Thursday, October 09, 2008
This does not compute to me
Today on my way to work (after class), I got passed by a Cadillac CTS V6. Its license plate read "TREEHUGGR".
The CTS is one of the worse (in terms of polluting) V6 cars on the market. It gets a combined city and highway mileage of 19mpg. It emits, on average, 9.6 tons of CO2 per year. It is not the car you drive if you consider yourself a treehugger. Especially since, if you can afford a Cadillac, you can certain afford a hybrid from Ford, Toyota, Honda, or Lexus.
Alternate license plate suggestion from me: "NATURAPER".
The CTS is one of the worse (in terms of polluting) V6 cars on the market. It gets a combined city and highway mileage of 19mpg. It emits, on average, 9.6 tons of CO2 per year. It is not the car you drive if you consider yourself a treehugger. Especially since, if you can afford a Cadillac, you can certain afford a hybrid from Ford, Toyota, Honda, or Lexus.
Alternate license plate suggestion from me: "NATURAPER".
Labels: EPA, me trying to be funny, morgantown, ramblings
Monday, August 11, 2008
Forbes' Top 15 Hardest-Drinking Cities
Here's a link to cities, ranked by percentage of population, that answered "Yes" to questions like "I have more than 2 drinks a day" or "I have five or more drinks on a special occasion.".
My old stomping ground of Pittsburgh is #11. Detroit is at the bottom of the list, but that's because I'm guessing the average person in Detroit is so fucked right now they've either upgraded to Crystal Meth or they're too broke to even buy beer. #10 is Cincinnati, which is a slightly shittier city than Pittsburgh, but at the same time, well off enough people can afford to get tanked. Pittsburgh and Cincinnati fit into that "prosperous enough to keep on drinking" economic index.
And the number one city: Austin, TX. Congrats, Austin.
My old stomping ground of Pittsburgh is #11. Detroit is at the bottom of the list, but that's because I'm guessing the average person in Detroit is so fucked right now they've either upgraded to Crystal Meth or they're too broke to even buy beer. #10 is Cincinnati, which is a slightly shittier city than Pittsburgh, but at the same time, well off enough people can afford to get tanked. Pittsburgh and Cincinnati fit into that "prosperous enough to keep on drinking" economic index.
And the number one city: Austin, TX. Congrats, Austin.
Labels: links, ramblings, today's generation
Contra 4 is too badass for me to handle
I got Contra 4 for the Nintendo DS. I've finally picked up my DS and started playing it again. Its a strange contrast: The Wii was more expensive, has more potential for multiplayer, and receives much more hype for its new approach, but so far, games aside from Nintendo's have pretty much sucked. With the sole exception being Boom Blox. That game is addictive and awesome. But even Nintendo's offerings have been the pinnacle of lack luster. Smash Brothers only lets one person play online? Really? The XBox could handle 4 player Halo 2 online, and the Wii has something like 1.5x the power. Intentionally releasing crippleware like that makes me a sad panda.
Contra 4 for the DS, on the other hand, reminds you that you are soft. Contra 4 makes you ponder what you could've been, if only you had accepted that invitation to join Operation Project Mayhem. If, for instance, your family's feud with the Mocato Ninja Clan lead to you being the sole survivor of your family, and you dedicated every day since that massacre to mastering the arts of ninjitsu, dedicated to becoming the ultimate engine of grisly revenge.
That is the kind of gamer skill you need to be to survive Contra 4 DS. On easy. The first time you play it, your ass is cookie dough. By the time you're done with it, you're carved out of wood.
So yeah, Contra 4 is insanely hard, but its also fun. Intensity matters. Contra 4 does not coddle you or pander to you. Contra 4 is a fulcrum. It decides whether you're pure enough in mettle and spirit, or merely an impurity to be chewed up, and spit back out.
Contra 4 for the DS, on the other hand, reminds you that you are soft. Contra 4 makes you ponder what you could've been, if only you had accepted that invitation to join Operation Project Mayhem. If, for instance, your family's feud with the Mocato Ninja Clan lead to you being the sole survivor of your family, and you dedicated every day since that massacre to mastering the arts of ninjitsu, dedicated to becoming the ultimate engine of grisly revenge.
That is the kind of gamer skill you need to be to survive Contra 4 DS. On easy. The first time you play it, your ass is cookie dough. By the time you're done with it, you're carved out of wood.
So yeah, Contra 4 is insanely hard, but its also fun. Intensity matters. Contra 4 does not coddle you or pander to you. Contra 4 is a fulcrum. It decides whether you're pure enough in mettle and spirit, or merely an impurity to be chewed up, and spit back out.
Labels: Gaming, Nintendo Wii, personal, ramblings, video games, weekend
Monday, August 04, 2008
Monday Morning Distractions until I get a real post up
Here's a link that shows a list of images found doing a google image search for the word "Oops". Safe for work.
You know that guy at the office that you really want to prank? Sign him up for a Hannah Montana wake up call.
An internet blog post titled "how to hire an idiot".
Enjoy. More later.
You know that guy at the office that you really want to prank? Sign him up for a Hannah Montana wake up call.
An internet blog post titled "how to hire an idiot".
Enjoy. More later.
Labels: links, ramblings, Reddit
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Britian's View of "Most Fabulous Body"
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Chest Pain
Yesterday I woke up with some "insanely painful" chest pain. I think it was a delayed effect of all the hedonism from this weekend. I barely made it to my car pool.
Today, however, I'm happy to report, involves waking up without any tightness or pain in my chest.
Oh, another thing about the party I threw this weekend: Someone stole my deodorant. Really. It was the one thing missing from my room. You think someone would take my playstation 2. Or my digital camera that was being passed around. Or one of my iPods. But no, someone stole a used stick of deodorant. Puzzle over that during the rest of the day. I know I have.
Today, however, I'm happy to report, involves waking up without any tightness or pain in my chest.
Oh, another thing about the party I threw this weekend: Someone stole my deodorant. Really. It was the one thing missing from my room. You think someone would take my playstation 2. Or my digital camera that was being passed around. Or one of my iPods. But no, someone stole a used stick of deodorant. Puzzle over that during the rest of the day. I know I have.
Labels: blogging, crazy people, friends, personal, ramblings, thoughts
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Nepotism Trumps Competence
This article on the dailywtf.com sure brings back memories. The shithole that was my last job sounds exactly like this place. And it reminds me of a story I want to tell. Maybe one, depending on comments/feedback, I might submit to TheDailyWTF itself.
Its all in how it looks.
My last task at my former workplace was to develop a CRM Portal. CRM stands for "Customer Relations Management". Essentially, I was overhauling the entire company website, and adding on a "private" section where clients (or potential clients) could log on, and view their projects, and see the development and test versions of their software projects. It would also house all the project's documentation and requirements. So, if you're a software developer, think of a customized install of Trac. Written and developed by one person, who's got about a year of experience writing .NET web applications. Who's doing everything from database design, documenting requirements, developing the code, testing the code, and prettying up the frontend.
To top it off, since we had nothing like this at all in our infrastructure, it was "Priority #1A" that I get this application up and running. It was also "Priority #1A" that I rush the application out the door because, as the President of the company put it, "You don't have a charge code. You're burning up overhead." (At this point, we had burned something like $200K in overhead in money we didn't have on various un-billable tasks.). Most of our tools had been various "re-invent the wheel from scratch" tools, done only half-right and only working half the time, because again, in the words of our infinitely wise President, "I'd rather spend $10K on you guys (who we referred to as his "A-Team") than spend it on software where we don't have control of the source" (and yet, we couldn't use Open Source Software because we were ".NET shop".)
So despite pressure to just churn out a finely polished turd, I knew that whatever I did, there would an incredibly long list of changes to the look, feel, and behavior of the "portal" application as soon as it was presentable. Instead of following our "one, true, established way" of creating applications -- the monolithic approach with lots of copy and paste, I actually tried to separate function and form. This meant I was building a layered application, with separation of duties between business objects, a data access layer, and presentation. As a shop, nobody had really tried to do that, as any realistic schedule to get a functioning application out the door was quickly slashed so that we were forced to just churn, churn, churn. Our president did not believe that architecture and testing paid for themselves.
Finally, having reached a presentable status (meaning: I had pages that behaved like an actual web application), the company president finally got to review the portal. He was already upset at how it was taking so long, and that until this point "I had nothing to show for it". If you haven't already guessed, the president of our "software division" had no idea of the complexity of code behind any of our pages, and just judged applications on whether they worked like he expected them to, and if they had lots of .NET controls on every page. Never mind how complicated or simple the business logic behind the pretty page was.
As an added bonus, I'll freely admit I'm a horrible web interface designer. While we were supposed to master web application development "from top to bottom, front to back", my previous assignment (which lasted nearly 4 months) had been writing PL/SQL stored procedures for another application. While other team were becoming more proficient at CSS-based layouts, I was learning how to best optimize our applications database logic. So I was naturally more skilled "on the back end". I hadn't learned what the company president liked to see in a web page, or expected to see (again, no documented requirements on how this "portal site" was supposed to work. Simply a "you figure it out" command).
Needless to say, expecting changes in page layout, I didn't really commit much time to a "stylish design". I figured a minimalist design could successfully showcase working features, and could be styled up. I even stated so much in the first review.
The first review did not go well. Aside from picking apart my "minimalist" design for lacking decorative colors, "webby javascript stuff" (direct quote there), and "looking very much incomplete", my boss failed to appreciate any of my hard work. Most of the features worked! Of course, functionality lost over form. Nitpicking the layout seemed to be the purpose of our review meetings.
And so that became my daily routine. The all-hands morning meeting. My one-on-one with the president, where he'd always give me a day's worth of UI overhauling (and contradicting yesterday's design decisions) and then going back to my cube to implement the changes.
On day 3 of this routine, I was informed that I'd be getting an intern to help me out. One of our client's had a high-school aged son with some web layout experience. He had no programming experience, but he was his high school's ultimate frisbee club's webmaster.
I sat him down and showed him how the application was laid out. He basically knew HTML and CSS (and had a better sense of style than I did) so after a quick run down on what it does he was able to get up and running. Our daily meeting was delayed an hour or so because the President had more pressing business, and a co-worker needed my help dealing with a database problem.
I come out my co-worker's cube to find that the meeting between the company president, myself, and the intern had started without me. The intern was showing off the styles he'd applied to the master template and the president seemed pleased. I feel relieved. Now we can actually start using this thing. I can move onto a project that's bringing in revenue and not have to deal with our presidents daily musings on what is "webby enough" to represent us to the internet.
About an hour later, a co-worker tells me that the intern is being put in charge of the remainder of the portal project. Not understanding cascading style sheets, it turns out our company president believes that the intern entirely recoded the web pages he showed off (including the back end functionality) in the sitdown meeting, instead of just applying new styles and layout. In his mind, with that kind of programming skill, he was more qualified to finish up the project than I was. I was re-assigned elsewhere (to another "re-invent the wheel from scratch" app) shortly before being laid off (something about being $200k in the red because of project mismanagement).
So it turns out its about how something looks, and not how it works.
I'd appreciate comments, especially advice on how to cut this down in to a more reasonable anecdote.
Its all in how it looks.
My last task at my former workplace was to develop a CRM Portal. CRM stands for "Customer Relations Management". Essentially, I was overhauling the entire company website, and adding on a "private" section where clients (or potential clients) could log on, and view their projects, and see the development and test versions of their software projects. It would also house all the project's documentation and requirements. So, if you're a software developer, think of a customized install of Trac. Written and developed by one person, who's got about a year of experience writing .NET web applications. Who's doing everything from database design, documenting requirements, developing the code, testing the code, and prettying up the frontend.
To top it off, since we had nothing like this at all in our infrastructure, it was "Priority #1A" that I get this application up and running. It was also "Priority #1A" that I rush the application out the door because, as the President of the company put it, "You don't have a charge code. You're burning up overhead." (At this point, we had burned something like $200K in overhead in money we didn't have on various un-billable tasks.). Most of our tools had been various "re-invent the wheel from scratch" tools, done only half-right and only working half the time, because again, in the words of our infinitely wise President, "I'd rather spend $10K on you guys (who we referred to as his "A-Team") than spend it on software where we don't have control of the source" (and yet, we couldn't use Open Source Software because we were ".NET shop".)
So despite pressure to just churn out a finely polished turd, I knew that whatever I did, there would an incredibly long list of changes to the look, feel, and behavior of the "portal" application as soon as it was presentable. Instead of following our "one, true, established way" of creating applications -- the monolithic approach with lots of copy and paste, I actually tried to separate function and form. This meant I was building a layered application, with separation of duties between business objects, a data access layer, and presentation. As a shop, nobody had really tried to do that, as any realistic schedule to get a functioning application out the door was quickly slashed so that we were forced to just churn, churn, churn. Our president did not believe that architecture and testing paid for themselves.
Finally, having reached a presentable status (meaning: I had pages that behaved like an actual web application), the company president finally got to review the portal. He was already upset at how it was taking so long, and that until this point "I had nothing to show for it". If you haven't already guessed, the president of our "software division" had no idea of the complexity of code behind any of our pages, and just judged applications on whether they worked like he expected them to, and if they had lots of .NET controls on every page. Never mind how complicated or simple the business logic behind the pretty page was.
As an added bonus, I'll freely admit I'm a horrible web interface designer. While we were supposed to master web application development "from top to bottom, front to back", my previous assignment (which lasted nearly 4 months) had been writing PL/SQL stored procedures for another application. While other team were becoming more proficient at CSS-based layouts, I was learning how to best optimize our applications database logic. So I was naturally more skilled "on the back end". I hadn't learned what the company president liked to see in a web page, or expected to see (again, no documented requirements on how this "portal site" was supposed to work. Simply a "you figure it out" command).
Needless to say, expecting changes in page layout, I didn't really commit much time to a "stylish design". I figured a minimalist design could successfully showcase working features, and could be styled up. I even stated so much in the first review.
The first review did not go well. Aside from picking apart my "minimalist" design for lacking decorative colors, "webby javascript stuff" (direct quote there), and "looking very much incomplete", my boss failed to appreciate any of my hard work. Most of the features worked! Of course, functionality lost over form. Nitpicking the layout seemed to be the purpose of our review meetings.
And so that became my daily routine. The all-hands morning meeting. My one-on-one with the president, where he'd always give me a day's worth of UI overhauling (and contradicting yesterday's design decisions) and then going back to my cube to implement the changes.
On day 3 of this routine, I was informed that I'd be getting an intern to help me out. One of our client's had a high-school aged son with some web layout experience. He had no programming experience, but he was his high school's ultimate frisbee club's webmaster.
I sat him down and showed him how the application was laid out. He basically knew HTML and CSS (and had a better sense of style than I did) so after a quick run down on what it does he was able to get up and running. Our daily meeting was delayed an hour or so because the President had more pressing business, and a co-worker needed my help dealing with a database problem.
I come out my co-worker's cube to find that the meeting between the company president, myself, and the intern had started without me. The intern was showing off the styles he'd applied to the master template and the president seemed pleased. I feel relieved. Now we can actually start using this thing. I can move onto a project that's bringing in revenue and not have to deal with our presidents daily musings on what is "webby enough" to represent us to the internet.
About an hour later, a co-worker tells me that the intern is being put in charge of the remainder of the portal project. Not understanding cascading style sheets, it turns out our company president believes that the intern entirely recoded the web pages he showed off (including the back end functionality) in the sitdown meeting, instead of just applying new styles and layout. In his mind, with that kind of programming skill, he was more qualified to finish up the project than I was. I was re-assigned elsewhere (to another "re-invent the wheel from scratch" app) shortly before being laid off (something about being $200k in the red because of project mismanagement).
So it turns out its about how something looks, and not how it works.
I'd appreciate comments, especially advice on how to cut this down in to a more reasonable anecdote.
Labels: blogging, confidence, corporate culture, me trying to be funny, pittsburgh, ramblings, web 2.0, Web Development
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Links for you
I found three articles I really felt like sharing from my usual social news site, Reddit.com
- Why I'm (Probably) Leaving The Mac Platform: A Bucknell Student (disclaimer: I'm a sort-of alumni) whining about how its wrong that Apple updates their OS platform, strives to make it more unix-compatible than Linux, how it has a separate window manager, blah blah blah. I'll probably do a post later really smacking the shit out of this poor, know-nothing kid, but right now the entire blogosphere is calling this guy a waaahmbulance.
- Truth or Consequences NYTimes Op-Ed Column: I really like this article for the same reason it will piss off most people in the US. It makes sense. At $4/gallon for gas, people actually start to cut back on driving. This didn't happen at $3/gallon gas, even though economists predicted it would. So, this columnist is calling for a price minimum of $4/gallon. That means if gas prices drop down to $2/gallon again (unlikely) the government would impose a $2/gallon gas tax, which would be used to fund public transportation, alternate, green energy, and buying back people's gas guzzling SUVs so they can be crushed.
- The New Homeless of America: Rent is so high in Santa Barbra that people laid off because of the housing crash are finding themselves sleeping in their car, in special parking lots where its legal (sleeping in your car in a public street is illegal). This article, which I found to be slightly heart breaking, details one Santa Barbra resident whose been laid off and is living in her car with her two dogs. Sadly, the number of people using these parking lots are likely to grow.
Labels: gas prices, links, politics, pop culture, ramblings, Reddit
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Soapbox Discussion Chart
A brief version of how every discussion on my Soapbox mailing list begins and ends.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
We're still bitter and clinging to our guns, apparently
Talking Points Memo has "Exit Poll" data from the Clinton campaign, supposedly. Obviously, this is one of those "written by an Obama supporter as a joke" things, but at the same time, it hilariously sums it up the primary in WV today.
FTA:
"West Virginia voters fit squarely with the Clinton demographic; hard working, white voters whose deep seated racism and superstition makes them believe the most outlandish and bizarre lies that they've heard", said Clinton spokesman Howard Wolfson . He continued, "I don't want to generalize because there are some college students and unlucky, miserable smart people who are desperate to move to someplace - any place - better before their souls are ground down. Other than that, we're solid, though."
Once again, here's the link
Labels: free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, politics, quotables, ramblings, WV
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Here goes nothing
Well, one person has demanded and update, and an update she shall get!
I've been exhausted because the pace of life lately has been running at a pace where its always a few steps ahead of me. This is probably because grad school makes me feel like i'm in over my head -- it could also be just that I'm at the age where when given a shit-ton of (at least to me) pointless busy work that does not serve to teach my anything, i focus on things that actually seem worth my time. I'm dragging myself across the finish line. I think next semester I'm going to try to take courses that interest me more, even if the workload turns out to be more.
Another thing that kills me is most of my friends are on cruise control because they're graduating in a month or so. So I go out way more than I should. Then again, I say yes to everything.
I went swing dancing in Pittsburgh this past weekend. I find it especially hilarious that I'm even more spastic when I swing dance. There is the occasional moment where I'm graceful, but when I'm with someone I know pretty well, and I find we both end up giggling like idiots and trying not to crash into anyone else on the dance floor. I'm glad the new club president seems more open to organizing "away" events more than once a semester. Considering that Pittsburgh is one hour, twenty minutes away (less the way I drive) its not really that hard.
A friend of mine that I've known since my college days might be doing a start up company in Pittsburgh with an idea I basically came up with all by myself. I'm not upset or jealous -- I'm actually quite excited for him. I've kind of abandoned the idea because I wouldn't want to do an "advertiser funded" business plan for a web based start up. Its a "young man's business model" -- where you build something cool (both from a technical and non-technical definition of cool) and attract eyeballs. Once you have the eyeballs, you can make money via google adwords. I'd prefer something with more of a plan B, but I'm psyched he's gonna take the risk, or might take the risk. He's meeting with venture capitalists trying to fund Pittsburgh based web-start ups in the next week. I'm pulling for him. Also, if he's reading this and does strike it rich, remember it was my idea and I make a great entourage member. I can drive you around places and carry spare laptop batteries.
One reason I haven't been posting as much is that Reddit.com has taken over my web browsing. And I've gotten into too many arguements with idiotic trolls. Its sad that no corner of the internet social media trend is free from 9/11 conspiracy whackos, ridiculously scornful libertarians who believe the free market can fix everything, global warming deniers, and pro-creationism douchebags. Allow me to state the following without being bitter: If a defense computer ever does become self-aware, and nukes most of humanity, like Skynet, I will be okay with it, as long as all of the above are completely wiped out. No matter what I comment on, I attract these idiots. And I've apparently lost my mutant ability to make idiots who keep bothering me drink anti-freeze.
My friend Vanessa started talking to me again. I thought out friendship had died out on the wayside. Its good to see one come back from the brink.
Labels: blogging, personal, ramblings, thoughts
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
This is not an april fool's joke
http://dfranke.us/pfs.html
This is the most brilliant thing I've read all week. I really hope they deploy it against 419ers.
This is the most brilliant thing I've read all week. I really hope they deploy it against 419ers.
Labels: links, ramblings, thoughts
Monday, March 31, 2008
3 Pet Peeves
1. Lost Ticket at a Morgantown Parking Garage. That's a $25 mistake. I've let it go, but at the same time, I'm more upset that its $25 for a lost fucking ticket in a Morgantown Parking Garage. Even in Pittsburgh, the city with THE HIGHEST PARKING TAXES IN THE FUCKING NATION a lost ticket at the soldiers and sailors garage was something like $15 or $20, assuming one of the poor college students wouldn't just feel bad for you and open the gate and let you out scott free. Shitty way to end a night where I overspent anyway.
2. I recently received the compliment that it looks like I've lost weight. I have, thank you for noticing. Just don't grab my arm, squeeze it, and say, 'You're starting to get emo'. I don't need anyone pointing out that I've lost a lot of the muscle mass I gained last year. A relationship gone bad, grad school, a side project, and working full time with an hour lost to commuting will eat into your physique.
3. People who take advantage of their former best friends deepest fear -- their fear of being strangled. And then brag about it to people.
Books I'm reading:
Children Of Dune and Dune Messiah by Frank Herbert
Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut
American Gods by Neil Gaiman.
2. I recently received the compliment that it looks like I've lost weight. I have, thank you for noticing. Just don't grab my arm, squeeze it, and say, 'You're starting to get emo'. I don't need anyone pointing out that I've lost a lot of the muscle mass I gained last year. A relationship gone bad, grad school, a side project, and working full time with an hour lost to commuting will eat into your physique.
3. People who take advantage of their former best friends deepest fear -- their fear of being strangled. And then brag about it to people.
Books I'm reading:
Children Of Dune and Dune Messiah by Frank Herbert
Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut
American Gods by Neil Gaiman.
Labels: late night thoughts, personal, ramblings
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Made To Wait: Compensation
This is a great article on compensating young employees who're looking for "growth". A halfway decent developer, if he's not too busy blogging, will probably double his productivity for the first 3 years of employment at a company (assuming he stays). This is because if they're keeping up with what's going on in the industry and not just doing what they're told, they're creating value without you having to train them. And that skillset is highly portable.
And of course, the experience and know-how he has of the internal mechanics of your company is something you can't get from the pool of job applicants. Its something he takes with him.
So having shitty raises for the people in the "trenches" is a really dumb idea. I know that once you get a reputation of having "shitty raises", anyone that knows anyone at the company that's applying for a job is going to tack on a premium to their base salary. Its fact.
So to recap, read the article. And having a system where "busting your hump" gets you a 4% raise, and doing nothing gets you a 3% raise, and you have a system that's going to be gamed so that people do nothing. And then, what're you really paying for?
And of course, the experience and know-how he has of the internal mechanics of your company is something you can't get from the pool of job applicants. Its something he takes with him.
So having shitty raises for the people in the "trenches" is a really dumb idea. I know that once you get a reputation of having "shitty raises", anyone that knows anyone at the company that's applying for a job is going to tack on a premium to their base salary. Its fact.
So to recap, read the article. And having a system where "busting your hump" gets you a 4% raise, and doing nothing gets you a 3% raise, and you have a system that's going to be gamed so that people do nothing. And then, what're you really paying for?
Labels: corporate culture, money, personal, raises, ramblings, today's generation, Web Development
Friday, November 30, 2007
Randoms
Yesterday I bought my first ringtone ever. At the $2.99 price, and the very limited utility of it, I'm doubting I'll do it again for a long time. But it was "novel".
I also recently went suit shopping for my company's annual Christmas party. I'm really pleased with the outcome, and am excited to get it back from the tailor. I am going to look pretty good, and its going to be a good time drinking with friends and co-workers. My friend Jen was essential in helping me keep my spirits up and remain confident that there would be a positive outcome. Also, her fashion sense definitely complimented mine and the salespersons.
I'm excited for my company's christmas party. Always a good time to drink top shelf stuff on somebody else's dime.
I'm actually considering printing up pre-apology cards for people's significant others because I know I'm going to over-celebrate this year.
Its not definite yet, but I might be in Miami for New Year's. I'm excited for it, but its all about making sure I can afford the trip.
I've had a recent first hand illumination on a bad habit (of my past, I hope) where you're arguing not to prove a point, but simply to prove to yourself that you're right. I realize I haven't conquered that, but I can at least recognize that kind of anger in others now. And because I try to believe in selling bridges instead of burning them, I've learned to ride out these people's tantrums.
And I tell myself that with a little patience I can get through this. We walk not long upon the earth. No need to tread the paths that lead only to bitterness. With Patience, I can outlast someone's pettiness and see past what they are in the moment.
Less than two weeks left in school and I'm looking at straight A's for grad school. Not bad for a first semester.
Beowulf 3D was not that bad of a movie. Next up: Hitman.
Back to school stuff.
I also recently went suit shopping for my company's annual Christmas party. I'm really pleased with the outcome, and am excited to get it back from the tailor. I am going to look pretty good, and its going to be a good time drinking with friends and co-workers. My friend Jen was essential in helping me keep my spirits up and remain confident that there would be a positive outcome. Also, her fashion sense definitely complimented mine and the salespersons.
I'm excited for my company's christmas party. Always a good time to drink top shelf stuff on somebody else's dime.
I'm actually considering printing up pre-apology cards for people's significant others because I know I'm going to over-celebrate this year.
Its not definite yet, but I might be in Miami for New Year's. I'm excited for it, but its all about making sure I can afford the trip.
I've had a recent first hand illumination on a bad habit (of my past, I hope) where you're arguing not to prove a point, but simply to prove to yourself that you're right. I realize I haven't conquered that, but I can at least recognize that kind of anger in others now. And because I try to believe in selling bridges instead of burning them, I've learned to ride out these people's tantrums.
And I tell myself that with a little patience I can get through this. We walk not long upon the earth. No need to tread the paths that lead only to bitterness. With Patience, I can outlast someone's pettiness and see past what they are in the moment.
Less than two weeks left in school and I'm looking at straight A's for grad school. Not bad for a first semester.
Beowulf 3D was not that bad of a movie. Next up: Hitman.
Back to school stuff.
Labels: blogging, personal, ramblings, thoughts
Monday, November 26, 2007
Possibly the only review you'll need for Assassin's Creed Ever.
The title link is the only review of Assassin's Creed that matters, ever. Until the SaintOfAllChucks can find a better one that pisses off even more gamers than this one.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Confessional Debugging
In Steve McConnell's "Code Complete", he describes a debugging (aka problem solving) technique called "Confessional Debugging". It goes a little something like this:
Non-geeks would call this "sharing" or even "theraphy" when taken to extremes. Here's a snippet of confessional debugging that I recently had.
(4:02:29 PM) redrobot5050: being self-aware doesn't make one less crazy
(4:02:33 PM) redrobot5050: often times, it makes you more crazy
(4:02:43 PM) redrobot5050: and realizing a problem and reacting to it like a mature, intelligent adult
(4:02:48 PM) redrobot5050: are separate issues
(4:03:02 PM) redrobot5050: i can understand after all that happened if [redacted] views part of me with ugliness
(4:03:54 PM) redrobot5050: anyway, i've kept you
(4:04:00 PM) redrobot5050: i just felt like clarifying for your own sake
(4:04:15 PM) redrobot5050: [redacted] is not a bad apple
(4:04:21 PM) redrobot5050: but [redacted], apparently
(4:11:19 PM) redrobot5050: anyway
(4:11:24 PM) redrobot5050: have fun whether or not you go or don't
(4:11:25 PM) redrobot5050: and take care
Talk to someone else about the problem. Some people call this "confessional debugging." You often discover your own error in the act of explaining it to another person. For example, if you were explaining the problem in the salary example, you might sound like this:"Hey Jennifer. Have you got a minute; I'm having a problem. I've got this list of employee salaries that's supposed to be sorted but some names are out of order. They're sorted all right the second time I print them out but not the first. I checked to see if it was new names, but it didn't seem like it was because I tried some that worked. I know they should be sorted the first time I print them because the program sorts all the names as they're entered and again when they're saved ... wait a minute ... no, it doesn't sort them when they're entered. That's right. It only orders them roughly. Thanks Jennifer. You've been a big help."
Jennifer didn't say a word, and you solved your problem. This is typical, and is perhaps your most potent tool for solving the most difficult errors.
Non-geeks would call this "sharing" or even "theraphy" when taken to extremes. Here's a snippet of confessional debugging that I recently had.
(4:02:29 PM) redrobot5050: being self-aware doesn't make one less crazy
(4:02:33 PM) redrobot5050: often times, it makes you more crazy
(4:02:43 PM) redrobot5050: and realizing a problem and reacting to it like a mature, intelligent adult
(4:02:48 PM) redrobot5050: are separate issues
(4:03:02 PM) redrobot5050: i can understand after all that happened if [redacted] views part of me with ugliness
(4:03:54 PM) redrobot5050: anyway, i've kept you
(4:04:00 PM) redrobot5050: i just felt like clarifying for your own sake
(4:04:15 PM) redrobot5050: [redacted] is not a bad apple
(4:04:21 PM) redrobot5050: but [redacted], apparently
(4:11:19 PM) redrobot5050: anyway
(4:11:24 PM) redrobot5050: have fun whether or not you go or don't
(4:11:25 PM) redrobot5050: and take care
Labels: blogging, free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, personal, ramblings
Friday, October 12, 2007
on psychology
I was talking to a friend at work today who's recently gone off one of those adult ADHD medeications, and was talking about the 'crash'. They're known for causing depressive episodes. One of my good friends worked at a start up out of Pittsburgh where the CEO passed those kinds of pills around because we all know time is money to a start up, and who cares if one of your lead programmers has to quit because withdrawal has made him suicidally depressed....
Anyway, to be more on topic, my friend described many of the symptoms of her depressive episodes, and I found myself thinking that I've been feeling some of those as well. Quick to anger. Bouts of moroseness, more susceptible to sorrow.
I am beginning to entertain the possibility that I've recently undergone a mental health status change.
The question is "what do I do about it?"
I've heard horror stories from some of the other 'red badge' people about how what were once simple things to accomplish in the process of a background investigation or re-investigation were now suddenly difficult. I've already been through that hassle once, and anything that would make that more difficult a second time around when I become a beltway bandit or the equivalent in Boulder, CO, bothers me. I paid off nearly $4k in debt to improve my credit history, and paid off the last $5k on my car all in the last year to show that i'm one of 'the good guys'. I sacrificed.
And I want to accomplish something. That's important to me. I've moved away from friends I could honestly say I've loved twice. I know I will again, soon, after my master's is finished. I'll be 28 and have started over in a new place 3 or 4 times already, depending on how far back you want to go and what counts as starting over. I've worked on logistic systems that maintained nearly $60 million worth of assets for nuclear power plants, and the latest claim to fame is a number in the ballpark of nearly $2.7 billion worth of customs clearance in a prototype I helped build. And it will likely be operational for another year (and another 2.7 billion) before a replacement system goes live.
But I'm no good to anyone if I am batshit insane crazy. But considering the horror stories, it seems my career in this field would be over if I was even considered to be batshit insane crazy.
Nevermind that it could be perfectly normal to be mildly depressed under the circumstances and stress that I've been under.
I need to think on this more and research it more. I'm not one to sit on my hands. But I've also witnessed what happens to someone as they ignore all the warning signs that they are depressed for almost 20 years. A hollow, ruined career, a tattered marriage, and all kinds of oddities that make everyone sit, stare, and wonder. A downward spiral.
And there is nothing I would resist more than that happening to me.
Anyway, to be more on topic, my friend described many of the symptoms of her depressive episodes, and I found myself thinking that I've been feeling some of those as well. Quick to anger. Bouts of moroseness, more susceptible to sorrow.
I am beginning to entertain the possibility that I've recently undergone a mental health status change.
The question is "what do I do about it?"
I've heard horror stories from some of the other 'red badge' people about how what were once simple things to accomplish in the process of a background investigation or re-investigation were now suddenly difficult. I've already been through that hassle once, and anything that would make that more difficult a second time around when I become a beltway bandit or the equivalent in Boulder, CO, bothers me. I paid off nearly $4k in debt to improve my credit history, and paid off the last $5k on my car all in the last year to show that i'm one of 'the good guys'. I sacrificed.
And I want to accomplish something. That's important to me. I've moved away from friends I could honestly say I've loved twice. I know I will again, soon, after my master's is finished. I'll be 28 and have started over in a new place 3 or 4 times already, depending on how far back you want to go and what counts as starting over. I've worked on logistic systems that maintained nearly $60 million worth of assets for nuclear power plants, and the latest claim to fame is a number in the ballpark of nearly $2.7 billion worth of customs clearance in a prototype I helped build. And it will likely be operational for another year (and another 2.7 billion) before a replacement system goes live.
But I'm no good to anyone if I am batshit insane crazy. But considering the horror stories, it seems my career in this field would be over if I was even considered to be batshit insane crazy.
Nevermind that it could be perfectly normal to be mildly depressed under the circumstances and stress that I've been under.
I need to think on this more and research it more. I'm not one to sit on my hands. But I've also witnessed what happens to someone as they ignore all the warning signs that they are depressed for almost 20 years. A hollow, ruined career, a tattered marriage, and all kinds of oddities that make everyone sit, stare, and wonder. A downward spiral.
And there is nothing I would resist more than that happening to me.
Labels: late night thoughts, life is short, personal, ramblings
Monday, October 01, 2007
I Missed Lisa!
i went up to Pittsburgh on Friday because I thought Minus the Bear was playing Friday. I ended up hanging out with my friend Lisa and getting drunk in the south side with her. Great times. Let me say it again: Great times. I've known Lisa almost as long as I've known anyone I still speak to in my life. I'm her longest known friend. Since my group of friends in Pittsburgh was so tight, we've got a close history. And this was our first time hanging out (alone) together in ages.
We hit up Club Diesel in the south side, and after a few vodka and cranberries ($2.00 special!) we danced to the techno music with her friends from high school, who showed up celebrating a 21st bday just coincidentally. I think the feeling in the world is when you're dancing with a close friend and both of you are having fun and neither of you are taking it seriously. We cracked up on the dance floor multiple times. It was like when I'd dance with a friend at Vice, only more exaggerated.
We also crashed a VIP area. Good times. No, scratch that. Great times.
We then hit up my old watering hole in the south side -- Jekyl and Hyde's. Its a halloween motif'd bar. I was warned by Chuck that its a shadow of its pale self. It was indeed. It was a Duquensce bar through and through. Everything was there in the material form, but the spirit had gone out of the bar. It was just another dimly lit watering hole for rich, preppy, greek college kids. Lisa and I hung out on the bar stools and talked over the music and crowd until my voice was so wraspy it was giving out.
That didn't stop me from singing along to Bedford as I drove us back. I was even on key for two or three songs before my voice gave out.
Lisa, when you get a chance to read this, thank you for being you. Just when I needed a laugh deep from the soul, you popped up and delivered. You're a true friend. Visit soon.
We hit up Club Diesel in the south side, and after a few vodka and cranberries ($2.00 special!) we danced to the techno music with her friends from high school, who showed up celebrating a 21st bday just coincidentally. I think the feeling in the world is when you're dancing with a close friend and both of you are having fun and neither of you are taking it seriously. We cracked up on the dance floor multiple times. It was like when I'd dance with a friend at Vice, only more exaggerated.
We also crashed a VIP area. Good times. No, scratch that. Great times.
We then hit up my old watering hole in the south side -- Jekyl and Hyde's. Its a halloween motif'd bar. I was warned by Chuck that its a shadow of its pale self. It was indeed. It was a Duquensce bar through and through. Everything was there in the material form, but the spirit had gone out of the bar. It was just another dimly lit watering hole for rich, preppy, greek college kids. Lisa and I hung out on the bar stools and talked over the music and crowd until my voice was so wraspy it was giving out.
That didn't stop me from singing along to Bedford as I drove us back. I was even on key for two or three songs before my voice gave out.
Lisa, when you get a chance to read this, thank you for being you. Just when I needed a laugh deep from the soul, you popped up and delivered. You're a true friend. Visit soon.
Labels: life is short, personal, ramblings
A pissy personal post
A friend of mine recently betrayed a confidence. Nothing major, and its really nothing to get personal about. But here's the kicker: I confronted this person and they denied it to my face. They're sticking to their guns.
As they say in Washington, "Its not the crime that gets you, its the cover up."
I know they don't read this, but that person is essentially dead to me. I've been trying to live by the belief that its better to sell bridges than than burn them, but every now and then you come upon one that you feel is just worthless. There is nothing I can do because I cannot control this person's actions or trust them to do anything but be petty attention whores.
But enough of this negative venting of words. What's done is done, and now that I've reacted to it, I can move on.
As they say in Washington, "Its not the crime that gets you, its the cover up."
I know they don't read this, but that person is essentially dead to me. I've been trying to live by the belief that its better to sell bridges than than burn them, but every now and then you come upon one that you feel is just worthless. There is nothing I can do because I cannot control this person's actions or trust them to do anything but be petty attention whores.
But enough of this negative venting of words. What's done is done, and now that I've reacted to it, I can move on.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The finish line
My long day ended at 8:30. I could finally eat dinner.
After a veggie burger, I found I was still wound up and on edge. I relaxed for half an hour and hit the gym. It was productive, it was relaxing, and I think I finally burnt off enough energy and stress so that I may sleep a peaceful sleep, for tomorrow is the season 4 office premiere, and I will be watching it with my co-workers.
And Friday is minus the bear. I can't put into words how excited I'm am to hear them play live. Its one of those "I can die happy now" moments. I've been listening to WVU's radio station (92U -- The Mouse!) and they came on today and it was one of those perfect moments where driving and music meet to be a relaxing journey.
I have a feeling I'm going to have one of those out of body experiences where I can't help how stupid I look as I move to the music (like I did the first two times I saw Death Cab play live back in the day). Katie Chang would comment that I looked like a dancing robot who's malfunctioned between funk and berserk.
But whatever. It beats doing the "stand and sway". What's the point of going to a concert and pretending you don't like the band if they're the reason you showed up? I can't wait. Even writing about it has gotten me excited about it, so I need to call this quits so I can sleep.
After a veggie burger, I found I was still wound up and on edge. I relaxed for half an hour and hit the gym. It was productive, it was relaxing, and I think I finally burnt off enough energy and stress so that I may sleep a peaceful sleep, for tomorrow is the season 4 office premiere, and I will be watching it with my co-workers.
And Friday is minus the bear. I can't put into words how excited I'm am to hear them play live. Its one of those "I can die happy now" moments. I've been listening to WVU's radio station (92U -- The Mouse!) and they came on today and it was one of those perfect moments where driving and music meet to be a relaxing journey.
I have a feeling I'm going to have one of those out of body experiences where I can't help how stupid I look as I move to the music (like I did the first two times I saw Death Cab play live back in the day). Katie Chang would comment that I looked like a dancing robot who's malfunctioned between funk and berserk.
But whatever. It beats doing the "stand and sway". What's the point of going to a concert and pretending you don't like the band if they're the reason you showed up? I can't wait. Even writing about it has gotten me excited about it, so I need to call this quits so I can sleep.
Labels: late night thoughts, music, pittsburgh, ramblings
Monday, September 17, 2007
Overheard at the hookah bar
The hookah bar I went to, the Sahara cafe, had an interesting conversation happening in the booth behind mine. A marine that was stationed in Al Anbar province was home visiting friends and family. He talked to the owner, an former Iraqi that's apparently a doctor in the area. I don't know this gentleman's history, but the two discussed the war. Its funny how the "grunt" admits that he doesn't know why they're over there. And that what we're trying to accomplish militarily is impossible. And that his 15 buddies died over there in senseless ambushes. And how the civilian death toll there is untold, and very, very unfortunate. The Doctor, who again is apparently an Iraqi who spent some time in Jordan (or the other way around) says that the deaths on both sides are tragic and unfortunate. He doesn't want American troops to die. He just also wants them out of Iraq. The marine agreed.
Its funny how "the right thing to do" or dare I say "the smart thing to do" is glaringly obvious even to grunts in the field -- the very people in harm's way. I think that needs to be said that the people who didn't get a chance to finish college because they had to answer the call to serve seem to actually KNOW MORE about what's going on in the world today than our countries leaders if the last presidential address and 'loyal opposition' response are any indicator.
We're past the John Kerry Vietnam testimony moment in Iraq -- How do you ask another person to die for something you know to be a mistake?
This "peace with honor" smokescreen that's being trotted out by GOP candidates was tried in Vietnam. We didn't save face there. People still try and argue that we could've won there when we easily killed over 2 million civilians (and that's a guess -- in that war, like in this one, we don't do body counts) and we dropped more bombs in that country than we did world wide in WWII. The people that make this "we could've won" argument are missing the point. You cannot military intervene for the better in a culture unless it wants you to. Or you just want to end that culture. And if its a foreign culture (e.g. a non-western background, and you're a western culture) you will be met with hostility.
This is basic stuff you're not supposed to need a history book for, but we're inundated with what's called "American Exceptionalism" -- the idea that historical trends do no apply to the United States. Our leaders will have no waterloo. Our empire will not fail, falter, or decay.
I don't know why I'm putting this out there. I guess its because two perfect strangers were talking about geopolitical events and I happen to share their thoughts, and its easier for me to quote them anon then state the same idea myself. But silence equals consent, and I do not consent to what's going on in "our" names. And I really don't care if a boss from 10 years from now googles my name and find this post. I was against the war before it started. I was against the war while it happened. I'll be against the war when its architects try to shift the blame to someone else. And I have this feeling this isn't going to be an opinion thats frowned upon 10 years from now. I have a feeling that 20 years from now when people are explaining what they did during the Iraq war, everyone's going to have a case of "I was on the right side of history -- I was against the war" story to tell their kids (and conveniently forget about all their yellow bumper magnets). And I believe this because my parents were active in the civil rights movement and the anti-war movement in Vietnam, and they found it funny how many people who did nothing and never spoke out took the "victor" side when all was said and done.
But then again, History doesn't apply to this country -- we are the exception, right?
Its funny how "the right thing to do" or dare I say "the smart thing to do" is glaringly obvious even to grunts in the field -- the very people in harm's way. I think that needs to be said that the people who didn't get a chance to finish college because they had to answer the call to serve seem to actually KNOW MORE about what's going on in the world today than our countries leaders if the last presidential address and 'loyal opposition' response are any indicator.
We're past the John Kerry Vietnam testimony moment in Iraq -- How do you ask another person to die for something you know to be a mistake?
This "peace with honor" smokescreen that's being trotted out by GOP candidates was tried in Vietnam. We didn't save face there. People still try and argue that we could've won there when we easily killed over 2 million civilians (and that's a guess -- in that war, like in this one, we don't do body counts) and we dropped more bombs in that country than we did world wide in WWII. The people that make this "we could've won" argument are missing the point. You cannot military intervene for the better in a culture unless it wants you to. Or you just want to end that culture. And if its a foreign culture (e.g. a non-western background, and you're a western culture) you will be met with hostility.
This is basic stuff you're not supposed to need a history book for, but we're inundated with what's called "American Exceptionalism" -- the idea that historical trends do no apply to the United States. Our leaders will have no waterloo. Our empire will not fail, falter, or decay.
I don't know why I'm putting this out there. I guess its because two perfect strangers were talking about geopolitical events and I happen to share their thoughts, and its easier for me to quote them anon then state the same idea myself. But silence equals consent, and I do not consent to what's going on in "our" names. And I really don't care if a boss from 10 years from now googles my name and find this post. I was against the war before it started. I was against the war while it happened. I'll be against the war when its architects try to shift the blame to someone else. And I have this feeling this isn't going to be an opinion thats frowned upon 10 years from now. I have a feeling that 20 years from now when people are explaining what they did during the Iraq war, everyone's going to have a case of "I was on the right side of history -- I was against the war" story to tell their kids (and conveniently forget about all their yellow bumper magnets). And I believe this because my parents were active in the civil rights movement and the anti-war movement in Vietnam, and they found it funny how many people who did nothing and never spoke out took the "victor" side when all was said and done.
But then again, History doesn't apply to this country -- we are the exception, right?
Labels: 2007 Predictions, anti-war, free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, late night thoughts, politics, pop culture, ramblings
Sunday, August 26, 2007
In this episode our hero takes a page from Billy Idol and Dances with Himself
Saturday night was a let down. I hung out with my law school friend, MP, and her friends from Marshall. The only problem is that they were all paired up. So this left me as the 5th wheel. It was less comical than you think.
Three observations:
and happy. It does not say those who kiss their wife before they leave work, or those in happy relationship, but simply being in a relationship is a different "set" of brainspace.
As I shift from one brainspace to another, I risk imploding into some kind of self-centered (more than usual), angst-ridden, withdrawn version of myself. I've already recognized the pattern I'm falling into. So trying to surround myself with chill people who help me "move past" this phase is definitely a short-term goal. However, it also contradicts my goal of actually getting shit done for grad school. I'm starting to realize that my one "real" class is going to be more demanding than I thought. Its another "brainspace" issue. I hate theory classes.
What you want from another person is really what you want in yourself. While I don't plan on withdrawing like I did the last time I split up after a long-term relationship, I don't plan on looking for anything. Instead, I plan on seeking out the qualities I desire within. I like fun-loving people. I need to learn how to make my own fun.
Three observations:
- The White Tie is out of style. Everyone is doing it now. And nobody was pulling it off even nearly as well I did. Well, except the guy who was dressed up like some kind of half-sailor, half-village people tribute group member.
- If you're not enough where you can grow facial hair, please do not sport any at a club. 95% of men can't pull off facial hair well anyway. Having some kind of scraggily scruff all over your face is not remotely appealing to anyone outside of a trailer park or middle school dance.
- You must be at least 10 years of my age to have the privilege of talking to me and not creeping me out.
and happy. It does not say those who kiss their wife before they leave work, or those in happy relationship, but simply being in a relationship is a different "set" of brainspace.
As I shift from one brainspace to another, I risk imploding into some kind of self-centered (more than usual), angst-ridden, withdrawn version of myself. I've already recognized the pattern I'm falling into. So trying to surround myself with chill people who help me "move past" this phase is definitely a short-term goal. However, it also contradicts my goal of actually getting shit done for grad school. I'm starting to realize that my one "real" class is going to be more demanding than I thought. Its another "brainspace" issue. I hate theory classes.
What you want from another person is really what you want in yourself. While I don't plan on withdrawing like I did the last time I split up after a long-term relationship, I don't plan on looking for anything. Instead, I plan on seeking out the qualities I desire within. I like fun-loving people. I need to learn how to make my own fun.
Labels: love, narcissim, personal, ramblings, thoughts
Friday, August 24, 2007
As my good friendValasek and I say over IM
(3:08:56 PM) redrobot5050: its nice to know that celebrities are campaigning for a safer road
(3:08:57 PM) valatXXXX : I am currently away from the computer.
(3:09:06 PM) redrobot5050: by switching to golf carts while DWI
(3:09:09 PM) valatXXXX: yeah, god bless them
(3:08:57 PM) valatXXXX
(3:09:06 PM) redrobot5050: by switching to golf carts while DWI
(3:09:09 PM) valatXXXX: yeah, god bless them
Labels: IM conversations, ramblings
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
One of my favorite Robert A. Heinlein Quotes
I said that "Patriotism" is a way of saying "Women and children first." And that no one can force a man to feel this way. Instead he must embrace it freely. I want to tell about one such man. He wore no uniform and no one knows his name, or where he came from; all we know is what he did.
In my home town sixty years ago when I was a child, my mother and father used to take me and my brothers and sisters out to Swope Park on Sunday afternoons. It was a wonderful place for kids, with picnic grounds and lakes and a zoo. But a railroad line cut straight through it.
One Sunday afternoon a young married couple were crossing these tracks. She apparently did not watch her step, for she managed to catch her foot in the frog of a switch to a siding and could not pull it free. Her husband stopped to help her.
But try as they might they could not get her foot loose. While they were working at it, a tramp showed up, walking the ties. He joined the husband in trying to pull the young woman's foot loose. No luck —
Out of sight around the curve a train whistled. Perhaps there would have been time to run and flag it down, perhaps not. In any case both men went right ahead trying to pull her free... and the train hit them.
The wife was killed, the husband was mortally injured and died later, the tramp was killed — and testimony showed that neither man made the slightest effort to save himself.
The husband's behavior was heroic... but what we expect of a husband toward his wife: his right, and his proud privilege, to die for his woman. But what of this nameless stranger? Up to the very last second he could have jumped clear. He did not. He was still trying to save this woman he had never seen before in his life, right up to the very instant the train killed him. And that's all we'll ever know about him.
This is how a man dies.
This is how a man... lives!
In my home town sixty years ago when I was a child, my mother and father used to take me and my brothers and sisters out to Swope Park on Sunday afternoons. It was a wonderful place for kids, with picnic grounds and lakes and a zoo. But a railroad line cut straight through it.
One Sunday afternoon a young married couple were crossing these tracks. She apparently did not watch her step, for she managed to catch her foot in the frog of a switch to a siding and could not pull it free. Her husband stopped to help her.
But try as they might they could not get her foot loose. While they were working at it, a tramp showed up, walking the ties. He joined the husband in trying to pull the young woman's foot loose. No luck —
Out of sight around the curve a train whistled. Perhaps there would have been time to run and flag it down, perhaps not. In any case both men went right ahead trying to pull her free... and the train hit them.
The wife was killed, the husband was mortally injured and died later, the tramp was killed — and testimony showed that neither man made the slightest effort to save himself.
The husband's behavior was heroic... but what we expect of a husband toward his wife: his right, and his proud privilege, to die for his woman. But what of this nameless stranger? Up to the very last second he could have jumped clear. He did not. He was still trying to save this woman he had never seen before in his life, right up to the very instant the train killed him. And that's all we'll ever know about him.
This is how a man dies.
This is how a man... lives!
Labels: late night thoughts, quotables, ramblings, Robert A. Heinlein, thoughts
Monday, August 20, 2007
A million thoughts at once, and I can't put them in context.
WV is under water right now because of the tropical storm or hurricane that's beating down on the east coast. I find myself freaking out because I'm driving through these giant puddles.
In contrast, driving around (or navigating) New York City, some kind of magical "mental fifth gear" kicked in. I felt like I could navigate like my life depended on it. I love that mental acuity.
***
I've been thinking a lot. A lot of things have been flowing in and out of my head. I'm planning what I want in life. I'm trying to stop and think of what I want in my life, and who I want in life. I'm trying to imagine what my life is going to be like. I need to learn how to see past my own nose.
I need to think of who I'm going to be 5 years from now and start becoming that person. I need to think about what kind of people I'm going to want in my life and meet those people.
***
My first day of classes started today. Something very good also happened friday at work. Between the two, its the opening of a new door for me. When the master's is completed, I'll be able to move to the D.C. area and name my price if I'm to continue government contracting. A lot of people really joke about going to college to put off reality. I think I am one of them. Getting a master's is no cake walk, and considering how I'm a lot more serious about my education this time around, its not really burying my head in the sand, but its admission that I know what I want, what it will take to get it, and that I will need to move on from here. Part of me is happy here, but the part of me that looks to the future feels I won't find true happiness here. What worries me is advice I get from my D.C. friends that aren't yuppies, and that it takes a lot of strength to deal with atmosphere in D.C.
However, part of me is thinking my future lies out in Boulder, CO, or Denver Co. I have family and friends in the area. It would not be as big a crap shoot as moving to WV was. It makes it a lot easier to get a start when you have one or both around you. I used to frown on people who did something like that, thinking they were settling or being weak -- they weren't going to a location because that's where the 'action' is, they were going there so they wouldn't be alone. And they would live out their days like, as Robert A. Heinlein, "the people who don't think and don't matter." Now I just understand that others have valued family more than I have, and its 'value' on my list of priorities has begun to change.
***
This all started from a conversation I had with my co-workers at work. We were discussing the worst way to go. One person's worst way was to burn to death. You feel the first 60% of your body burn all the way to a hot crisp. Its agony all the way until the end. The other was buried alive, forced to suffocate like those miners. Or waking up in a coffin, buried alive, facing such a confined space with little space to move, and no hope of escape.
Mine was a fear I've witnessed close up: Wasting away for years, to die a medicated mess. Eaten alive on the inside by malignant masses. Every treatment a drain on your family's strength and resources. Being a burden. Having people I love hope that I someone how beat the odds -- the death sentence pronounced multiple times by multiple oncologists -- but knowing I'm going to die anyway. That I'm past the point of no return. Everyone just sitting around watching me get worse, waiting for me to die.
Fuck burning alive. At least that's quick. And when the all the nerves in your body have failed, you'll be a in a pain free state of shock induced calm. At least you'll know that compared to what I fear, its relatively quick.
So really, the question that started it all isn't "What's the worst way to die?" but the complement of it: How do I want to live?
In contrast, driving around (or navigating) New York City, some kind of magical "mental fifth gear" kicked in. I felt like I could navigate like my life depended on it. I love that mental acuity.
***
A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.
--Robert A Heinlein
I've been thinking a lot. A lot of things have been flowing in and out of my head. I'm planning what I want in life. I'm trying to stop and think of what I want in my life, and who I want in life. I'm trying to imagine what my life is going to be like. I need to learn how to see past my own nose.
I need to think of who I'm going to be 5 years from now and start becoming that person. I need to think about what kind of people I'm going to want in my life and meet those people.
***
My first day of classes started today. Something very good also happened friday at work. Between the two, its the opening of a new door for me. When the master's is completed, I'll be able to move to the D.C. area and name my price if I'm to continue government contracting. A lot of people really joke about going to college to put off reality. I think I am one of them. Getting a master's is no cake walk, and considering how I'm a lot more serious about my education this time around, its not really burying my head in the sand, but its admission that I know what I want, what it will take to get it, and that I will need to move on from here. Part of me is happy here, but the part of me that looks to the future feels I won't find true happiness here. What worries me is advice I get from my D.C. friends that aren't yuppies, and that it takes a lot of strength to deal with atmosphere in D.C.
However, part of me is thinking my future lies out in Boulder, CO, or Denver Co. I have family and friends in the area. It would not be as big a crap shoot as moving to WV was. It makes it a lot easier to get a start when you have one or both around you. I used to frown on people who did something like that, thinking they were settling or being weak -- they weren't going to a location because that's where the 'action' is, they were going there so they wouldn't be alone. And they would live out their days like, as Robert A. Heinlein, "the people who don't think and don't matter." Now I just understand that others have valued family more than I have, and its 'value' on my list of priorities has begun to change.
***
This all started from a conversation I had with my co-workers at work. We were discussing the worst way to go. One person's worst way was to burn to death. You feel the first 60% of your body burn all the way to a hot crisp. Its agony all the way until the end. The other was buried alive, forced to suffocate like those miners. Or waking up in a coffin, buried alive, facing such a confined space with little space to move, and no hope of escape.
Mine was a fear I've witnessed close up: Wasting away for years, to die a medicated mess. Eaten alive on the inside by malignant masses. Every treatment a drain on your family's strength and resources. Being a burden. Having people I love hope that I someone how beat the odds -- the death sentence pronounced multiple times by multiple oncologists -- but knowing I'm going to die anyway. That I'm past the point of no return. Everyone just sitting around watching me get worse, waiting for me to die.
Fuck burning alive. At least that's quick. And when the all the nerves in your body have failed, you'll be a in a pain free state of shock induced calm. At least you'll know that compared to what I fear, its relatively quick.
So really, the question that started it all isn't "What's the worst way to die?" but the complement of it: How do I want to live?
Labels: late night thoughts, life is short, personal, ramblings
Monday, August 13, 2007
New York City and Pittsburgh
Last week in Pittsburgh with Megan:
Me: "I'm so bad at line dancing it's not funny" (said while at a swing dancing lesson).
Her: "Really?"
Me: "Actually, it IS funny."
--Before learning (for like the 5th time) how to dance the charleston.
Now:
I'm in NYC. For a java developer conference. My trip took like 10+ hours because of PennDOT's decision to close 3 lanes of I-78E 50 miles before Jersery. I know one of my co-workers boyfriend works there -- everyone else associated with PennDOT, I wish painful, nasty things upon. It took me two grueling hours to travel something like 2 miles. All for fixing a few potholes on the interstate. Its 1:30 and I'm going to bed, I have to be up by six so I can make the registration. Then its 12 hours (give or take) of presentations.
But Nick, my friend who's putting me up for the night seems really cool.
I'm sleeping late tomorrow. But I might cut my shopping short so that I can beat the construction on I-78 (its nighttime only construction) back and not have to spend 12 hours driving.
All the best to everyone. I'm also in grad school for the readers who didn't know via Soapbox.
Me: "I'm so bad at line dancing it's not funny" (said while at a swing dancing lesson).
Her: "Really?"
Me: "Actually, it IS funny."
--Before learning (for like the 5th time) how to dance the charleston.
Now:
I'm in NYC. For a java developer conference. My trip took like 10+ hours because of PennDOT's decision to close 3 lanes of I-78E 50 miles before Jersery. I know one of my co-workers boyfriend works there -- everyone else associated with PennDOT, I wish painful, nasty things upon. It took me two grueling hours to travel something like 2 miles. All for fixing a few potholes on the interstate. Its 1:30 and I'm going to bed, I have to be up by six so I can make the registration. Then its 12 hours (give or take) of presentations.
But Nick, my friend who's putting me up for the night seems really cool.
I'm sleeping late tomorrow. But I might cut my shopping short so that I can beat the construction on I-78 (its nighttime only construction) back and not have to spend 12 hours driving.
All the best to everyone. I'm also in grad school for the readers who didn't know via Soapbox.
Labels: late night thoughts, new york city, personal, ramblings, road trips, soapbox, swing dancing, traffic
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The Waiting Game
As a gopher for a local florist growing up, I learned that the biggest lesson you'll learn in life is its all about "Hurry up and wait". Its conventional wisdom that we'll rush through a lot of things in life -- I'm just realizing that July is almost gone -- and that you wait for a lot of things in life. Sometimes its the waiting for things that may not come that drives you mad.
I'm talking, of course, about waiting for my GRE analytical score. My Analytical will determine if I'm admitted to the WVU Computer Science Master's program, or if I have to re-take the GRE (at a lovely $140 expense) and do better to get in.
Why was this driving me mad? Because my landlord only gave out one mail key for both my girlfriend and myself -- and she took it with her to Jersey. And when she checks the mail and we find no analytical score -- I find myself relieved. Its out of sight, out of mind; Tomorrow is Hawaiian Shirt Friday.
So to counteract the stress eating from all this waiting, I put myself through another sprint work out, and this time met with better results. My upper abs still feel torn up, but its the kind of pain I like -- the good work out pain. 2 miles jogged, 4x100 meter sprints. Its nothing exceptional, but its a good start for working out. I'm holding off looking for a gym until I know whether or not I'm a WVU grad student.
JoniSue and I are planning a return trip to Arden with some friends. I was lucky, but I almost died there. Had I my head hit the rock at a different angle, had I been knocked unconscious and pushed downstream, I would be dead right now.
The last time I went there, everything was fine, but I was very, very, very sure in my footing. And I was really more worried about someone else taking a fall onto a rock and hitting their head than me being injured. My girlfriend doesn't exactly have cat like reflexes and balance. This time, I plan on returning and actually relaxing. My goal is to let go of my fear. This doesn't mean I won't be cautious about my movements, but I don't plan on forcing a smile for the sake not showing the slightest bit of my mortality realization.
Its late and thunder storming. The play of flashing light and thunderous sounds is somehow calming tonight. I'm exhausted and I'm going to crash. Viva la weekend.
I'm talking, of course, about waiting for my GRE analytical score. My Analytical will determine if I'm admitted to the WVU Computer Science Master's program, or if I have to re-take the GRE (at a lovely $140 expense) and do better to get in.
Why was this driving me mad? Because my landlord only gave out one mail key for both my girlfriend and myself -- and she took it with her to Jersey. And when she checks the mail and we find no analytical score -- I find myself relieved. Its out of sight, out of mind; Tomorrow is Hawaiian Shirt Friday.
So to counteract the stress eating from all this waiting, I put myself through another sprint work out, and this time met with better results. My upper abs still feel torn up, but its the kind of pain I like -- the good work out pain. 2 miles jogged, 4x100 meter sprints. Its nothing exceptional, but its a good start for working out. I'm holding off looking for a gym until I know whether or not I'm a WVU grad student.
JoniSue and I are planning a return trip to Arden with some friends. I was lucky, but I almost died there. Had I my head hit the rock at a different angle, had I been knocked unconscious and pushed downstream, I would be dead right now.
The last time I went there, everything was fine, but I was very, very, very sure in my footing. And I was really more worried about someone else taking a fall onto a rock and hitting their head than me being injured. My girlfriend doesn't exactly have cat like reflexes and balance. This time, I plan on returning and actually relaxing. My goal is to let go of my fear. This doesn't mean I won't be cautious about my movements, but I don't plan on forcing a smile for the sake not showing the slightest bit of my mortality realization.
Its late and thunder storming. The play of flashing light and thunderous sounds is somehow calming tonight. I'm exhausted and I'm going to crash. Viva la weekend.
Labels: Arden, life is short, personal, ramblings, trips, weekend
Monday, July 23, 2007
This post will not compute.
"No wonder now
I finally found
the right forumla for me
you taught me how
I play the fool
every mistake I make
I couldn't have made without you
what's said is done
and plain to see
you take it all too seriously
here's what you get from me."
(Get Up Kids, Action and Action, Something to Write Home About)
Sorry about that. The Get Up Kids just bring me back, and my iPod brought them up at the right time. It brought me back to the days where I was allowed to be a jackass on Bucknell's Radio Station, WVBU.
Highlights of this weekend:
We waited in line for the harry potter book and the madness of the Barnes and Noble in Squirrel Hill. A bunch of teens were dressed up as dementors. They stayed in character even as the humor value went stale.
Sandcastle Water park (located behind the Costco at the Waterfront) was a very fun time. As lame as it sounds, I think watersides are my new 'thing'. Coasters always freak me out. So I've never really been down with Kenny wood for the most part. Sandcastle was a lot of fun and a good way to get some sun on a Saturday afternoon. My friends from home didn't join us but I'm not going to really go into details. I just hope their relationship is okay after whatever went down.
The shadyside bar crawl was much shorter and tamer for me because Erin fell and twisted her ankle, and I stayed with her while she iced it and read Harry Potter. I played 'Gears of War' single player on 'Hardcore' and frankly felt unimpressed. I have a co-worker who rants about how next-gen the game was, but console AI is still a joke to me. I've played so much Return To Castle Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory that I'm used to human-level AI when it comes to combat.
I'm used to enemies doing this thing called "working together" to get what's called a "multiplier of force" so that killing the two of them is harder than killing either one of them individually. I'm used to artillery that is constantly targeting your defense positions. Players that lie in wait and only open fire when they've already got the head shot lined up. Console AI is still so primative it like those traveling shooting galleries of the old west where you shoot the target and hear "ping" and it falls down. All the HD graphics in the world can't change the fact its more like a linear narrative, while online gaming in something like RTCW:ET is more like a pick-up sport. There's rules and boundaries, but that's it.
Oh yeah, Erin's ankle is okay.
Sunday I spent saying Goodbye to Greg. He's moving out to Boulder, CO. and taking a job as web developer. Greg talked a little bit about the break up with Kelly, and how its messy after breaking up with someone you've dated for two and half years and lived with. I can imagine. My last break up was about as messy as it gets. Leaving someone like that is a one-way hash function: You're going to come out the other side changed, and no way to get back what you were.
I wish him well. Greg is one of my friends that I know I never need to worry about. He's smart enough to solve his problems better than anyone I know. And I know I'll no doubt visit at some point.
Latest "Honesty Box" message on my facebook:
I regret that I exist as a dichotomy of social/anti-social but its what happens when I'm in a "rural" area, and yes, I feel more than qualified in calling Morgantown "rural" since I just reminded myself what REAL traffic and REAL road construction is kinda like by spending a weekend driving around Pittsburgh. I don't get together with people to just watch TV. I'm a different person outside of a weekend social setting. I regret that nobody we've made friends just likes to stay in. Or read in a coffee shop. Or calls outside of the weekend. (Matt C. I'm excluding you from this generalization because you actually make an effort.)
Its insulting when you realize there's people in your life that need alcohol to be around you. And would probably be too hungover to help you in an hour of need. In my desire to seek out fun, I've found some of the same crowd from which I fled. Life is too short to deal with fair weather friends and people who're one way streets. I have a feeling a tangential shift in my life is coming, and soon.
I finally found
the right forumla for me
you taught me how
I play the fool
every mistake I make
I couldn't have made without you
what's said is done
and plain to see
you take it all too seriously
here's what you get from me."
(Get Up Kids, Action and Action, Something to Write Home About)
Sorry about that. The Get Up Kids just bring me back, and my iPod brought them up at the right time. It brought me back to the days where I was allowed to be a jackass on Bucknell's Radio Station, WVBU.
Highlights of this weekend:
We waited in line for the harry potter book and the madness of the Barnes and Noble in Squirrel Hill. A bunch of teens were dressed up as dementors. They stayed in character even as the humor value went stale.
Sandcastle Water park (located behind the Costco at the Waterfront) was a very fun time. As lame as it sounds, I think watersides are my new 'thing'. Coasters always freak me out. So I've never really been down with Kenny wood for the most part. Sandcastle was a lot of fun and a good way to get some sun on a Saturday afternoon. My friends from home didn't join us but I'm not going to really go into details. I just hope their relationship is okay after whatever went down.
The shadyside bar crawl was much shorter and tamer for me because Erin fell and twisted her ankle, and I stayed with her while she iced it and read Harry Potter. I played 'Gears of War' single player on 'Hardcore' and frankly felt unimpressed. I have a co-worker who rants about how next-gen the game was, but console AI is still a joke to me. I've played so much Return To Castle Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory that I'm used to human-level AI when it comes to combat.
I'm used to enemies doing this thing called "working together" to get what's called a "multiplier of force" so that killing the two of them is harder than killing either one of them individually. I'm used to artillery that is constantly targeting your defense positions. Players that lie in wait and only open fire when they've already got the head shot lined up. Console AI is still so primative it like those traveling shooting galleries of the old west where you shoot the target and hear "ping" and it falls down. All the HD graphics in the world can't change the fact its more like a linear narrative, while online gaming in something like RTCW:ET is more like a pick-up sport. There's rules and boundaries, but that's it.
Oh yeah, Erin's ankle is okay.
Sunday I spent saying Goodbye to Greg. He's moving out to Boulder, CO. and taking a job as web developer. Greg talked a little bit about the break up with Kelly, and how its messy after breaking up with someone you've dated for two and half years and lived with. I can imagine. My last break up was about as messy as it gets. Leaving someone like that is a one-way hash function: You're going to come out the other side changed, and no way to get back what you were.
I wish him well. Greg is one of my friends that I know I never need to worry about. He's smart enough to solve his problems better than anyone I know. And I know I'll no doubt visit at some point.
Latest "Honesty Box" message on my facebook:
"In general you are very nice person and you seem like you would help just about anyone out... But you can be quite annoying! You don't seem to have a clue to a lot of social things in life nor do you know how to take a hint. Sometimes you .. are almost inconsiderate of others needs, like sleep and such."
I regret that I exist as a dichotomy of social/anti-social but its what happens when I'm in a "rural" area, and yes, I feel more than qualified in calling Morgantown "rural" since I just reminded myself what REAL traffic and REAL road construction is kinda like by spending a weekend driving around Pittsburgh. I don't get together with people to just watch TV. I'm a different person outside of a weekend social setting. I regret that nobody we've made friends just likes to stay in. Or read in a coffee shop. Or calls outside of the weekend. (Matt C. I'm excluding you from this generalization because you actually make an effort.)
Its insulting when you realize there's people in your life that need alcohol to be around you. And would probably be too hungover to help you in an hour of need. In my desire to seek out fun, I've found some of the same crowd from which I fled. Life is too short to deal with fair weather friends and people who're one way streets. I have a feeling a tangential shift in my life is coming, and soon.
Labels: life is short, personal, ramblings, thoughts
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Where Ubuntu Wins
This article could alternately be known as "I refuse to blame Microsoft for locking out people from media with propritary file formats" and "I don't know what to download to use a mac". Hint: Its a piece of free software called "VLC".
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Car Accident; Grad School; GREs.
I got into a car accident today. I rear ended someone. I managed to hit them so lightly, that the only damage was that I put some of the "dark wax" that I had buffed onto my car that day (to hide scratches) was transfered onto their car.
But I did exchange insurance information. And it still sucked.
Grad School application is complete. Transcript has been over nighted to WVU. GREs scheduled for next thursday. I'm planning on throwing a party afterward. Wings. Gamecube. Liquor. That's how I get over standardized tests.
But I did exchange insurance information. And it still sucked.
Grad School application is complete. Transcript has been over nighted to WVU. GREs scheduled for next thursday. I'm planning on throwing a party afterward. Wings. Gamecube. Liquor. That's how I get over standardized tests.
Labels: personal, ramblings, thoughts
Saturday, July 07, 2007
My favorite love poem
When I was 17, my first girlfriend gave me a treasury of poems compiled by Sarah Anne Stuart. Its a popular tome. Inscribed in it is my favorite love poem, the human touch by Spencer Michael Free.
Every time my faith in the world is shaken, I re-read this wisdom.
Its short, sweet, and to me, meaningful. Due to some grad school-related stress, I've felt the need to reach deep and find something to calm down my otherwise high-strung self.
I hope this wisdom can help you, the reader of this page, through a trying time as well.
The Human Touch
Tis the human touch in this world that counts,
The touch of your hand and mine,
Which means far more to the fainting heart
Than shelter and bread and wine;
For shelter is gone with the night is o'er.
And bread lasts only a day,
But the touch of the hand and the sound of the voice
Sing on in the soul always.
Every time my faith in the world is shaken, I re-read this wisdom.
Its short, sweet, and to me, meaningful. Due to some grad school-related stress, I've felt the need to reach deep and find something to calm down my otherwise high-strung self.
I hope this wisdom can help you, the reader of this page, through a trying time as well.
Labels: love, personal, ramblings
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Stay Stay Stay
"Stay Stay Stay" By Bedford, off of Smiles Are The Batteries (link below)
It may be true I've fallen for you
and its the worst single thing I could do
For if you knew how I really feel
you would be scared away
I think you know what I'm going to say
Stay .... Stay ... Stay ...
it may be true I'm kinda blue
and just one sure fuck you
say night good and good morning night
I swear my intentions are pure
I think you know what I'm going to say
stay stay stay
true
its meaning to you
and I guess its time you knew
this night won't end
with us as friends
you know what I want to do
I think you know what I'm going say
Stay Stay Stay
and if you don't believe me
I swear e
It may be true I've fallen for you
and its the worst single thing I could do
For if you knew how I really feel
you would be scared away
I think you know what I'm going to say
Stay .... Stay ... Stay ...
it may be true I'm kinda blue
and just one sure fuck you
say night good and good morning night
I swear my intentions are pure
I think you know what I'm going to say
stay stay stay
true
its meaning to you
and I guess its time you knew
this night won't end
with us as friends
you know what I want to do
I think you know what I'm going say
Stay Stay Stay
and if you don't believe me
I swear e