LADY CHILTERN Don't come near me. Don't touch me. I feel as if you had soiled me for ever. Oh! what a mask you have been wearing all these years! A horrible painted mask! You sold yourself for money. Oh! a common thief were better. You put yourself up to sale to the highest bidder! You were bought in the market. You lied to the whole world. And yet you will not lie to me.

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. [Rushing towards her.] Gertrude! Gertrude!

LADY CHILTERN. [Thrusting him back with outstretched hands.] No, don't speak! Say nothing! Your voice wakes terrible memories - memories of things that made me love you - memories of words that made me love you - memories that now are horrible to me. And how I worshipped you! You were to me something apart from common life, a thing pure, noble, honest, without stain. The world seemed to me finer because you were in it, and goodness more real because you lived. And now - oh, when I think that I made of a man like you my ideal! the ideal of my life!

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. There was your mistake. There was your error. The error all women commit. Why can't you women love us, faults and all? Why do you place us on monstrous pedestals? We have all feet of clay, women as well as men; but when we men love women, we love them knowing their weaknesses, their follies, their imperfections, love them all the more, it may be, for that reason. It is not the perfect, but the imperfect, who have need of love. It is when we are wounded by our own hands, or by the hands of others, that love should come to cure us - else what use is love at all? All sins, except a sin against itself, Love should forgive. All lives, save loveless lives, true Love should pardon. A man's love is like that. It is wider, larger, more human than a woman's. Women think that they are making ideals of men. What they are making of us are false idols merely. You made your false idol of me, and I had not the courage to come down, show you my wounds, tell you my weaknesses. I was afraid that I might lose your love, as I have lost it now. And so, last night you ruined my life for me - yes, ruined it! What this woman asked of me was nothing compared to what she offered to me. She offered security, peace, stability. The sin of my youth, that I had thought was buried, rose up in front of me, hideous, horrible, with its hands at my throat. I could have killed it for ever, sent it back into its tomb, destroyed its record, burned the one witness against me. You prevented me. No one but you, you know it. And now what is there before me but public disgrace, ruin, terrible shame, the mockery of the world, a lonely dishonoured life, a lonely dishonoured death, it may be, some day? Let women make no more ideals of men! let them not put them on alters and bow before them, or they may ruin other lives as completely as you - you whom I have so wildly loved - have ruined mine!

This was my fall-back choice after I found out that you can't become a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

2. What was the most embarrassed moment in your life:

I won't post the MOST embarrassing moment. But I will post about when I woke up after my 21st bday, in the UMPC Presby ER, shirtless. Digging a sweatshirt out of the lost and found before the walk of shame down the street to my dorm room pretty much takes the cake.

3. Wildest Place You've ever done it:

Let’s say "Hot Tub”.

4. What have you always wanted, but haven't gotten to do yet:

1. Vacation for more than a week at a time. (The old-fashioned two week vacation or honeymoon).


2. Travel outside of North America.


3. Own a car with Turbo.

5. What's one thing you're physically scared of:

Heights. Roller coasters. Things that go fast. (However, I have always fought/challenged these fears, through rock climbing, going to amusement parks, and recently sky diving.) MRI machines get my Irish up.

6. What do you love about a girl first:

Smiles. Eyes Lit Up. Laughter. Occasionally a razor sharp cleft chin.

7. Would you ever go to a nude beach?

Yup.

8. What's the one thing you can't live without?

Books. Runners up: A Gym or exercise, and music.

9. Favorite Place to be kissed:

There’s a spot on the base of my neck that if its kissed the right way shoots electricity up and down my spine.

10. What is your #1 dealbreaker?

Dogmatic beliefs, especially in American exceptional-ism. (E.g "my mom/dad/parents had a good life, and I never saw them work hard growing up, why should I have to work hard to have a good life for myself and my family?"). To me it signals both a lack of intellectual curiosity and lack of work ethic. Stand Up Comedian Astronaut / Ninja Turtle Chris Wilson worked to get where he is at.
If you haven't figured out that the world does not dispense hand-outs and people have to actually take risks to follow their dreams, I will likely not convince you of it. Please run off and become one of Glenn Beck's extra wives.

11. Have you ever won anything?

I was a 1st prize winner in the Nickelodeon Dial-A-Slime content. I won a Sega Genesis and a copy of Sonic The Hedgehog. I was so excited I think I had to run around my house 3 times just to calm myself down. It was totally awesome.

12. If you had more time you would...

Spend it making music. Or learning another language.

13. When you're down you ...

Napsturbate! Just kidding. I sleep or veg out to MST3K on Netflix.

14. If you could change one thing about you...

I’d learn not to talk so much. I always have to re-program people around to understand the metaphors I use. I babble so much I have my own dialect of English. (Example: "Sad Panda”)

15. Books you would recommend:

"They'd Rather be Right", a book written in the 1950s that predicted how the media could manipulate and scandalize people in the future (like we saw in the 90s, or with "Joe the Plumber" and "death panels" and "anchor babies") and how large groups of people fail to act any smarter than the mob because of the positive reinforcement of social proof and talking head outrage. And how the little web of biases, big and small effect our worldview both positively and negatively. How so many people would cling to their ideological convictions and "stay right" rather than receive the gifts of immortality and lucidity. It hints that doubt, skepticism, and questioning our own beliefs is the only truth you can rely on.

"The Diamond Age". A opus on how ubiquitous nanotechnology will change everything about our way of life. From the clothing we wear, to how goods are designed and manufactured, to how much computing power we can put in a small space, to how we recycle goods. It follows the life of a young plebeian girl who comes across a magical book that has been designed to help little girls realize they are actually princesses. It educates her in everything a young woman should know -- how to read, write, speak, defend oneself, program, lead, love, who not to trust. The princess then sets out to find her real mother. You think you're reading science fiction, but you later realize you're reading a fairy tale. It's like a book within a book within a book.

16. What do you miss the most now that you've moved?

Duh! Jimmy Johns! It's rumored there's one in Vienna, but that's a 10-20 minute drive for a sub. Potbellies tries to be Jimmy Johns, but its not the same. The bread isn't "French" enough.

17. What do you spend a lot of time thinking about?

My new responsibilities. Making sure I "get" the people I work with, and I'm not missing any "warning signs" aside from the obvious ones about my project. The amount of work its going to take to fix the things that are broken, and the tremendous deadline pressure. It's a death march. Also, Gay and Animal Rights.
And Halo: Reach.

18. This is boring. Tell me something else embarrassing.

I stripped for my friend Ashley's 18th birthday in High School. All pictures taken at the even were destroyed. As were the cameras. And people's memories.

19. What's in your fridge right now?

Yogurt, Juice, Veggie Burgers and Veggie Polish Sausage, Frozen Fish, Fruit, and some spinach.

20. What's the funniest thing your animal does?

I started fostering an animal so she'd have a friend and cry less, but now she cries more than ever.

"There was no reason to meet your idiocy with my own, even though you are a fucking moron.”

But the night still ended badly: KD was visibly upset, the night was cut short, her friends left thinking I was an asshole like all of her other boytoys and likely never to be seen again. A rapid exchange of text messages that did nothing to assuage one another's concerns.

I confess that I have recently learned that you can't choose to be hurt, but you can choose to be angry. I knew I was hurt, but I also felt I was going to bed angry.

I woke to a text asking where we go from here. I asked for most of the day to blow off steam. I went to work. I worked out. I played a board game with friends.

We talked. I was calm and rational. Having been given the time off that I was asked for, I stated case without any drama. No emotional appeals, no ultimatums, not even raising my voice. Just reason.

In those angry moments, I calmed myself by re-reading the note she left in my graduation card.
"I am proud of you, and I always want what's best for you. I don't want you to leave, but I understand why you have to go." I want the best for her, too. I want her to be happy. That is the question, the koan, and the mantra.

In the end, we were both glad to have gotten "the first fight" out of the way. We used our words, we talked it out like adults are supposed to. We saw each others side, we apologized, and most importantly, we let things go because neither of us wanted this to be a sticking point in a good thing we have going.

Relationships are ships that never know how deep the waters run until they've run aground on a reef. The only way to really find out if the two of you can navigate those waters -- is to navigate them. Like in Buddhism, the dharma (path) is not about the destination, but about the journey. I'm glad that between the two of us, we didn't lose sight of this.

My cat Kara is one today.

She was originally a birthday present. And she really is the best gift a guy could have gotten.

She was a mountain cat, the runt of a litter of outside only cats that were never given shots, never spayed, never let in on a cold winter night.

The thing I love about her so much is her love for me. Whenever I’m around, she feels the need to be with me. She follows me from room to room. She sleeps in places where I can put an around on her head and pet her while we drift off to sleep together. When I ignore her to do schoolwork or play video games or code, she finds ways to make me pay attention to her. She’ll colonize my lap while I watch netflix.

Today, the 14th of July, the month of her original birth, is the day I’ve chosen to celebrate her birthday.

For the longest time, this is the first pet I will not lose in a break-up. I won’t let a fragment of a sandal she chewed on take her. She won’t be one of the cats we give away to live on a farm. She is my cat, and I will love her to her dying day, and maybe even mine.

Okay, enough blogging about cats. But today is a day where no cheezburger is safe. She can haz them all.

Edit: Okay, I thought I’d include some images so here they are:

I’m back.

It’s been forever since I’ve updated my blog. When I run silent this long, it means one of two things: Good stuff is happening and I don’t want to jinx it, or Bad Stuff is happening and I don’t want to talk about it.

So what is the deal this time?

Mostly good stuff. Allow me to summarize:

The Good:
• I’ve graduated WVU with a Master’s in Computer Science.
• I’m looking for a new position in my company that is a better match. In D.C.
• I’m traveling more. Outer Banks, Antigua, Florida, and hopefully California.
• I’ve lost weight, despite developing an addiction to Wendy’s “Twisted Frosty”.
• I’m mediating twice a day 5 days a week as part of a program being run in my Sangha.
• I’m getting a motorcycle.
• Mandi and I are close again. There was a period where we had ‘squared off’ and it was just a stand off. Neither one of us would admit the other wanted to hang out or whatever. Then her computer broke down. We patched things up, fixed up the iMac, and we’re back on track to being close friends.

The Bad:
• It’s my last summer in Morgantown.
• I’m cutting some people out of my life that have demonstrated how little I am valued. Some are being purged while I’m still in residence. Others will be purged once I leave -- the natural clean break. I hate being that cold and calculating, but its one of those “will i ever see this person again? will I really care how they turn out? No? Okay then.”
• I really care about someone -- but I can’t tell her how much I care -- the word I’m looking for is one I just can’t say right now. The word I’m looking for was polluted in my last “serious” relationship. So I just do what I can with the time I have left and hope for the best.
• My car was broken into -- someone stole my radar detector.
• My dream camera’s screen damage is getting worse and the battery might not be holding charge as well as I’d hope.

There will be more later -- Mandi is encouraged me to start updating my blog now that I’m using my “The Watchmen” Journal to journal my meditation and happiness. The person who gave it to me was very thoughtful, and I am happy to have found a use for it. It’s a pity she won’t read this.

Adios, Space Cowboys.

The first week has been full of surprises. First, in a way of demonstrating that she is aware of my blog posts, she planted a flag, and by that I mean she bought herself a toothbrush and it resides in my bathroom. Second, I’ve learned to appreciate the stealth value of tactical sweatpants. Third, she gets along great with friends and gets cheesy asian horror movies. Fourth, at one point when she had left me alone with friends, I inhaled and realized the shirt had been wearing smelled like her. She smells good. I’m making note of it because I don’t think I’ve ever recognized someone’s scent like that. So there’s been a lot of surprises in the past week. Most of them good. The only bad was is my research paper is behind schedule and not going well. Here’s hoping I can meet with my prof today and straighten it out.

Seriously, is there an unwritten law that states at one point or another you have to accept you will grow apart, and if you're lucky the two of you will find your way back to one another?

Almost. It is absolutely guaranteed that you will grow apart - in a long-term marriage, multiple times - and if you are genuinely committed to the marriage and willing to work hard, you can find your back to each other. If you'll recall my homily from Brian and Missy's wedding: There will come a day when, not only does it feel like going your separate ways is the best thing for both of you, it actually objectively is the best thing. Staying married means staying anyway when that day comes.It’s good advice to hear. I’ve been in that situation and felt that carrying on despite the odds was better. Now I feel better about one of the things I want to do later in life, and now I believe (once again) that I have what it takes.

Universal Truth #51

Chris #1

Julie #4

This weekend I went snowboarding with my good friend, Brian. It was raining. It was icy. The slush quickly soaked our gloves, penetrated our waterproof suits, and went through every layer of clothing we had.

We didn't care. We had 3-4 feet of snow and a mountain practically all to ourselves.

And it was great. Just Incredible. Despite it being some of the worst weather I've willingly endured, ever, I was not cold. I was not soaked.

I was too busy being a kid in a candy store.

We really "leveled up" this time. Falling while going down a trail isn't something that really happens anymore. We can read the land around us. We can adjust our speed to suit our mood. We can carve without fear of a sharp toeside turn. Other skiers or boarders on the trail don't freak us out, we merely pass by them as quickly as possible, flashing them a thumbs up.

We felt free. It feels kind of like you're soaring. I didn't care that I had to wipe my goggles off every few minutes. Or that my beard was a much-appreciated face warmer. I didn't even freak out by the hanging sensation you get when the ski lift stops and you're just suspended 20 feet up in the air, swinging from side to side.

I was without anxiety or stress. It was like a mini-vacation. I just felt free and at peace with everything around me.

Brian summed it up perfectly, so I'll quote him: "This is pretty much the most fun I've ever had. This was such a good investment.”

In two weeks, the lift tickets are half off as the season winds down. I can't wait to get a few more runs in before putting the board away. And I definitely have a new idea on how to spend my 29th in October. If the weather plays fair, I and a few close friends might grab a cabin at a ski resort and just snowboard and party a weekend away.

Going from terrible to decent in three weekends on a snowboard -- to the point now where I can find my center of gravity and shift it with such subtlety I wouldn’t have believed I possessed -- has got me wondering what else I could still be good at if I just sucked it up and gave it a shot. I want to explore my passions.

Between Spin Class, Snowboarding, and playing some much-needed Wii Boxing, my arms hurt. But i'm looking forward to punishing my body some more and hopefully landing in better shape.

Between snowboarding and going out to the clubs, I realized that I really am free of all constraints in the next 5 months. Aside from all the planning I have to do for school, my career, and where I'm going to live or who I'm going to live with, I can essentially live as a lark. I can come and go as I please.

Every day is a new chance to invent a better tomorrow for myself and the people in my life who I love.

Like my Buddhist book intones, I can look in the mirror and ask, "Who am I" and answer the question differently as it suits my mood.

I’ve always been told I make a great Clark Kent, I just never thought I'd actually have a superpower. But I have one, and its to just let it all go, and embrace the moment. Enjoy and Suffer them with both delight and sorrow, for after the moment is only memory, and it is a poor companion.

It’s never too late to discover more of yourself.

I’ve often said to friends, “Those who make up for lost living, end up living lost." I’ve come across a new gem that I hope will be equally catchy: “Closing your mind off to the world hurts the world. Closing your heart off hurts yourself."

Gah. Its late. Enough pretentious stream of consciousness. Its time for lights out so my little marmalade can claw at me.

Dear Betty, I'm sitting in the Roosevelt looking at the backs of Bobby and Sally's heads as they watch TV. I'm not letting them change the channel because watching the news makes me sick and they can see it. I think about you and how I behaved and my regret. I know it's my fault that you are not here right now. I think about tomorrow where you'll be and the day after that as well. I understand why you feel it's better to go on without me and I know that you won't be alone for very long but without you I'll be alone forever. I love you. Don

• I’m messy.
• I’m witty after coffee.
• I’m considered remarkably smart. I hate hearing how “intellectual” I am.
• I work with computers, sometimes I love it, sometimes I dread it.
• I’m a published amateur poet
• I love swing dance, I’m learning latin dance, and I even want to try my hand at ballroom dance.
• I’m somewhat of a low-grade amateur adrenaline junkie. I snowboard, I plan on sky diving, and I can see a motorcycle not too far off in my future.
• I’m a born-and-raised atheist who had a spiritual awakening August 2009, and I’m studying Zen Buddhism in my free time.
• I’m a romantic/idealist at heart
• I love to read and love others who share the same passion.
• I can’t sing to save my life, but you’ll find me caterwauling on Karaoke night.
• Sketch Comedy is one of my favorite forms of Comedy, even more than Stand Up Comedy.
• I drink socially.
• I’m quitting smoking.
• I believe in saying you’re sorry.
• I believe in second chances.
• I hate people who flake.
• I hate those who self-sabotage.
• I despite small-minded or selfish people.
• I pity those who skirt by on their looks.
• I aim to be mindful of others.
• I have a big heart, but its guarded.
• I can talk politics with you all night if you’ve got the time to waste.