The Robot's Thoughts

Today was the toughest day I've ever had for keeping thoughts out of my head.

Maybe its the lack of sleep that I've gotten all week.

Maybe its the fact that I'm actually feeling like a part of the team at work and I have work to do. Like I'm a part of something again.

Maybe its the 1:45am phone call I got from a friend last night, on the verge tears. Sleep doesn't matter compared to old friend's troubles.

So my mind was everywhere today. I couldn't focus. It was frustrating. I even asked for help from the group after I felt I had wasted my hour in nature.

Their advice was simple:
1) This is part of the process. It was a busy day.
2) The two things you develop in meditation, awareness of what your mind does, and
focus. When you lose focus, at least be aware of it. Find your breathe. Sometimes you can't be one with the universe. Sometimes you can only be one with your breathe.
3) Mediate more. Even 5 minutes at work. As it becomes part of your daily life,

I didn't go out to Karaoke tonight. I'm helping a friend take her mind off somethings, and I'm doing laundry and finding my breathe. Tomorrow I'm going to meditate, and maybe if I'm feeling up to it, I might ask someone to walk with me through WVU's arboretum. But right now I long for solitude. Silence. Stillness.

6am wake up call. I'm surprised I'm even still awake. I took 4 capsules of valarian root, and joined my friend for a Cosmo. She's going to stay up on watch Bill Marhar on Demand while I retire once this final load of laundry is done.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, ramblings, thoughts

So my sister is doing a print for a Chesapeake Bay/Susquehanna River themed exhibition. She asked me to write a "zen poem" regarding the Susquehanna river, which ran through our town. She said she would use part or all of it in her print.

So this is something I whipped up -- using all three weeks of my zen mastery.
(Feel free to be critical of this. I'm hoping this showing up in facebook would get some of the more useless liberal arts majors to workshop my work. The gauntlet has been thrown down)

I am a stone in the riverbed,
water washing over me.
Polishing my rough edges
until I am nothing but sand.

I am a tadpole hatched in the river.
I swim against the current.
Anxiously awaiting the day,
I can drift merrily on a lily pad.

I am the current in the stream,
I guide without leading.
I know my destination,
But not the path I follow.

I am the island in the river,
current sweeping my muddy shore.
I play host to trees, frogs, and birds.
Isolated; alone but never lonely.

I am the Endless Mountain Range,
Eternal, Immovable, and unchanging in time.
Never have I felt the sun rise,
without your water flowing around me.

I am the Chesapeake Bay Wind,
I carry the river's scent to all creatures.
May they feel my gentle presence, and
Let it bring harmony to their spirit.

I am a wandering bird,
adrift in the wind.
Right where I need to be,
wings spread to soar.

I am a cloud high above the river.
I appear as quickly as I vanish.
My teardrops nourish all below.
Lasting joy in a fleeting existance.

So yeah. Get in touch with me if you have recommendations to make this suck less.

Labels: family, personal, poems, ramblings

Goals Accomplished This Past Week:

1. All work tasks accomplished by the end of the week.
2. Birthday Venue Booked for October 16th.
3. Three Day Weekend Spent with Sara Beth.
4. "The Nightman Cometh" Live tickets purchased for myself, Ron, and Erin.

Goals To Accomplish This Coming Week:

1. Find a Junkyard that will pay me what I want for my car.
2. Place all my books/dvds that aren't "life essential" up for sale on Amazon.com.
3. Get my Passport photos taken.
4. Talk to Ron about incorporating Creatine into our workout routine.
5. Get my course registration form signed by my adviser and register for classes.

I have one full physical year left of grad school. I can graduate in spring 2010 if I take 9 credits. Or, its possible I might be conduct my final classes through WVU's e-campus software.

This means I can transfer out to my company's Virginia branch as early as March/May next year.

And then after my year of working to pay my company back, I will be 29. I will be out of debt (except for my car, which will be 75+% paid off). Then I'm going to do something based off a discussion I had with fellow Zen practitioners after walking meditation. I'm going to join an organization like the Peace Corp. Or AmeriCorp. Or possibly something that might take me outside the U.S. We as a society praise celebrities like Michael Jackson, but real heros are people who volunteer to help build wells, treat malaria, etc. Humanitarians are "real heros", as the speaker put it. To do good for another human being is praiseworthy.

I have time to research it. But its something I've wanted to do since I was 18, but I've always had to push back. The grants I was relying on to pay for college would expire when I turned 22. Needing to support family or get out of debt. Seriously romantically engaged with someone.

There's really no time like the present.

Labels: blogging, late night thoughts, life is short, personal, thoughts

Here's the link  (if it wants a username and password, use metafilter46/metafilter) to a NYTimes.com article by David Finch regarding how his marriage was on the rocks until he and his wife confronted the fact that he has Asperger's Syndrome, a autism spectrum disorder where people are "odd" or "neurotic" and high functioning.

It goes on to describe how he was able to "fake" being normal until they started living together and more and more time was spent. His wife, who worked with Autistic children, because to notice that he was "a bit off" socially and had repetitive behaviors. And that trying to talk to him about it drove him away. He shut down when confronted by it. But she worked at it, and so did he, and while not out of the woods yet, their marriage is saved and they're able to communicate. A good, short read.

It always brings to mine a close friend of mine that's always had problems outside of "functional" groups, or places where there's an "easy to feel" hierarchy. He took the Asperger's Quotient test and scored a 28. A 32 or higher is considered "seek out a professional for a real diagnosis". Its important to note that many people with A.S. lead normal, functioning lives. But others have problems building lasting relationships. I often wonder if the same techniques people are developing to teach compassion and empathy to those who only point of reference is themselves could help me navigate obstacles in my own journey inward.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, ramblings

I have a nervous, chatty energy about me tonight. So I'm going to ramble. And if you're reading this, you're going to do your best to follow. There is naughty language and narcissism ahead, so tread lightly. 

Something has changed. I feel like a blockage has been cleared. I don't know where it's coming from, but I've found a wellspring of strength, energy, and determination this weekend. Tomorrow is monday, and for all I know the monotony of fixing bugs will pound me into the ground.

But tonight my mind and body race and I sing along to the songs that set my heart afire. (Currently Peace, Pain and Regret by The Anniversary off their second album, "Your Majesty").

When I first moved to Fairmont, WV, to take on a contract job, hopefully a permanent hire, I knew no one. Lack of a social life led me to construct goals. As cliche as it sounds, it was a purpose driven life. But even then, something was missing. A connection. A tribe. Kindred spirits to watch the dawn with; old souls that can feel the pain in my voice when it hurts, and laugh it off like we both knew a real moment of emotional truth couldn't fade so long as we remember. Life was this orderly training schedule of work, training the body, and training the mind. Search for meaning. Its stupid, but I likened all the preparation to becoming some kind of whiz kid: a console cowboy, a code samuarai. Stop laughing already.

Its not like I ever put "I'm the guy who gets things done" on a cover letter. But I know a guy who tried it once.

See what I mean about rambling?

In this period, I felt like I was drilling myself for bigger and better. Like I shaping myself now so the man I will be could, I dunno, amount to something. Distinguish himself. I strove to master my little realm of the universe, so that someday I might actually be the captain of the ship; the man who sets his own destiny.

A person capable of truly delighting and completing another. The treasure chest someone's too happy about to keep secret.

Well, seriously, fuck that. Not in a teenage angsty fuck that. Not in a post-college-radio-DJ fuck that. Not in the dejected, socially awkward geek that's out of the guild fuck that.

Just, Fuck that, in the sense of not judging myself on these invisible standards I hold myself to that I don't talk about with others. That's a blockage to transformation. And what I very much want to transform myself.

I'm not sure what the end product is going to be this time. Let's assume I'm starting with gigantic balls (metaphorically speaking) and keeping the big mouth. Add a bit more dash more heart and a willingness to befriend a stranger. Throw in a little more jokester (and a lot less braggart) and a little less of a drinker. Most importantly, push forwards a desire to listen, and a love of learning and life.

Not all mistakes are regrets. If I died tonight, it'd be with a smile on my face.

I don't want to be a samurai anymore. They have feudal lords. Kings and Queens, so to speak.
I am without a master greater than myself. No one "depends" on me. I am Ronin.
Ronin are samurai who've gone rogue. They're like Pirate Samurai. And they're still totally badass at killing ninjas.

That was my late night attempt at humor right there. Next up, Charlie Day will lead a pep rally cheer as Green Man.

So in terms of transformations, mine has a great emotional start. Externally I've only made minor tweaks right now. I'm going to rattle them off.

I'm joining a gym that reminds me very much of Finetics in Fairmont, WV. That's where I first got so "bulky" (as I was recently referred to) that I don't even get recognized by people who went to High School with. I'm very much loving my exercise highs. And considering I tend to "extra bulk" up something like 15 pounds in a semester, and only lose 10 or so over summer breaks, I'm taking the time to really trim down and enjoy healthy living. I weighed 193 lbs. with workout clothes and shoes on last monday. We will see what I weigh on the start of week two, tomorrow.

I've started feeding a stray cat here at West Run. It's an all black kitten maybe 1 year old. Its obviously been abandoned by some irresponsible college kid. I'm putting out food and water for it daily. Eventually, as it canvasses West Run, it will realize there's always fresh food and water near my building. The two times I've seen the cat, its proved to be remarkably people friendly. It lets me get within 2 feet or so. Maybe, and this is a big maybe, I can take it in. Taking in strays just seems to be something I do. I'm not just referring to cats here, either.

I ran into Blair and we buried the hatchet. She's engaged, to be married next October. Seems like a good guy, too. Looks like the point I was trying to make back in 2007 made an impact. Also, the breast reduction and hair color change made it so I didn't even recognize her. The first minute of the conversation I thought I was just getting my ass grabbed by a crying burnette begging me to meet her fiance.

I decided I'm going to void my manufacturer's warranty and go ahead with the tattoo(s) I've wanted for some time. My family's creed, in latin, across my shoulders. I also want the shield of Athena tattoed on a shoulder. She was the goddess of Metis. Metis meant craft. Craft, today, would mean technology.

I found a Zen Buddhist group here in Morgantown. I will be attending their meditation sessions every Wednesday after work. I am also considering joining one of two churches. One is the non-denominational (Unitarian Universalists) Church where the meditation sessions will be held. The other is St. Paul's Lutheran Church. I am on the fence about this. I feel a man of reason such as myself cannot have his faith restored. Paying lip service, or blindly believing seems even a worse offense than simple, inoffensive non-belief. Its not a good idea for previously militant atheists to cross into the demilitarized zone of agnosticism, but maybe my stubbornness is another blockage to transformation into being who I really want to be. Who I need to be.

I danced all night till the clubs closed down. My friends left me, because I was having too good a time. I let them laugh at me. I got her number. "Whatever, I'm Single. I do what I want" is apparently a viable excuse (for now) for me to ditch my friends on the weekends.

I decided I'm going to attempt to skydive before my next birthday. Like getting a tattoo, this is just me following an impulse. But how can you say no to 15,000 feet in 60 seconds? I hope it will be a moment you just "live in" because time for you is slowing down.

I massively cleaned my apartment. I normally do this immediately after visiting my parents, as their clutter reminds me of my disarray. I knew it was needed -- long time coming -- but this time it has taken on a determination and life of its own. I scrubbed my bathroom floor tile by hand. I scrubbed soap scum off the walls vigorously. I washed and folded all my laundry. I packed up goodwill bags with ruthless intent. Cleaned the inside of drawers.

I hung photos that I printed out months ago. Pictures of Erin, JoniSue, and myself clubbing in Pittsburgh. Pictures of Jen in her Halloween Costume. Past New Years kisses. Danielle's reaction to me buying her an iPod Nano as a combined graduation/Christmas present. The kittens, back when they were small enough I could put them in the wok and pretend I was going to make "General Tso's Kitten Delicious" (Note: They weren't happy in the wok, and they look slightly peeved in the photos).

I helped a stranger who's car had broken down get home to her boyfriend. Wichita High School sweethearts, just like my parents were. 

I got my grad student plan of study signed by my last committee member. I can now be switched over from "Provisional Grad Student" to "Part Time Grad Student" as I approach the final three semesters of classes. Its a good thing I'm not responsible for making the trains run on time.

I finished the 700+ tomb of masterpiece that is the latest "Honorverse" Novel by David Weber, "Storm From The Shadows". Fucking cliff hanger ending. Also nearing completion on World War Z by Max Brooks.

I got Jimmy Johns with an old friend, and walked around Morgantown as we talked. For an hour.

I refriended an old friend, a fraternity brother who drifted out a long time ago back when TEP was respectable.

I told everyone the hilarious story of my worst first date ever from back in 2007. I've posted it on here once previously, but I need to re-tell it. Later.

And I sleep, perchance to dream.

Labels: late night thoughts, love, personal, ramblings

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must--but never quit.

Life is queer, with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won if he'd stuck it out;
Stick to your task, though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with one more blow.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt--
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that YOU MUSTN'T QUIT.

--Author Unknown.

And one more: Its called "Charity"

There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it ill behooves any of us
To find fault with the rest of us.

--Author Unknown.

So I got dumped. By someone I deeply cared for. Its too soon to know how bad this is going to feel. That always depends on how the various coping mechanisms work. I'm not very confident, as last time I was left, I only seemed to sink further down the drain. So above are two (separate) author unknown poems I'm reading to comfort myself.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, poems, ramblings

A brief personal update on how my accidental "three day weekend" went down.

Be warned, this will be long.

First, this was my first time visiting my friends Chuck and Linda since they got married. I've noticed a slight change in Chuck's behavior since the wedding. I would never tell him to his face that he's gotten crankier in any way, but allow me to explain to everyone on the internets: Chuck is allowed to spill things on the carpet, and Linda got to clean it up. In other words, Chuck's marriage is AWESOME. Someone should've told me that was part of getting marriage: You can blame your messes on your spouse. That's an often neglected perk. But for slobs like myself, that's the killer app.


Second, I made sure to stop by and see my old friend Sara Beth. Because she failed to parallel park, she could not driver herself to the south side. So she brought my old friend Lydia, whom I haven't seen in almost ten years. Well, more like eight, but it was still good to see her. Meghan came with and we all had drinks in the south side.


Good times were had by all.

Next, I learned the Sushi place I had "VIP" access to in the south side (when I lived in the south side four years ago) is now where Malkin takes his family out to eat. Yes, Malkin as in "It has big taste" Stanley-Cup-MVP Malkin. Cool.

And as a result, the place is crazy over-booked and you can't get a table. So we went to the Hibachi place in the waterfront, and the service was awful. I think its the first time in recent memory where I didn't tip the waitress at all. We had to wait and wait and wait for drinks, refills, silverware, salads. We waited an hour between our salad before our chef showed up. Not cool.

Saturday night I crashed a friend from college's bachelorette party. However, Mary had already left to hit up another bar. But who I really came out to see was Marilyn.

Here's the best pic Chuck could take in the crowded bar. This was the first time I saw Marilyn since the ESC bar crawl the fall semester after I graduated.

Because Marilyn was in town, I figured I'd also run into my former roommate. I won't mention any names, but he's the one who cheated on his girl and he and I had a huge falling out. He also bleached some of my clothes. When he wanted to patch things up on this bar crawl (where I last saw Marilyn) I wasn't ready. When I wanted to patch things up at Erin's graduation, he blew me off. I figure we'd patch things up if we ran into each other, but we didn't.

I also got Chuck to admit that Marilyn has "grown-up" in a good way. And any resentment we might have about how she lives her life is basically because she's such a guy about it. She goes for what she wants unapologeticly  and she succeeds.

To simplify what I'm saying: I'm a worrier. I'm glad I have one less friend to worry about. Not that I had any doubts.

Finally, let's get to the story of how I was stranded. My car (the Galant, not the Accord)  died in the middle of an intersection. Its check engine codes told me the overhead cam positional sensor was throwing fault codes. Because I was desperately trying to get my car fixed so I could go home for my monday work, I had the car towed to Pep Boys.

Pep Boys found out the timing chain was broken.

The Galant's engine is called "an interference engine". Which means its likely that when your timing chain goes, bits of it will travel up inside the engine, damaging valves and piston rods.

Isn't that freakin' AWESOME?

Rather than spend $680 for them to fix a timing chain (the part only costs $80, so that implies about $600 worth of labor) to find out that my car isn't drivable, I paid less than half that to haul my car back to Morgantown. I have to decide if I'm going to fix it (with the help of my gearhead co-worker) or part it out. I'm still trying to figure out which is a better allocation of my time/money.

Blah, hopefully this wasn't long and boring. More later.

Labels: personal, pictures, pittsburgh, ramblings

Today while commuting to work, listening to the radio, I was informed that more West Virginians died from "drug overdoses and/or accidental poisonings" than from Motor Vehicle Accidents. Something like 470+ died from Overdosing/Poisoning in 2007 vs. 438 for motor vehicle accidents.

There must really be some terminally bored people in this state. Or meth really lives up to the hype. Either way...Jesus.

I'm just glad nobody I know has a drug problem (that I'm aware of).

Labels: personal, WV

Rands In Repose has a great blog post on "Toxic Assets". These are the people who go ALL CAPS on your ass. People avoid this team member. He doesn't get the memo. He's defining someone as "Toxic" when despite Management's best efforts, people can't work with him and he might have to be let go. He closes with this:

The history of the Silicon Valley is full of stories of toxic people who were, well, right. These people were physically removed from their respective companies, but their agenda, their ideas, however unpalatable to the existing cultural regime, were actually the right thing to do for that particular company.

The paradox is we often need these toxic people. We need these self-centered assholes to totally ignore cultural conventions and to mix things up beyond recognition. They don’t need social grace and they don’t need charisma. Both help, but their value lies in their intense belief in their own culture.

I have an intense belief in my own culture. I've had debates where the other person has left the room because they felt they weren't being heard. They probably feel I was going ALL CAPS on them. I was just bypassing the part of the argument where they talk. This might sound arrogant, but I've heard it before.

You don't grow up poor, punk, educated, atheist, and liberal in central PA without facing intense cultural scrutiny. You're an outsider. People you've never met know things about you before you even start the conversation.

Anyway, the article and its simple model of relationships provoked thought in me, and I thought it was a good read. So I thought I'd share.

Labels: corporate culture, goals, links, personal, ramblings, thoughts

http://www.shadowrun4.com/

I used to play Shadowrun religiously with friends during middle school. Good times. Aside from some really well written science fiction, nothing provided such a feeling of immersion.

I would be interested in trying the new edition, but would need to find people in the area interested in playing.

Maybe if I get bored I'll hit up craigslist.

Labels: personal, ramblings

Fallout 3 has forced me to finally break down and bite the bullet.

So today, with my big fat and as-of-yet-unspent paycheck, I broke down and bought a Xbox 360 Pro system (I don't need the Elite), Fallout 3, and a DVI adapter. It came in at a little over $400 from Amazon with overnight shipping. Not too shabby.

Labels: money, personal, video games

Another Year, another birthday. Another weekend of blurry memories.

I'd like to honestly state that my reckless, feckless, and boundless partying was getting less over the top and less self-indulgent as I grew older and my ability to recuperate by Monday gets weaker. However, that's not the case. It is some measure of improvement that this was the first time I got black out drunk in six years. I had not been that close to lit up. I'd like to add that I'm dealing with circumstances where I am not driving, have no stairs to navigate, am surrounded by friends, most of our valuables are locked up, and one of the roommates is sober if there were an emergency.

All that aside, I'd like to introduce a new house party benchmark: The Wilson Index. Its the number of unintended overnight guests, plus the number of people who have memory blackouts, plus the number of people who ended up getting some form of ass that night, divided by the number of roommates present at the party. In this case, the Wilson Index was something like 3.33333. Good times.

Party aside, this feels like one of the busiest months of my life. A friend of mine is working at a venture capital corporation after leaving a failed start up. He's following the startup's CEO and CTO. He's pitching ideas and having me sneak a peak as he searches for funding. Reviewing his applications, providing decent feedback in both a business sense, and a technical sense, as well as working and classes has been exhausting.

I actually have a decent costume for halloween this year. I'm going as Sweeny Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. I'll post pictures of the costume later. I wore it to WVU's Halloween Swing Dance. It can get very hot swing dancing in two layers of clothing. Leaves me out of breathe.

So here were my birthday goals.

1. Get "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" Season 3 on DVD.
2. Pay off half my credit card debt.
3. Ask someone to dinner.

I managed to get (1) and (2) done. I actually accomplished (3) -- with a positive answer -- but not before my birthday. Part of me is still waiting for "the other shoe" to drop. Surprise paper/exam they forgot about; grandmother died; outbreak of avian flu.

But assuming all goes well, I've got the perfect knock-knock joke to break the ice.

Me: Knock, Knock.
Them: Who's there?
Me: Socially Awkward Guy.
Them: Socially Akward Guy who?
Me: (Awkwardly Panics).

Anyway, I have one exam left -- really my own exam, since I quit Data Mining due to Professor Blowhard's arrogant attitude towards the value of my time vs. the fruits of my labor for him, but I don't feel prepared for it. I would like to do well on it, so as to have some breathing room for the last stretch of the class.

Labels: blogging, personal

No words need be spoken.
I shall not hate you, Rather
I respect and admire your efforts
It confirms the innate goodness
I saw in you.

Just don't ask if
I'm going to forget you.
I can't answer that
straight faced.
But I'm not the same.
I'm not the same person who stayed with you till dawn.
And you are not the same person who stayed with me.

This note has been left
intentionally unfinished.

Labels: personal

No, I don't have schizophrenia, at least, not yet. I just felt that in this to-be-epic update, I should jumble down a lot of topics to serve as topics to which I will textually orate on.

First and foremost, while writing this post, I just received a call, The empty bedroom in our 4 bedroom apartment is getting filled by a girl named Sierra. She should be moving in today or tomorrow. This will no doubt be interesting. We always felt that they wouldn't put a loner in with 3 people who've known each other for 2-3 years now. Let's just hope it doesn't disrupt the dynamic the three of us have going.

Speaking of home front news, my roommate Ken got a kitten. Its something like 2-3 months. Its tiny as all get up. And skittish to boot. I'll probably post some pictures of the little guy later.

Another birthday approaches. In 9 days I'm going to officially be one year older. Pushing 30 much? This "late twenties" phase feels like a "twilight" of the early to mid 20s. Not much has changed. People haven't changed. The world isn't getting any brighter or kinder. More and more people just seem to want to retreat to the comfort of their bubble.

I guess I just feel adrift. I'm wondering what I'm supposed to learn about myself next in order to become the person I'm supposed to be.

Worse than being set adrift, is the abysmal plummet that is the stock market. Its a sad tale about how we got into this mess, and its going to be an even sadder one before we get out. I think we need to adopt the kind of regulation that Scott Adams' has purposed in the past: If you can't explain how you're making money to a six year and make him understand, what you're doing is probably illegal. That pretty much covers the financial sector. I'm tempted to track down my ex-girlfriend from my sophomore year of college and see how she's doing now that Wall St. is in complete meltdown.

Considering international banks around the world cut interests rates today in order to stave off an international bank panic that could've led to a global financial collapse, today might be the day where you order the fiddle you're going to play while the rest of the world burns.

God Bless the dip-shit short sightedness, reckless optimism, and compulsive greed of Reaganomics, right? *Cues the team america theme song.*

These past few weeks of September, having dropped a course that taught me that slave-labor for professors isn't at all enjoyable, I've actually had enough time to work out. I've started swimming 1 kilometer 3 days a week, lifting weights, and playing raquetball. I easily lost 5 lbs.

Then I got sick. My head is stuffed up like nobody's business. A sore throat like you wouldn't believe. So I've been sitting on my ass, watching HBO, drinking Gatorade and eating chicken soup, and probably gaining 5 lbs. It sucks. I was really getting back into the swing of things.

The fact that I totally pigged out on an ice cream social at work today didn't help either.

Ah well. Enough for now. More later.

Labels: Health, personal

It turns out that alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, and lack of sleep and exercise all reduce a man's fertility.

With that in mind, at least my lifestyle serves as its own birth control.

I've needed to post more but I've never really had the time. I've had my first run in with a "mad professor". Every grad student encounters one of these guys. They are the guys who consider you to be slave labor. You're in grad school, so your time is "free", and therefore, worthless. So he can do whatever he wants with it.

So, instead of teaching Data Mining, like it says in the course description, he's going to convert you all in to LISP hackers. Because apparently, machine learning can't happen unless you've written the code in LISP. And rather than lecture you on data mining, he will lecture you on LISP. And reference paper's you're required to read on your own time. When you're not too busy coding in LISP. Or writing the textbook I've asked you to write for me. Or learning LaTex so you can write the textbook for me in the markup language of my choosing.

Okay, long story short, I had a prof who expected something like 20+ hrs/week of group work for a 3 credit class. Seeing as myself and one other member of my group were 40-hour week professionals, who value on our time, it wasn't happening. So I'm withdrawing from the class. And setting me back another 3 months in terms of graduating.

So that makes my graduation date something like 2011 or 2012. Except I honestly don't know if I could stand to be in WV that long. So I might switch over from the Computer Science Masters to the Software Engineering Masters. Its designed for professionals, so most of the classes are at night and there's a distance learning option. That means I could finish my master's remotely. Like in another state.

And this brings me to another recent development. A friend of mine is seeking seed money from a venture capital firm. He wants to do a 3-person web start up. I like the idea -- its sound, in my mind, from a technical and business stand point, and I've always wanted to try my hand at a start up. Working for myself has some appeal. Equity is what you make of it, and all. And its gotta beat working for a client that "fears" javascript. So if he gets it, I'm going to become a founder with him. We'd only have enough funding to last six months -- until/unless we secure additional funding. But I'm old enough where I want to take a shot and make a name for myself. I'll provide an update on whether or not this happens around October, because that's when the VC firm's deadlines are, apparently.

I've got more to post, but I'll do it in another update.

Labels: personal

Nothing angers me more than the bumper sticker seen below parked in a "High Technology Park". Seriously, evolution is one of the finest and foremost theories produced by the scientific method. The scientific method is something you should be intimately familiar with if you're pretending to be a scientist or an engineer -- or even a computer programmer. I'm not saying you're allowed to have religious beliefs. But when your religious beliefs are directly contradicted by science -- its not science that's lying. A willfully ignorant computer engineer, computer scientist, or Program Manager for either has no place in the industry. That's how I feel about it, and I'm sticking to it.




Seriously, its a bad sign when you're living in denial like that and people depend on you. Even Jesus would bitch slap the ignorance out of you. People with such antiquated Luddite beliefs belong to the greeters at Wal-Mart, not the "high technology" industry here in West Virginia.

Labels: crazy people, Fairmont, free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, government failures, personal, pictures, thoughts

I got Contra 4 for the Nintendo DS. I've finally picked up my DS and started playing it again. Its a strange contrast: The Wii was more expensive, has more potential for multiplayer, and receives much more hype for its new approach, but so far, games aside from Nintendo's have pretty much sucked. With the sole exception being Boom Blox. That game is addictive and awesome. But even Nintendo's offerings have been the pinnacle of lack luster. Smash Brothers only lets one person play online? Really? The XBox could handle 4 player Halo 2 online, and the Wii has something like 1.5x the power. Intentionally releasing crippleware like that makes me a sad panda.

Contra 4 for the DS, on the other hand, reminds you that you are soft. Contra 4 makes you ponder what you could've been, if only you had accepted that invitation to join Operation Project Mayhem. If, for instance, your family's feud with the Mocato Ninja Clan lead to you being the sole survivor of your family, and you dedicated every day since that massacre to mastering the arts of ninjitsu, dedicated to becoming the ultimate engine of grisly revenge.

That is the kind of gamer skill you need to be to survive Contra 4 DS. On easy. The first time you play it, your ass is cookie dough. By the time you're done with it, you're carved out of wood.

So yeah, Contra 4 is insanely hard, but its also fun. Intensity matters. Contra 4 does not coddle you or pander to you. Contra 4 is a fulcrum. It decides whether you're pure enough in mettle and spirit, or merely an impurity to be chewed up, and spit back out.

Labels: Gaming, Nintendo Wii, personal, ramblings, video games, weekend

Yesterday I woke up with some "insanely painful" chest pain. I think it was a delayed effect of all the hedonism from this weekend. I barely made it to my car pool.

Today, however, I'm happy to report, involves waking up without any tightness or pain in my chest.

Oh, another thing about the party I threw this weekend: Someone stole my deodorant. Really. It was the one thing missing from my room. You think someone would take my playstation 2. Or my digital camera that was being passed around. Or one of my iPods. But no, someone stole a used stick of deodorant. Puzzle over that during the rest of the day. I know I have.

Labels: blogging, crazy people, friends, personal, ramblings, thoughts

Its been a long time since I've "kicked the tires" as hard I did this past weekend. Me and my roommates threw a costume party ("Halfway to Halloween -- Belated Dance Party Hyper Alpha Edition"). Here's some of the "work safe/safe to be public" photos from a party that got way out of hand. I had to stay up till 7am to recover.

This is a pic of the three party guests who are also members of the WVU Swing Dance Club.

Nicole as an 80s rocker chick.

Bi-sexual spiderman giving someone the middle finger for ragging on him for chasing some of the party jailbait.

Me in costume as a cowboy. I spent $12 at Wal-Mart on the costume.

Why so serious?

A picture of my pet turtle, Logo. Notice he's essentially a giant now?

The sexy nurse.

All in all, a great weekend was had. More later. This should get you through your morning routine, tho.

Labels: crazy people, morgantown, personal, pictures, weekend

Alternate Title, for those of you not a fan of Telefone Tel Aviv, could be "unfamiliar ceiling". (Eva reference).

I'm feeling a bit morose, because its the real first night in the new apartment, which means I've moved one step further away from someone who always seems to give a damn about me no matter what I do.

Part of me wonders if in hindsight I'll realize I've made the biggest mistake of my life (so far) in this past year, and I've been too up in my head to do anything about it. But I'm too stubborn to risk damaging someone by making them put up with my shit again, even if they think I've turned a corner.

Doubt clouds my faith in humanity. I'm not trying to be emo. Life has just taught me to expect that people are too busy in their own little bubble to really care about another person. Expect to be disappointed and you're really not let down. It leads to a pretty accurate prediction of any situation's outcome.

But when you're wrong, you usually owe someone an apology.

It will be days before I sleep soundly, but the wonderful thing about being all up in your head is that its easy to forget all the minor emotional stresses.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal

I've recently purchased the platinum series of Evangelion, all episodes included and what not. I haven't really watched the series in about 10 years. It was one of those really awesome shows from my childhood -- i had bootlegs from the laserdiscs that were fan subtitled. Loved it.

Its kinda fun to relive a good part of the childhood.

On a side note, from the "what the fuck, i can't believe that, it pisses me off" department, someone (i think) stole a hub cap off my car. Again. it pissed me off on my drive home. But thankfully, both cats realized i needed some immediate de-stress, and came over and purred their heart out.

It helps in letting go of the little wrongs. That's an important life lesson, and I'm happy for that.

Labels: personal, thoughts

I'm going to enumerate a few good things in my life right now, because my last few posts seemed mostly full of piss and vinegar.

1. I'm glad that even though I don't work out enough at it is, I can eat wings and not feel guilty.



2. I'm glad school for me will be over in little more than week.



3. I'm glad I never have to worry about finding a swing dance partner.



4. I'm glad I'm on two projects to work.



5. I'm glad I've seen self-absorption and vanity up close. I had a former friend in my life who dropped out of college at 20 and has been trying the whole "get rich quick through a start up" thing since before the dot bomb. So far, he has failed, and has little to show for it. When I "make my move" in that respect, I won't be such a money-worshipping know it all yuppie.



6. I'm glad both the cats I rescued still visit me when I crash at night. They love sleeping near me.



7. I'm glad I've decided to resolve my sleep problems without medication. After researching Ambien, I'm terrified of it. Its a narcotic. When you stop taking it, you can have "rebound insomnia". You can always wake up, drive to a buddy house, drink and talk to them for an hour, have sex with a girl, and drive home, with no memory of the fact you just slept- walked an entire night away. Wow.



8. I'm glad to be learning new things with respect to my technology skillset. After having a grad school professor basically lecture on distributed systems and completely ignore how google changed the game and 90% of this is irrelevant, because "the google way" is what's going to be copied from now on, its awesome to learn something new.



9. I'm glad to have my health after witness a friend suffer so for a completely random or incomprehensible reason



10. I'm glad to more than one honest person in my life. I think my friend who's life went wrong stems from a simple reason: the need to look good over the need to realize failure. And likeminded people in his life, who he felt were also "succeeding". I still have people I've known since I was 18 that can at least cut me to ribbons should I start putting on false airs.



11. I'm glad I'm not afraid to take risks in my personal or professional life, despite some of the downturns that have happened in both. No Regrets.



12. I'm glad tomorrow is a new day.

Labels: confidence, free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, late night thoughts, life is short, personal

Back again, but I don't really have any time...does anyone still read my goddamn blog? Comment love would be appreciated.

My roommate (and *cough* ex-girlfriend) was in the hospital. She had breathing problems. Her O2Sat was around 80 when they started monitoring her. They technically can't let you leave a hospital unless its above 90. At 80, doing simple things like "walking" or "trying to use the bathroom without help" can leave you winded and possibly pass out.

Nobody really knows what's wrong with her: It could be TB, it could be walking pneumonia, it could be asthma.

So she spent nearly 2 days in a hospital, and I was there to help her with medical issues and offer moral support.

And this is crunch time for me. So I'm busy catching up at work and busy catching up in school.

Leave me some love.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, thoughts

Well, one person has demanded and update, and an update she shall get!

I've been exhausted because the pace of life lately has been running at a pace where its always a few steps ahead of me. This is probably because grad school makes me feel like i'm in over my head -- it could also be just that I'm at the age where when given a shit-ton of (at least to me) pointless busy work that does not serve to teach my anything, i focus on things that actually seem worth my time. I'm dragging myself across the finish line. I think next semester I'm going to try to take courses that interest me more, even if the workload turns out to be more.

Another thing that kills me is most of my friends are on cruise control because they're graduating in a month or so. So I go out way more than I should. Then again, I say yes to everything.

I went swing dancing in Pittsburgh this past weekend. I find it especially hilarious that I'm even more spastic when I swing dance. There is the occasional moment where I'm graceful, but when I'm with someone I know pretty well, and I find we both end up giggling like idiots and trying not to crash into anyone else on the dance floor. I'm glad the new club president seems more open to organizing "away" events more than once a semester. Considering that Pittsburgh is one hour, twenty minutes away (less the way I drive) its not really that hard.

A friend of mine that I've known since my college days might be doing a start up company in Pittsburgh with an idea I basically came up with all by myself. I'm not upset or jealous -- I'm actually quite excited for him. I've kind of abandoned the idea because I wouldn't want to do an "advertiser funded" business plan for a web based start up. Its a "young man's business model" -- where you build something cool (both from a technical and non-technical definition of cool) and attract eyeballs. Once you have the eyeballs, you can make money via google adwords. I'd prefer something with more of a plan B, but I'm psyched he's gonna take the risk, or might take the risk. He's meeting with venture capitalists trying to fund Pittsburgh based web-start ups in the next week. I'm pulling for him. Also, if he's reading this and does strike it rich, remember it was my idea and I make a great entourage member. I can drive you around places and carry spare laptop batteries.

One reason I haven't been posting as much is that Reddit.com has taken over my web browsing. And I've gotten into too many arguements with idiotic trolls. Its sad that no corner of the internet social media trend is free from 9/11 conspiracy whackos, ridiculously scornful libertarians who believe the free market can fix everything, global warming deniers, and pro-creationism douchebags. Allow me to state the following without being bitter: If a defense computer ever does become self-aware, and nukes most of humanity, like Skynet, I will be okay with it, as long as all of the above are completely wiped out. No matter what I comment on, I attract these idiots. And I've apparently lost my mutant ability to make idiots who keep bothering me drink anti-freeze.

My friend Vanessa started talking to me again. I thought out friendship had died out on the wayside. Its good to see one come back from the brink.

Labels: blogging, personal, ramblings, thoughts

1. Lost Ticket at a Morgantown Parking Garage. That's a $25 mistake. I've let it go, but at the same time, I'm more upset that its $25 for a lost fucking ticket in a Morgantown Parking Garage. Even in Pittsburgh, the city with THE HIGHEST PARKING TAXES IN THE FUCKING NATION a lost ticket at the soldiers and sailors garage was something like $15 or $20, assuming one of the poor college students wouldn't just feel bad for you and open the gate and let you out scott free. Shitty way to end a night where I overspent anyway.

2. I recently received the compliment that it looks like I've lost weight. I have, thank you for noticing. Just don't grab my arm, squeeze it, and say, 'You're starting to get emo'. I don't need anyone pointing out that I've lost a lot of the muscle mass I gained last year. A relationship gone bad, grad school, a side project, and working full time with an hour lost to commuting will eat into your physique.

3. People who take advantage of their former best friends deepest fear -- their fear of being strangled. And then brag about it to people.

Books I'm reading:

Children Of Dune and Dune Messiah by Frank Herbert
Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut
American Gods by Neil Gaiman.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, ramblings

Wow. Been a while.
Is anyone still reading this?

Soo.... updates:
I canceled my spring break trip to NYC to visit JSC and EK because I had a terrible head cold that left with a cough that vaguely resembled a death rattle. Didn't feel like trying to make the 7 hour drive on cough medication. Didn't feel like giving an already ill friend a dose of somebody else's germs. Also, I've been busy on a 'side project' with my friend from college Antique. Its kept me busy, but there are times where I'm just so burnt out from being in front of a computer that I need to do something else, so progress up to this point has been slow.

My laptop is back in action. I've restored what pictures and music I managed to save from my Hard Drive crash. It feels like a part of me is made whole again. One less little nagging voice in the back of the "to do" list part of my mind. Still a few kinks to work out with leopard, but I am loving spaces. Its not as good as multiple monitors, but I definitely like it for separating work/play desktops.

Grad School continues to drag on, with this semester about as intriguing as a sack of potatoes. I'm hoping I step it up and get at least a 3.5 again this semester, but I'll have to really suck it up to get through this semester. My side projects are more interesting.

People are graduating this year. Just like last year. Its this odd thing being a grad student with younger friends. The people you care about graduate and move on. Just like you did. And right now it sucks because it seems that outside of a few grad students who's lives are more stable, I'll be losing a large "crop" of friends each coming year. On the other hand, the crazies are bound to graduate and go away, so in this dark cloud, there is a silver lining.

I was recently in one of those minor emergencies. While driving to work with a co-worker, her car's brake lines failed and we lost braking power. Ever have to help out in driving a car that's going 75mph downhill that needs to stop? It made for an interesting morning. Everything turned out okay, but it was definitely a change to the morning routine. Thankfully, one of the hyper-mileing techniques is called "DWB" -- "Driving Without Brakes", so I wasn't exactly coming into the situation unprepared.

My company's casino night was pretty off the hook this year. It felt like it went a lot faster, but it could just be the completely free martini bar that I took advantage of. Either way, it rocked, and I took advantage of its proximity to Leesburg to check out the Leesburg outlet mall, where I managed to purchase some stuff on the cheap, the notable purchase being my new Diesel Messenger bag which I'll use for school when I'm not hauling around my MBP. I also had no idea that people in this country were stupid enough to pay $300 for a pair of jeans. Jesus.

There's your six pack of updates for now. More soon.

Labels: blogging, crazy people, personal, Web Development

Its sad when you realize a friend of yours is so crazy, so damaged, that they don't even realize. Its like they're in that alternate reality with invading Iraq was a good idea, WMDs were confirmed, and GWB says things truthfully.

Its shitty when you can see the damage, but they're just going about life thinking they're fabulous. Its also the moment where you can't be a buffer for them anymore, and have to cut ties.

Labels: crazy people, personal

This is a great article on compensating young employees who're looking for "growth". A halfway decent developer, if he's not too busy blogging, will probably double his productivity for the first 3 years of employment at a company (assuming he stays). This is because if they're keeping up with what's going on in the industry and not just doing what they're told, they're creating value without you having to train them. And that skillset is highly portable.

And of course, the experience and know-how he has of the internal mechanics of your company is something you can't get from the pool of job applicants. Its something he takes with him.

So having shitty raises for the people in the "trenches" is a really dumb idea. I know that once you get a reputation of having "shitty raises", anyone that knows anyone at the company that's applying for a job is going to tack on a premium to their base salary. Its fact.

So to recap, read the article. And having a system where "busting your hump" gets you a 4% raise, and doing nothing gets you a 3% raise, and you have a system that's going to be gamed so that people do nothing. And then, what're you really paying for?

Labels: corporate culture, money, personal, raises, ramblings, today's generation, Web Development

I'm glad class isn't in session because I've been scaling bits and pieces of the learning curve that is JEE5.0+Spring 2.5+Hibernate3+Hibernate Annotations.

Its the first time I've really felt you needed to 'smart' to do my job. I'm not trying to talk out my ass -- I don't feel smart attempting to get things done in Eclipse (the IDE du jour for Java development) -- but this isn't something that one master's easily. It feels like I'm pushing around furniture when what I'm really trying to do is toss around a frisbee.

So I was naturally a little pre-occupied when the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl came around. Since I decided not to make an insane road trip out of it (saving what little vacation I have for a planned for snowboarding trip with Greg over spring break) I figured I should at least watch it with someone.

Three different people asked me to hang out with them and watch the game that night. Rather than take DFR's advice from over Christmas break -- say "Yes" to any social invite -- if just to get you out of the house and meet more people -- I sat around, read, and lightly thought upon my problem. It took until halftime for me to shake off my funk and go over to Vanessa's, because she nagged me the most, and it was a good time.

The reason I'm writing this is because I feel like I've defined by problem: Java has traded idiomatic-ness (if that's a word) for its ability to have a gazillion interoperable frameworks. And that's great if you're mr. blub, trying to build a blub tower for the people of blubville. You've got a one-size-fits-all catch all language.

But there's no room for metis. Even where there might be definite beauty or craft, I'm at a point where it still feels I'm a woodworker trying to appreciate the work of a stonecutter. That's nice and all, but did you have to pick such a cold and heavy medium?

Hopefully I'll get to a java-happy-place. In time. It just feels like my experience with Ruby, Cocoa, and Python has a me always hearing a voice telling me in that faux-austrialian infomerical accent "There's got to be a better way! Call now!"

Anyway, I wanted to post two links I found that fellow programmers like CoyoteTechnica will find interesting. The first is titled "Java is an Evolutionary Dead End" and it sort of touches upon what I'm getting at: Code is meant to be read more times than it is to be written, so a concise language that's easily readable will be better than the overly-syntaxic world of java.

And the second, also by Bruce Eckel, is called "The Mythical 5%" and its a commencement speech that he gave to a bunch of Computer Science kiddies. I like it because its actually good advice and somewhat inspiring. I tried giving similar advice ("This is a field that involves constantly learning and re-learning to keep up") but came off as condescending and cruel. So forget what I would say and read the artcle. Its a good read.

Labels: links, personal, software, thoughts

Grades are in on STAR.

Three point five. Not bad at all. Not a bad start to a graduate program in computer science.

Labels: blogging, confidence, personal

My semester is finished, and fate willing I finished with Straight A's. That'd be the first time in a long time I pulled that off. The plus side of having your co-worker and office mate serve as your faculty advisor is that you end up taking really good courses from really professors, and it just makes the process of getting a master's a little less painful.

The Mantech Christmas party came and went, and I celebrated with my usual flair. I found it interesting that someone else showed up this year sporting a velvet white tie. My new suit was a hit. The funny story I ended up telling throughout the night was how my date got sick at the last minute. And she was the third person I'd asked. After the open bar, we hit up The Vintage Room, and Ryan was pleased to see me, as always. Around 2:15 or 2:30, and a hefty helping of Pizza, bought again with company money, I felt the spins starting to hit, and since I was alone this year and didn't have anyone to lean on, I excused myself before I really began to feel the effects of how hammered I was.

But it turns out I really didn't need anyone to take care of me by the time I got back to the Hotel room. My friends Corey and Greg checked on me, and after hanging out for a while, I basically told them, "I'm going to shut down now" and fell asleep when my head hit the pillow.

I woke up at 8:30 still drunk. What a way to start the weekend before finals. Another year where I get away with binge drinking and I don't really say anything to embarrass myself to co-workers or anyone I think highly of.

Now that the semester's over, I've got travel plans. I'm going home this weekend for Ben's 24th. It will be good to see Speed Racer, Brian Dylan, and the Penguin. I'm sure there will be lots of the usual drunken back-and-fourth between myself and the Penguin.

New Years is either going to be spent in Miami, D.C., or ATL. Right now its a huge toss up as to what I can afford because I need to decide this weekend how much I'm spending on everyone's christmas presents.

Then, my friend Emily and I have tickets to see WVU play in the Fiesta Bowl. (Go team!) Win or lose, that will be a good time. I'm trying to talk to one or two more people into going with us, but i don't think either of them is going to commit to the journey, so it'll just be the two of us.

I'm also planning a snowboarding trip out to Colorado. Ze Greg has offered to join me out there (and let me crash at his place, of course) for the week of spring break. That means I've got to spend some weekends on the slopes here, but I'm looking forward to tracking down some people in the WVU outdoors club from last semester and seeing if they snowboard.

I've been squirreling money away since I'm planning on moving out of my current apartment soon. My friend Matthew's family decided they're not ready to rent out his house yet, so I'm actually looking for a new place and actually looking at potentially buying a place, knowing that if I rent it out to one of the Ph D students that I'll be running into at WVU's Computer Science program, I could potentially have someone who'd be renting from me after I move out, and potentially until I've built up enough equity to sell the place. Its something I'll be discussing and researching over the holidays.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, road trips

Underneath the star light, she pressed my hands up against her heart and spoke through the darkness.

"Your hands are the most beautiful part of you.
When you were younger, they climbed trees and picked blackberries.
They played piano for your parents, filling your house with music.
The hurled snowballs at girls you didn't like
and tickled the ones you did

When you were older, they cut and trimmed
countless roses at the flower shop
for brides and grooms you'd never meet
church gatherings you'd never grace
They strummed the chords of guitar songs
you never played for anyone
gripped the tools that tuned up your first car
a tired, trusty pontiac almost as old as you were
held the wheel steady as you road tripped to see 311
hotboxing the whole way
they took the photos of your sister's first kiss as a married woman
and held the first cigarette smoked with family
They pulled you out of a managed dodge caravan
when a drunk driver nearly took your life in philadelphia
and held your sisters hand tight as you wandered the streets blind
in search of anything familiar as home
They held onto lisa tight as you took her to get help
and waited for her all night until the menace faded
They nailed the shingles to only roof you knew as home
and pulled the weeds from your mother's garden
They grew cold on that 4 mile walk
after the longest, sorriest, heart wrenching goodbye you'd ever make.

Look me in the eyes, with your hands in mine, and tell me again that you've never accomplished anything. Tell me you're not excited to be alive."

Before I could turn to see her face,
Before I could answer her challenge,
I awoke.

Labels: free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, life is short, personal

Yesterday I bought my first ringtone ever. At the $2.99 price, and the very limited utility of it, I'm doubting I'll do it again for a long time. But it was "novel".

I also recently went suit shopping for my company's annual Christmas party. I'm really pleased with the outcome, and am excited to get it back from the tailor. I am going to look pretty good, and its going to be a good time drinking with friends and co-workers. My friend Jen was essential in helping me keep my spirits up and remain confident that there would be a positive outcome. Also, her fashion sense definitely complimented mine and the salespersons.

I'm excited for my company's christmas party. Always a good time to drink top shelf stuff on somebody else's dime.

I'm actually considering printing up pre-apology cards for people's significant others because I know I'm going to over-celebrate this year.

Its not definite yet, but I might be in Miami for New Year's. I'm excited for it, but its all about making sure I can afford the trip.

I've had a recent first hand illumination on a bad habit (of my past, I hope) where you're arguing not to prove a point, but simply to prove to yourself that you're right. I realize I haven't conquered that, but I can at least recognize that kind of anger in others now. And because I try to believe in selling bridges instead of burning them, I've learned to ride out these people's tantrums.

And I tell myself that with a little patience I can get through this. We walk not long upon the earth. No need to tread the paths that lead only to bitterness. With Patience, I can outlast someone's pettiness and see past what they are in the moment.

Less than two weeks left in school and I'm looking at straight A's for grad school. Not bad for a first semester.

Beowulf 3D was not that bad of a movie. Next up: Hitman.

Back to school stuff.

Labels: blogging, personal, ramblings, thoughts

In Steve McConnell's "Code Complete", he describes a debugging (aka problem solving) technique called "Confessional Debugging". It goes a little something like this:

Talk to someone else about the problem. Some people call this "confessional debugging." You often discover your own error in the act of explaining it to another person. For example, if you were explaining the problem in the salary example, you might sound like this:

"Hey Jennifer. Have you got a minute; I'm having a problem. I've got this list of employee salaries that's supposed to be sorted but some names are out of order. They're sorted all right the second time I print them out but not the first. I checked to see if it was new names, but it didn't seem like it was because I tried some that worked. I know they should be sorted the first time I print them because the program sorts all the names as they're entered and again when they're saved ... wait a minute ... no, it doesn't sort them when they're entered. That's right. It only orders them roughly. Thanks Jennifer. You've been a big help."

Jennifer didn't say a word, and you solved your problem. This is typical, and is perhaps your most potent tool for solving the most difficult errors.

Non-geeks would call this "sharing" or even "theraphy" when taken to extremes. Here's a snippet of confessional debugging that I recently had.

(4:02:29 PM) redrobot5050: being self-aware doesn't make one less crazy
(4:02:33 PM) redrobot5050: often times, it makes you more crazy
(4:02:43 PM) redrobot5050: and realizing a problem and reacting to it like a mature, intelligent adult
(4:02:48 PM) redrobot5050: are separate issues
(4:03:02 PM) redrobot5050: i can understand after all that happened if [redacted] views part of me with ugliness
(4:03:54 PM) redrobot5050: anyway, i've kept you
(4:04:00 PM) redrobot5050: i just felt like clarifying for your own sake
(4:04:15 PM) redrobot5050: [redacted] is not a bad apple
(4:04:21 PM) redrobot5050: but [redacted], apparently
(4:11:19 PM) redrobot5050: anyway
(4:11:24 PM) redrobot5050: have fun whether or not you go or don't
(4:11:25 PM) redrobot5050: and take care

Labels: blogging, free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, personal, ramblings

I'm happy for you. I'm really glad you found that someone that can make 5 years go by so fast (and by a house with) and still be happy about what's to come. Don't think that traveling for ultimate is a bad thing. It beats NOT traveling for ultimate, but if you're going to travel just to travel, check out Rickett's Glen in PA. I grew up near there. Right about this time of year, the waterfalls freeze. Its beautiful. But be careful. Its one of those places near water where I almost died/froze to death because the paths also get very icy.

I'm also sorry that the girl I was seeing, Stephanie from Chatham, left me an emotional wreck the night you stayed over. I hadn't figured out that some girls just like to make the rounds back then, and they aren't worth fussing over. Even if they leave you for a frat brother.

Maybe then we would've made out, instead of just playing Streets of Rage 2 on my Dreamcast. Although, to be honest, streets of rage was pretty boss hog. And if we played Golden Axe, then is just like we did make out, only better.

Also, I'm sorry you met my mom. I know that wasn't what you bargained for, and I'm sure that was slightly awkward. I'm sure she thought you were nice. You did a great job of helping me pack up my stuff. And you were an amazing little spoon, but I'm sure you've heard that before.

Kudos on the great co-workers. I'm starting to realize how much that really matters. Its a tribal thing. Its like Odyssey of the Mind in cubicles. You may not known everyone enough to know if you like them, but you better know what they're thinking for the group points.

Anyway, I'm glad you've been following the bits and pieces of my life that I've put online. The point of soapbox was to keep track of the people that I want to keep in touch with for life.
It was good hearing from you. I'll write you soon.

Labels: personal

Inspired by Lina's post on soapbox:

A) Four Jobs I've had in my life.
1. All around Floral Assistant (deliveries, cleaning, wedding set up/tear down, and other non-design work)
2. Resident Network Guy (only at a college will you be able to parley a backwards worn red visor and minimal networking skills into hooking up with girls.)
3. Nuclear Utility Software Subcontrator (Don't forget that the new TPS reports have a coversheet. Did you get the memo?)
4. Defense Contractor

Four Places I have Lived:
1. Seattle, WA (Go Seahawks!)
2. Pittsburgh, PA (Go Steelers/Go Pens)
3. Wichita, KS (Home of the shockers! Go Shockers!)
4. Morgantown, WV (Go Mountaineers!)

Four TV Shows I like to Watch:
1. Battlestar Galactica
2. The Office
3. Family Guy
4. Futurama

Four places I've been on Vacation:
1. Chicoteague Island
2. New Orleans, LA
3. Rickets' Glenn, PA
4. Ohiopyle, PA (Home of FLW's Falling Water)

Four of my favorite foods:
1. White Pizza
2. Sushi
3. Chili
4. Grilled Salmon

Four Places I like to shop:
1. Amazon.com
2. Ebay.com
3. Journeys ( I <3 Diesel's shoes)
4. Barnes and Noble.

Labels: personal, soapbox

I turn 26 tomorrow. On that omission, its a slow downhill slide to 30. Its got me thinking about what I need to accomplish, or in other words, where I want to be when I'm 30.

So here's a (brief) list of goals. I'm omitting goals that are, for the most part, out of my control, such as getting married/kids because that "takes two".

• Own property. Or at the very least, save for a house. Hello, tax write off!
  
• Relocate to a more urban area. The three preliminary areas are Seattle, Wa., Boulder, Co., and Washington D.C. I have friends and family near most those areas. Its not that I don't enjoy Morgantown, but I have a feeling that what I enjoy the most (my friends) will have mostly graduated and moved on by the time I'm ready to move on.
  
• Finish my master's in computer science.
  
• Continue to swing dance. I still need to learn the Lindi Hop down pat. My footwork and timing is sloppy.
• Resume playing Piano. I played for six years and hated every god damned second of it. But that's mostly because of poor parenting. Don't ever set up music lessons for your kid on 8am on a Saturday. I don't see how my mother and father, together since they were in high school, and with nearly a decade of parenting experience thought that was going to do anything but inspire resentment and waste money. But I guess my dinosauric instructor was right: I'll be back someday.
  
• Travel. Travel. Travel.
  
• Heart hack. I just invented that term, so if its never been used before, I'm coining it. Engineering and programming teach you to recognize patterns and analyze things. You're given a toolkit to keep learning and recognize problems and solve them. I'd like to develop the same toolkit for emotional, instead of intellectual issues. Part of me thinks this might take spirituality, and re-reading the books I have written by the Dali Lama couldn't hurt, but I'm thinking some kind of rational, objectivist way of recognizing when I'm in an argument with blinders on. Or when I'm treating someone unfairly. In short, I want to re-program my emotional firmware.
• Write a book

I'm open to any ideas that aren't entirely cliche (e.g. "Run a Marathon"). But this is all I have for now, besides "get more sleep" because I'm tired.

Labels: birthdays, goals, personal, thoughts

I was talking to a friend at work today who's recently gone off one of those adult ADHD medeications, and was talking about the 'crash'. They're known for causing depressive episodes. One of my good friends worked at a start up out of Pittsburgh where the CEO passed those kinds of pills around because we all know time is money to a start up, and who cares if one of your lead programmers has to quit because withdrawal has made him suicidally depressed....

Anyway, to be more on topic, my friend described many of the symptoms of her depressive episodes, and I found myself thinking that I've been feeling some of those as well. Quick to anger. Bouts of moroseness, more susceptible to sorrow.

I am beginning to entertain the possibility that I've recently undergone a mental health status change.

The question is "what do I do about it?"

I've heard horror stories from some of the other 'red badge' people about how what were once simple things to accomplish in the process of a background investigation or re-investigation were now suddenly difficult. I've already been through that hassle once, and anything that would make that more difficult a second time around when I become a beltway bandit or the equivalent in Boulder, CO, bothers me. I paid off nearly $4k in debt to improve my credit history, and paid off the last $5k on my car all in the last year to show that i'm one of 'the good guys'. I sacrificed.

And I want to accomplish something. That's important to me. I've moved away from friends I could honestly say I've loved twice. I know I will again, soon, after my master's is finished. I'll be 28 and have started over in a new place 3 or 4 times already, depending on how far back you want to go and what counts as starting over. I've worked on logistic systems that maintained nearly $60 million worth of assets for nuclear power plants, and the latest claim to fame is a number in the ballpark of nearly $2.7 billion worth of customs clearance in a prototype I helped build. And it will likely be operational for another year (and another 2.7 billion) before a replacement system goes live.

But I'm no good to anyone if I am batshit insane crazy. But considering the horror stories, it seems my career in this field would be over if I was even considered to be batshit insane crazy.

Nevermind that it could be perfectly normal to be mildly depressed under the circumstances and stress that I've been under.

I need to think on this more and research it more. I'm not one to sit on my hands. But I've also witnessed what happens to someone as they ignore all the warning signs that they are depressed for almost 20 years. A hollow, ruined career, a tattered marriage, and all kinds of oddities that make everyone sit, stare, and wonder. A downward spiral.

And there is nothing I would resist more than that happening to me.

Labels: late night thoughts, life is short, personal, ramblings

i went up to Pittsburgh on Friday because I thought Minus the Bear was playing Friday. I ended up hanging out with my friend Lisa and getting drunk in the south side with her. Great times. Let me say it again: Great times. I've known Lisa almost as long as I've known anyone I still speak to in my life. I'm her longest known friend. Since my group of friends in Pittsburgh was so tight, we've got a close history. And this was our first time hanging out (alone) together in ages.

We hit up Club Diesel in the south side, and after a few vodka and cranberries ($2.00 special!) we danced to the techno music with her friends from high school, who showed up celebrating a 21st bday just coincidentally. I think the feeling in the world is when you're dancing with a close friend and both of you are having fun and neither of you are taking it seriously. We cracked up on the dance floor multiple times. It was like when I'd dance with a friend at Vice, only more exaggerated.

We also crashed a VIP area. Good times. No, scratch that. Great times.

We then hit up my old watering hole in the south side -- Jekyl and Hyde's. Its a halloween motif'd bar. I was warned by Chuck that its a shadow of its pale self. It was indeed. It was a Duquensce bar through and through. Everything was there in the material form, but the spirit had gone out of the bar. It was just another dimly lit watering hole for rich, preppy, greek college kids. Lisa and I hung out on the bar stools and talked over the music and crowd until my voice was so wraspy it was giving out.

That didn't stop me from singing along to Bedford as I drove us back. I was even on key for two or three songs before my voice gave out.

Lisa, when you get a chance to read this, thank you for being you. Just when I needed a laugh deep from the soul, you popped up and delivered. You're a true friend. Visit soon.

Labels: life is short, personal, ramblings

A friend of mine recently betrayed a confidence. Nothing major, and its really nothing to get personal about. But here's the kicker: I confronted this person and they denied it to my face. They're sticking to their guns.

As they say in Washington, "Its not the crime that gets you, its the cover up."

I know they don't read this, but that person is essentially dead to me. I've been trying to live by the belief that its better to sell bridges than than burn them, but every now and then you come upon one that you feel is just worthless. There is nothing I can do because I cannot control this person's actions or trust them to do anything but be petty attention whores.

But enough of this negative venting of words. What's done is done, and now that I've reacted to it, I can move on.

Labels: personal, ramblings

Finished Gibson's book "Pattern Recognition" and I loved it. It was brilliant. I've got to free read more.

Labels: blogging, books, personal

I had a throat infection so bad that I pretty much lost my ability to speak this weekend, which didn't deter me from trying to wish Megan a happy birthday. We hit the up beginning of Oktoberfest, which was by far an awesome festival, if only Penn Pilsner wasn't such a ass-tastic beer (of this, we all agree). It was fun as we watched one of our group, Alison, get picked up by a first year law student. After he had separated her from the herd and started buying her drinks, he repeatedly attempted to get her to go home with him by using the lines, "Wanna go out to my car?" and "I just wanna talk.". After that, I think those were my catch phrases for the night.

Oh, and the guy was totally not creepy. ;) He just wanted to talk.

After the 'fest we hit up south side, my old home and prowling grounds. It hasn't changed much. The one thing about Pittsburgh is its always full of familiar faces. I ran into two girls that I somewhat knew from college. A former co-worker from my previous job, a friend of a friend, two former Pitt students that used to be engineers, and a girl I remember from being a Tower C ResCon. But at the same time, I don't really know these people enough to care what's up with most of them, so I didn't bother engaging in smalltalk (see Throat Infection).

Pittsburgh feels like a small town. In retrospect, its because it is.

I played a little BioShock on my friend's xbox 360, and I like it. The game has that System Shock feel I liked from my PC Gamer days. Go Rich Story FPSes.

All in all, aside from being sick, it was a good weekend. I needed to get away.

Labels: birthdays, friends, Gaming, personal, pittsburgh

Saturday night was a let down. I hung out with my law school friend, MP, and her friends from Marshall. The only problem is that they were all paired up. So this left me as the 5th wheel. It was less comical than you think.

Three observations:

1. The White Tie is out of style. Everyone is doing it now. And nobody was pulling it off even nearly as well I did. Well, except the guy who was dressed up like some kind of half-sailor, half-village people tribute group member.
2. If you're not enough where you can grow facial hair, please do not sport any at a club. 95% of men can't pull off facial hair well anyway. Having some kind of scraggily scruff all over your face is not remotely appealing to anyone outside of a trailer park or middle school dance.
   
3. You must be at least 10 years of my age to have the privilege of talking to me and not creeping me out.

So all it in all, it was a low energy saturday night that left me feeling dejected and alone. I often forget (but quickly remember) that this is the default feeling for most 'single' guys on a saturday night. I'm going through the psychological shift from being in a relationship to being on my own. Studies show that people in relationships, co-dependent or not, are more confident
and happy. It does not say those who kiss their wife before they leave work, or those in happy relationship, but simply being in a relationship is a different "set" of brainspace.

As I shift from one brainspace to another, I risk imploding into some kind of self-centered (more than usual), angst-ridden, withdrawn version of myself. I've already recognized the pattern I'm falling into. So trying to surround myself with chill people who help me "move past" this phase is definitely a short-term goal. However, it also contradicts my goal of actually getting shit done for grad school. I'm starting to realize that my one "real" class is going to be more demanding than I thought. Its another "brainspace" issue. I hate theory classes.

What you want from another person is really what you want in yourself. While I don't plan on withdrawing like I did the last time I split up after a long-term relationship, I don't plan on looking for anything. Instead, I plan on seeking out the qualities I desire within. I like fun-loving people. I need to learn how to make my own fun.

Labels: love, narcissim, personal, ramblings, thoughts

WV is under water right now because of the tropical storm or hurricane that's beating down on the east coast. I find myself freaking out because I'm driving through these giant puddles.

In contrast, driving around (or navigating) New York City, some kind of magical "mental fifth gear" kicked in. I felt like I could navigate like my life depended on it. I love that mental acuity.

***

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.

--Robert A Heinlein

I've been thinking a lot. A lot of things have been flowing in and out of my head. I'm planning what I want in life. I'm trying to stop and think of what I want in my life, and who I want in life. I'm trying to imagine what my life is going to be like. I need to learn how to see past my own nose.

I need to think of who I'm going to be 5 years from now and start becoming that person. I need to think about what kind of people I'm going to want in my life and meet those people.

***

My first day of classes started today. Something very good also happened friday at work. Between the two, its the opening of a new door for me. When the master's is completed, I'll be able to move to the D.C. area and name my price if I'm to continue government contracting. A lot of people really joke about going to college to put off reality. I think I am one of them. Getting a master's is no cake walk, and considering how I'm a lot more serious about my education this time around, its not really burying my head in the sand, but its admission that I know what I want, what it will take to get it, and that I will need to move on from here. Part of me is happy here, but the part of me that looks to the future feels I won't find true happiness here. What worries me is advice I get from my D.C. friends that aren't yuppies, and that it takes a lot of strength to deal with atmosphere in D.C.

However, part of me is thinking my future lies out in Boulder, CO, or Denver Co. I have family and friends in the area. It would not be as big a crap shoot as moving to WV was. It makes it a lot easier to get a start when you have one or both around you. I used to frown on people who did something like that, thinking they were settling or being weak -- they weren't going to a location because that's where the 'action' is, they were going there so they wouldn't be alone. And they would live out their days like, as Robert A. Heinlein, "the people who don't think and don't matter." Now I just understand that others have valued family more than I have, and its 'value' on my list of priorities has begun to change.

***

This all started from a conversation I had with my co-workers at work. We were discussing the worst way to go. One person's worst way was to burn to death. You feel the first 60% of your body burn all the way to a hot crisp. Its agony all the way until the end. The other was buried alive, forced to suffocate like those miners. Or waking up in a coffin, buried alive, facing such a confined space with little space to move, and no hope of escape.

Mine was a fear I've witnessed close up: Wasting away for years, to die a medicated mess. Eaten alive on the inside by malignant masses. Every treatment a drain on your family's strength and resources. Being a burden. Having people I love hope that I someone how beat the odds -- the death sentence pronounced multiple times by multiple oncologists -- but knowing I'm going to die anyway. That I'm past the point of no return. Everyone just sitting around watching me get worse, waiting for me to die.

Fuck burning alive. At least that's quick. And when the all the nerves in your body have failed, you'll be a in a pain free state of shock induced calm. At least you'll know that compared to what I fear, its relatively quick.

So really, the question that started it all isn't "What's the worst way to die?" but the complement of it: How do I want to live?

Labels: late night thoughts, life is short, personal, ramblings

Last week in Pittsburgh with Megan:
Me: "I'm so bad at line dancing it's not funny" (said while at a swing dancing lesson).
Her: "Really?"
Me: "Actually, it IS funny."
--Before learning (for like the 5th time) how to dance the charleston.

Now:
I'm in NYC. For a java developer conference. My trip took like 10+ hours because of PennDOT's decision to close 3 lanes of I-78E 50 miles before Jersery. I know one of my co-workers boyfriend works there -- everyone else associated with PennDOT, I wish painful, nasty things upon. It took me two grueling hours to travel something like 2 miles. All for fixing a few potholes on the interstate. Its 1:30 and I'm going to bed, I have to be up by six so I can make the registration. Then its 12 hours (give or take) of presentations.

But Nick, my friend who's putting me up for the night seems really cool.
I'm sleeping late tomorrow. But I might cut my shopping short so that I can beat the construction on I-78 (its nighttime only construction) back and not have to spend 12 hours driving.

All the best to everyone. I'm also in grad school for the readers who didn't know via Soapbox.

Labels: late night thoughts, new york city, personal, ramblings, road trips, soapbox, swing dancing, traffic

I broke up with my girlfriend.

That's the closest I can come to really talking about. I want to remain friends with her. I just need to find if what I want out of life really exists, and if so, find it. And that will take some considerable thought, luck, and time. All I have is now.

All anyone has is now.

I need to focus.
I need to forget.
I need to remember.
I need to dream.

And I don't really know what I need. I'm just rattling my chains to make noise.

Here's a story. Here's some meat for everyone to chew on.

My first relationship, with Christine, ended in a similar fashion to this one. Which is to say one-sided. And I could accept her wishes. What really stung, what really hurt, was having a close mutual friend tell me that she hadn't been in love with me for months, and was simply going through the motions and trying to enjoy her time with me until she left for college.

Not only did I kill the messenger (I haven't ever spoken to her since, not even when I heard she just barely made it out of NOLA alive before the levees broke) but I deeply resented Christine. Enough that when she came home that summer and gave me ample opportunity to cheat on her boyfriend with her, I passed on each one. For knowing that every tear, every bit of idle chatter, every teeter or gasp or coo was coming through a wall I was blind to -- that hurt more than I let anyone know.

When she stopped coming to my birthday parties in college, I stopped calling her. And I never spoke of her name since. I started dating Jing that night and all the rest is history. I never let Christine know that the bitterness that frightened both of us was her doing.

I never knew what it was really like from her perspective, and I never granted her any credit. How you could do that to a person? I realize now it is not deliberate; it is out of the need to protect them. Now, I understand what she went through. Now I can forgive. I would forgive (and understand) those who hate me for suffering as I did suffer, and hope they never have to understand why I am the way I am.

And so it goes. Posts will get a lot less personal after this one for a while.

Labels: love, narcissim, personal

A lively discussion on my soapbox mailing list has sprung up about whether or not some people on the list are 'rational' in their decision to be 'child-free'. 'Child-free' is an expression used in Europe to denote that a couple is not childless, but they choose not to have children.

My former supervisor and CS204 team-mate had this to say:

My wife and I never had kids because there didn't seem to be any reason *to* have them. I notice that, in the great majority of cases where people do have them, they didn't think about it much, they had kids just because 'that's what you do, you get married and have kids'. That doesn't seem to me like a good reason. Actually, I'm not convinced that really wanting kids is even a good reason. Many people who think they really want kids really want unconditional love, or someone to control, or they think it will strengthen their marriage (in my quite possibly non-representative
observation). So I'm childless for basically the same reason I'm atheist:
By default.

Its Sunday, July 29th (as the post date will tell you) and I find that statement pretty representative of my thoughts/feelings at this particular moment. However, another close friend has raised this point:

Well I have to say one thing,

It would be a bit of a bummer if [deleted] didn't have kids... insofar as I'd much rather have someone like you raising a kid than most of the people who crank out the ankle biters like skittles. At least if you raise a kid they will probably have a level head and the ability to think critically and make intelligent decisions. MANY kids aren't taught that, even ones from semi-educated families.

So.. moving on. When I was young I wasn't sure if I wanted kids or not. Now I am sure I want to have children. I've put tremendous amount of thought into this subject, and I realize how it's a mind boggling amount of work, time effort and emotion and will probably be more draining sometimes than anything I can imagine. However, just about everybody I know that I would say is an older but similar version of me seem happier than I've ever seen them with their kids. They say it's the greatest learning experience of their life.

So for me at least, I think if you realize that you probably can't even grasp the gravity of it and you are prepared for it, having kids is probably the most rewarding and most difficult thing you will ever do. My parents put great time and thought before they had me, and they opted to not have another I think because they felt like 1 was more than enough to try and get right. I can say that my mom, knowing her, would probably not know what to do if she didn't have me as a project.

I think (and I can only speculate here and draw from those that have kids) but if you are aware that you can never be totally prepared to be a parent but that it will surprise you more than anything you can imagine, you are probably ready to have kids and probably should.

Personally I'm excited to have kids and I've put a lot of thought into it over the last few years. I've tried to observe for the last few years those parents whom I admire and mentally noted what they've done that seems to work. I think the beauty of kids is that they will always surprise you and you probably will grow more in the process of trying to raise both a dynamic individual and instill in them the lessons you've learned. For most people I know that have kids, they basically say that kids will make you more angry and frustrated than you've ever been and they will also bring you more joy than you've ever known. If you want an even keel life, don't have kids. You won't however, get bored.

-[name deleted]

Also food for thought.
I think many people do have children because its considered the traditional thing to do: Settle down. But I don't think its right to have kids unless you know its possible to experience boundless love for a person. A love that grows day after day. A love that is so certain you know it will not fade with the passing of time. It resonates out from the core of your very being.

In essence, tawdry, paperback romance novel fairy tale love.

I can honestly say I have never experienced a love without an upper bound. And were I in to the future, I believe I would be too risk adverse to risk 'rocking the boat' to change that 'success formula' that is working out for me so well.

I think to feel comfortable having a child with someone I would need to be a completely different person or it would slowly kill me inside. I would need to be transformed in a better me. But I'm not one to swallow my pride and seek help. I'm not one to admit any need for salvation. So here I stand, aware, finally, that I'm not the last in my line (since I made contact with my father's two brothers that he never told me he had in the past year) and meekly stare out to the future. I'm predicting more of the same.

And at the same time, less of it.

Labels: kids, life is short, love, personal, soapbox

As a gopher for a local florist growing up, I learned that the biggest lesson you'll learn in life is its all about "Hurry up and wait". Its conventional wisdom that we'll rush through a lot of things in life -- I'm just realizing that July is almost gone -- and that you wait for a lot of things in life. Sometimes its the waiting for things that may not come that drives you mad.

I'm talking, of course, about waiting for my GRE analytical score. My Analytical will determine if I'm admitted to the WVU Computer Science Master's program, or if I have to re-take the GRE (at a lovely $140 expense) and do better to get in.

Why was this driving me mad? Because my landlord only gave out one mail key for both my girlfriend and myself -- and she took it with her to Jersey. And when she checks the mail and we find no analytical score -- I find myself relieved. Its out of sight, out of mind; Tomorrow is Hawaiian Shirt Friday.

So to counteract the stress eating from all this waiting, I put myself through another sprint work out, and this time met with better results. My upper abs still feel torn up, but its the kind of pain I like -- the good work out pain. 2 miles jogged, 4x100 meter sprints. Its nothing exceptional, but its a good start for working out. I'm holding off looking for a gym until I know whether or not I'm a WVU grad student.

JoniSue and I are planning a return trip to Arden with some friends. I was lucky, but I almost died there. Had I my head hit the rock at a different angle, had I been knocked unconscious and pushed downstream, I would be dead right now.

The last time I went there, everything was fine, but I was very, very, very sure in my footing. And I was really more worried about someone else taking a fall onto a rock and hitting their head than me being injured. My girlfriend doesn't exactly have cat like reflexes and balance. This time, I plan on returning and actually relaxing. My goal is to let go of my fear. This doesn't mean I won't be cautious about my movements, but I don't plan on forcing a smile for the sake not showing the slightest bit of my mortality realization.

Its late and thunder storming. The play of flashing light and thunderous sounds is somehow calming tonight. I'm exhausted and I'm going to crash. Viva la weekend.

Labels: Arden, life is short, personal, ramblings, trips, weekend

"No wonder now
I finally found
the right forumla for me

you taught me how
I play the fool
every mistake I make
I couldn't have made without you

what's said is done
and plain to see
you take it all too seriously
here's what you get from me."
(Get Up Kids, Action and Action, Something to Write Home About)

Sorry about that. The Get Up Kids just bring me back, and my iPod brought them up at the right time. It brought me back to the days where I was allowed to be a jackass on Bucknell's Radio Station, WVBU.

Highlights of this weekend:

We waited in line for the harry potter book and the madness of the Barnes and Noble in Squirrel Hill. A bunch of teens were dressed up as dementors. They stayed in character even as the humor value went stale.

Sandcastle Water park (located behind the Costco at the Waterfront) was a very fun time. As lame as it sounds, I think watersides are my new 'thing'. Coasters always freak me out. So I've never really been down with Kenny wood for the most part. Sandcastle was a lot of fun and a good way to get some sun on a Saturday afternoon. My friends from home didn't join us but I'm not going to really go into details. I just hope their relationship is okay after whatever went down.

The shadyside bar crawl was much shorter and tamer for me because Erin fell and twisted her ankle, and I stayed with her while she iced it and read Harry Potter. I played 'Gears of War' single player on 'Hardcore' and frankly felt unimpressed. I have a co-worker who rants about how next-gen the game was, but console AI is still a joke to me. I've played so much Return To Castle Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory that I'm used to human-level AI when it comes to combat.

I'm used to enemies doing this thing called "working together" to get what's called a "multiplier of force" so that killing the two of them is harder than killing either one of them individually. I'm used to artillery that is constantly targeting your defense positions. Players that lie in wait and only open fire when they've already got the head shot lined up. Console AI is still so primative it like those traveling shooting galleries of the old west where you shoot the target and hear "ping" and it falls down. All the HD graphics in the world can't change the fact its more like a linear narrative, while online gaming in something like RTCW:ET is more like a pick-up sport. There's rules and boundaries, but that's it.

Oh yeah, Erin's ankle is okay.

Sunday I spent saying Goodbye to Greg. He's moving out to Boulder, CO. and taking a job as web developer. Greg talked a little bit about the break up with Kelly, and how its messy after breaking up with someone you've dated for two and half years and lived with. I can imagine. My last break up was about as messy as it gets. Leaving someone like that is a one-way hash function: You're going to come out the other side changed, and no way to get back what you were.

I wish him well. Greg is one of my friends that I know I never need to worry about. He's smart enough to solve his problems better than anyone I know. And I know I'll no doubt visit at some point.

Latest "Honesty Box" message on my facebook:

"In general you are very nice person and you seem like you would help just about anyone out... But you can be quite annoying! You don't seem to have a clue to a lot of social things in life nor do you know how to take a hint. Sometimes you .. are almost inconsiderate of others needs, like sleep and such."

I regret that I exist as a dichotomy of social/anti-social but its what happens when I'm in a "rural" area, and yes, I feel more than qualified in calling Morgantown "rural" since I just reminded myself what REAL traffic and REAL road construction is kinda like by spending a weekend driving around Pittsburgh. I don't get together with people to just watch TV. I'm a different person outside of a weekend social setting. I regret that nobody we've made friends just likes to stay in. Or read in a coffee shop. Or calls outside of the weekend. (Matt C. I'm excluding you from this generalization because you actually make an effort.)

Its insulting when you realize there's people in your life that need alcohol to be around you. And would probably be too hungover to help you in an hour of need. In my desire to seek out fun, I've found some of the same crowd from which I fled. Life is too short to deal with fair weather friends and people who're one way streets. I have a feeling a tangential shift in my life is coming, and soon.

Labels: life is short, personal, ramblings, thoughts

Tomorrow I get to participate in the largest meeting of my career. It's the first time I've been asked to wear a full business suit to work. Usually the witty t-shirt and ripped jeans will play. I've been meaning to go to bed, but a nap has spoiled me, and I've been up thinking and ironing shirts.

Some minor updates

• Transformers is of course, awesome. Loved it.


• Harry Potter wasn't half bad. I saw it with the girlfriend over the weekend.


• I went hiking at Cooper's Rock and it wasn't half bad. That's a nice way to start off your saturday.


• Erin and I attended an above ground pool party with her co-workers in the mental health profession. It was one of those times in my life where I'm reminded that when it comes to binge drinking, I'm still in the little leagues. I can't drink too much shitty beer because it makes me feel full and it tastes worse when chugged. I can't do crazy "expresso sized" shots of jager. Those make me puke (especially when warm). On the other hand, my baby plays a mean game of flip cup.


• Here's the Family Guy 300 trailer. This will leave you in stiches.


• I added the honesty box on Facebook -- it's a "mini-app" that lets people basically write you anonymous messages. Here's the only message I've received:

  "i have had a crush on you forever. You are so cute and funny and smart. but alas nothing will ever happen. good luck in life i know you will go far."

  In my group of friends, there's no telling who wrote that. Or if they were serious. Its one of those things that will drive you mad if you think about it. But its pretty easy to let go.


• I want to see I am Legend so bad. It looks awesome.

I take the GREs on Thursday. I'm prepared and I know what to expect, but I still a little jittery about it. Anyone who wants to wish me luck is more than welcome.

I'm also sorry to my two best friends that left Fairmont but are in town this weekend. I'd love to spend time with both of you, but there's some pressing stuff going on right now, otherwise I'd be out with you right now.

Labels: late night, links, personal, Reddit, video, youtube

I got into a car accident today. I rear ended someone. I managed to hit them so lightly, that the only damage was that I put some of the "dark wax" that I had buffed onto my car that day (to hide scratches) was transfered onto their car.

But I did exchange insurance information. And it still sucked.


Grad School application is complete. Transcript has been over nighted to WVU. GREs scheduled for next thursday. I'm planning on throwing a party afterward. Wings. Gamecube. Liquor. That's how I get over standardized tests.

Labels: personal, ramblings, thoughts

When I was 17, my first girlfriend gave me a treasury of poems compiled by Sarah Anne Stuart. Its a popular tome. Inscribed in it is my favorite love poem, the human touch by Spencer Michael Free.

The Human Touch

Tis the human touch in this world that counts,
The touch of your hand and mine,
Which means far more to the fainting heart
Than shelter and bread and wine;
For shelter is gone with the night is o'er.
And bread lasts only a day,
But the touch of the hand and the sound of the voice
Sing on in the soul always.

Every time my faith in the world is shaken, I re-read this wisdom.
Its short, sweet, and to me, meaningful. Due to some grad school-related stress, I've felt the need to reach deep and find something to calm down my otherwise high-strung self.

I hope this wisdom can help you, the reader of this page, through a trying time as well.

Labels: love, personal, ramblings

"Stay Stay Stay" By Bedford, off of Smiles Are The Batteries (link below)

It may be true I've fallen for you
and its the worst single thing I could do

For if you knew how I really feel
you would be scared away
I think you know what I'm going to say
Stay .... Stay ... Stay ...

it may be true I'm kinda blue
and just one sure fuck you
say night good and good morning night
I swear my intentions are pure

I think you know what I'm going to say
stay stay stay
true

its meaning to you
and I guess its time you knew
this night won't end
with us as friends
you know what I want to do

I think you know what I'm going say
Stay Stay Stay

and if you don't believe me
I swear every word and you know its true
and if you don't believe me
i said i said i said "I do"

it may true
it may be right
we'll figure it all out after tonight
so close that door
its almost four
we've only got two hours till the light



I think you know what I'm going say
Stay Stay Stay

and if you don't believe me
I swear every word and you know its true
and if you don't believe me
i said i said i said i said "I do"

I can't believe I've fallen for you
and its the worst single thing I could do
'cause if you knew how I truly feel
you would be scared away
I think you know what I'm going to say
Stay.....Stay.....Stay.....
04-bedford_-_stay_stay_stay-fkk.mp3


Another song that always brings me back. I remember singing along to this live. Go Local Scene.

Labels: indie rock, lewisburg, love, music, personal, ramblings, thoughts

# posted by Chris Wilson : 2:39:00 PM  1 comments links to this post

I thought I'd post a few of my favorite things on my website. Friends are of course welcome to comment.


First off: Favorite Bond that does not involve Sean Connery:

What can I say? The Bad Boy Bond rocks.

This next picture is a "screw up". I was trying to take a self portrait of Melissa (my friend's wife) and me when home for thanksgiving this past year. I ended up photographing a picture of her eye, and my teeth. She constantly tells me I'm a horrible photographer. She probably hates this picture. Me, I love it. Even though its a screw up, you can tell we were happy when this picture was taken. That's all the picture was meant to say. And it makes me smile when I think of the good times with hometown heros, especially when I miss them.


Here's the finished product. Its not half bad, either.


Here's my favorite "Me Expressing My Thoughts About the Greek System @ Pitt" Picture. But I'm not bitter.


Favorite Cat / Chinese Cooking Picture.

My new thing is shoes. I guess the "drool for shoes" aspect of JPOD (by Douglas Coupland) rubbed off on me. I'm really into cool shoes. These are my new running shoes -- Addias Goodyears. They're made from recycled race car tires. They're designed for distance road races. They look like golf cleats. And they were $39.99 on sale.






Here's my other favorite pair of shoes. These are "Diesel" brand shoes. Very, very comfortable. I'd recommend a pair to anyone that can afford them. (They're $80 when not on sale, which is pricey to me.) Girls, don't miss out. If you have big feet, see if you can fit into a men's size 8 and try them on.





Favorite Car Picture I've recently taken: This one. Its a Lotus. It was parked in the last line of parking spaces at my grocery store.






Favorite Comedian: David Cross. His stand up is incredibly raw and political and angry, and I like it that way.



Favorite License Plate: This one.

Labels: blogging, cars, cat, Frat's Suck, movies, personal, pictures, ramblings

Those Kneepads -- Originally Written and Performed by Bedford
From the Album, "Smiles Are The Batteries"

Before she left she told just how faithful she would be
she said she loved me and said this just before she left me
"Don't you ever change -- I hope you stay the same.
Its hard to find a heart so true."

Now here's where things get strange
When she got back she changed
While I was waiting here at home.
She spoke of other men
And what she'd done with them.
While I was waiting all alone.
I said,
"I thought those kneepads that I
bought you were for soccer!"

Her reply was cruel
"Devotion is for fools
Who wear their hearts upon their sleeve
Don't you ever change?
You stayed the fucking same.
I can't believe you waited for me."


This song hits me in the same place every time. Because I was going through something just like it when I was going to their shows, and this song, even though it was already 2 years old, hit me harder than it did the first time. I can't separate the emotional intensity of this song to me -- it brings me back.

Sometimes its feels good to just feel a little angry.

Labels: lewisburg, music, personal

I hope she turns up. I really, really do.

Labels: kittens, personal

We had the worst move.

Waterbed siphon broke, so draining the waterbed is next to impossible.

Budget lost our rental reservation. I went in earlier that week to confirm it and was basically told that "its all good. See you Saturday". When Saturday comes around, same said psychotic gas station employee / budget rent-a-truck guy claims I "never made a reservation".

Thankfully, U-Haul was understanding. Even if their truck had 170,000 miles on it, broken A/C, and an exhaust leak that made the entire engine sound like a giant, ticking time bomb.

Also, at first, no one helped, so something like 70% of our stuff was moved by ourselves. In the middle of the day. In 90 degree heat.

But then some friends did show up, we went to a late lunch, and everything -- and I mean everything -- was easier from that point.

Labels: personal

I've been meaning to write an update for a while, but with a move going on, seeing a friend off before he leaves for Australia, and just the usual apathy to blog about what little goes on my life that I feel comfortable broadcasting on the internet have led to a minor back up in content worth writing about.

I've been reflecting a lot. And I've been thinking about Patterns. In the terminology of a software engineer, a Pattern is supposed to be a term that describes a problem or solution to a problem. This way, previously recognized problems that have already been addressed by optimal solutions can be accurately described between one engineer and another -- they're 'above the domain'. (You can find a basic definition and more about the phrase "Design Pattern" here.

I've been thinking about Patterns with respect to personal interaction or personal relationships. I want to explicitly state that I'm steering away from archetype or stereotypes in a way to classify the people you meet. I'm more interested in how a pattern, or at least an acknowledged similarity in situations and interactions, and it gives us a predictability with respect to people that fall into that pattern.

Here's an example of the kind of predictive power I'm talking about. In my first relationship, my love at the time left for college before I did. In fact, where she went to college pretty much decided for me where I was going to go to college. I went to visit her in October, and that's where I met one of her close friends, Brad. Sometime during watching Rocky Horror Picture Show on halloween, Brad started playing with a Sharpie marker, and started writing on my girlfriend. Harmless flirting, right?

Fast forward a year until I'm a freshmen in college with my good friend M.H. M.H. had a cute asian boyfriend that was a guitarist for a semi-popular band at temple. They were trying to do the whole distance relationship thing. M.H. definitely had her doubts about it, but she was in love and headstrong about it, which is really the only way to be about it, and when she went to visit him at Temple, she discovered that several girls has written on his stomach and hips with a sharpie marker.

Now, my only evidence here is anecdotal, and had they lasted through college (which, when you evaluate the odds statistically speaking, was practically zero unless one of them transferred after the first year. Let's all just acknowledge that the only two things relationships have going for them are geographical proximity and the momentum of the relationship. Losing one and you've still got one engine left on which to limp around with. Lose both and you're plummeting out of the sky.) my point would be null and void, but I guess my point is that I've been hanging around college-age students since I was 16. So for the past 9 years I've watched people go through the same struggles over and over -- myself included.

I have seen people deal with the fear of being liked and fitting into the group -- again and again. I have seen people deal with the fear of rejection by pushing away or over-compensating. I've seen the couples where both people are too apathetic to make any changes in their life which would really result in their hapiness -- they are doomed to be each other. I have seen one person put it all on the line for the love of another, only to have to slink off to the corner and lick their wounds.

In some ways, I can predict the endings and they seem as packaged as the series finale of friends. In others, I know I have the ability to change the discourse -- and the direction, but so far, at least here in WV, I've made a point to stay out of people's lives. Let their business be their business.

The reason I've been reflecting upon this so much because I've noticed a certain stability about my pattern since graduation. I've been the graduate who's sticking around and making friends with college students that can go to bars. I'm not ashamed of it, as I'm only so personable and I had to make friends when I moved to an area where I knew nobody, but I feel its been one of the factors of my life that's inhibiting my personal development. I've been the guy showing off what little success I've had and showing people what might be "the smarter set" of options for them to consider when they're graduates. I find it easy to involve myself and advise people on the little problems that border on the menial intrigues of life.

It's like being the oldest. You can guide people through the paths you've walked and tell them about the decisions you've made and the regrets you have, but you don't really know what's over the next horizon. You know a few people buying their first house, their first 'dream car' or simply building a home entertainment center on credit card, but you don't see any of the real struggles or problems, and you're not part of that loop where they'd come to you for help, so there's no pattern for you copy in your own happiness.

You have to blaze a trail. And you alone have to hope it ends up leading towards that elusive goal of long term happiness.

I'm trying to come up with a strategy that's better than "this works for me" and "allow me to defend what's working for me to people who I feel do not share my unconventional world views". And that requires growth. Growth at this point isn't something that's hard to come by these days, but direction is. I need a direction to grow.

For geeks, as I've said before, the direction that seems most natural is what I call the 'horizontal' growth. Learn more career related skills. Branch out more. Increase your employability. I can do that all I want, but at the end of the day, I don't think the programming language I sling code in is going to have a measurable effect in my quality of life in the long term compared to devoting my energy into other efforts to do so.

What's a geek to do when there's no existing tribal wisdom for what ails him?

Labels: late night, life is short, personal, ramblings, thoughts

Cinco De Mayo this year was definitely about hedonism here in my little sector of the universe. I saw this because instead of tossing back a drink or two and sobering up before I even felt tipsy, I entered that state of entertainingly drunk where someone was actually able to convince me that the phrase, "You're the biggest douchebag I know" is actually a compliment, and half succeeded.

I'd like to point out to anyone that's actually reading this via my facebook blog feed on my profile that facebook is NOT Las Vegas. After being told who my new office roommate is going to be in a month, when she graduates from WVU's graduate CompSci program, I immediately found her on facebook. I messaged her and sent a friend request. Just trying to welcome her to her new career. I have not been face booked back. This could be that she is not addicted to face book like some of the people that I know, or that after viewing my profile, she's decided to hit up Monster.com and find somewhere else to work, but the devilish part of me wonders if she read the message and thought to hide pics of her drinking for fear of giving a bad impression.

Wait till she learns our company has an open bar at the company Christmas party, and how the team I'm on, since we've had a good year, celebrated with a huge helping of shots. Without naming any names, somebody who's never puked before met Mr. Jagerbomb and defiled a bathroom at Bent Willey's.

I guess I'm talking about this because of the obvious: Change causes trepidation. Especially the little changes. I have less stress over the decision to move here from Pittsburgh than I do knowing that in a few weeks I'll be occupying my supervisor's old office. All the space issues I have with my current office mate have been worked out. When I have an ocular migraines, he's comfortable working with the lights out, even as I struggle through the aftershock headache once I get my vision back. I know to crank my iPod volume up when he's doing metrics for his system -- they always seem to backfire at times and require a reboot of his system once or twice. This involves a lot of swearing on his part. He doesn't even look twice when I walk in later than usual with no real excuse except "I plan on staying late today" (this usually means I was unable to hear my alarm -- which is just my cell phone -- or I simply overslept from a late night.)

So I'm curious to know if I'm going to be able to ramble on about xkcd comics and "The Office" or if I'll have to incorporate more of the 'chit chat' style of talking: What's the difference between a 'classic' and an 'open' golf tournament. How about them mountaineers? Talk about this beautiful/crazy/depressing/enjoyable weather we're having so much of today? What's the deal with this memo from HR?

If you can't tell, I still carry a protective 'shell' around me at work. Maybe because between my last workplace experience and a relationship without trust have left me partially open to the idea that I'm just a difficult person to be around.

The progression goes 'quirky' to 'difficult' to 'douchebag' (one again, a tip of the hat and a wag of the finger to Ms. Sly -- you're quite the cheeky one.) to 'total asshole'. And while I've never vowed to be so hateful and petty as the 'top performers' at my last work place -- who, as the universe as my witness -- must've been sexually aroused by the thought of humiliating people they worked with -- I'd like to think that I leave the more abrasive parts of my personality at home. I have a job to do.

And so do the people around me.

So while there are articles appearing left and right (usually because some PR firm paid for them that you're to scrub and sanitize your myspace and facebook profile as employers are looking in with that 'we don't get it' and 'we are a morality police, and if you so much as drink a beer in your free time and/or enjoy life, we will hire someone else' I say embrace the hedonism. Let go a little. People who work hard play hard. And an entry level salary is a poor excuse for why you're conforming, anyway.

Whatever you do, be proud of it. Let go and embrace it. Just don't start up a blog about how much you love your 4 cylinder sports sedan, your cats, and other things that people don't really care about. It bores all of us to tears.

Labels: life is short, personal, ramblings, thoughts

I am a geek, and like all geeks, I know a little something about myself. I know that I've gotten into the zone before when it comes to developing. Its that lucid moment of azure brilliance when the entire system you're working on clicks. You can see its future shape, in its entirety, and all movements to implement it fade out of consciousness. You are no longer actively creating it here, planning ahead on what modules will be impacted by your most recent changes, but simply willing the visualized system into its perfect form. Everything else becomes white noise.

Days like that are precious. Not just because work wise you're able to leap over tall buildings with a single bound, but because that sense of accomplishment can negate stress in a way nothing else can.

I'm not having any days like this recently. Without a hot streak, work can drag on. Little stresses, like tiny cracks in a dam, feel like they're expanding. You feel downtrodden. Like its continually day 3 of quitting smoking.

And its not because of anything work related. In fact, I feel that the cause is what's happening outside of work. My life is getting more complex faster than I can scale. In short, I am overwhelmed, and there's no quick fix, so I end up doing what little I can, plowing through the mess, and losing as little sleep over it as possible.

It sounds naive, but I know myself, and I like life on auto pilot. Searching for new apartments, shopping for better insurance, tuning up my car in less than scheduled intervals, dealing with new medical benefits, all of it. Its disruptive to my concentration. With all that in the forefront of my brain, how am I supposed to have that flash of inspiration in the shower that shows me how to fix a show stopping bug that's left everyone clueless for a week in 15 minutes?

Its a quirk. Some people can deal with complexity better than others. I know people who keep signing up for 0% APR credit cards for the first year and moving all their debt around. Me, I worry about how all that revolving credit adds up, and keeping track of each card to me and what perks and point that come with just seems like a waste of brain space. I prefer the method of sticking with the cards that you have and avoid paying interest by not carrying a balance.

Some people can sign up for some free trial service for a perk, and avoid paying a dime for it by returning said perk or canceling said perk before the 30-day trial period is up. I know they're counting on me to forget and make most of their money by having people get burned by their scam trial. That con outweighs any pro to me.


It boils down to the "life as a system" view. I know I inherently prefer non-orthogonal systems, where as your life is orthogonal. One thing affects another. An example of this domino effect is here: Your commute affects your morning mood. Your morning mood affects your afternoon mood. Your afternoon mood affect your evening mood. And so on. (I don't really have a commute, since I live 2.0 miles from parking space to parking space, its just an example).

I would very much not hate the devil's in the details digging around that is forced upon me from time to time if they were less orthogonal in terms of impact.

Labels: late night, personal, ramblings

You know how some people have that "happy place"?

Today I ended up in the opposite of the happy place -- the "terror place".

It looks a lot like the clown bed that made Bart Simpson state, "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me...."

Labels: personal, ramblings

I just bought a new Sony Handycam camcorder. I'm pretty stoked by it. Decent Image quality. MiniDV tape storage. Firewire interface. The "Night Shot" -- made famous by Pairs Hilton. Electronic Image Stabilization. Upgradeable Lens. Tripod Capable. Can utilize bluetooth microphones. All the cool features I need to start humiliating myself (and friends) on YouTube.

I got it on sale. It was also the floor model. It was cheap.

And it sounds ridiculous to announce that when I'm in a mode of fiscal responsibility. I am now tracking transactions using
Buddi, an open-source money management software. By tracking my money, it can help me learn where I splurge or mis-manage my assets. Or so the theory goes. We shall see, n'est-ce pas?

I've also recently taken steps to find cheaper car insurance (but maintain the same coverage) and while its been a hassle filing out so many applications, the end result is that I've found a place that will be $168/year cheaper. As dumb as it sounds, it pays the shop around.

I've also researched my credit history, and surprise surprise, found three black marks that did not belong to me. They're being removed as we speak.

And as lame as this sounds, I've started saving for a house. Its a long term thing, but that's how compound interest works in your favor. Again, we'll see how long I can maintain the discipline of saving 10% of my income.

But there's even bigger news than all the bullshit number crunching I've been doing. My SO got into grad school. She'll be getting her master's in counseling. Everyone is excited for her, and relieved to know that she got in.

This means two things: I'll probably be moving to Morgantown sometime soon, probably this summer, and that I'll probably be paying all of the rent. Hopefully I can carpool with some of my Morgantown dwelling co-workers.

While waiting for my SO to get home, I played Resident Evil 4 again. I love that game. I've beaten it twice, going on three times. I am on the "PRO" difficulty. Its insane. I have no ammo. Or health. I am fighting off zombies with a pocket knife. This game was a 24th birthday gift, or anniversary gift, or something my SO got me for Valentine's. I'm still playing it because when I lived in my older apartment here in Fairmont, living by myself, I played this game in the dark for hours at a time. It was terrifying. You start to run from a zombie to get breathing room and time to reload, and they chase you the moment your back is turned. When you turn around to face you un-living enemy, they're right there. You're about to be grabbed.

I can play this game, easily, without a need to move on to the next generation of "Hi-Def" gameplay. "High Definition" comes from storyline, voice acting, interactive cut scenes, and gameplay. Not graphics. Its a mistake people make everytime a system comes out, with new "proof of concept games".

But still, I lust for crackdown. I won't deny that at all. And when my friend, the Saint of all Chucks, turns 25 this friday/saturday and officially becomes old and lame (as I did, when I turned 25) I'm hoping my friend Bill will actually haul his lame ass out of his apartment, and bring his Xbox 360 with him, so that we can engage in a systemlink co-op game of crackdown.

Labels: cars, gadgets, personal

No real posts in the past two weeks. Just links to articles found off social networking sites. Where have I been?

I've been stewing.

First, for the better part of this silent period, I have been under the weather. Sick with an infection that has demonstrated its resistance to anti-biotic treatments. Even the best effort to suppress the symptoms have led to me just feel a giant sack of crap.

Second, I received a raise at work, and I have been enjoying it. That's all I have to say about the subject of compensation.

Third, I really, really hate Internet Explorer 7. With a passion that only people who write web software can truly hate the steam pile of putrid dogshit that passes for "The #1 Web Browser in America".

Fourth, I've finally hit the over 25 wall. Its the end. Your soul literally begins to shrivel. Or at least it feels like it. As any fan of Neal Stephenson knows, every guy thinks they have the potential to be the biggest bad ass the world's ever seen up until they're 25. They tell themselves, "If I went to a monastery and studied martial arts" or "If I was diagnosed with cancer and spent my last life eliminating street crime" or "If drug lords killed a loved one and I swore revenge".

But after 25, a much more "reality-based" assessment of their abilities sets in. Allow me to demonstrate the difference in thought process between a pre-25 year old and post-25 year old in certain situations:

IRS Refund: I'm getting some money back this year. Not as much as I have in previous years, but enough that it makes large purchases possible. (P.S. you're completely welcome for the interest free loan, uncle sam.)

Pre-25 thought process: Sweet. Now is the time to upgrade my car's stereo system so that its 400W. And get a head unit that it connects to my iPod. And now I can get an Xbox 360 and an HD TV. That'll be totally killer. And with whatever money I have left over, I can use that to get some mirrors installed in my bedroom to go with the waterbed. It's gonna be totally sweet.

Post-25 thought process: I'm spending $35/month renting a washer/dryer set from my development. That's $420/year. It makes sense, since I am going to be renting for the foreseeable future, to purchase a washer dryer. It doesn't even have to be anything fancy, just high on the Energy Star rating. It's literally a cost-savings that will pay for itself. And my left over money can be placed in my high-interest savings account at ING Direct.

So yeah, this is where I've been.

Labels: me trying to be funny, personal

I'd like to respond to a comment left by RainDog:

In all seriousness though, I think the problem of young people being too narcissistic is very real, and all it takes is looking at American Idol to see the sort of self-delusion people get themselves into. There is value in finding the right balance between modesty and self-confidence. None of that gets inherently gets in the way of having a good time in your youth.

In a recent playboy interview by Simon Cowell, the "Asshole we love to hate" of American Idol fame, he points that brutal honesty is a rare commodity for teens, and when he tell a 17 year old singer at their first audition that they will never have a career in singing, some of them actually say, "Thanks for being upfront. You've saved me a lifetime of embarrassment and humiliation."

Anyway, for the sake of argument, since I have a feeling that if I do a good job of arguing my point, RainDog, with his poker face wisdom and succinct writing will promptly skewer me in a way that's both entertaining and education for all.

I don't think American Idol is narcissistic, unless of course, democracy and soap operas are by nature narcissistic. American Idol is basically a soap opera meets talent competition. There are some competitors you hate from the get go. Some you root for because you identify them as the underdog. Others are the clean cut, all American musician. Their character, or their persona, if you will, strikes a chord in us by resembling an archetype we easily identify with either positively or negatively.

And towards the end of the show, the text messaging/dialing in votes for a nominal fee is the way the finalists "win" American Idol.

How is this narcissistic compared to the old days where they only way a musical group could get any traction in the mainstream was endless self promotion that resulted in selling out to whatever recording representative decided to make you offer?

If anything, American Idol teaches us what's wrong with democracy, not kids these days. People should be charged for the right to vote (and no, I don't mean taxes, I mean a simple, "To vote in today's presidential election, it will cost $1.99" surcharge. When you consider how many people will vote over and over for their favorite artist, spending in excess of $10 on text messaging the show, it seems that a little bit of marketing and commercialism could perhaps raise our pathetic voter turn out. Maybe Simon should be moderating our next presidential debate.

The other "big two" people point their fingers at when denouncing this modern generation are the social networking sites that target the young. Namely, Facebook and MySpace.com.

However, these arguments are basically groundless and here's why: Its just a website. Where people share news and photos. Do you think that the college republicans of previous generations didn't have a scrapbook of photos and a historian? Do you think the fraternities and sororities of the last generation didn't assemble their photos into albums or make copies of photo prints for their friends?

They did. Its just that now the process has gone digital. And more and more people are being a little bit more open about -- the barrier of entry to one of your peer's social group has been lowered. If just slightly. Can a complete stranger find embarrassing pictures of someone they know on Facebook? Sure. Could this damage someone's career? Maybe, but I'm going to say doubtful.

I find the whole "these pictures of drinking and smoking will make it harder for you to get a job" argument to be essentially groundless. Lost opportunities? Is it an opportunity to work for an employer that's going to turn around a month after hiring me and say, "Who is this person? They're not at all like the person I interviewed a month ago...". I think not.

Our generation is living in a time when openness is revealed as the idea. 50 years ago, psychologists would been busy committing anyone who admitted they were a homosexual. Society tried to brush it under the rug as a mental disease. Now, if you're on a college campus, you'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't have a gay friend. And while ignorance, intolerance, and bad jokes are still prevalent, the tolerance displayed today is a bit more than a baby step from electro-shock therapy.

What is one of the most unifying rallying cry of both left and right with respect to U.S. politics? Transparency. Its another word for openness. Release the notes and attendance log of the energy policy meetings. Release the intelligence behind Iran's "meddling" in Iraq (or at least cite a source).

The argument has been made before, and will be made again, that the leaders of past cultural movements -- the Dylans and Doles, played their part during the times both because of their ideals and their profit motive. So while previous generations look down for our narcissism, we look back in hindsight and do the same.

Why is it narcissism when a teen rails against having a curfew in his blog, but altruism when Eric Meyer or Jeffery Zeldman rail against the poor Cascading Style Sheets support in IE7? Is Eric or Jeff being altruistic, even when conferences all across the country are offering them moneybags to come speak at keynotes and teach workshops on web standards and and clean layout design? Or can we concede there might be a bit of narcissism in their profit/reputation oriented blogging as well?

Labels: blogging, narcissim, personal, ramblings, thoughts, today's generation

I realize this isn't the best place for flowers, but cats tend to eat flowers, and roses can poison them, so I'm keeping them away from the cats.


Pink iPod shuffle. You know who I got this for.


The engraving on the back: Love, always and forever.

Labels: love, personal

I got an early call today. My SO was driving to work and went off the road. She's okay. On the way to pick her up, I spun out onto the grass going down the hill my development is on.

My tires were bald -- Patrick Stewart bald, if I can afford to coin the term. If not, just let it go -- I ended up getting four new high performance tires for my car. There's something about cars that makes me feel pimp. Besides that the fact that my friend Danni called me for car buying advice, and called my car "pimp" -- that's a quote.

One thing I've found about taking a week off from work is that returning to an in-progress development cycle makes you feel like you never left. While not a negative thing, it just makes me wish I hadn't returned to unfinished business.

I just got vonage. I got a portable WiFi phone. Think of it as a cell phone that only uses WiFi hotspots. Its mostly a back up phone, but I'm still pretty psyched. It seems pretty cool. I would recommend vonage to people who feel the need for a landline phone.

I've also tested out Skype's webcam chat between Mac Book Pro to Mac Book Pro. Its not as high quality as iChat. Skype picks up on background noise more, and the sound is a little bit more tinny, but, still, its pretty impressive.

So I now have way too many ways to communicate. I'm glad I can make that official.

Soapbox has been growing lately. Another psych major joined it. Casper has created an informal and totally unofficial (but with my blessing) summary of the members of soapbox. Its an inside joke, but I welcome all to check it out: click here.

Someone I know looks really good as a strawberry blonde. I thought I'd announce that publicly.

JS left for New York to pursue her career as a model and as an independent artist representative. Mario left for philly, because the music scene is obviously better in Philly for goth industrial music than it is here in Fairmont. He's giving himself a year to make it before he just packs it in, goes to college, and gets a real job. I'm pulling for him. Both are going to be greatly missed. They both were great friends -- the best of friends, that made Fairmont cool. Both of you need to keep in touch.

Wedding Crasher is quite possibly my favorite movie ever. If just because of Will Farrell's smart part as the end, as the pioneer of both crashing weddings and funerals. I love his lines, "Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac. Its not even fair, its like fishing with dynamite."

I've been listening to the second (and final) album of the indie-rock group, "The Anniversary" in my car non-stop. Worse, I've been singing along with wild abandon to the songs and chorus. Thankfully, the noise isn't escaping the car, but I'm really enjoying my butchering of the indie rock classics.

I got Kyle to join facebook. haha.

This is a bad week for innovators. The inventor of "Ramen Noodles", a staple of my diet in college, passed away this weekend. Shortly after him, the creator of Scooby Doo (where ARE you?) passed away at the ripe old age of 81.

I puked this new year's from too many Gin and Tonics. My cousin pretty much drank me under the table. I guess you could say that's karma, seeing as a recent christmas party, i was handing someone shots and tossing back water shots until he puked. I mention it here because I'm likely not going to hear the end of it until someone else gets nicknamed hank the tank by getting wasted at the company christmas party.

New Year's Resolutions:
To be more loving.
To be healthier. (This includes stopping the occasional bummed cigarette simply because you're bored at a bar and what not.)
Resume my gym schedule from last year.
Oracle Certs.
Keep reading more books by the Dali Lama.
And the half-serious ones:
Keep the apartment cleaner.
Become more of an early bird.


And now I sleep.

Labels: cars, late night, life is short, personal, Web Development

I backed up my entire music and iTunes TV show collection (features 2 seasons of Battlestar Galactica and a few months worth of Daily Show and Colbert Report) on to my Dreamhost account. 38GBs of music and TV took nearly a whole week with my connection.

I think its time for me to upgrade to the super fast connection.

Labels: dreamhost, music, personal