The Robot's Thoughts

Today was the toughest day I've ever had for keeping thoughts out of my head.

Maybe its the lack of sleep that I've gotten all week.

Maybe its the fact that I'm actually feeling like a part of the team at work and I have work to do. Like I'm a part of something again.

Maybe its the 1:45am phone call I got from a friend last night, on the verge tears. Sleep doesn't matter compared to old friend's troubles.

So my mind was everywhere today. I couldn't focus. It was frustrating. I even asked for help from the group after I felt I had wasted my hour in nature.

Their advice was simple:
1) This is part of the process. It was a busy day.
2) The two things you develop in meditation, awareness of what your mind does, and
focus. When you lose focus, at least be aware of it. Find your breathe. Sometimes you can't be one with the universe. Sometimes you can only be one with your breathe.
3) Mediate more. Even 5 minutes at work. As it becomes part of your daily life,

I didn't go out to Karaoke tonight. I'm helping a friend take her mind off somethings, and I'm doing laundry and finding my breathe. Tomorrow I'm going to meditate, and maybe if I'm feeling up to it, I might ask someone to walk with me through WVU's arboretum. But right now I long for solitude. Silence. Stillness.

6am wake up call. I'm surprised I'm even still awake. I took 4 capsules of valarian root, and joined my friend for a Cosmo. She's going to stay up on watch Bill Marhar on Demand while I retire once this final load of laundry is done.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, ramblings, thoughts

So my sister is doing a print for a Chesapeake Bay/Susquehanna River themed exhibition. She asked me to write a "zen poem" regarding the Susquehanna river, which ran through our town. She said she would use part or all of it in her print.

So this is something I whipped up -- using all three weeks of my zen mastery.
(Feel free to be critical of this. I'm hoping this showing up in facebook would get some of the more useless liberal arts majors to workshop my work. The gauntlet has been thrown down)

I am a stone in the riverbed,
water washing over me.
Polishing my rough edges
until I am nothing but sand.

I am a tadpole hatched in the river.
I swim against the current.
Anxiously awaiting the day,
I can drift merrily on a lily pad.

I am the current in the stream,
I guide without leading.
I know my destination,
But not the path I follow.

I am the island in the river,
current sweeping my muddy shore.
I play host to trees, frogs, and birds.
Isolated; alone but never lonely.

I am the Endless Mountain Range,
Eternal, Immovable, and unchanging in time.
Never have I felt the sun rise,
without your water flowing around me.

I am the Chesapeake Bay Wind,
I carry the river's scent to all creatures.
May they feel my gentle presence, and
Let it bring harmony to their spirit.

I am a wandering bird,
adrift in the wind.
Right where I need to be,
wings spread to soar.

I am a cloud high above the river.
I appear as quickly as I vanish.
My teardrops nourish all below.
Lasting joy in a fleeting existance.

So yeah. Get in touch with me if you have recommendations to make this suck less.

Labels: family, personal, poems, ramblings

Here's the link  (if it wants a username and password, use metafilter46/metafilter) to a NYTimes.com article by David Finch regarding how his marriage was on the rocks until he and his wife confronted the fact that he has Asperger's Syndrome, a autism spectrum disorder where people are "odd" or "neurotic" and high functioning.

It goes on to describe how he was able to "fake" being normal until they started living together and more and more time was spent. His wife, who worked with Autistic children, because to notice that he was "a bit off" socially and had repetitive behaviors. And that trying to talk to him about it drove him away. He shut down when confronted by it. But she worked at it, and so did he, and while not out of the woods yet, their marriage is saved and they're able to communicate. A good, short read.

It always brings to mine a close friend of mine that's always had problems outside of "functional" groups, or places where there's an "easy to feel" hierarchy. He took the Asperger's Quotient test and scored a 28. A 32 or higher is considered "seek out a professional for a real diagnosis". Its important to note that many people with A.S. lead normal, functioning lives. But others have problems building lasting relationships. I often wonder if the same techniques people are developing to teach compassion and empathy to those who only point of reference is themselves could help me navigate obstacles in my own journey inward.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, ramblings

Yesterday, I weighed myself with a scale I purchased this payday. Without anything but boxers on, my scales reads me as 193.2 lbs. This is the first time I've hovered above 190 for more than a week. This is also the heaviest I've ever been.

On the other hand, today on "Chest" day, I put up 185. And not as a max, either. Full set. It originally took me somewhere between three and four months the last time I was really lifting weights to hit that. I'm hitting 3 weeks into this workout routine. (Granted, this whole summer I've been doing pull-ups, so I haven't lost too much upper body strength).

So for that one bit of bad news yesterday, I received a bit of good news today -- or what I consider good news. That is the little bit of balance in my universe. That, and I will be increasing my cardio sessions from 30 minutes to 45.

Labels: late night thoughts, ramblings

I have a nervous, chatty energy about me tonight. So I'm going to ramble. And if you're reading this, you're going to do your best to follow. There is naughty language and narcissism ahead, so tread lightly. 

Something has changed. I feel like a blockage has been cleared. I don't know where it's coming from, but I've found a wellspring of strength, energy, and determination this weekend. Tomorrow is monday, and for all I know the monotony of fixing bugs will pound me into the ground.

But tonight my mind and body race and I sing along to the songs that set my heart afire. (Currently Peace, Pain and Regret by The Anniversary off their second album, "Your Majesty").

When I first moved to Fairmont, WV, to take on a contract job, hopefully a permanent hire, I knew no one. Lack of a social life led me to construct goals. As cliche as it sounds, it was a purpose driven life. But even then, something was missing. A connection. A tribe. Kindred spirits to watch the dawn with; old souls that can feel the pain in my voice when it hurts, and laugh it off like we both knew a real moment of emotional truth couldn't fade so long as we remember. Life was this orderly training schedule of work, training the body, and training the mind. Search for meaning. Its stupid, but I likened all the preparation to becoming some kind of whiz kid: a console cowboy, a code samuarai. Stop laughing already.

Its not like I ever put "I'm the guy who gets things done" on a cover letter. But I know a guy who tried it once.

See what I mean about rambling?

In this period, I felt like I was drilling myself for bigger and better. Like I shaping myself now so the man I will be could, I dunno, amount to something. Distinguish himself. I strove to master my little realm of the universe, so that someday I might actually be the captain of the ship; the man who sets his own destiny.

A person capable of truly delighting and completing another. The treasure chest someone's too happy about to keep secret.

Well, seriously, fuck that. Not in a teenage angsty fuck that. Not in a post-college-radio-DJ fuck that. Not in the dejected, socially awkward geek that's out of the guild fuck that.

Just, Fuck that, in the sense of not judging myself on these invisible standards I hold myself to that I don't talk about with others. That's a blockage to transformation. And what I very much want to transform myself.

I'm not sure what the end product is going to be this time. Let's assume I'm starting with gigantic balls (metaphorically speaking) and keeping the big mouth. Add a bit more dash more heart and a willingness to befriend a stranger. Throw in a little more jokester (and a lot less braggart) and a little less of a drinker. Most importantly, push forwards a desire to listen, and a love of learning and life.

Not all mistakes are regrets. If I died tonight, it'd be with a smile on my face.

I don't want to be a samurai anymore. They have feudal lords. Kings and Queens, so to speak.
I am without a master greater than myself. No one "depends" on me. I am Ronin.
Ronin are samurai who've gone rogue. They're like Pirate Samurai. And they're still totally badass at killing ninjas.

That was my late night attempt at humor right there. Next up, Charlie Day will lead a pep rally cheer as Green Man.

So in terms of transformations, mine has a great emotional start. Externally I've only made minor tweaks right now. I'm going to rattle them off.

I'm joining a gym that reminds me very much of Finetics in Fairmont, WV. That's where I first got so "bulky" (as I was recently referred to) that I don't even get recognized by people who went to High School with. I'm very much loving my exercise highs. And considering I tend to "extra bulk" up something like 15 pounds in a semester, and only lose 10 or so over summer breaks, I'm taking the time to really trim down and enjoy healthy living. I weighed 193 lbs. with workout clothes and shoes on last monday. We will see what I weigh on the start of week two, tomorrow.

I've started feeding a stray cat here at West Run. It's an all black kitten maybe 1 year old. Its obviously been abandoned by some irresponsible college kid. I'm putting out food and water for it daily. Eventually, as it canvasses West Run, it will realize there's always fresh food and water near my building. The two times I've seen the cat, its proved to be remarkably people friendly. It lets me get within 2 feet or so. Maybe, and this is a big maybe, I can take it in. Taking in strays just seems to be something I do. I'm not just referring to cats here, either.

I ran into Blair and we buried the hatchet. She's engaged, to be married next October. Seems like a good guy, too. Looks like the point I was trying to make back in 2007 made an impact. Also, the breast reduction and hair color change made it so I didn't even recognize her. The first minute of the conversation I thought I was just getting my ass grabbed by a crying burnette begging me to meet her fiance.

I decided I'm going to void my manufacturer's warranty and go ahead with the tattoo(s) I've wanted for some time. My family's creed, in latin, across my shoulders. I also want the shield of Athena tattoed on a shoulder. She was the goddess of Metis. Metis meant craft. Craft, today, would mean technology.

I found a Zen Buddhist group here in Morgantown. I will be attending their meditation sessions every Wednesday after work. I am also considering joining one of two churches. One is the non-denominational (Unitarian Universalists) Church where the meditation sessions will be held. The other is St. Paul's Lutheran Church. I am on the fence about this. I feel a man of reason such as myself cannot have his faith restored. Paying lip service, or blindly believing seems even a worse offense than simple, inoffensive non-belief. Its not a good idea for previously militant atheists to cross into the demilitarized zone of agnosticism, but maybe my stubbornness is another blockage to transformation into being who I really want to be. Who I need to be.

I danced all night till the clubs closed down. My friends left me, because I was having too good a time. I let them laugh at me. I got her number. "Whatever, I'm Single. I do what I want" is apparently a viable excuse (for now) for me to ditch my friends on the weekends.

I decided I'm going to attempt to skydive before my next birthday. Like getting a tattoo, this is just me following an impulse. But how can you say no to 15,000 feet in 60 seconds? I hope it will be a moment you just "live in" because time for you is slowing down.

I massively cleaned my apartment. I normally do this immediately after visiting my parents, as their clutter reminds me of my disarray. I knew it was needed -- long time coming -- but this time it has taken on a determination and life of its own. I scrubbed my bathroom floor tile by hand. I scrubbed soap scum off the walls vigorously. I washed and folded all my laundry. I packed up goodwill bags with ruthless intent. Cleaned the inside of drawers.

I hung photos that I printed out months ago. Pictures of Erin, JoniSue, and myself clubbing in Pittsburgh. Pictures of Jen in her Halloween Costume. Past New Years kisses. Danielle's reaction to me buying her an iPod Nano as a combined graduation/Christmas present. The kittens, back when they were small enough I could put them in the wok and pretend I was going to make "General Tso's Kitten Delicious" (Note: They weren't happy in the wok, and they look slightly peeved in the photos).

I helped a stranger who's car had broken down get home to her boyfriend. Wichita High School sweethearts, just like my parents were. 

I got my grad student plan of study signed by my last committee member. I can now be switched over from "Provisional Grad Student" to "Part Time Grad Student" as I approach the final three semesters of classes. Its a good thing I'm not responsible for making the trains run on time.

I finished the 700+ tomb of masterpiece that is the latest "Honorverse" Novel by David Weber, "Storm From The Shadows". Fucking cliff hanger ending. Also nearing completion on World War Z by Max Brooks.

I got Jimmy Johns with an old friend, and walked around Morgantown as we talked. For an hour.

I refriended an old friend, a fraternity brother who drifted out a long time ago back when TEP was respectable.

I told everyone the hilarious story of my worst first date ever from back in 2007. I've posted it on here once previously, but I need to re-tell it. Later.

And I sleep, perchance to dream.

Labels: late night thoughts, love, personal, ramblings

You may find the following Reddit.com comment interesting. You may hear it being spoken in your head with the voice of Tyler Durden or Morpheus.

You could be suffering from early 21st century syndrome. Don't bother googling it, I just made it up. But the symtoms you describe are typical of the new malaise.

You should be happy. You have fulfilled the requirements of a media driven life. You have your own place. You have a 'decent' job. You have a woman. And yet, underneath it all there is this dissatisfaction. You can't quite place it but it is there nonetheless, gnawing in your brain.

You flick randomly through internet pages for hours after dark. The TV chatters in the background. Every world developement is known to you a few minutes after it happens. You are the master of an external world that appears and presents itself through text and pics and vids.

You go about the business of living as it has been described to you and you can check all the boxes for relative success. And yet it doesn't feel like success. Not the way it does in the movies or on TV. No orchestral music chimes in when you do something good, no ominous montage depicts things negatively when your performance is not up to par. Life itself is removed from you because consciousness itself does not match up to the way 'we' are used to receiving information; that of third person observer through a cam. The P.O.V. first person view is somehow limiting, it limits us to this space and time which is not in keeping with how consciousness can effortlessly cross time when 'connected' to the internet.

Life today in a modern industrial society has an air of rigidness about it. Everywhere you go, you run up against barriers and rules. Speed limits, parking restrictions, decorum, social rules (unwritten but bearing on the mind), myriad exacting laws. All of them supposedly designed for the collective benefit of everyone. But no individual feels like everyone, each individual feels like you. So you end up being oppressed by the collective rules designed to protect you. This is called the "system".

There is nothing "wrong" with you brother.

You are merely suffering from the collective malaise of having all that we are supposed to want. Supposedly, human existence today is the best it has ever been. The 'facts' bear this out. Life expectancy today for the average person is higher than it's ever been, right?

And yet you long for the hunt. The risk. The hunter gatherer life, buried deep somewhere in your hypothalamus, longs for that time when your own ingenuity resulted in food for your group. When you could exploit your human genius for real and direct gain...feeding yourself and your tribe. Going to the office/cubicle today gains you money to obtain these things. But it does not offer the thrill of the hunt. The risk. The adrenaline rush of the successful raid on the enemy camp, the high of the perfect kill.

Homo sapiens sapiens is not a very old species in relative terms. But it is a cunning one and the greatest force this planet has ever seen. But, the amount of time we successfully gathered as hunters (2 million years) is far longer and evolutionary significant in comparison to the existence of human civilisation (8 thousand years). Yet, all cogent information tells you you are better off today than anyone in human history.

And yet, on a quiet walk outside the city, you stare at the moon through leafy glade and can almost touch the truth of a different life. A life you were designed for but no longer is.

There is nothing wrong with you brother, that is not wrong with all of us.

Disregard those who tell you your problem is solvable through the use of some 'drug'.

If you need to alter your consciousness self medicate with whiskey or weed. Do not touch the shit the "experts" have formulated to suppress the spirit.

Because our needs are being met in ways we've been built to expect, some of us hunt for the animal inside us. Some of us refuse to live like Lions at the zoo.

Labels: links, quotables, ramblings, Reddit

When I was 20 years old, I went through a period (for reasons I really don't remember or want to get into) of emotional numbness. As much as I tried to really feel anything, I was a blank canvas. It wasn't an uncomfortable situation: just new and different. I kept up outside appearances easily. Since this was sophomore year in college, maybe Marilyn, if she wasn't too busy partying, might've known I was sad.

Then at a show with Lydia and her gang, I heard Jonah from onelinedrawing perform and the way I described it 7 years ago was "A shot of live right in the arm". Somehow, Jonah's raw vocals, and earnest lyrics pierced my veil, and the wall came tumbling down. I re-discovered the part of myself that felt.

Needless to say, I spent all the money I had that week at his show buying his merch. His EP's were in my CD player constantly.

This is one of those songs that shook off my funk. Its called "Better Than This". I've included the video on youtube and lyrics below. Enjoy. The youtube video is definitely worth watching; it has alternate lyrics and an alternate ending that I did not see live, but adds more to the song.

Finally, when things go really wrong, this song and "The Big Parade" (which I can't find online) usually end up looping through my head. It seems to help. Maybe sometime in the future, if you're feeling blue, this song could help you.



Onelinedrawing Better Than This Lyrics:

I'm thinking over it
I think too much
It hinders my spirit
when there's never enough
Shell-game sleight of hand
To wish for something more
Honest husbands, cheating wives
Generous buyers, greedy stores

"I'll get through it, I'll get through it"
I'll say it ten times over:
"I'll get through it, I'll get
through it"
"I'm better than this"

That's what anchors me (I mean it weighs me down)
Can't give thanks to fear, can't say no to crowds
Guess I'll just play dumb (shouldn't be too hard : )
Peaceful people, violent guns
Sober drivers, drunken cars

I'm better than nothing and
nothing is better than this

Labels: free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, life is short, music, ramblings

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must--but never quit.

Life is queer, with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won if he'd stuck it out;
Stick to your task, though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with one more blow.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt--
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that YOU MUSTN'T QUIT.

--Author Unknown.

And one more: Its called "Charity"

There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it ill behooves any of us
To find fault with the rest of us.

--Author Unknown.

So I got dumped. By someone I deeply cared for. Its too soon to know how bad this is going to feel. That always depends on how the various coping mechanisms work. I'm not very confident, as last time I was left, I only seemed to sink further down the drain. So above are two (separate) author unknown poems I'm reading to comfort myself.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, poems, ramblings

A brief personal update on how my accidental "three day weekend" went down.

Be warned, this will be long.

First, this was my first time visiting my friends Chuck and Linda since they got married. I've noticed a slight change in Chuck's behavior since the wedding. I would never tell him to his face that he's gotten crankier in any way, but allow me to explain to everyone on the internets: Chuck is allowed to spill things on the carpet, and Linda got to clean it up. In other words, Chuck's marriage is AWESOME. Someone should've told me that was part of getting marriage: You can blame your messes on your spouse. That's an often neglected perk. But for slobs like myself, that's the killer app.


Second, I made sure to stop by and see my old friend Sara Beth. Because she failed to parallel park, she could not driver herself to the south side. So she brought my old friend Lydia, whom I haven't seen in almost ten years. Well, more like eight, but it was still good to see her. Meghan came with and we all had drinks in the south side.


Good times were had by all.

Next, I learned the Sushi place I had "VIP" access to in the south side (when I lived in the south side four years ago) is now where Malkin takes his family out to eat. Yes, Malkin as in "It has big taste" Stanley-Cup-MVP Malkin. Cool.

And as a result, the place is crazy over-booked and you can't get a table. So we went to the Hibachi place in the waterfront, and the service was awful. I think its the first time in recent memory where I didn't tip the waitress at all. We had to wait and wait and wait for drinks, refills, silverware, salads. We waited an hour between our salad before our chef showed up. Not cool.

Saturday night I crashed a friend from college's bachelorette party. However, Mary had already left to hit up another bar. But who I really came out to see was Marilyn.

Here's the best pic Chuck could take in the crowded bar. This was the first time I saw Marilyn since the ESC bar crawl the fall semester after I graduated.

Because Marilyn was in town, I figured I'd also run into my former roommate. I won't mention any names, but he's the one who cheated on his girl and he and I had a huge falling out. He also bleached some of my clothes. When he wanted to patch things up on this bar crawl (where I last saw Marilyn) I wasn't ready. When I wanted to patch things up at Erin's graduation, he blew me off. I figure we'd patch things up if we ran into each other, but we didn't.

I also got Chuck to admit that Marilyn has "grown-up" in a good way. And any resentment we might have about how she lives her life is basically because she's such a guy about it. She goes for what she wants unapologeticly  and she succeeds.

To simplify what I'm saying: I'm a worrier. I'm glad I have one less friend to worry about. Not that I had any doubts.

Finally, let's get to the story of how I was stranded. My car (the Galant, not the Accord)  died in the middle of an intersection. Its check engine codes told me the overhead cam positional sensor was throwing fault codes. Because I was desperately trying to get my car fixed so I could go home for my monday work, I had the car towed to Pep Boys.

Pep Boys found out the timing chain was broken.

The Galant's engine is called "an interference engine". Which means its likely that when your timing chain goes, bits of it will travel up inside the engine, damaging valves and piston rods.

Isn't that freakin' AWESOME?

Rather than spend $680 for them to fix a timing chain (the part only costs $80, so that implies about $600 worth of labor) to find out that my car isn't drivable, I paid less than half that to haul my car back to Morgantown. I have to decide if I'm going to fix it (with the help of my gearhead co-worker) or part it out. I'm still trying to figure out which is a better allocation of my time/money.

Blah, hopefully this wasn't long and boring. More later.

Labels: personal, pictures, pittsburgh, ramblings

Congrats to my friend Erin.

She just texted me today (while I was at work) with the news that she had gotten a job doing social work (counseling, which is her field/profession that she just got a Master's in) along the New Jersey/New York border.

So again, Congrats. It's a tough economy right now, and those of us with employment feel lucky. So everyone who's drinking this Friday after work, please raise a glass for my friend Erin, and give her a congrats on the new job toast.

Labels: new york city, raises, ramblings

Rands In Repose has a great blog post on "Toxic Assets". These are the people who go ALL CAPS on your ass. People avoid this team member. He doesn't get the memo. He's defining someone as "Toxic" when despite Management's best efforts, people can't work with him and he might have to be let go. He closes with this:

The history of the Silicon Valley is full of stories of toxic people who were, well, right. These people were physically removed from their respective companies, but their agenda, their ideas, however unpalatable to the existing cultural regime, were actually the right thing to do for that particular company.

The paradox is we often need these toxic people. We need these self-centered assholes to totally ignore cultural conventions and to mix things up beyond recognition. They don’t need social grace and they don’t need charisma. Both help, but their value lies in their intense belief in their own culture.

I have an intense belief in my own culture. I've had debates where the other person has left the room because they felt they weren't being heard. They probably feel I was going ALL CAPS on them. I was just bypassing the part of the argument where they talk. This might sound arrogant, but I've heard it before.

You don't grow up poor, punk, educated, atheist, and liberal in central PA without facing intense cultural scrutiny. You're an outsider. People you've never met know things about you before you even start the conversation.

Anyway, the article and its simple model of relationships provoked thought in me, and I thought it was a good read. So I thought I'd share.

Labels: corporate culture, goals, links, personal, ramblings, thoughts

http://www.shadowrun4.com/

I used to play Shadowrun religiously with friends during middle school. Good times. Aside from some really well written science fiction, nothing provided such a feeling of immersion.

I would be interested in trying the new edition, but would need to find people in the area interested in playing.

Maybe if I get bored I'll hit up craigslist.

Labels: personal, ramblings

Here's a yarn for everyone.

A Russian girl who's undergone "re-virgining" SIX TIMES is now in an intensive care unit, due to complications of having the procedure performed once a year as a "gift" for her husband.

Original story is here.

Yay for stupidity and meaningless social constructs, I guess. Hats off.

Labels: crazy people, links, ramblings

I'm stealing this from my former Boss and good friend Don, who posed this on Facebook.

It is a common theme in our society that it is admirable to be attracted to people because of their personality or intelligence, and less than admirable to be attracted to people because of their looks or their money. At the same time, it is generally held to be admirable to admire or despise others because of their choices and actions, and less than admirable - actively wrong, even - to admire or despise due to accidents of birth or circumstance.

My thesis is that looks and money are much more under a person's voluntary control than personality or intelligence, and that therefore these two positions are logically incompatible. My question is, how did this contradiction come to be so commonly held?

While the influences on a person's financial situation are most often not simple, and certainly there are many rich and poor people whose fiscal standing is largely due to happenstance, it is nevertheless the case that, in general, one's monetary resources can be enlarged through one's own choices and efforts. Likewise with appearance: Although altering basic structure is hazardous and expensive, making the best of what you were born with - eating healthy and hitting the gym, getting a good haircut, wearing flattering clothing, paying attention to details - is something all but the very poorest can, in principle, choose to do.

On the other hand, it is simply not possible to choose to have a sense of humor if you don't have one, to be good with language if you aren't, to have an easier grasp of math than you already do. As Sacha Guitry said, "You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty." And you can't pretend to have an aptitude for quantum physics or for writing good poetry or for comic timing. Those just aren't choices you can make.

So if you meet someone rich and good-looking, there is at least some chance that those qualities are due to the person's own efforts. If you meet someone brilliant and witty, that is certainly due to good luck alone. So why is it "shallow" to be attracted to the rich and good-looking?

My friend Melissa posits that due to our "Western" society's values being shaped so deeply by Christian morals, we tend to value the innate (or "God-given") whereas traits such as greed or vanity (which again, anyone can work towards improving) are "deadly sins".

I don't agree or disagree completely with either statement. On the other hand, I also don't think its entirely shallow to be so attracted to money. Money isn't the root of all evil, love of money is the root of all evil. Money is society's way of valuating one's labor. If we assume that people are paid in a fair manner relating to their value, as judged by society, then someone who has generated more wealth is someone who was or is "more valuable" to society.

While I'm sure someone can argue that in their belief system there are things that can't have a price put on them, or that love is worth more than all the money in the world, there are certainly those who feel that the access to opportunities in education the wealthy have traditionally had would outweigh any "creature comforts". This assumes, of course, that the person of wealth has no vices that endanger your health or safety (drinker, beater, drug user, etc).

However....if someone is "smart", even by innate gifts, they're needed in society. We have a large shortage of scientists and engineers of high quality in this country. We need people with "innate" smartness; we rely on them for breakthroughs that might not be possible without their creativity and ideas. We rely on ideas with innate talents to make us laugh.

It takes all kinds, and I'm interested in hearing people's thoughts.

Labels: blogging, money, ramblings, thoughts

Today on my way to work (after class), I got passed by a Cadillac CTS V6. Its license plate read "TREEHUGGR".

The CTS is one of the worse (in terms of polluting) V6 cars on the market. It gets a combined city and highway mileage of 19mpg. It emits, on average, 9.6 tons of CO2 per year. It is not the car you drive if you consider yourself a treehugger. Especially since, if you can afford a Cadillac, you can certain afford a hybrid from Ford, Toyota, Honda, or Lexus.

Alternate license plate suggestion from me: "NATURAPER".

Labels: EPA, me trying to be funny, morgantown, ramblings

Here's a link to cities, ranked by percentage of population, that answered "Yes" to questions like "I have more than 2 drinks a day" or "I have five or more drinks on a special occasion.".

My old stomping ground of Pittsburgh is #11. Detroit is at the bottom of the list, but that's because I'm guessing the average person in Detroit is so fucked right now they've either upgraded to Crystal Meth or they're too broke to even buy beer. #10 is Cincinnati, which is a slightly shittier city than Pittsburgh, but at the same time, well off enough people can afford to get tanked. Pittsburgh and Cincinnati fit into that "prosperous enough to keep on drinking" economic index.

And the number one city: Austin, TX. Congrats, Austin.

Labels: links, ramblings, today's generation

I got Contra 4 for the Nintendo DS. I've finally picked up my DS and started playing it again. Its a strange contrast: The Wii was more expensive, has more potential for multiplayer, and receives much more hype for its new approach, but so far, games aside from Nintendo's have pretty much sucked. With the sole exception being Boom Blox. That game is addictive and awesome. But even Nintendo's offerings have been the pinnacle of lack luster. Smash Brothers only lets one person play online? Really? The XBox could handle 4 player Halo 2 online, and the Wii has something like 1.5x the power. Intentionally releasing crippleware like that makes me a sad panda.

Contra 4 for the DS, on the other hand, reminds you that you are soft. Contra 4 makes you ponder what you could've been, if only you had accepted that invitation to join Operation Project Mayhem. If, for instance, your family's feud with the Mocato Ninja Clan lead to you being the sole survivor of your family, and you dedicated every day since that massacre to mastering the arts of ninjitsu, dedicated to becoming the ultimate engine of grisly revenge.

That is the kind of gamer skill you need to be to survive Contra 4 DS. On easy. The first time you play it, your ass is cookie dough. By the time you're done with it, you're carved out of wood.

So yeah, Contra 4 is insanely hard, but its also fun. Intensity matters. Contra 4 does not coddle you or pander to you. Contra 4 is a fulcrum. It decides whether you're pure enough in mettle and spirit, or merely an impurity to be chewed up, and spit back out.

Labels: Gaming, Nintendo Wii, personal, ramblings, video games, weekend

Here's a link that shows a list of images found doing a google image search for the word "Oops". Safe for work.

You know that guy at the office that you really want to prank? Sign him up for a Hannah Montana wake up call.

An internet blog post titled "how to hire an idiot".

Enjoy. More later.

Labels: links, ramblings, Reddit

This just in among British Men: Curves are the new thin.

Labels: links, pictures, ramblings, Reddit

Yesterday I woke up with some "insanely painful" chest pain. I think it was a delayed effect of all the hedonism from this weekend. I barely made it to my car pool.

Today, however, I'm happy to report, involves waking up without any tightness or pain in my chest.

Oh, another thing about the party I threw this weekend: Someone stole my deodorant. Really. It was the one thing missing from my room. You think someone would take my playstation 2. Or my digital camera that was being passed around. Or one of my iPods. But no, someone stole a used stick of deodorant. Puzzle over that during the rest of the day. I know I have.

Labels: blogging, crazy people, friends, personal, ramblings, thoughts

This article on the dailywtf.com sure brings back memories. The shithole that was my last job sounds exactly like this place. And it reminds me of a story I want to tell. Maybe one, depending on comments/feedback, I might submit to TheDailyWTF itself.

Its all in how it looks.

My last task at my former workplace was to develop a CRM Portal. CRM stands for "Customer Relations Management". Essentially, I was overhauling the entire company website, and adding on a "private" section where clients (or potential clients) could log on, and view their projects, and see the development and test versions of their software projects. It would also house all the project's documentation and requirements. So, if you're a software developer, think of a customized install of Trac. Written and developed by one person, who's got about a year of experience writing .NET web applications. Who's doing everything from database design, documenting requirements, developing the code, testing the code, and prettying up the frontend.

To top it off, since we had nothing like this at all in our infrastructure, it was "Priority #1A" that I get this application up and running. It was also "Priority #1A" that I rush the application out the door because, as the President of the company put it, "You don't have a charge code. You're burning up overhead." (At this point, we had burned something like $200K in overhead in money we didn't have on various un-billable tasks.). Most of our tools had been various "re-invent the wheel from scratch" tools, done only half-right and only working half the time, because again, in the words of our infinitely wise President, "I'd rather spend $10K on you guys (who we referred to as his "A-Team") than spend it on software where we don't have control of the source" (and yet, we couldn't use Open Source Software because we were ".NET shop".)

So despite pressure to just churn out a finely polished turd, I knew that whatever I did, there would an incredibly long list of changes to the look, feel, and behavior of the "portal" application as soon as it was presentable. Instead of following our "one, true, established way" of creating applications -- the monolithic approach with lots of copy and paste, I actually tried to separate function and form. This meant I was building a layered application, with separation of duties between business objects, a data access layer, and presentation. As a shop, nobody had really tried to do that, as any realistic schedule to get a functioning application out the door was quickly slashed so that we were forced to just churn, churn, churn. Our president did not believe that architecture and testing paid for themselves.

Finally, having reached a presentable status (meaning: I had pages that behaved like an actual web application), the company president finally got to review the portal. He was already upset at how it was taking so long, and that until this point "I had nothing to show for it". If you haven't already guessed, the president of our "software division" had no idea of the complexity of code behind any of our pages, and just judged applications on whether they worked like he expected them to, and if they had lots of .NET controls on every page. Never mind how complicated or simple the business logic behind the pretty page was.

As an added bonus, I'll freely admit I'm a horrible web interface designer. While we were supposed to master web application development "from top to bottom, front to back", my previous assignment (which lasted nearly 4 months) had been writing PL/SQL stored procedures for another application. While other team were becoming more proficient at CSS-based layouts, I was learning how to best optimize our applications database logic. So I was naturally more skilled "on the back end". I hadn't learned what the company president liked to see in a web page, or expected to see (again, no documented requirements on how this "portal site" was supposed to work. Simply a "you figure it out" command).

Needless to say, expecting changes in page layout, I didn't really commit much time to a "stylish design". I figured a minimalist design could successfully showcase working features, and could be styled up. I even stated so much in the first review.

The first review did not go well. Aside from picking apart my "minimalist" design for lacking decorative colors, "webby javascript stuff" (direct quote there), and "looking very much incomplete", my boss failed to appreciate any of my hard work. Most of the features worked! Of course, functionality lost over form. Nitpicking the layout seemed to be the purpose of our review meetings.

And so that became my daily routine. The all-hands morning meeting. My one-on-one with the president, where he'd always give me a day's worth of UI overhauling (and contradicting yesterday's design decisions) and then going back to my cube to implement the changes.

On day 3 of this routine, I was informed that I'd be getting an intern to help me out. One of our client's had a high-school aged son with some web layout experience. He had no programming experience, but he was his high school's ultimate frisbee club's webmaster.

I sat him down and showed him how the application was laid out. He basically knew HTML and CSS (and had a better sense of style than I did) so after a quick run down on what it does he was able to get up and running. Our daily meeting was delayed an hour or so because the President had more pressing business, and a co-worker needed my help dealing with a database problem.

I come out my co-worker's cube to find that the meeting between the company president, myself, and the intern had started without me. The intern was showing off the styles he'd applied to the master template and the president seemed pleased. I feel relieved. Now we can actually start using this thing. I can move onto a project that's bringing in revenue and not have to deal with our presidents daily musings on what is "webby enough" to represent us to the internet.

About an hour later, a co-worker tells me that the intern is being put in charge of the remainder of the portal project. Not understanding cascading style sheets, it turns out our company president believes that the intern entirely recoded the web pages he showed off (including the back end functionality) in the sitdown meeting, instead of just applying new styles and layout. In his mind, with that kind of programming skill, he was more qualified to finish up the project than I was. I was re-assigned elsewhere (to another "re-invent the wheel from scratch" app) shortly before being laid off (something about being $200k in the red because of project mismanagement).

So it turns out its about how something looks, and not how it works.

I'd appreciate comments, especially advice on how to cut this down in to a more reasonable anecdote.

Labels: blogging, confidence, corporate culture, me trying to be funny, pittsburgh, ramblings, web 2.0, Web Development

I found three articles I really felt like sharing from my usual social news site, Reddit.com

1. Why I'm (Probably) Leaving The Mac Platform: A Bucknell Student (disclaimer: I'm a sort-of alumni) whining about how its wrong that Apple updates their OS platform, strives to make it more unix-compatible than Linux, how it has a separate window manager, blah blah blah. I'll probably do a post later really smacking the shit out of this poor, know-nothing kid, but right now the entire blogosphere is calling this guy a waaahmbulance.
2. Truth or Consequences NYTimes Op-Ed Column: I really like this article for the same reason it will piss off most people in the US. It makes sense. At $4/gallon for gas, people actually start to cut back on driving. This didn't happen at $3/gallon gas, even though economists predicted it would. So, this columnist is calling for a price minimum of $4/gallon. That means if gas prices drop down to $2/gallon again (unlikely) the government would impose a $2/gallon gas tax, which would be used to fund public transportation, alternate, green energy, and buying back people's gas guzzling SUVs so they can be crushed.
   
3. The New Homeless of America: Rent is so high in Santa Barbra that people laid off because of the housing crash are finding themselves sleeping in their car, in special parking lots where its legal (sleeping in your car in a public street is illegal). This article, which I found to be slightly heart breaking, details one Santa Barbra resident whose been laid off and is living in her car with her two dogs. Sadly, the number of people using these parking lots are likely to grow.
   

Labels: gas prices, links, politics, pop culture, ramblings, Reddit

A brief version of how every discussion on my Soapbox mailing list begins and ends.

Labels: ramblings, soapbox

Talking Points Memo has "Exit Poll" data from the Clinton campaign, supposedly. Obviously, this is one of those "written by an Obama supporter as a joke" things, but at the same time, it hilariously sums it up the primary in WV today.



FTA:

"West Virginia voters fit squarely with the Clinton demographic; hard working, white voters whose deep seated racism and superstition makes them believe the most outlandish and bizarre lies that they've heard", said Clinton spokesman Howard Wolfson . He continued, "I don't want to generalize because there are some college students and unlucky, miserable smart people who are desperate to move to someplace - any place - better before their souls are ground down. Other than that, we're solid, though."

Once again, here's the link

Labels: free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, politics, quotables, ramblings, WV

Well, one person has demanded and update, and an update she shall get!

I've been exhausted because the pace of life lately has been running at a pace where its always a few steps ahead of me. This is probably because grad school makes me feel like i'm in over my head -- it could also be just that I'm at the age where when given a shit-ton of (at least to me) pointless busy work that does not serve to teach my anything, i focus on things that actually seem worth my time. I'm dragging myself across the finish line. I think next semester I'm going to try to take courses that interest me more, even if the workload turns out to be more.

Another thing that kills me is most of my friends are on cruise control because they're graduating in a month or so. So I go out way more than I should. Then again, I say yes to everything.

I went swing dancing in Pittsburgh this past weekend. I find it especially hilarious that I'm even more spastic when I swing dance. There is the occasional moment where I'm graceful, but when I'm with someone I know pretty well, and I find we both end up giggling like idiots and trying not to crash into anyone else on the dance floor. I'm glad the new club president seems more open to organizing "away" events more than once a semester. Considering that Pittsburgh is one hour, twenty minutes away (less the way I drive) its not really that hard.

A friend of mine that I've known since my college days might be doing a start up company in Pittsburgh with an idea I basically came up with all by myself. I'm not upset or jealous -- I'm actually quite excited for him. I've kind of abandoned the idea because I wouldn't want to do an "advertiser funded" business plan for a web based start up. Its a "young man's business model" -- where you build something cool (both from a technical and non-technical definition of cool) and attract eyeballs. Once you have the eyeballs, you can make money via google adwords. I'd prefer something with more of a plan B, but I'm psyched he's gonna take the risk, or might take the risk. He's meeting with venture capitalists trying to fund Pittsburgh based web-start ups in the next week. I'm pulling for him. Also, if he's reading this and does strike it rich, remember it was my idea and I make a great entourage member. I can drive you around places and carry spare laptop batteries.

One reason I haven't been posting as much is that Reddit.com has taken over my web browsing. And I've gotten into too many arguements with idiotic trolls. Its sad that no corner of the internet social media trend is free from 9/11 conspiracy whackos, ridiculously scornful libertarians who believe the free market can fix everything, global warming deniers, and pro-creationism douchebags. Allow me to state the following without being bitter: If a defense computer ever does become self-aware, and nukes most of humanity, like Skynet, I will be okay with it, as long as all of the above are completely wiped out. No matter what I comment on, I attract these idiots. And I've apparently lost my mutant ability to make idiots who keep bothering me drink anti-freeze.

My friend Vanessa started talking to me again. I thought out friendship had died out on the wayside. Its good to see one come back from the brink.

Labels: blogging, personal, ramblings, thoughts

http://dfranke.us/pfs.html

This is the most brilliant thing I've read all week. I really hope they deploy it against 419ers.

Labels: links, ramblings, thoughts

1. Lost Ticket at a Morgantown Parking Garage. That's a $25 mistake. I've let it go, but at the same time, I'm more upset that its $25 for a lost fucking ticket in a Morgantown Parking Garage. Even in Pittsburgh, the city with THE HIGHEST PARKING TAXES IN THE FUCKING NATION a lost ticket at the soldiers and sailors garage was something like $15 or $20, assuming one of the poor college students wouldn't just feel bad for you and open the gate and let you out scott free. Shitty way to end a night where I overspent anyway.

2. I recently received the compliment that it looks like I've lost weight. I have, thank you for noticing. Just don't grab my arm, squeeze it, and say, 'You're starting to get emo'. I don't need anyone pointing out that I've lost a lot of the muscle mass I gained last year. A relationship gone bad, grad school, a side project, and working full time with an hour lost to commuting will eat into your physique.

3. People who take advantage of their former best friends deepest fear -- their fear of being strangled. And then brag about it to people.

Books I'm reading:

Children Of Dune and Dune Messiah by Frank Herbert
Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut
American Gods by Neil Gaiman.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, ramblings

This is a great article on compensating young employees who're looking for "growth". A halfway decent developer, if he's not too busy blogging, will probably double his productivity for the first 3 years of employment at a company (assuming he stays). This is because if they're keeping up with what's going on in the industry and not just doing what they're told, they're creating value without you having to train them. And that skillset is highly portable.

And of course, the experience and know-how he has of the internal mechanics of your company is something you can't get from the pool of job applicants. Its something he takes with him.

So having shitty raises for the people in the "trenches" is a really dumb idea. I know that once you get a reputation of having "shitty raises", anyone that knows anyone at the company that's applying for a job is going to tack on a premium to their base salary. Its fact.

So to recap, read the article. And having a system where "busting your hump" gets you a 4% raise, and doing nothing gets you a 3% raise, and you have a system that's going to be gamed so that people do nothing. And then, what're you really paying for?

Labels: corporate culture, money, personal, raises, ramblings, today's generation, Web Development

Yesterday I bought my first ringtone ever. At the $2.99 price, and the very limited utility of it, I'm doubting I'll do it again for a long time. But it was "novel".

I also recently went suit shopping for my company's annual Christmas party. I'm really pleased with the outcome, and am excited to get it back from the tailor. I am going to look pretty good, and its going to be a good time drinking with friends and co-workers. My friend Jen was essential in helping me keep my spirits up and remain confident that there would be a positive outcome. Also, her fashion sense definitely complimented mine and the salespersons.

I'm excited for my company's christmas party. Always a good time to drink top shelf stuff on somebody else's dime.

I'm actually considering printing up pre-apology cards for people's significant others because I know I'm going to over-celebrate this year.

Its not definite yet, but I might be in Miami for New Year's. I'm excited for it, but its all about making sure I can afford the trip.

I've had a recent first hand illumination on a bad habit (of my past, I hope) where you're arguing not to prove a point, but simply to prove to yourself that you're right. I realize I haven't conquered that, but I can at least recognize that kind of anger in others now. And because I try to believe in selling bridges instead of burning them, I've learned to ride out these people's tantrums.

And I tell myself that with a little patience I can get through this. We walk not long upon the earth. No need to tread the paths that lead only to bitterness. With Patience, I can outlast someone's pettiness and see past what they are in the moment.

Less than two weeks left in school and I'm looking at straight A's for grad school. Not bad for a first semester.

Beowulf 3D was not that bad of a movie. Next up: Hitman.

Back to school stuff.

Labels: blogging, personal, ramblings, thoughts

The title link is the only review of Assassin's Creed that matters, ever. Until the SaintOfAllChucks can find a better one that pisses off even more gamers than this one.

Labels: Gaming, ramblings

In Steve McConnell's "Code Complete", he describes a debugging (aka problem solving) technique called "Confessional Debugging". It goes a little something like this:

Talk to someone else about the problem. Some people call this "confessional debugging." You often discover your own error in the act of explaining it to another person. For example, if you were explaining the problem in the salary example, you might sound like this:

"Hey Jennifer. Have you got a minute; I'm having a problem. I've got this list of employee salaries that's supposed to be sorted but some names are out of order. They're sorted all right the second time I print them out but not the first. I checked to see if it was new names, but it didn't seem like it was because I tried some that worked. I know they should be sorted the first time I print them because the program sorts all the names as they're entered and again when they're saved ... wait a minute ... no, it doesn't sort them when they're entered. That's right. It only orders them roughly. Thanks Jennifer. You've been a big help."

Jennifer didn't say a word, and you solved your problem. This is typical, and is perhaps your most potent tool for solving the most difficult errors.

Non-geeks would call this "sharing" or even "theraphy" when taken to extremes. Here's a snippet of confessional debugging that I recently had.

(4:02:29 PM) redrobot5050: being self-aware doesn't make one less crazy
(4:02:33 PM) redrobot5050: often times, it makes you more crazy
(4:02:43 PM) redrobot5050: and realizing a problem and reacting to it like a mature, intelligent adult
(4:02:48 PM) redrobot5050: are separate issues
(4:03:02 PM) redrobot5050: i can understand after all that happened if [redacted] views part of me with ugliness
(4:03:54 PM) redrobot5050: anyway, i've kept you
(4:04:00 PM) redrobot5050: i just felt like clarifying for your own sake
(4:04:15 PM) redrobot5050: [redacted] is not a bad apple
(4:04:21 PM) redrobot5050: but [redacted], apparently
(4:11:19 PM) redrobot5050: anyway
(4:11:24 PM) redrobot5050: have fun whether or not you go or don't
(4:11:25 PM) redrobot5050: and take care

Labels: blogging, free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, personal, ramblings

I was talking to a friend at work today who's recently gone off one of those adult ADHD medeications, and was talking about the 'crash'. They're known for causing depressive episodes. One of my good friends worked at a start up out of Pittsburgh where the CEO passed those kinds of pills around because we all know time is money to a start up, and who cares if one of your lead programmers has to quit because withdrawal has made him suicidally depressed....

Anyway, to be more on topic, my friend described many of the symptoms of her depressive episodes, and I found myself thinking that I've been feeling some of those as well. Quick to anger. Bouts of moroseness, more susceptible to sorrow.

I am beginning to entertain the possibility that I've recently undergone a mental health status change.

The question is "what do I do about it?"

I've heard horror stories from some of the other 'red badge' people about how what were once simple things to accomplish in the process of a background investigation or re-investigation were now suddenly difficult. I've already been through that hassle once, and anything that would make that more difficult a second time around when I become a beltway bandit or the equivalent in Boulder, CO, bothers me. I paid off nearly $4k in debt to improve my credit history, and paid off the last $5k on my car all in the last year to show that i'm one of 'the good guys'. I sacrificed.

And I want to accomplish something. That's important to me. I've moved away from friends I could honestly say I've loved twice. I know I will again, soon, after my master's is finished. I'll be 28 and have started over in a new place 3 or 4 times already, depending on how far back you want to go and what counts as starting over. I've worked on logistic systems that maintained nearly $60 million worth of assets for nuclear power plants, and the latest claim to fame is a number in the ballpark of nearly $2.7 billion worth of customs clearance in a prototype I helped build. And it will likely be operational for another year (and another 2.7 billion) before a replacement system goes live.

But I'm no good to anyone if I am batshit insane crazy. But considering the horror stories, it seems my career in this field would be over if I was even considered to be batshit insane crazy.

Nevermind that it could be perfectly normal to be mildly depressed under the circumstances and stress that I've been under.

I need to think on this more and research it more. I'm not one to sit on my hands. But I've also witnessed what happens to someone as they ignore all the warning signs that they are depressed for almost 20 years. A hollow, ruined career, a tattered marriage, and all kinds of oddities that make everyone sit, stare, and wonder. A downward spiral.

And there is nothing I would resist more than that happening to me.

Labels: late night thoughts, life is short, personal, ramblings

i went up to Pittsburgh on Friday because I thought Minus the Bear was playing Friday. I ended up hanging out with my friend Lisa and getting drunk in the south side with her. Great times. Let me say it again: Great times. I've known Lisa almost as long as I've known anyone I still speak to in my life. I'm her longest known friend. Since my group of friends in Pittsburgh was so tight, we've got a close history. And this was our first time hanging out (alone) together in ages.

We hit up Club Diesel in the south side, and after a few vodka and cranberries ($2.00 special!) we danced to the techno music with her friends from high school, who showed up celebrating a 21st bday just coincidentally. I think the feeling in the world is when you're dancing with a close friend and both of you are having fun and neither of you are taking it seriously. We cracked up on the dance floor multiple times. It was like when I'd dance with a friend at Vice, only more exaggerated.

We also crashed a VIP area. Good times. No, scratch that. Great times.

We then hit up my old watering hole in the south side -- Jekyl and Hyde's. Its a halloween motif'd bar. I was warned by Chuck that its a shadow of its pale self. It was indeed. It was a Duquensce bar through and through. Everything was there in the material form, but the spirit had gone out of the bar. It was just another dimly lit watering hole for rich, preppy, greek college kids. Lisa and I hung out on the bar stools and talked over the music and crowd until my voice was so wraspy it was giving out.

That didn't stop me from singing along to Bedford as I drove us back. I was even on key for two or three songs before my voice gave out.

Lisa, when you get a chance to read this, thank you for being you. Just when I needed a laugh deep from the soul, you popped up and delivered. You're a true friend. Visit soon.

Labels: life is short, personal, ramblings

A friend of mine recently betrayed a confidence. Nothing major, and its really nothing to get personal about. But here's the kicker: I confronted this person and they denied it to my face. They're sticking to their guns.

As they say in Washington, "Its not the crime that gets you, its the cover up."

I know they don't read this, but that person is essentially dead to me. I've been trying to live by the belief that its better to sell bridges than than burn them, but every now and then you come upon one that you feel is just worthless. There is nothing I can do because I cannot control this person's actions or trust them to do anything but be petty attention whores.

But enough of this negative venting of words. What's done is done, and now that I've reacted to it, I can move on.

Labels: personal, ramblings

My long day ended at 8:30. I could finally eat dinner.

After a veggie burger, I found I was still wound up and on edge. I relaxed for half an hour and hit the gym. It was productive, it was relaxing, and I think I finally burnt off enough energy and stress so that I may sleep a peaceful sleep, for tomorrow is the season 4 office premiere, and I will be watching it with my co-workers.

And Friday is minus the bear. I can't put into words how excited I'm am to hear them play live. Its one of those "I can die happy now" moments. I've been listening to WVU's radio station (92U -- The Mouse!) and they came on today and it was one of those perfect moments where driving and music meet to be a relaxing journey.

I have a feeling I'm going to have one of those out of body experiences where I can't help how stupid I look as I move to the music (like I did the first two times I saw Death Cab play live back in the day). Katie Chang would comment that I looked like a dancing robot who's malfunctioned between funk and berserk.

But whatever. It beats doing the "stand and sway". What's the point of going to a concert and pretending you don't like the band if they're the reason you showed up? I can't wait. Even writing about it has gotten me excited about it, so I need to call this quits so I can sleep.

Labels: late night thoughts, music, pittsburgh, ramblings

The hookah bar I went to, the Sahara cafe, had an interesting conversation happening in the booth behind mine. A marine that was stationed in Al Anbar province was home visiting friends and family. He talked to the owner, an former Iraqi that's apparently a doctor in the area. I don't know this gentleman's history, but the two discussed the war. Its funny how the "grunt" admits that he doesn't know why they're over there. And that what we're trying to accomplish militarily is impossible. And that his 15 buddies died over there in senseless ambushes. And how the civilian death toll there is untold, and very, very unfortunate. The Doctor, who again is apparently an Iraqi who spent some time in Jordan (or the other way around) says that the deaths on both sides are tragic and unfortunate. He doesn't want American troops to die. He just also wants them out of Iraq. The marine agreed.

Its funny how "the right thing to do" or dare I say "the smart thing to do" is glaringly obvious even to grunts in the field -- the very people in harm's way. I think that needs to be said that the people who didn't get a chance to finish college because they had to answer the call to serve seem to actually KNOW MORE about what's going on in the world today than our countries leaders if the last presidential address and 'loyal opposition' response are any indicator.

We're past the John Kerry Vietnam testimony moment in Iraq -- How do you ask another person to die for something you know to be a mistake?

This "peace with honor" smokescreen that's being trotted out by GOP candidates was tried in Vietnam. We didn't save face there. People still try and argue that we could've won there when we easily killed over 2 million civilians (and that's a guess -- in that war, like in this one, we don't do body counts) and we dropped more bombs in that country than we did world wide in WWII. The people that make this "we could've won" argument are missing the point. You cannot military intervene for the better in a culture unless it wants you to. Or you just want to end that culture. And if its a foreign culture (e.g. a non-western background, and you're a western culture) you will be met with hostility.

This is basic stuff you're not supposed to need a history book for, but we're inundated with what's called "American Exceptionalism" -- the idea that historical trends do no apply to the United States. Our leaders will have no waterloo. Our empire will not fail, falter, or decay.

I don't know why I'm putting this out there. I guess its because two perfect strangers were talking about geopolitical events and I happen to share their thoughts, and its easier for me to quote them anon then state the same idea myself. But silence equals consent, and I do not consent to what's going on in "our" names. And I really don't care if a boss from 10 years from now googles my name and find this post. I was against the war before it started. I was against the war while it happened. I'll be against the war when its architects try to shift the blame to someone else. And I have this feeling this isn't going to be an opinion thats frowned upon 10 years from now. I have a feeling that 20 years from now when people are explaining what they did during the Iraq war, everyone's going to have a case of "I was on the right side of history -- I was against the war" story to tell their kids (and conveniently forget about all their yellow bumper magnets). And I believe this because my parents were active in the civil rights movement and the anti-war movement in Vietnam, and they found it funny how many people who did nothing and never spoke out took the "victor" side when all was said and done.

But then again, History doesn't apply to this country -- we are the exception, right?

Labels: 2007 Predictions, anti-war, free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, late night thoughts, politics, pop culture, ramblings

Saturday night was a let down. I hung out with my law school friend, MP, and her friends from Marshall. The only problem is that they were all paired up. So this left me as the 5th wheel. It was less comical than you think.

Three observations:

1. The White Tie is out of style. Everyone is doing it now. And nobody was pulling it off even nearly as well I did. Well, except the guy who was dressed up like some kind of half-sailor, half-village people tribute group member.
2. If you're not enough where you can grow facial hair, please do not sport any at a club. 95% of men can't pull off facial hair well anyway. Having some kind of scraggily scruff all over your face is not remotely appealing to anyone outside of a trailer park or middle school dance.
   
3. You must be at least 10 years of my age to have the privilege of talking to me and not creeping me out.

So all it in all, it was a low energy saturday night that left me feeling dejected and alone. I often forget (but quickly remember) that this is the default feeling for most 'single' guys on a saturday night. I'm going through the psychological shift from being in a relationship to being on my own. Studies show that people in relationships, co-dependent or not, are more confident
and happy. It does not say those who kiss their wife before they leave work, or those in happy relationship, but simply being in a relationship is a different "set" of brainspace.

As I shift from one brainspace to another, I risk imploding into some kind of self-centered (more than usual), angst-ridden, withdrawn version of myself. I've already recognized the pattern I'm falling into. So trying to surround myself with chill people who help me "move past" this phase is definitely a short-term goal. However, it also contradicts my goal of actually getting shit done for grad school. I'm starting to realize that my one "real" class is going to be more demanding than I thought. Its another "brainspace" issue. I hate theory classes.

What you want from another person is really what you want in yourself. While I don't plan on withdrawing like I did the last time I split up after a long-term relationship, I don't plan on looking for anything. Instead, I plan on seeking out the qualities I desire within. I like fun-loving people. I need to learn how to make my own fun.

Labels: love, narcissim, personal, ramblings, thoughts

(3:08:56 PM) redrobot5050: its nice to know that celebrities are campaigning for a safer road
(3:08:57 PM) valatXXXX : I am currently away from the computer.
(3:09:06 PM) redrobot5050: by switching to golf carts while DWI
(3:09:09 PM) valatXXXX: yeah, god bless them

Labels: IM conversations, ramblings

I said that "Patriotism" is a way of saying "Women and children first." And that no one can force a man to feel this way. Instead he must embrace it freely. I want to tell about one such man. He wore no uniform and no one knows his name, or where he came from; all we know is what he did.

In my home town sixty years ago when I was a child, my mother and father used to take me and my brothers and sisters out to Swope Park on Sunday afternoons. It was a wonderful place for kids, with picnic grounds and lakes and a zoo. But a railroad line cut straight through it.

One Sunday afternoon a young married couple were crossing these tracks. She apparently did not watch her step, for she managed to catch her foot in the frog of a switch to a siding and could not pull it free. Her husband stopped to help her.

But try as they might they could not get her foot loose. While they were working at it, a tramp showed up, walking the ties. He joined the husband in trying to pull the young woman's foot loose. No luck —

Out of sight around the curve a train whistled. Perhaps there would have been time to run and flag it down, perhaps not. In any case both men went right ahead trying to pull her free... and the train hit them.

The wife was killed, the husband was mortally injured and died later, the tramp was killed — and testimony showed that neither man made the slightest effort to save himself.

The husband's behavior was heroic... but what we expect of a husband toward his wife: his right, and his proud privilege, to die for his woman. But what of this nameless stranger? Up to the very last second he could have jumped clear. He did not. He was still trying to save this woman he had never seen before in his life, right up to the very instant the train killed him. And that's all we'll ever know about him.

This is how a man dies.

This is how a man... lives!

Labels: late night thoughts, quotables, ramblings, Robert A. Heinlein, thoughts

WV is under water right now because of the tropical storm or hurricane that's beating down on the east coast. I find myself freaking out because I'm driving through these giant puddles.

In contrast, driving around (or navigating) New York City, some kind of magical "mental fifth gear" kicked in. I felt like I could navigate like my life depended on it. I love that mental acuity.

***

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.

--Robert A Heinlein

I've been thinking a lot. A lot of things have been flowing in and out of my head. I'm planning what I want in life. I'm trying to stop and think of what I want in my life, and who I want in life. I'm trying to imagine what my life is going to be like. I need to learn how to see past my own nose.

I need to think of who I'm going to be 5 years from now and start becoming that person. I need to think about what kind of people I'm going to want in my life and meet those people.

***

My first day of classes started today. Something very good also happened friday at work. Between the two, its the opening of a new door for me. When the master's is completed, I'll be able to move to the D.C. area and name my price if I'm to continue government contracting. A lot of people really joke about going to college to put off reality. I think I am one of them. Getting a master's is no cake walk, and considering how I'm a lot more serious about my education this time around, its not really burying my head in the sand, but its admission that I know what I want, what it will take to get it, and that I will need to move on from here. Part of me is happy here, but the part of me that looks to the future feels I won't find true happiness here. What worries me is advice I get from my D.C. friends that aren't yuppies, and that it takes a lot of strength to deal with atmosphere in D.C.

However, part of me is thinking my future lies out in Boulder, CO, or Denver Co. I have family and friends in the area. It would not be as big a crap shoot as moving to WV was. It makes it a lot easier to get a start when you have one or both around you. I used to frown on people who did something like that, thinking they were settling or being weak -- they weren't going to a location because that's where the 'action' is, they were going there so they wouldn't be alone. And they would live out their days like, as Robert A. Heinlein, "the people who don't think and don't matter." Now I just understand that others have valued family more than I have, and its 'value' on my list of priorities has begun to change.

***

This all started from a conversation I had with my co-workers at work. We were discussing the worst way to go. One person's worst way was to burn to death. You feel the first 60% of your body burn all the way to a hot crisp. Its agony all the way until the end. The other was buried alive, forced to suffocate like those miners. Or waking up in a coffin, buried alive, facing such a confined space with little space to move, and no hope of escape.

Mine was a fear I've witnessed close up: Wasting away for years, to die a medicated mess. Eaten alive on the inside by malignant masses. Every treatment a drain on your family's strength and resources. Being a burden. Having people I love hope that I someone how beat the odds -- the death sentence pronounced multiple times by multiple oncologists -- but knowing I'm going to die anyway. That I'm past the point of no return. Everyone just sitting around watching me get worse, waiting for me to die.

Fuck burning alive. At least that's quick. And when the all the nerves in your body have failed, you'll be a in a pain free state of shock induced calm. At least you'll know that compared to what I fear, its relatively quick.

So really, the question that started it all isn't "What's the worst way to die?" but the complement of it: How do I want to live?

Labels: late night thoughts, life is short, personal, ramblings

Last week in Pittsburgh with Megan:
Me: "I'm so bad at line dancing it's not funny" (said while at a swing dancing lesson).
Her: "Really?"
Me: "Actually, it IS funny."
--Before learning (for like the 5th time) how to dance the charleston.

Now:
I'm in NYC. For a java developer conference. My trip took like 10+ hours because of PennDOT's decision to close 3 lanes of I-78E 50 miles before Jersery. I know one of my co-workers boyfriend works there -- everyone else associated with PennDOT, I wish painful, nasty things upon. It took me two grueling hours to travel something like 2 miles. All for fixing a few potholes on the interstate. Its 1:30 and I'm going to bed, I have to be up by six so I can make the registration. Then its 12 hours (give or take) of presentations.

But Nick, my friend who's putting me up for the night seems really cool.
I'm sleeping late tomorrow. But I might cut my shopping short so that I can beat the construction on I-78 (its nighttime only construction) back and not have to spend 12 hours driving.

All the best to everyone. I'm also in grad school for the readers who didn't know via Soapbox.

Labels: late night thoughts, new york city, personal, ramblings, road trips, soapbox, swing dancing, traffic

As a gopher for a local florist growing up, I learned that the biggest lesson you'll learn in life is its all about "Hurry up and wait". Its conventional wisdom that we'll rush through a lot of things in life -- I'm just realizing that July is almost gone -- and that you wait for a lot of things in life. Sometimes its the waiting for things that may not come that drives you mad.

I'm talking, of course, about waiting for my GRE analytical score. My Analytical will determine if I'm admitted to the WVU Computer Science Master's program, or if I have to re-take the GRE (at a lovely $140 expense) and do better to get in.

Why was this driving me mad? Because my landlord only gave out one mail key for both my girlfriend and myself -- and she took it with her to Jersey. And when she checks the mail and we find no analytical score -- I find myself relieved. Its out of sight, out of mind; Tomorrow is Hawaiian Shirt Friday.

So to counteract the stress eating from all this waiting, I put myself through another sprint work out, and this time met with better results. My upper abs still feel torn up, but its the kind of pain I like -- the good work out pain. 2 miles jogged, 4x100 meter sprints. Its nothing exceptional, but its a good start for working out. I'm holding off looking for a gym until I know whether or not I'm a WVU grad student.

JoniSue and I are planning a return trip to Arden with some friends. I was lucky, but I almost died there. Had I my head hit the rock at a different angle, had I been knocked unconscious and pushed downstream, I would be dead right now.

The last time I went there, everything was fine, but I was very, very, very sure in my footing. And I was really more worried about someone else taking a fall onto a rock and hitting their head than me being injured. My girlfriend doesn't exactly have cat like reflexes and balance. This time, I plan on returning and actually relaxing. My goal is to let go of my fear. This doesn't mean I won't be cautious about my movements, but I don't plan on forcing a smile for the sake not showing the slightest bit of my mortality realization.

Its late and thunder storming. The play of flashing light and thunderous sounds is somehow calming tonight. I'm exhausted and I'm going to crash. Viva la weekend.

Labels: Arden, life is short, personal, ramblings, trips, weekend

"No wonder now
I finally found
the right forumla for me

you taught me how
I play the fool
every mistake I make
I couldn't have made without you

what's said is done
and plain to see
you take it all too seriously
here's what you get from me."
(Get Up Kids, Action and Action, Something to Write Home About)

Sorry about that. The Get Up Kids just bring me back, and my iPod brought them up at the right time. It brought me back to the days where I was allowed to be a jackass on Bucknell's Radio Station, WVBU.

Highlights of this weekend:

We waited in line for the harry potter book and the madness of the Barnes and Noble in Squirrel Hill. A bunch of teens were dressed up as dementors. They stayed in character even as the humor value went stale.

Sandcastle Water park (located behind the Costco at the Waterfront) was a very fun time. As lame as it sounds, I think watersides are my new 'thing'. Coasters always freak me out. So I've never really been down with Kenny wood for the most part. Sandcastle was a lot of fun and a good way to get some sun on a Saturday afternoon. My friends from home didn't join us but I'm not going to really go into details. I just hope their relationship is okay after whatever went down.

The shadyside bar crawl was much shorter and tamer for me because Erin fell and twisted her ankle, and I stayed with her while she iced it and read Harry Potter. I played 'Gears of War' single player on 'Hardcore' and frankly felt unimpressed. I have a co-worker who rants about how next-gen the game was, but console AI is still a joke to me. I've played so much Return To Castle Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory that I'm used to human-level AI when it comes to combat.

I'm used to enemies doing this thing called "working together" to get what's called a "multiplier of force" so that killing the two of them is harder than killing either one of them individually. I'm used to artillery that is constantly targeting your defense positions. Players that lie in wait and only open fire when they've already got the head shot lined up. Console AI is still so primative it like those traveling shooting galleries of the old west where you shoot the target and hear "ping" and it falls down. All the HD graphics in the world can't change the fact its more like a linear narrative, while online gaming in something like RTCW:ET is more like a pick-up sport. There's rules and boundaries, but that's it.

Oh yeah, Erin's ankle is okay.

Sunday I spent saying Goodbye to Greg. He's moving out to Boulder, CO. and taking a job as web developer. Greg talked a little bit about the break up with Kelly, and how its messy after breaking up with someone you've dated for two and half years and lived with. I can imagine. My last break up was about as messy as it gets. Leaving someone like that is a one-way hash function: You're going to come out the other side changed, and no way to get back what you were.

I wish him well. Greg is one of my friends that I know I never need to worry about. He's smart enough to solve his problems better than anyone I know. And I know I'll no doubt visit at some point.

Latest "Honesty Box" message on my facebook:

"In general you are very nice person and you seem like you would help just about anyone out... But you can be quite annoying! You don't seem to have a clue to a lot of social things in life nor do you know how to take a hint. Sometimes you .. are almost inconsiderate of others needs, like sleep and such."

I regret that I exist as a dichotomy of social/anti-social but its what happens when I'm in a "rural" area, and yes, I feel more than qualified in calling Morgantown "rural" since I just reminded myself what REAL traffic and REAL road construction is kinda like by spending a weekend driving around Pittsburgh. I don't get together with people to just watch TV. I'm a different person outside of a weekend social setting. I regret that nobody we've made friends just likes to stay in. Or read in a coffee shop. Or calls outside of the weekend. (Matt C. I'm excluding you from this generalization because you actually make an effort.)

Its insulting when you realize there's people in your life that need alcohol to be around you. And would probably be too hungover to help you in an hour of need. In my desire to seek out fun, I've found some of the same crowd from which I fled. Life is too short to deal with fair weather friends and people who're one way streets. I have a feeling a tangential shift in my life is coming, and soon.

Labels: life is short, personal, ramblings, thoughts

This article could alternately be known as "I refuse to blame Microsoft for locking out people from media with propritary file formats" and "I don't know what to download to use a mac". Hint: Its a piece of free software called "VLC".

Labels: links, Mac, ramblings

I got into a car accident today. I rear ended someone. I managed to hit them so lightly, that the only damage was that I put some of the "dark wax" that I had buffed onto my car that day (to hide scratches) was transfered onto their car.

But I did exchange insurance information. And it still sucked.


Grad School application is complete. Transcript has been over nighted to WVU. GREs scheduled for next thursday. I'm planning on throwing a party afterward. Wings. Gamecube. Liquor. That's how I get over standardized tests.

Labels: personal, ramblings, thoughts

When I was 17, my first girlfriend gave me a treasury of poems compiled by Sarah Anne Stuart. Its a popular tome. Inscribed in it is my favorite love poem, the human touch by Spencer Michael Free.

The Human Touch

Tis the human touch in this world that counts,
The touch of your hand and mine,
Which means far more to the fainting heart
Than shelter and bread and wine;
For shelter is gone with the night is o'er.
And bread lasts only a day,
But the touch of the hand and the sound of the voice
Sing on in the soul always.

Every time my faith in the world is shaken, I re-read this wisdom.
Its short, sweet, and to me, meaningful. Due to some grad school-related stress, I've felt the need to reach deep and find something to calm down my otherwise high-strung self.

I hope this wisdom can help you, the reader of this page, through a trying time as well.

Labels: love, personal, ramblings

"Stay Stay Stay" By Bedford, off of Smiles Are The Batteries (link below)

It may be true I've fallen for you
and its the worst single thing I could do

For if you knew how I really feel
you would be scared away
I think you know what I'm going to say
Stay .... Stay ... Stay ...

it may be true I'm kinda blue
and just one sure fuck you
say night good and good morning night
I swear my intentions are pure

I think you know what I'm going to say
stay stay stay
true

its meaning to you
and I guess its time you knew
this night won't end
with us as friends
you know what I want to do

I think you know what I'm going say
Stay Stay Stay

and if you don't believe me
I swear every word and you know its true
and if you don't believe me
i said i said i said "I do"

it may true
it may be right
we'll figure it all out after tonight
so close that door
its almost four
we've only got two hours till the light



I think you know what I'm going say
Stay Stay Stay

and if you don't believe me
I swear every word and you know its true
and if you don't believe me
i said i said i said i said "I do"

I can't believe I've fallen for you
and its the worst single thing I could do
'cause if you knew how I truly feel
you would be scared away
I think you know what I'm going to say
Stay.....Stay.....Stay.....
04-bedford_-_stay_stay_stay-fkk.mp3


Another song that always brings me back. I remember singing along to this live. Go Local Scene.

Labels: indie rock, lewisburg, love, music, personal, ramblings, thoughts

# posted by Chris Wilson : 2:39:00 PM  1 comments links to this post

I thought I'd post a few of my favorite things on my website. Friends are of course welcome to comment.


First off: Favorite Bond that does not involve Sean Connery:

What can I say? The Bad Boy Bond rocks.

This next picture is a "screw up". I was trying to take a self portrait of Melissa (my friend's wife) and me when home for thanksgiving this past year. I ended up photographing a picture of her eye, and my teeth. She constantly tells me I'm a horrible photographer. She probably hates this picture. Me, I love it. Even though its a screw up, you can tell we were happy when this picture was taken. That's all the picture was meant to say. And it makes me smile when I think of the good times with hometown heros, especially when I miss them.


Here's the finished product. Its not half bad, either.


Here's my favorite "Me Expressing My Thoughts About the Greek System @ Pitt" Picture. But I'm not bitter.


Favorite Cat / Chinese Cooking Picture.

My new thing is shoes. I guess the "drool for shoes" aspect of JPOD (by Douglas Coupland) rubbed off on me. I'm really into cool shoes. These are my new running shoes -- Addias Goodyears. They're made from recycled race car tires. They're designed for distance road races. They look like golf cleats. And they were $39.99 on sale.






Here's my other favorite pair of shoes. These are "Diesel" brand shoes. Very, very comfortable. I'd recommend a pair to anyone that can afford them. (They're $80 when not on sale, which is pricey to me.) Girls, don't miss out. If you have big feet, see if you can fit into a men's size 8 and try them on.





Favorite Car Picture I've recently taken: This one. Its a Lotus. It was parked in the last line of parking spaces at my grocery store.






Favorite Comedian: David Cross. His stand up is incredibly raw and political and angry, and I like it that way.



Favorite License Plate: This one.

Labels: blogging, cars, cat, Frat's Suck, movies, personal, pictures, ramblings

This is another post where I put up links from Reddit.com.


Here's some favorite quotes from Chuck Palahniuk -- the author of Fight Club, Survivor, Invisible Monsters, and Rant (and many more!)


Learning By Example: How Bad Code Proprogates. This talks about how some tech books have incredibly poorly written code samples (and even worse when it comes to editing, formatting, etc) and while a good/great programmer might be able to grasp what the author was hinting at and build a top notch implementation, the average or poor programmer will re-use the bad example code without understanding.

The Republicans are on the wrong side of history. This is a commentary article on the GOP Primary "debates", and how not a single candidate would support gays in the military. The commentator goes on to compare "seperate but equal" the phrase of segregation to "don't ask, don't tell", which is our current policy. Its well worth a read. If anything, you'll find yourself agreeing that there's a huge lack of leadership and vision on both camps.

Reactance is the psychological principal where one does the opposite of what one is persuading them to do. Such as teens drinking because alcohol is prohibited. Or kids rebelling because of the rules being too strict.

Pictures of Iraq, as seen through soldiers' eyes. I found this to be pretty moving. Some people took pictures of spots where comrades had fallen. Others just declared their love for their girlfriend Kelly on the side of their tank.

Crod Porn: A photographer on flickr.com took pictures of people's faces in a mosh pit waiting for the Red Hot Chili Peppers to come on stage. Everyone was stripped down to minimal clothing, hot, sweaty, and with a look of anguish on their face. It looks like an orgy (but isn't) -- and not the good kind. (Links are safe for work).

Labels: AJAX, links, pictures, politics, pop culture, quotables, ramblings, Reddit, thoughts

This thursday I was so stressed out I ended up running about 5 miles at Morris Park.

Then a friend tells me shes very likely going to lose her baby because of a pre-existing medical condition.

It really put my problems in perspective.

Things can always be harder.

A friend of mine told she's not ready to date either of her gentleman callers because she's emotionally unavailable because of a past relationship. I told her that we all promise not to hurt the ones we love, as we stand, knives at the ready. That's why it all cuts so deep.

It comes with the territory.

I'm moving this weekend. Its so my better half can be closer to school and work and friends. A lot of people in the past two days have actually stepped forward (who originally balked) to help move. When you're helping someone move a water bed, you know you're being selfless. And that also puts friendship into perspective.

In closing, if you're not thankful to be who you are, right now, alive and surround by friends who care about you welfare, you're probably beyond help. At least be thankful you didn't write these emo quotes that were posted on Xanga journals.

Labels: ramblings, thoughts

I've been meaning to write an update for a while, but with a move going on, seeing a friend off before he leaves for Australia, and just the usual apathy to blog about what little goes on my life that I feel comfortable broadcasting on the internet have led to a minor back up in content worth writing about.

I've been reflecting a lot. And I've been thinking about Patterns. In the terminology of a software engineer, a Pattern is supposed to be a term that describes a problem or solution to a problem. This way, previously recognized problems that have already been addressed by optimal solutions can be accurately described between one engineer and another -- they're 'above the domain'. (You can find a basic definition and more about the phrase "Design Pattern" here.

I've been thinking about Patterns with respect to personal interaction or personal relationships. I want to explicitly state that I'm steering away from archetype or stereotypes in a way to classify the people you meet. I'm more interested in how a pattern, or at least an acknowledged similarity in situations and interactions, and it gives us a predictability with respect to people that fall into that pattern.

Here's an example of the kind of predictive power I'm talking about. In my first relationship, my love at the time left for college before I did. In fact, where she went to college pretty much decided for me where I was going to go to college. I went to visit her in October, and that's where I met one of her close friends, Brad. Sometime during watching Rocky Horror Picture Show on halloween, Brad started playing with a Sharpie marker, and started writing on my girlfriend. Harmless flirting, right?

Fast forward a year until I'm a freshmen in college with my good friend M.H. M.H. had a cute asian boyfriend that was a guitarist for a semi-popular band at temple. They were trying to do the whole distance relationship thing. M.H. definitely had her doubts about it, but she was in love and headstrong about it, which is really the only way to be about it, and when she went to visit him at Temple, she discovered that several girls has written on his stomach and hips with a sharpie marker.

Now, my only evidence here is anecdotal, and had they lasted through college (which, when you evaluate the odds statistically speaking, was practically zero unless one of them transferred after the first year. Let's all just acknowledge that the only two things relationships have going for them are geographical proximity and the momentum of the relationship. Losing one and you've still got one engine left on which to limp around with. Lose both and you're plummeting out of the sky.) my point would be null and void, but I guess my point is that I've been hanging around college-age students since I was 16. So for the past 9 years I've watched people go through the same struggles over and over -- myself included.

I have seen people deal with the fear of being liked and fitting into the group -- again and again. I have seen people deal with the fear of rejection by pushing away or over-compensating. I've seen the couples where both people are too apathetic to make any changes in their life which would really result in their hapiness -- they are doomed to be each other. I have seen one person put it all on the line for the love of another, only to have to slink off to the corner and lick their wounds.

In some ways, I can predict the endings and they seem as packaged as the series finale of friends. In others, I know I have the ability to change the discourse -- and the direction, but so far, at least here in WV, I've made a point to stay out of people's lives. Let their business be their business.

The reason I've been reflecting upon this so much because I've noticed a certain stability about my pattern since graduation. I've been the graduate who's sticking around and making friends with college students that can go to bars. I'm not ashamed of it, as I'm only so personable and I had to make friends when I moved to an area where I knew nobody, but I feel its been one of the factors of my life that's inhibiting my personal development. I've been the guy showing off what little success I've had and showing people what might be "the smarter set" of options for them to consider when they're graduates. I find it easy to involve myself and advise people on the little problems that border on the menial intrigues of life.

It's like being the oldest. You can guide people through the paths you've walked and tell them about the decisions you've made and the regrets you have, but you don't really know what's over the next horizon. You know a few people buying their first house, their first 'dream car' or simply building a home entertainment center on credit card, but you don't see any of the real struggles or problems, and you're not part of that loop where they'd come to you for help, so there's no pattern for you copy in your own happiness.

You have to blaze a trail. And you alone have to hope it ends up leading towards that elusive goal of long term happiness.

I'm trying to come up with a strategy that's better than "this works for me" and "allow me to defend what's working for me to people who I feel do not share my unconventional world views". And that requires growth. Growth at this point isn't something that's hard to come by these days, but direction is. I need a direction to grow.

For geeks, as I've said before, the direction that seems most natural is what I call the 'horizontal' growth. Learn more career related skills. Branch out more. Increase your employability. I can do that all I want, but at the end of the day, I don't think the programming language I sling code in is going to have a measurable effect in my quality of life in the long term compared to devoting my energy into other efforts to do so.

What's a geek to do when there's no existing tribal wisdom for what ails him?

Labels: late night, life is short, personal, ramblings, thoughts

Can't afford a home? Don't worry -- your taxes will pay for someone else's!

This article talks about how now that the housing market is collasping, house prices are falling. So if you were intelligent and have good credit, now would be a good time to buy, except that some states are issuing tax-income subsides and state-bond backed loans to people who took advantage of the sub prime lending craze. So home prices aren't dropping -- benefiting the rich who bought homes at inflated values, and benefiting those who have already proven they are a bad credit risk. So basically, in many states right now, you are being penalized for doing the right thing and being a responsible citizen.

Switching to CFLs world wide could lead to the shut down of over 270 coal fired power plants.

This is one of the low-hanging fruit we can all take part in (and save a few dollars ourselves in the long run) that benefits both our wallet and the environment.

Here's an article titled: Giving up on Microsoft

The guy basically talks about how his perception of computing was "Why do people hate Microsoft so much?" Then he actually tried to develop to web standards and found that nothign really works with Microsoft. Its more complicated than that. He makes overtures about reaching across the isle and what not, but this article deserves a full response blog post.

Men's Health: Genius Junk Food

It turns out things like sour cream and pork rinds and coconut won't kill you if you use them in moderation.

Report shows consumers being price gouged at the gas pump

This one is from the "As if anybody didn't know" department.

Labels: ramblings, Reddit, thoughts

Cinco De Mayo this year was definitely about hedonism here in my little sector of the universe. I saw this because instead of tossing back a drink or two and sobering up before I even felt tipsy, I entered that state of entertainingly drunk where someone was actually able to convince me that the phrase, "You're the biggest douchebag I know" is actually a compliment, and half succeeded.

I'd like to point out to anyone that's actually reading this via my facebook blog feed on my profile that facebook is NOT Las Vegas. After being told who my new office roommate is going to be in a month, when she graduates from WVU's graduate CompSci program, I immediately found her on facebook. I messaged her and sent a friend request. Just trying to welcome her to her new career. I have not been face booked back. This could be that she is not addicted to face book like some of the people that I know, or that after viewing my profile, she's decided to hit up Monster.com and find somewhere else to work, but the devilish part of me wonders if she read the message and thought to hide pics of her drinking for fear of giving a bad impression.

Wait till she learns our company has an open bar at the company Christmas party, and how the team I'm on, since we've had a good year, celebrated with a huge helping of shots. Without naming any names, somebody who's never puked before met Mr. Jagerbomb and defiled a bathroom at Bent Willey's.

I guess I'm talking about this because of the obvious: Change causes trepidation. Especially the little changes. I have less stress over the decision to move here from Pittsburgh than I do knowing that in a few weeks I'll be occupying my supervisor's old office. All the space issues I have with my current office mate have been worked out. When I have an ocular migraines, he's comfortable working with the lights out, even as I struggle through the aftershock headache once I get my vision back. I know to crank my iPod volume up when he's doing metrics for his system -- they always seem to backfire at times and require a reboot of his system once or twice. This involves a lot of swearing on his part. He doesn't even look twice when I walk in later than usual with no real excuse except "I plan on staying late today" (this usually means I was unable to hear my alarm -- which is just my cell phone -- or I simply overslept from a late night.)

So I'm curious to know if I'm going to be able to ramble on about xkcd comics and "The Office" or if I'll have to incorporate more of the 'chit chat' style of talking: What's the difference between a 'classic' and an 'open' golf tournament. How about them mountaineers? Talk about this beautiful/crazy/depressing/enjoyable weather we're having so much of today? What's the deal with this memo from HR?

If you can't tell, I still carry a protective 'shell' around me at work. Maybe because between my last workplace experience and a relationship without trust have left me partially open to the idea that I'm just a difficult person to be around.

The progression goes 'quirky' to 'difficult' to 'douchebag' (one again, a tip of the hat and a wag of the finger to Ms. Sly -- you're quite the cheeky one.) to 'total asshole'. And while I've never vowed to be so hateful and petty as the 'top performers' at my last work place -- who, as the universe as my witness -- must've been sexually aroused by the thought of humiliating people they worked with -- I'd like to think that I leave the more abrasive parts of my personality at home. I have a job to do.

And so do the people around me.

So while there are articles appearing left and right (usually because some PR firm paid for them that you're to scrub and sanitize your myspace and facebook profile as employers are looking in with that 'we don't get it' and 'we are a morality police, and if you so much as drink a beer in your free time and/or enjoy life, we will hire someone else' I say embrace the hedonism. Let go a little. People who work hard play hard. And an entry level salary is a poor excuse for why you're conforming, anyway.

Whatever you do, be proud of it. Let go and embrace it. Just don't start up a blog about how much you love your 4 cylinder sports sedan, your cats, and other things that people don't really care about. It bores all of us to tears.

Labels: life is short, personal, ramblings, thoughts

I'm back. I've just been pretty boring lately. Been working on my car, getting ready for a move, and staying up late. Its the usual.

I was planning on going to see Fallout Boy and My Chemical Romance tonight, and my gf even took off work the next day so she'd be able to recover from being out late, but one band's lead signer got sick and the other group got food poisoning. All of this happened in Penn State, which is something like 45 minutes driving distance from where I was born, and if you follow this to its logical conclusion, it obviously not a hospitable climate to rock bands. Or anyone.

Besides, any sports fan can tell you that a "Nittany Lion" is a fucking PANTHER. Only they couldn't have a PANTHER as their mascot because a better school that had been founded 100 years before they were had already snagged it. They had to settle for "Nittany Lion" as a way of announcing to the world "we were pre-Ownzored, we get it."

As Indie Rock Pete would say, "I'm a rocker. I rock out."

Labels: ramblings

I am a geek, and like all geeks, I know a little something about myself. I know that I've gotten into the zone before when it comes to developing. Its that lucid moment of azure brilliance when the entire system you're working on clicks. You can see its future shape, in its entirety, and all movements to implement it fade out of consciousness. You are no longer actively creating it here, planning ahead on what modules will be impacted by your most recent changes, but simply willing the visualized system into its perfect form. Everything else becomes white noise.

Days like that are precious. Not just because work wise you're able to leap over tall buildings with a single bound, but because that sense of accomplishment can negate stress in a way nothing else can.

I'm not having any days like this recently. Without a hot streak, work can drag on. Little stresses, like tiny cracks in a dam, feel like they're expanding. You feel downtrodden. Like its continually day 3 of quitting smoking.

And its not because of anything work related. In fact, I feel that the cause is what's happening outside of work. My life is getting more complex faster than I can scale. In short, I am overwhelmed, and there's no quick fix, so I end up doing what little I can, plowing through the mess, and losing as little sleep over it as possible.

It sounds naive, but I know myself, and I like life on auto pilot. Searching for new apartments, shopping for better insurance, tuning up my car in less than scheduled intervals, dealing with new medical benefits, all of it. Its disruptive to my concentration. With all that in the forefront of my brain, how am I supposed to have that flash of inspiration in the shower that shows me how to fix a show stopping bug that's left everyone clueless for a week in 15 minutes?

Its a quirk. Some people can deal with complexity better than others. I know people who keep signing up for 0% APR credit cards for the first year and moving all their debt around. Me, I worry about how all that revolving credit adds up, and keeping track of each card to me and what perks and point that come with just seems like a waste of brain space. I prefer the method of sticking with the cards that you have and avoid paying interest by not carrying a balance.

Some people can sign up for some free trial service for a perk, and avoid paying a dime for it by returning said perk or canceling said perk before the 30-day trial period is up. I know they're counting on me to forget and make most of their money by having people get burned by their scam trial. That con outweighs any pro to me.


It boils down to the "life as a system" view. I know I inherently prefer non-orthogonal systems, where as your life is orthogonal. One thing affects another. An example of this domino effect is here: Your commute affects your morning mood. Your morning mood affects your afternoon mood. Your afternoon mood affect your evening mood. And so on. (I don't really have a commute, since I live 2.0 miles from parking space to parking space, its just an example).

I would very much not hate the devil's in the details digging around that is forced upon me from time to time if they were less orthogonal in terms of impact.

Labels: late night, personal, ramblings

You know how some people have that "happy place"?

Today I ended up in the opposite of the happy place -- the "terror place".

It looks a lot like the clown bed that made Bart Simpson state, "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me...."

Labels: personal, ramblings

I'd like to respond to a comment left by RainDog:

In all seriousness though, I think the problem of young people being too narcissistic is very real, and all it takes is looking at American Idol to see the sort of self-delusion people get themselves into. There is value in finding the right balance between modesty and self-confidence. None of that gets inherently gets in the way of having a good time in your youth.

In a recent playboy interview by Simon Cowell, the "Asshole we love to hate" of American Idol fame, he points that brutal honesty is a rare commodity for teens, and when he tell a 17 year old singer at their first audition that they will never have a career in singing, some of them actually say, "Thanks for being upfront. You've saved me a lifetime of embarrassment and humiliation."

Anyway, for the sake of argument, since I have a feeling that if I do a good job of arguing my point, RainDog, with his poker face wisdom and succinct writing will promptly skewer me in a way that's both entertaining and education for all.

I don't think American Idol is narcissistic, unless of course, democracy and soap operas are by nature narcissistic. American Idol is basically a soap opera meets talent competition. There are some competitors you hate from the get go. Some you root for because you identify them as the underdog. Others are the clean cut, all American musician. Their character, or their persona, if you will, strikes a chord in us by resembling an archetype we easily identify with either positively or negatively.

And towards the end of the show, the text messaging/dialing in votes for a nominal fee is the way the finalists "win" American Idol.

How is this narcissistic compared to the old days where they only way a musical group could get any traction in the mainstream was endless self promotion that resulted in selling out to whatever recording representative decided to make you offer?

If anything, American Idol teaches us what's wrong with democracy, not kids these days. People should be charged for the right to vote (and no, I don't mean taxes, I mean a simple, "To vote in today's presidential election, it will cost $1.99" surcharge. When you consider how many people will vote over and over for their favorite artist, spending in excess of $10 on text messaging the show, it seems that a little bit of marketing and commercialism could perhaps raise our pathetic voter turn out. Maybe Simon should be moderating our next presidential debate.

The other "big two" people point their fingers at when denouncing this modern generation are the social networking sites that target the young. Namely, Facebook and MySpace.com.

However, these arguments are basically groundless and here's why: Its just a website. Where people share news and photos. Do you think that the college republicans of previous generations didn't have a scrapbook of photos and a historian? Do you think the fraternities and sororities of the last generation didn't assemble their photos into albums or make copies of photo prints for their friends?

They did. Its just that now the process has gone digital. And more and more people are being a little bit more open about -- the barrier of entry to one of your peer's social group has been lowered. If just slightly. Can a complete stranger find embarrassing pictures of someone they know on Facebook? Sure. Could this damage someone's career? Maybe, but I'm going to say doubtful.

I find the whole "these pictures of drinking and smoking will make it harder for you to get a job" argument to be essentially groundless. Lost opportunities? Is it an opportunity to work for an employer that's going to turn around a month after hiring me and say, "Who is this person? They're not at all like the person I interviewed a month ago...". I think not.

Our generation is living in a time when openness is revealed as the idea. 50 years ago, psychologists would been busy committing anyone who admitted they were a homosexual. Society tried to brush it under the rug as a mental disease. Now, if you're on a college campus, you'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't have a gay friend. And while ignorance, intolerance, and bad jokes are still prevalent, the tolerance displayed today is a bit more than a baby step from electro-shock therapy.

What is one of the most unifying rallying cry of both left and right with respect to U.S. politics? Transparency. Its another word for openness. Release the notes and attendance log of the energy policy meetings. Release the intelligence behind Iran's "meddling" in Iraq (or at least cite a source).

The argument has been made before, and will be made again, that the leaders of past cultural movements -- the Dylans and Doles, played their part during the times both because of their ideals and their profit motive. So while previous generations look down for our narcissism, we look back in hindsight and do the same.

Why is it narcissism when a teen rails against having a curfew in his blog, but altruism when Eric Meyer or Jeffery Zeldman rail against the poor Cascading Style Sheets support in IE7? Is Eric or Jeff being altruistic, even when conferences all across the country are offering them moneybags to come speak at keynotes and teach workshops on web standards and and clean layout design? Or can we concede there might be a bit of narcissism in their profit/reputation oriented blogging as well?

Labels: blogging, narcissim, personal, ramblings, thoughts, today's generation

This is not what guys mean when they say, "I like it when she's bald."
This is not what guys mean when they say, "Curtains match the carpet."

But as long as it gets the rancid, rotting corpse of Anna Nicole Smith off the front page, I'm all for it.

Labels: ramblings, today's generation

(I decided to publish this after all....)

Pop open the bubbly. I just realized this is my 400th post.

But I don't hear any applause because I haven't been putting anything engaging on this blog for a while, and its been ages that its been interesting. I realize this, bit a lot of the things on my mind are things I can't write about. Or to be more precise, I won't write about it. I save all the good stuff for my soapbox mailing list.

So let me fill you in the what I'll call "the tiny", which is the little bits of my life that I feel most comfortable about talking about.

A friend of mine leaves for Colorado this Monday. This will be the start of her 'real world' experience. Paying bills, paying rent, car payments, car insurance, working 40 hrs/week for a salary and benefits. Having to deal with the subtle difference between having a career and working a job. I'm taking off work to see her off from Pittsburgh this Monday. I haven't seen her since she left for Australia, but I've been helping her over Skype with some car buying advice. I'm also interested in seeing how sweet the 07 civic is up close.

She said she was afraid of what's ahead but she knew that if she didn't get out when she did, she might never. I know the feeling entirely. I'm glad she has selected a path of professional and personal growth, but that was one thing about her I was always confident about -- that she'd grow.

Its going to be tragic hearing her tell me how terrible a person I am for the last time (until the next time).

I haven't had any new optical migraine attacks which have caused temporary blindness in a while. Their disappearance seems to coincide with my quitting smoking for the umpteenth time. I have, however, just recently developed an intermittent ringing in my left ear at a very high frequency. I heard William Shatner developed something like this as a result of a 'special effect' gone wrong on the set of the original series of Star Trek. It apparently got bad enough that he considered suicide for a year before something came to the rescue. It sounds like that 'teen repellent'.

I've started bringing a brand of french vanilla coffee to work, and when nobody's looking, I use the spare coffee pot to brew up a batch. I brew it extra strong, like we did for our 'morning brew' at my last workplace. I've been secretly hoping someone who prefer the coffee and give me props. I did get props. One or two of the other engineers like my 'unleaded' french vanilla.

I know, talk about vanity. But coffee at my last workplace was a capital 'C' issue -- Coffee. Even though I wasn't a convert to the church of starbucks, it was something that I took interest in. The coffee here is nothing special. I am merely trying to improve upon it in my own humble way by enabling choice. Its the same reason I volunteer my time to collect recycling in our building space.

New music to the iPod: Handsome Boy Modeling School, Day In The Life, Dido, Thievery Corporation (The Cosmic Game and The Mirror Conspiracy), Panic At The Disco, The Used, and a lot more. I wish the iPods were compatible across chip platforms. If you have an iPod that works with a G4/G5, it shows up as broken when plugged into a x86 Mac Book Pro.

And now for the 400th post kicker. A 'big story'.

I've decided to tell a very odd story, where all the names but mine have been changed to protect the innocent.

Back when I lived in south side, there was a friend of mine in her senior year of school. Being a bit of party girl, she'd twist her girlfriend's arms and go out to the south side as much as possible. I'd often get drug out with the gang, the only guy at a girl's night out. She'd always flirt with some guy, and get him to buy her drinks. I'd laugh it off, because whatever we had, it wasn't a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

But she always asked me to rescue her. And I always did. I'd end up losing sleep, feeling exhausted, doing crappy work at my crappy job, but no matter how many times I said "I'm leaving at midnight, I don't care if she's flirting with someone or how many drinks she's had." I found myself there by her side at last call. I'd always make sure she got to sleep, safe and sound.

Three weeks before we stopped speaking to each other, I remember a small hypothetical conversation. What would I do if I was a girl and I found out I was pregnant? I thought long and hard, but I couldn't give a 'right' answer. I just didn't know. I've always found myself politically on the side of pro-choice, but it comes down to the belief that people can make up their mind on what's best for them. "You're the first guy I know who didn't just say 'get rid it' right away," she said. I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but I thought nothing of it at the time.

A week ago, a mutual friend said something to me, and when replaying my day before sleep, this hypothetical conversation popped into my mind and I sat bolt upright, considering the very possible overtones that I definitely ignored after being told it was all just a 'close call'.

There is no way what I am thinking could be true. There is no way I would be kept in the dark. Not about something like that. Right?

"She is the queen of secrets," echoed in my head.

This thought experiment's conclusion shook me to my core.

In 2004, I was probably a little out there. I was more than irresponsible. Immature could've been a summation of most of my personality quirks. But if I were to bring a new life into this world, intentional or no, don't think for a second I'd run from that responsibility. You can grow up very fast when someone is counting on -- really counting on you. I'd "man up", and I'd be there. All growth is comes from a combination of passion, determination, and need.

The story ends with me sitting upright in bed in the dark at 2 in the morning, telling myself that it didn't happen, it can't be, and that I've really got some real sleep, and forget it all. I never rescued anyone from a situation they didn't create, and the same goes for those who've rescued me.

The other side of the coin is oft overlooked. As much as I've ended friendships by saying the wrong thing or not holding back, the soapbox list is coming up on its 8th birthday. It started as a way to have an easy and quick way to reach the friends you never want out of touch. The people who shape your life. And I wouldn't be videotaping their wedding vows if I wasn't there for them. I wouldn't make a point to see my friends off. I wouldn't have refused to throw away a 4 year friendship with chuck over department politics.

I hope this is real enough for some of you silent readers. Enjoy your weekend.

Labels: music, ramblings

Today I learned that my little town of Fairmont, WV, has been placed under an emergency water conservation order. Since its not summer and people aren't watering their lawns or washing their cars, there's little one can do, except run your dishwasher and washing machine as little as possible, and cut your showers as short as possible.

The town is also under an emergency water-boil order. The water has to be boiled for a full 60 seconds before it can be considered safe for human consumption.

The only reasonable thing explanation to this is some of the old mains in the town have frozen and ruptured. The water company has not been able to find the leaks. This leads people to believe one of two things:

The first is that its one of the old mains that runs east-west across the Tygart river, because if a main is leaking a million gallons of water per day, and nobody's noticing where, its probably leaking into the same river they're pulling from.

The second is that this whole region is a big mining region. One of the mains is probably leaking, and its filling up some old mineshaft, which can probably flood for a long, long time before anyone notices.

It is my guess that in order to resolve this, the water company is going to have to shut down its water mains one by one, to find the one that's leaking.

I'm also glad someone told me about this at work, because I don't really pay attention to local news on TV or the local paper.

Anyway, its kinda remarkable that even in 2007, as futuristic as we think of it, we're still pretty wasteful of water because we take it for granted, and that our 'modern' infrastructure for stuff like this is still potentially 50-90 years old.

Labels: Fairmont, ramblings, water

"Love is when you will let your woman make you a sandwich that you will eat while watching the Superbowl."
--My friend Chuck

Labels: love, me trying to be funny, quotables, ramblings, thoughts

This guy has been playing Wii sports for 6 weeks (lucky bastard) and has actually lost weight from all the active movements. He's gone from 181 lbs. to 172 lbs.

And that's from video games.

Its just another reason why I want one. Its too bad they're impossible to find (right now).

Labels: Gaming, Nintendo Wii, ramblings

The author of the blog Furious Seasons, a former professional journalist, decided to rant about this whole "web 2.0" thingie.

The hilarious part is that the buzzword "web 2.0" was made up by, get this, a print publisher. Not by geeks. He then went on to asset that online news -- mainly bloggers performing citizen journalism -- were a bad thing. They must be -- because they're gutting print media. Just like google is gutting classified advertising, the mainstay of print journalism. He then tells the "web 2.0" geeks that they have no balls, and no soul.

Being an engineer and a web developer, I thought I'd respond. Here is the comment I posted. I have a feeling it won't get past his moderation. It seems he's worried about catching quite a few flames.

I wonder why?

Update: He has posted more comments, and mine made it through his moderation filter.

Hahahahaha. Right. Google is bad because effective search with minimal advertising (yes, *minimal* -- and very easy to block with almost no knowledge, if that's how you roll) made the net usable.

You're a journalist. Stop and self-examine yourself. What is it a journalist does that a regular person with a blog doesn't do? Nothing. Blogging -- citizen journalists have already surpassed mainstream media (MSM) in content.

Let's see, thanks to your profession, we let this administration get away with calling anti-war activists 'un-American'. We had out-spoken politicians that raised serious, legitimate doubts about the war silence. We had the manipulated intelligence scandal AFTER finding there were no WMDs. Great timely reporting there, thanks MSM.

We had a CIA operative outed -- once again, thanks your government shilling. Speaking of PROFRESSIONAL journalism doing a better job than citizen journalists, where was the fact-checking on "They will greet us a liberators"?

Why is it the editors of the NYT stood alone in referring to GWB as "Mr. Bush" and not "President Bush"? Why will the editors of major publications run Op-Eds slamming the presidents, but won't go on the record for or against impeachment?

Your profession was kindly referred to as the "4th estate". You had a responsibility in keeping the citizen informed on the important events or not -- regardless of the citizen's apathy. Your profession pissed it all away for full-color sports pages and Dear Abby. Throw in a couple of press releases ("New gizmo reduces pollution in coal plants, so we at Coal International want you to know that coal isn't bad for the environment.") passed off as News and a bunch of crappy ads and you've got a modern newspaper.

There's nothing really modern about it. *Gasp*.

You're still trying to tell me how fabulous the emperor's new clothes are, over all the laughter coming from the citizen journalists at the blog party.

A journalist talking to an engineer about balls and soul is like a nun trying to give sex advice to a porn star. Seriously, what kind of drugs are you ON?

Here's an informative story you can run by your editor: The CEO of American Bridge, in 2004, while speaking at the University of Pittsburgh, stated "The liberal arts degree of the 21st century will be engineering and science." What he means to say is something soft on science/engineering will basically relegate to you an overpaid high school graduate. If you want to do anything meaningful, go to law school, enter politics, run a business, get a real job, you will need an engineering/science degree. Don't believe me? Ask the 400,000 Chinese engineers that graduate every year, as they steamroll past our soon-to-be declining economy.

Labels: ramblings, Reddit, thoughts, web 2.0

Prepare yourself for yet another stream of incoherent ramblings.

1. A friend of mine recently confessed to me a rather hilarious story. He and his girlfriend visited the low-rent strip club outside of our sleepy town of fairmont aptly nicknamed 'Dirty Vegas'. DV is known for its scantily clad women, and for the fact that it has an open touching policy. For a mere $2 *yes, I find it funny that its $2* the comely lass will provide you a dollop of moisturizer, and pretend to like it when you rub it on her T or A. And for $3, you can receive a mini-lapdance on stage, in front of all the other shady patrons.

My friend and protagonist of the story, in his infinite wisdom, decided to buy one of these mini lapdances for his girlfriend. I have known this couple (who will remain nameless) for as long as they've been together, and I can't think of a more straight laced women. I imagine convincing her of such an adventure must've required begging or blackmail, but I wasn't blunt enough to ask.

Let it be known that strippers apparently take more liberties with their female customers, and for this customer, it was apparently to far when her shirt was pulled up and *gasp*, like Janet Jackson, a nipple was exposed for all onlooking customers.

My friend confessed to me because we're cut from the same cloth. We admire the same kind of character. Call it seasoned. Call it street smart. Call it battle scared. We admire people who can make mistakes and learn to laugh about it. Call it a life experience and consider it water under the bridge.

I have another old friend who lived like this. She and I go way back to freshmen year. We grew distant, but through it all, because of this ability to laugh off mistakes, a trait we shared, we always gave ourselves away in conversations to one another. Like I time I could hear the regret she felt for liking a friend of mine. Deep down, she knew that despite having a physique that left her moist, his demeanor was that of an asshole, and it wouldn't change now matter how bad she wanted it to. And she had better fish to try.

Through the whole experience, and the name calling for all sides, I can respect the mistake making process. After all, the only thing worse than being talked about is NOT being talked about.

The light in our eyes and the smile on our lips that comes from enjoying life. Whether enjoying life comes in the form of making out to radiohead, writing a screenplay, a finely composed sonnet, or Miss USA making out with Miss Teen USA, in the end the defining moment of the experience is not what you accomplished or what people think you've accomplished, but how you feel about it. And if that's true, you should choose to feel good about everything you do. Regret is not really the virtue its paraded out to be, but more a failing of the short sighted. Maybe that's a bold statement, but everything counts towards something. Can it really be a mistake if you choose to make it?

2. Confidence. I feel there are two types of confidence. There is internal confidence, which comes from the conviction that you can do it. This is just something you feel inside you, and its hard to shake. Then there is external confidence, which is confidence you get from other people believing in you. This is something that's built up by clapping parents cheering for you at track meets, or attending the fall play to see how badly you butcher lysander's lines.

For myself, I've always barrowed off the character I inherited in a ShadowRun campaign. His mentality was, "You're only as good as your last job." This lead me to take praise from others with a severe grain of salt. I guess I learned early on to value the opinions of others only lightly. I think, looking back at this, its because I was incredibly goal focused as a kid, and was always planning on leaving my small town, intending on doing great things. It tends to make a lot of things in life fade away into the background chatter of your continue progress to "the future" where things, you tell yourself, will magically "get better". I even remember doubting in my mind the veracity of my first love's words when she said, "You are beautiful".

In hindsight, this attitude is almost contemptible. Think about it: You're essentially accepting that your immediate surrounds aren't perfect and aren't making you happy, but rather than strive to change it for the better, you're prepared to wait things out. Granted, for young people, as I was, this is simply the most realistic option. But a family is nothing but a collection of people. If there is something that needs to be changed, it has to start from within you, and inspire others.

The confidence I had was mostly internal. I had made up my mind what I was going to do. I knew what fascinated me and kept me occupied. Even when things appeared difficult, I was essentially unflappable. I would adapt; I would learn, I would overcome. Whatever it takes was just a way of life. I know that last sentence will resonate with some of our engineering graduates.

I have often wondered how to better create confidence in the people around me. I've often failed. This whole post could somehow be considered a rationalization, but don't stop now: hear me out. I feel my failure is a result of either trying to create external confidence -- which cannot come from a sole source, but from a support network, and is something I've grown up inherently devaluing. I also feel I fail at creating internal confidence because I created my own so long ago, and its just carried me with its own momentum. Even some of my more stunning failures have not stripped me of the confidence (with some exceptions. Ask one of my good friends about the dinner I took her out to our freshmen year, where we didn't speak at all during the main course.)

Still, the power of confidence is life transforming, and I wish I could inspire more people to live with a certainty of purpose. Don't let the purpose define you, merely, let it give you direction. You cannot be afraid to take risks and live your life. Its far to short as it is to worry if you're going to make mistakes.

Labels: confidence, insomnia, late night, life is short, ramblings, thoughts