Spring Break Update
This Friday I was almost killed by a drunk driver. I just got really lucky.
Coming back from hanging out at Mandi’s new place in South Park -- a little bit of Rescue Me, catching up, and playing with her turn tables. It’s a little easier to visit her now that’s she isn’t living on 6th St, just above Grant. Anyway, I take the backway from downtown to West Run, which takes me to the three way intersection right by all the shady used-car lots on the Mileground.
Right as the light turned green and I entered the intersection to take my protected left turn, I caught headlights coming straight at me from left. I look, and a car is barrelling around the turn and easily doing 55 m.p.h.
His SUV skids and fishtails right into my lane.
Had I not been moving already, I wouldn’t have had time to swerve at the last second to avoid collision with the idiot driver. The backside of his SUV would’ve hit my immobile car square in the front, probably while I had my foot on the break. I would’ve absorbed a lot of kinetic energy very quickly. All six airbags would’ve deployed. It would not have been a good time.
But luckily, the light was green, I was moving, I was aware, and I nobody else but the two of us were on the road. It would’ve sucked if I swerved to avoid an accident, only to cause another.
My kitten, Kara, is in the hospital right now. I don’t know if she got into a cleaner in my closet or ate something she shouldn’t have. But the last time I saw her, she was vomiting bile, possibly stomach acid, and crying about it. She wouldn’t play or chase anything. She refused treats. She just hung out in a corner of the room, like she had picked out the spot she wanted to die. After consulting with people I know who work at Vet’s offices, I took her for emergency care (it was a Sunday) but they really just gave her morphine and told me to starve her. Tomorrow, I find out what the next step is diagnostically -- be it a barium contrast x-ray, bloodwork, or exploratory surgery. I’m concerned. I always thought I’d be the kinda guy who looked at the price tag for some of these things and simply said “Nice knowing you but there’s another free kitten out there that isn’t sick”. Now, I know I’ll pay anything to keep my kitten healthy. It’s not a rational decision, but she’s family to me; she’s a life I’m responsible for -- and there isn’t a pricetag associated with that.
Besides, it’s only money. I probably spend what it will take to fix Kara on just “getting stupid” on the weekends.
Since its getting late, I’ll wrap this up a little quicker than I wanted:
--My dream camera has shown up and I love it.
--My defense date is set.
--I got a promotion at work.
--I love Excite Bike World Rally for the Wii.
--My research paper is going to drive me insane. I can already tell this.
--I’ve had Sonic (finally) and it seems highly overrated. It just seems like some neo-vintage/retro style era where people ate in the car -- but not because they were too busy to take time out of their day to eat. I don’t want my car to smell like last night’s drunk eats, so the appeal to it is kinda lost on me.
Dream Camera
The Nikon Coolpix S8000.
The world’s smallest 10X optical zoom camera with vibration reduction.
And its red.
Looking forward to playing with it over break.
I thought about getting a DSLR, but I figure I can barrow my friend Emily’s at some point and play with it before buying one. And at the rate that I see her, if I barrow it, I could have it all summer. :)
I'm awesome by spose
Ugly Words
In the span of my life, I have been called a jew, an atheist, ugly, poor, too pathetic to live, a punk, a faggot, a sissy, a pussy, an accident, a mistake, and so many other hateful words to count.
These words were crafted out of hate, and for the most part, as an ugly contrarian atheist punk who was an accident, I wasn’t bothered by it. I wasn’t playing the silly childish game. The labels people had assigned me growing up didn’t bother me.
But the words that punctured me like a switchblade in between the ribs, were not crafted out of hate. They were a confession.
I cannot learn from you anymore.
I’m not moved by your words anymore.
Your little quirks that I thought were adorable just strike me as odd.
Those three phrases lingered a lot longer than I like to admit. I know they weren’t intended to hurt. It doesn’t change how it felt to hear them.
We are all eggshells with sledgehammers. We can get smashed so hard that we lash out, and our hearts retreat so far away we’d rather die than let anybody see us as walking wounded.
I still have knowledge to share, if anyone’s willing to learn. Walking wounded or not.
Enough. Back to school work.
Strides
I spent this friday maximizing the beautiful day learning how to create SqlCe databases programmatically, and it was quite the buzzer beater.
But earlier in this week, I had one of those great encounters where what I’ve nicknamed “The Marly Effect” came into play.
The Marly Effect is quite simply described as this: Despite an “event” such as dinner or a movie being “over”, neither one of you wants to call it a night. So instead, you both are just open the possibilities of wandering around and finding something cool. I view that as a sign when someone who’s swamped finds the time to drop everything and when they do, they don’t want to leave... and life just brings interesting events into your path. It makes for great scenery, but what you’re both really enjoying is the company during the adventure.
In the spirit of finding what else I might be good at if I just give it a go, I have every intention of going to Pittsburgh tomorrow after the monthly half-day retreat with my Buddhist group and buying a MIDI enabled Keyboard and some studio headphones. Not only will I be teaching myself Piano, I’ll probably be trying to get back into making (and posting) electronic music. I think it’ll be a good investment considering the summer most everyone I know will be gone or busy. Having habits/hobbys where I can grow without depending on someone else is probably a good thing to have, and prudent planning on my part.
I confronted a friend I hadn’t seen a while about their distance. They told me they were having some issues with behaviors of mine that had cropped up lately. Knowing this person and their ability for understatement, I knew this meant I had probably crossed a line during my hidenburg incidence and they took the brunt of it. At least we both still care and we’re going to talk it out when they’re ready. I’m thankful for the mindfulness of that.
Still no defense date set, but all my other graduation will paperwork will be taken care of by this monday.
And this summer means Whitewater Rafting season is almost upon me. I should plan a trip or two sometime soon.
Rise Against -- Survive
Everytime Rise Against Comes on my iPod, I ask myself, “Who *IS* this group?”
But this track always gets me pumped, even when i’m just sitting at my desk fixing bugs.
Weekend and Thoughts
This weekend I went snowboarding with my good friend, Brian. It was raining. It was icy. The slush quickly soaked our gloves, penetrated our waterproof suits, and went through every layer of clothing we had.
We didn't care. We had 3-4 feet of snow and a mountain practically all to ourselves.
And it was great. Just Incredible. Despite it being some of the worst weather I've willingly endured, ever, I was not cold. I was not soaked.
I was too busy being a kid in a candy store.
We really "leveled up" this time. Falling while going down a trail isn't something that really happens anymore. We can read the land around us. We can adjust our speed to suit our mood. We can carve without fear of a sharp toeside turn. Other skiers or boarders on the trail don't freak us out, we merely pass by them as quickly as possible, flashing them a thumbs up.
We felt free. It feels kind of like you're soaring. I didn't care that I had to wipe my goggles off every few minutes. Or that my beard was a much-appreciated face warmer. I didn't even freak out by the hanging sensation you get when the ski lift stops and you're just suspended 20 feet up in the air, swinging from side to side.
I was without anxiety or stress. It was like a mini-vacation. I just felt free and at peace with everything around me.
Brian summed it up perfectly, so I'll quote him: "This is pretty much the most fun I've ever had. This was such a good investment.”
In two weeks, the lift tickets are half off as the season winds down. I can't wait to get a few more runs in before putting the board away. And I definitely have a new idea on how to spend my 29th in October. If the weather plays fair, I and a few close friends might grab a cabin at a ski resort and just snowboard and party a weekend away.
Going from terrible to decent in three weekends on a snowboard -- to the point now where I can find my center of gravity and shift it with such subtlety I wouldn’t have believed I possessed -- has got me wondering what else I could still be good at if I just sucked it up and gave it a shot. I want to explore my passions.
Between Spin Class, Snowboarding, and playing some much-needed Wii Boxing, my arms hurt. But i'm looking forward to punishing my body some more and hopefully landing in better shape.
Between snowboarding and going out to the clubs, I realized that I really am free of all constraints in the next 5 months. Aside from all the planning I have to do for school, my career, and where I'm going to live or who I'm going to live with, I can essentially live as a lark. I can come and go as I please.
Every day is a new chance to invent a better tomorrow for myself and the people in my life who I love.
Like my Buddhist book intones, I can look in the mirror and ask, "Who am I" and answer the question differently as it suits my mood.
I’ve always been told I make a great Clark Kent, I just never thought I'd actually have a superpower. But I have one, and its to just let it all go, and embrace the moment. Enjoy and Suffer them with both delight and sorrow, for after the moment is only memory, and it is a poor companion.
It’s never too late to discover more of yourself.
I’ve often said to friends, “Those who make up for lost living, end up living lost." I’ve come across a new gem that I hope will be equally catchy: “Closing your mind off to the world hurts the world. Closing your heart off hurts yourself."
Gah. Its late. Enough pretentious stream of consciousness. Its time for lights out so my little marmalade can claw at me.
Risk
There’s always a risk to admitting you care about something or someone.
Because its up to that other person or thing to make it matter back.
Rob McElhenney Thinks and Doesn't Smoke
Also, for those of us who actually saw this on TV, you had to wonder, “Why is this kid so pissed off? Why’s he trying to act so tough.”
Because he’s Mac.
Gets me everytime
Don’t you draw the Queen of Diamonds, boy...you know the Queen of Hearts is your best bet.
It gets me everytime.
A friend of mine sings it every week at Karaoke for me. He’s started referring to it as “my song”.
Good times.
Don Draper's Letter to Betty
Here is the text of the letter:
Dear Betty, I'm sitting in the Roosevelt looking at the backs of Bobby and Sally's heads as they watch TV. I'm not letting them change the channel because watching the news makes me sick and they can see it. I think about you and how I behaved and my regret. I know it's my fault that you are not here right now. I think about tomorrow where you'll be and the day after that as well. I understand why you feel it's better to go on without me and I know that you won't be alone for very long but without you I'll be alone forever. I love you. Don
My Character Sketch
I’ve weathered a terrible storm, and while I stand in the eye of the hurricane, I look around at all the destruction and do my best to take it all in stride.
One of the buddhist mentors I’ve read suggests that at the start of each day, while gazing upon yourself in the mirror, ask yourself the question, “Who am I?”
This blurb will attempt to answer that. It will fail, as all humans instinctually conceal our truest motivations and intentions, but this post, and all those that follow, will be an effort in letting pulling back the curtain--revealing that I am not the wizard I’m believed to be and try to show me for what I am. Me.
I am in transition. The next six months of my life will revolve around planning, searching, and executing. On top of it all, I’m going to try to have as much fun as possible with those lucky enough to share their life with me. Trips. Concerts. Late night 4am phone calls from San Francisco best friends helping me keep it all together.
I’m trying to do something I cannot imagine. I am trying to create for myself a life where I am happier than I was on December 12th, 2009. I have little idea on how to do this, but even the longest journey begins with a single footstep. Here is where I will chronicle mine..
So to answer the question who am i...
- I’m messy.
- I’m witty after coffee.
- I’m considered remarkably smart. I hate hearing how “intellectual” I am.
- I work with computers, sometimes I love it, sometimes I dread it.
- I’m a published amateur poet
- I love swing dance, I’m learning latin dance, and I even want to try my hand at ballroom dance.
- I’m somewhat of a low-grade amateur adrenaline junkie. I snowboard, I plan on sky diving, and I can see a motorcycle not too far off in my future.
- I’m a born-and-raised atheist who had a spiritual awakening August 2009, and I’m studying Zen Buddhism in my free time.
- I’m a romantic/idealist at heart
- I love to read and love others who share the same passion.
- I can’t sing to save my life, but you’ll find me caterwauling on Karaoke night.
- Sketch Comedy is one of my favorite forms of Comedy, even more than Stand Up Comedy.
- I drink socially.
- I’m quitting smoking.
- I believe in saying you’re sorry.
- I believe in second chances.
- I hate people who flake.
- I hate those who self-sabotage.
- I despite small-minded or selfish people.
- I pity those who skirt by on their looks.
- I aim to be mindful of others.
- I have a big heart, but its guarded.
- I can talk politics with you all night if you’ve got the time to waste.
This me. Old me and New me, one and the same -- but different. Where I go from here, who I become, what I do -- that’s all part of the story. It’s a work in progress. And this spot, this weblog, will be where you can find the highlights.