chosen to celebrate her birthday.
For the longest time, this is the first pet I will not lose in a break-up. I won’t let a fragment of a sandal she chewed on take her. She won’t be one of the cats we give away to live on a farm. She is my cat, and I will love her to her dying day, and maybe even mine.
Okay, enough blogging about cats. But today is a day where no cheezburger is safe. She can haz them all.
Edit: Okay, I thought I’d include some images so here they are:
Here’s a link to an imgur.com album of Kara’s first pic, to her latest.
I'm Back
I’m back.
It’s been forever since I’ve updated my blog. When I run silent this long, it means one of two things: Good stuff is happening and I don’t want to jinx it, or Bad Stuff is happening and I don’t want to talk about it.
So what is the deal this time?
Mostly good stuff. Allow me to summarize:
The Good:
- I’ve graduated WVU with a Master’s in Computer Science.
- I’m looking for a new position in my company that is a better match. In D.C.
- I’m traveling more. Outer Banks, Antigua, Florida, and hopefully California.
- I’ve lost weight, despite developing an addiction to Wendy’s “Twisted Frosty”.
- I’m mediating twice a day 5 days a week as part of a program being run in my Sangha.
- I’m getting a motorcycle.
- Mandi and I are close again. There was a period where we had ‘squared off’ and it was just a stand off. Neither one of us would admit the other wanted to hang out or whatever. Then her computer broke down. We patched things up, fixed up the iMac, and we’re back on track to being close friends.
The Bad:
- It’s my last summer in Morgantown.
- I’m cutting some people out of my life that have demonstrated how little I am valued. Some are being purged while I’m still in residence. Others will be purged once I leave -- the natural clean break. I hate being that cold and calculating, but its one of those “will i ever see this person again? will I really care how they turn out? No? Okay then.”
- I really care about someone -- but I can’t tell her how much I care -- the word I’m looking for is one I just can’t say right now. The word I’m looking for was polluted in my last “serious” relationship. So I just do what I can with the time I have left and hope for the best.
- My car was broken into -- someone stole my radar detector.
- My dream camera’s screen damage is getting worse and the battery might not be holding charge as well as I’d hope.
There will be more later -- Mandi is encouraged me to start updating my blog now that I’m using my “The Watchmen” Journal to journal my meditation and happiness. The person who gave it to me was very thoughtful, and I am happy to have found a use for it. It’s a pity she won’t read this.
Adios, Space Cowboys.