The Robot's Thoughts

Today was the toughest day I've ever had for keeping thoughts out of my head.

Maybe its the lack of sleep that I've gotten all week.

Maybe its the fact that I'm actually feeling like a part of the team at work and I have work to do. Like I'm a part of something again.

Maybe its the 1:45am phone call I got from a friend last night, on the verge tears. Sleep doesn't matter compared to old friend's troubles.

So my mind was everywhere today. I couldn't focus. It was frustrating. I even asked for help from the group after I felt I had wasted my hour in nature.

Their advice was simple:
1) This is part of the process. It was a busy day.
2) The two things you develop in meditation, awareness of what your mind does, and
focus. When you lose focus, at least be aware of it. Find your breathe. Sometimes you can't be one with the universe. Sometimes you can only be one with your breathe.
3) Mediate more. Even 5 minutes at work. As it becomes part of your daily life,

I didn't go out to Karaoke tonight. I'm helping a friend take her mind off somethings, and I'm doing laundry and finding my breathe. Tomorrow I'm going to meditate, and maybe if I'm feeling up to it, I might ask someone to walk with me through WVU's arboretum. But right now I long for solitude. Silence. Stillness.

6am wake up call. I'm surprised I'm even still awake. I took 4 capsules of valarian root, and joined my friend for a Cosmo. She's going to stay up on watch Bill Marhar on Demand while I retire once this final load of laundry is done.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, ramblings, thoughts

Goals Accomplished This Past Week:

1. All work tasks accomplished by the end of the week.
2. Birthday Venue Booked for October 16th.
3. Three Day Weekend Spent with Sara Beth.
4. "The Nightman Cometh" Live tickets purchased for myself, Ron, and Erin.

Goals To Accomplish This Coming Week:

1. Find a Junkyard that will pay me what I want for my car.
2. Place all my books/dvds that aren't "life essential" up for sale on Amazon.com.
3. Get my Passport photos taken.
4. Talk to Ron about incorporating Creatine into our workout routine.
5. Get my course registration form signed by my adviser and register for classes.

I have one full physical year left of grad school. I can graduate in spring 2010 if I take 9 credits. Or, its possible I might be conduct my final classes through WVU's e-campus software.

This means I can transfer out to my company's Virginia branch as early as March/May next year.

And then after my year of working to pay my company back, I will be 29. I will be out of debt (except for my car, which will be 75+% paid off). Then I'm going to do something based off a discussion I had with fellow Zen practitioners after walking meditation. I'm going to join an organization like the Peace Corp. Or AmeriCorp. Or possibly something that might take me outside the U.S. We as a society praise celebrities like Michael Jackson, but real heros are people who volunteer to help build wells, treat malaria, etc. Humanitarians are "real heros", as the speaker put it. To do good for another human being is praiseworthy.

I have time to research it. But its something I've wanted to do since I was 18, but I've always had to push back. The grants I was relying on to pay for college would expire when I turned 22. Needing to support family or get out of debt. Seriously romantically engaged with someone.

There's really no time like the present.

Labels: blogging, late night thoughts, life is short, personal, thoughts

Rands In Repose has a great blog post on "Toxic Assets". These are the people who go ALL CAPS on your ass. People avoid this team member. He doesn't get the memo. He's defining someone as "Toxic" when despite Management's best efforts, people can't work with him and he might have to be let go. He closes with this:

The history of the Silicon Valley is full of stories of toxic people who were, well, right. These people were physically removed from their respective companies, but their agenda, their ideas, however unpalatable to the existing cultural regime, were actually the right thing to do for that particular company.

The paradox is we often need these toxic people. We need these self-centered assholes to totally ignore cultural conventions and to mix things up beyond recognition. They don’t need social grace and they don’t need charisma. Both help, but their value lies in their intense belief in their own culture.

I have an intense belief in my own culture. I've had debates where the other person has left the room because they felt they weren't being heard. They probably feel I was going ALL CAPS on them. I was just bypassing the part of the argument where they talk. This might sound arrogant, but I've heard it before.

You don't grow up poor, punk, educated, atheist, and liberal in central PA without facing intense cultural scrutiny. You're an outsider. People you've never met know things about you before you even start the conversation.

Anyway, the article and its simple model of relationships provoked thought in me, and I thought it was a good read. So I thought I'd share.

Labels: corporate culture, goals, links, personal, ramblings, thoughts

I'm stealing this from my former Boss and good friend Don, who posed this on Facebook.

It is a common theme in our society that it is admirable to be attracted to people because of their personality or intelligence, and less than admirable to be attracted to people because of their looks or their money. At the same time, it is generally held to be admirable to admire or despise others because of their choices and actions, and less than admirable - actively wrong, even - to admire or despise due to accidents of birth or circumstance.

My thesis is that looks and money are much more under a person's voluntary control than personality or intelligence, and that therefore these two positions are logically incompatible. My question is, how did this contradiction come to be so commonly held?

While the influences on a person's financial situation are most often not simple, and certainly there are many rich and poor people whose fiscal standing is largely due to happenstance, it is nevertheless the case that, in general, one's monetary resources can be enlarged through one's own choices and efforts. Likewise with appearance: Although altering basic structure is hazardous and expensive, making the best of what you were born with - eating healthy and hitting the gym, getting a good haircut, wearing flattering clothing, paying attention to details - is something all but the very poorest can, in principle, choose to do.

On the other hand, it is simply not possible to choose to have a sense of humor if you don't have one, to be good with language if you aren't, to have an easier grasp of math than you already do. As Sacha Guitry said, "You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty." And you can't pretend to have an aptitude for quantum physics or for writing good poetry or for comic timing. Those just aren't choices you can make.

So if you meet someone rich and good-looking, there is at least some chance that those qualities are due to the person's own efforts. If you meet someone brilliant and witty, that is certainly due to good luck alone. So why is it "shallow" to be attracted to the rich and good-looking?

My friend Melissa posits that due to our "Western" society's values being shaped so deeply by Christian morals, we tend to value the innate (or "God-given") whereas traits such as greed or vanity (which again, anyone can work towards improving) are "deadly sins".

I don't agree or disagree completely with either statement. On the other hand, I also don't think its entirely shallow to be so attracted to money. Money isn't the root of all evil, love of money is the root of all evil. Money is society's way of valuating one's labor. If we assume that people are paid in a fair manner relating to their value, as judged by society, then someone who has generated more wealth is someone who was or is "more valuable" to society.

While I'm sure someone can argue that in their belief system there are things that can't have a price put on them, or that love is worth more than all the money in the world, there are certainly those who feel that the access to opportunities in education the wealthy have traditionally had would outweigh any "creature comforts". This assumes, of course, that the person of wealth has no vices that endanger your health or safety (drinker, beater, drug user, etc).

However....if someone is "smart", even by innate gifts, they're needed in society. We have a large shortage of scientists and engineers of high quality in this country. We need people with "innate" smartness; we rely on them for breakthroughs that might not be possible without their creativity and ideas. We rely on ideas with innate talents to make us laugh.

It takes all kinds, and I'm interested in hearing people's thoughts.

Labels: blogging, money, ramblings, thoughts

Nothing angers me more than the bumper sticker seen below parked in a "High Technology Park". Seriously, evolution is one of the finest and foremost theories produced by the scientific method. The scientific method is something you should be intimately familiar with if you're pretending to be a scientist or an engineer -- or even a computer programmer. I'm not saying you're allowed to have religious beliefs. But when your religious beliefs are directly contradicted by science -- its not science that's lying. A willfully ignorant computer engineer, computer scientist, or Program Manager for either has no place in the industry. That's how I feel about it, and I'm sticking to it.




Seriously, its a bad sign when you're living in denial like that and people depend on you. Even Jesus would bitch slap the ignorance out of you. People with such antiquated Luddite beliefs belong to the greeters at Wal-Mart, not the "high technology" industry here in West Virginia.

Labels: crazy people, Fairmont, free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, government failures, personal, pictures, thoughts

Here's a site that's worth checking out.
Its basically a small-university IT employee cataloging the absenteeism of her incompetent boss, Bob.

I'm sure the names are changed to protect the innocent, but again, its an entertaining read. It reminds me of the combined stupidity of the managers of my old, old workplace. We called it it "Rob and Paul Show". The downside was they weren't nearly absent enough for anyone to get any real work done.

Kudos to the saint of all chucks for the find.

Labels: corporate culture, links, Reddit, thoughts

Yesterday I woke up with some "insanely painful" chest pain. I think it was a delayed effect of all the hedonism from this weekend. I barely made it to my car pool.

Today, however, I'm happy to report, involves waking up without any tightness or pain in my chest.

Oh, another thing about the party I threw this weekend: Someone stole my deodorant. Really. It was the one thing missing from my room. You think someone would take my playstation 2. Or my digital camera that was being passed around. Or one of my iPods. But no, someone stole a used stick of deodorant. Puzzle over that during the rest of the day. I know I have.

Labels: blogging, crazy people, friends, personal, ramblings, thoughts

I've recently purchased the platinum series of Evangelion, all episodes included and what not. I haven't really watched the series in about 10 years. It was one of those really awesome shows from my childhood -- i had bootlegs from the laserdiscs that were fan subtitled. Loved it.

Its kinda fun to relive a good part of the childhood.

On a side note, from the "what the fuck, i can't believe that, it pisses me off" department, someone (i think) stole a hub cap off my car. Again. it pissed me off on my drive home. But thankfully, both cats realized i needed some immediate de-stress, and came over and purred their heart out.

It helps in letting go of the little wrongs. That's an important life lesson, and I'm happy for that.

Labels: personal, thoughts

I thought I'd finally get something off my chest that I've been feeling for a long time. Are you ready?

Bitter Animosity towards people in my life.

Mostly its because of drama. Drama is the fly in the ointment for 90% of humanity. Too little, things become boring and stale. Too much, and well, your life becomes more about driving people away and self destruction more than anything else. In other words, you become "Elliot" from scrubs (season 1 and 2, mostly).

I think what really helped me witness this epiphany was trying to reason with two barely functional twenty somethings with incongruent sexual identities. One was a straight derived self worth from pleasuring gay guys with free blowjobs. The other was a lesbian who enjoyed blowing straight guys and bragging about it. I realized, as crazy as they are, in every way, they really deserve one another. That's good and bad, but also something I entirely wash my hands of.

And while giving these people the mental 86, I started thinking about all the people who I'd chalk up as 'fair weather friend' or 'simply unreliable'. Or the old college 'friend of convenience'. Friendship should mean something. It does to me.

So I'm cutting a bunch of people out of my life. I'm just "cutting them loose". Don't call me, I'll call you.

You aren't worth the disappointment.

Labels: crazy people, free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, late night thoughts, thoughts

Back again, but I don't really have any time...does anyone still read my goddamn blog? Comment love would be appreciated.

My roommate (and *cough* ex-girlfriend) was in the hospital. She had breathing problems. Her O2Sat was around 80 when they started monitoring her. They technically can't let you leave a hospital unless its above 90. At 80, doing simple things like "walking" or "trying to use the bathroom without help" can leave you winded and possibly pass out.

Nobody really knows what's wrong with her: It could be TB, it could be walking pneumonia, it could be asthma.

So she spent nearly 2 days in a hospital, and I was there to help her with medical issues and offer moral support.

And this is crunch time for me. So I'm busy catching up at work and busy catching up in school.

Leave me some love.

Labels: late night thoughts, personal, thoughts

Well, one person has demanded and update, and an update she shall get!

I've been exhausted because the pace of life lately has been running at a pace where its always a few steps ahead of me. This is probably because grad school makes me feel like i'm in over my head -- it could also be just that I'm at the age where when given a shit-ton of (at least to me) pointless busy work that does not serve to teach my anything, i focus on things that actually seem worth my time. I'm dragging myself across the finish line. I think next semester I'm going to try to take courses that interest me more, even if the workload turns out to be more.

Another thing that kills me is most of my friends are on cruise control because they're graduating in a month or so. So I go out way more than I should. Then again, I say yes to everything.

I went swing dancing in Pittsburgh this past weekend. I find it especially hilarious that I'm even more spastic when I swing dance. There is the occasional moment where I'm graceful, but when I'm with someone I know pretty well, and I find we both end up giggling like idiots and trying not to crash into anyone else on the dance floor. I'm glad the new club president seems more open to organizing "away" events more than once a semester. Considering that Pittsburgh is one hour, twenty minutes away (less the way I drive) its not really that hard.

A friend of mine that I've known since my college days might be doing a start up company in Pittsburgh with an idea I basically came up with all by myself. I'm not upset or jealous -- I'm actually quite excited for him. I've kind of abandoned the idea because I wouldn't want to do an "advertiser funded" business plan for a web based start up. Its a "young man's business model" -- where you build something cool (both from a technical and non-technical definition of cool) and attract eyeballs. Once you have the eyeballs, you can make money via google adwords. I'd prefer something with more of a plan B, but I'm psyched he's gonna take the risk, or might take the risk. He's meeting with venture capitalists trying to fund Pittsburgh based web-start ups in the next week. I'm pulling for him. Also, if he's reading this and does strike it rich, remember it was my idea and I make a great entourage member. I can drive you around places and carry spare laptop batteries.

One reason I haven't been posting as much is that Reddit.com has taken over my web browsing. And I've gotten into too many arguements with idiotic trolls. Its sad that no corner of the internet social media trend is free from 9/11 conspiracy whackos, ridiculously scornful libertarians who believe the free market can fix everything, global warming deniers, and pro-creationism douchebags. Allow me to state the following without being bitter: If a defense computer ever does become self-aware, and nukes most of humanity, like Skynet, I will be okay with it, as long as all of the above are completely wiped out. No matter what I comment on, I attract these idiots. And I've apparently lost my mutant ability to make idiots who keep bothering me drink anti-freeze.

My friend Vanessa started talking to me again. I thought out friendship had died out on the wayside. Its good to see one come back from the brink.

Labels: blogging, personal, ramblings, thoughts

http://dfranke.us/pfs.html

This is the most brilliant thing I've read all week. I really hope they deploy it against 419ers.

Labels: links, ramblings, thoughts

I'm glad class isn't in session because I've been scaling bits and pieces of the learning curve that is JEE5.0+Spring 2.5+Hibernate3+Hibernate Annotations.

Its the first time I've really felt you needed to 'smart' to do my job. I'm not trying to talk out my ass -- I don't feel smart attempting to get things done in Eclipse (the IDE du jour for Java development) -- but this isn't something that one master's easily. It feels like I'm pushing around furniture when what I'm really trying to do is toss around a frisbee.

So I was naturally a little pre-occupied when the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl came around. Since I decided not to make an insane road trip out of it (saving what little vacation I have for a planned for snowboarding trip with Greg over spring break) I figured I should at least watch it with someone.

Three different people asked me to hang out with them and watch the game that night. Rather than take DFR's advice from over Christmas break -- say "Yes" to any social invite -- if just to get you out of the house and meet more people -- I sat around, read, and lightly thought upon my problem. It took until halftime for me to shake off my funk and go over to Vanessa's, because she nagged me the most, and it was a good time.

The reason I'm writing this is because I feel like I've defined by problem: Java has traded idiomatic-ness (if that's a word) for its ability to have a gazillion interoperable frameworks. And that's great if you're mr. blub, trying to build a blub tower for the people of blubville. You've got a one-size-fits-all catch all language.

But there's no room for metis. Even where there might be definite beauty or craft, I'm at a point where it still feels I'm a woodworker trying to appreciate the work of a stonecutter. That's nice and all, but did you have to pick such a cold and heavy medium?

Hopefully I'll get to a java-happy-place. In time. It just feels like my experience with Ruby, Cocoa, and Python has a me always hearing a voice telling me in that faux-austrialian infomerical accent "There's got to be a better way! Call now!"

Anyway, I wanted to post two links I found that fellow programmers like CoyoteTechnica will find interesting. The first is titled "Java is an Evolutionary Dead End" and it sort of touches upon what I'm getting at: Code is meant to be read more times than it is to be written, so a concise language that's easily readable will be better than the overly-syntaxic world of java.

And the second, also by Bruce Eckel, is called "The Mythical 5%" and its a commencement speech that he gave to a bunch of Computer Science kiddies. I like it because its actually good advice and somewhat inspiring. I tried giving similar advice ("This is a field that involves constantly learning and re-learning to keep up") but came off as condescending and cruel. So forget what I would say and read the artcle. Its a good read.

Labels: links, personal, software, thoughts

Yesterday I bought my first ringtone ever. At the $2.99 price, and the very limited utility of it, I'm doubting I'll do it again for a long time. But it was "novel".

I also recently went suit shopping for my company's annual Christmas party. I'm really pleased with the outcome, and am excited to get it back from the tailor. I am going to look pretty good, and its going to be a good time drinking with friends and co-workers. My friend Jen was essential in helping me keep my spirits up and remain confident that there would be a positive outcome. Also, her fashion sense definitely complimented mine and the salespersons.

I'm excited for my company's christmas party. Always a good time to drink top shelf stuff on somebody else's dime.

I'm actually considering printing up pre-apology cards for people's significant others because I know I'm going to over-celebrate this year.

Its not definite yet, but I might be in Miami for New Year's. I'm excited for it, but its all about making sure I can afford the trip.

I've had a recent first hand illumination on a bad habit (of my past, I hope) where you're arguing not to prove a point, but simply to prove to yourself that you're right. I realize I haven't conquered that, but I can at least recognize that kind of anger in others now. And because I try to believe in selling bridges instead of burning them, I've learned to ride out these people's tantrums.

And I tell myself that with a little patience I can get through this. We walk not long upon the earth. No need to tread the paths that lead only to bitterness. With Patience, I can outlast someone's pettiness and see past what they are in the moment.

Less than two weeks left in school and I'm looking at straight A's for grad school. Not bad for a first semester.

Beowulf 3D was not that bad of a movie. Next up: Hitman.

Back to school stuff.

Labels: blogging, personal, ramblings, thoughts

I turn 26 tomorrow. On that omission, its a slow downhill slide to 30. Its got me thinking about what I need to accomplish, or in other words, where I want to be when I'm 30.

So here's a (brief) list of goals. I'm omitting goals that are, for the most part, out of my control, such as getting married/kids because that "takes two".

• Own property. Or at the very least, save for a house. Hello, tax write off!
  
• Relocate to a more urban area. The three preliminary areas are Seattle, Wa., Boulder, Co., and Washington D.C. I have friends and family near most those areas. Its not that I don't enjoy Morgantown, but I have a feeling that what I enjoy the most (my friends) will have mostly graduated and moved on by the time I'm ready to move on.
  
• Finish my master's in computer science.
  
• Continue to swing dance. I still need to learn the Lindi Hop down pat. My footwork and timing is sloppy.
• Resume playing Piano. I played for six years and hated every god damned second of it. But that's mostly because of poor parenting. Don't ever set up music lessons for your kid on 8am on a Saturday. I don't see how my mother and father, together since they were in high school, and with nearly a decade of parenting experience thought that was going to do anything but inspire resentment and waste money. But I guess my dinosauric instructor was right: I'll be back someday.
  
• Travel. Travel. Travel.
  
• Heart hack. I just invented that term, so if its never been used before, I'm coining it. Engineering and programming teach you to recognize patterns and analyze things. You're given a toolkit to keep learning and recognize problems and solve them. I'd like to develop the same toolkit for emotional, instead of intellectual issues. Part of me thinks this might take spirituality, and re-reading the books I have written by the Dali Lama couldn't hurt, but I'm thinking some kind of rational, objectivist way of recognizing when I'm in an argument with blinders on. Or when I'm treating someone unfairly. In short, I want to re-program my emotional firmware.
• Write a book

I'm open to any ideas that aren't entirely cliche (e.g. "Run a Marathon"). But this is all I have for now, besides "get more sleep" because I'm tired.

Labels: birthdays, goals, personal, thoughts

Saturday night was a let down. I hung out with my law school friend, MP, and her friends from Marshall. The only problem is that they were all paired up. So this left me as the 5th wheel. It was less comical than you think.

Three observations:

1. The White Tie is out of style. Everyone is doing it now. And nobody was pulling it off even nearly as well I did. Well, except the guy who was dressed up like some kind of half-sailor, half-village people tribute group member.
2. If you're not enough where you can grow facial hair, please do not sport any at a club. 95% of men can't pull off facial hair well anyway. Having some kind of scraggily scruff all over your face is not remotely appealing to anyone outside of a trailer park or middle school dance.
   
3. You must be at least 10 years of my age to have the privilege of talking to me and not creeping me out.

So all it in all, it was a low energy saturday night that left me feeling dejected and alone. I often forget (but quickly remember) that this is the default feeling for most 'single' guys on a saturday night. I'm going through the psychological shift from being in a relationship to being on my own. Studies show that people in relationships, co-dependent or not, are more confident
and happy. It does not say those who kiss their wife before they leave work, or those in happy relationship, but simply being in a relationship is a different "set" of brainspace.

As I shift from one brainspace to another, I risk imploding into some kind of self-centered (more than usual), angst-ridden, withdrawn version of myself. I've already recognized the pattern I'm falling into. So trying to surround myself with chill people who help me "move past" this phase is definitely a short-term goal. However, it also contradicts my goal of actually getting shit done for grad school. I'm starting to realize that my one "real" class is going to be more demanding than I thought. Its another "brainspace" issue. I hate theory classes.

What you want from another person is really what you want in yourself. While I don't plan on withdrawing like I did the last time I split up after a long-term relationship, I don't plan on looking for anything. Instead, I plan on seeking out the qualities I desire within. I like fun-loving people. I need to learn how to make my own fun.

Labels: love, narcissim, personal, ramblings, thoughts

I'm going to read this comic over every day until I feel comfortable saying what I think. Both here online and to the people in my life.

Labels: free expression is vital to the growth of every human being, fuck conformity, life is short, thoughts, web comics, xkcd

I said that "Patriotism" is a way of saying "Women and children first." And that no one can force a man to feel this way. Instead he must embrace it freely. I want to tell about one such man. He wore no uniform and no one knows his name, or where he came from; all we know is what he did.

In my home town sixty years ago when I was a child, my mother and father used to take me and my brothers and sisters out to Swope Park on Sunday afternoons. It was a wonderful place for kids, with picnic grounds and lakes and a zoo. But a railroad line cut straight through it.

One Sunday afternoon a young married couple were crossing these tracks. She apparently did not watch her step, for she managed to catch her foot in the frog of a switch to a siding and could not pull it free. Her husband stopped to help her.

But try as they might they could not get her foot loose. While they were working at it, a tramp showed up, walking the ties. He joined the husband in trying to pull the young woman's foot loose. No luck —

Out of sight around the curve a train whistled. Perhaps there would have been time to run and flag it down, perhaps not. In any case both men went right ahead trying to pull her free... and the train hit them.

The wife was killed, the husband was mortally injured and died later, the tramp was killed — and testimony showed that neither man made the slightest effort to save himself.

The husband's behavior was heroic... but what we expect of a husband toward his wife: his right, and his proud privilege, to die for his woman. But what of this nameless stranger? Up to the very last second he could have jumped clear. He did not. He was still trying to save this woman he had never seen before in his life, right up to the very instant the train killed him. And that's all we'll ever know about him.

This is how a man dies.

This is how a man... lives!

Labels: late night thoughts, quotables, ramblings, Robert A. Heinlein, thoughts

This article by Scott Adams over on his Dilbert Blog talks about decisions that threaten your ego -- risk vs. a safe choice like the status quo.

It reminds me of the Scrubs episode where J.D. wants to ask out a social worker that is trapped in the MRI machine (season one, her name is Alex). And he sums it up with, "Every time you take a big risk, even if it bites you in the ass, you're proud you took it."

Either way -- being able to make a choice satisfies your ego. Risk or Safety.

When's the last time you've jumped without a net?

Labels: life is short, links, thoughts

"No wonder now
I finally found
the right forumla for me

you taught me how
I play the fool
every mistake I make
I couldn't have made without you

what's said is done
and plain to see
you take it all too seriously
here's what you get from me."
(Get Up Kids, Action and Action, Something to Write Home About)

Sorry about that. The Get Up Kids just bring me back, and my iPod brought them up at the right time. It brought me back to the days where I was allowed to be a jackass on Bucknell's Radio Station, WVBU.

Highlights of this weekend:

We waited in line for the harry potter book and the madness of the Barnes and Noble in Squirrel Hill. A bunch of teens were dressed up as dementors. They stayed in character even as the humor value went stale.

Sandcastle Water park (located behind the Costco at the Waterfront) was a very fun time. As lame as it sounds, I think watersides are my new 'thing'. Coasters always freak me out. So I've never really been down with Kenny wood for the most part. Sandcastle was a lot of fun and a good way to get some sun on a Saturday afternoon. My friends from home didn't join us but I'm not going to really go into details. I just hope their relationship is okay after whatever went down.

The shadyside bar crawl was much shorter and tamer for me because Erin fell and twisted her ankle, and I stayed with her while she iced it and read Harry Potter. I played 'Gears of War' single player on 'Hardcore' and frankly felt unimpressed. I have a co-worker who rants about how next-gen the game was, but console AI is still a joke to me. I've played so much Return To Castle Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory that I'm used to human-level AI when it comes to combat.

I'm used to enemies doing this thing called "working together" to get what's called a "multiplier of force" so that killing the two of them is harder than killing either one of them individually. I'm used to artillery that is constantly targeting your defense positions. Players that lie in wait and only open fire when they've already got the head shot lined up. Console AI is still so primative it like those traveling shooting galleries of the old west where you shoot the target and hear "ping" and it falls down. All the HD graphics in the world can't change the fact its more like a linear narrative, while online gaming in something like RTCW:ET is more like a pick-up sport. There's rules and boundaries, but that's it.

Oh yeah, Erin's ankle is okay.

Sunday I spent saying Goodbye to Greg. He's moving out to Boulder, CO. and taking a job as web developer. Greg talked a little bit about the break up with Kelly, and how its messy after breaking up with someone you've dated for two and half years and lived with. I can imagine. My last break up was about as messy as it gets. Leaving someone like that is a one-way hash function: You're going to come out the other side changed, and no way to get back what you were.

I wish him well. Greg is one of my friends that I know I never need to worry about. He's smart enough to solve his problems better than anyone I know. And I know I'll no doubt visit at some point.

Latest "Honesty Box" message on my facebook:

"In general you are very nice person and you seem like you would help just about anyone out... But you can be quite annoying! You don't seem to have a clue to a lot of social things in life nor do you know how to take a hint. Sometimes you .. are almost inconsiderate of others needs, like sleep and such."

I regret that I exist as a dichotomy of social/anti-social but its what happens when I'm in a "rural" area, and yes, I feel more than qualified in calling Morgantown "rural" since I just reminded myself what REAL traffic and REAL road construction is kinda like by spending a weekend driving around Pittsburgh. I don't get together with people to just watch TV. I'm a different person outside of a weekend social setting. I regret that nobody we've made friends just likes to stay in. Or read in a coffee shop. Or calls outside of the weekend. (Matt C. I'm excluding you from this generalization because you actually make an effort.)

Its insulting when you realize there's people in your life that need alcohol to be around you. And would probably be too hungover to help you in an hour of need. In my desire to seek out fun, I've found some of the same crowd from which I fled. Life is too short to deal with fair weather friends and people who're one way streets. I have a feeling a tangential shift in my life is coming, and soon.

Labels: life is short, personal, ramblings, thoughts

I got into a car accident today. I rear ended someone. I managed to hit them so lightly, that the only damage was that I put some of the "dark wax" that I had buffed onto my car that day (to hide scratches) was transfered onto their car.

But I did exchange insurance information. And it still sucked.


Grad School application is complete. Transcript has been over nighted to WVU. GREs scheduled for next thursday. I'm planning on throwing a party afterward. Wings. Gamecube. Liquor. That's how I get over standardized tests.

Labels: personal, ramblings, thoughts

"Stay Stay Stay" By Bedford, off of Smiles Are The Batteries (link below)

It may be true I've fallen for you
and its the worst single thing I could do

For if you knew how I really feel
you would be scared away
I think you know what I'm going to say
Stay .... Stay ... Stay ...

it may be true I'm kinda blue
and just one sure fuck you
say night good and good morning night
I swear my intentions are pure

I think you know what I'm going to say
stay stay stay
true

its meaning to you
and I guess its time you knew
this night won't end
with us as friends
you know what I want to do

I think you know what I'm going say
Stay Stay Stay

and if you don't believe me
I swear every word and you know its true
and if you don't believe me
i said i said i said "I do"

it may true
it may be right
we'll figure it all out after tonight
so close that door
its almost four
we've only got two hours till the light



I think you know what I'm going say
Stay Stay Stay

and if you don't believe me
I swear every word and you know its true
and if you don't believe me
i said i said i said i said "I do"

I can't believe I've fallen for you
and its the worst single thing I could do
'cause if you knew how I truly feel
you would be scared away
I think you know what I'm going to say
Stay.....Stay.....Stay.....
04-bedford_-_stay_stay_stay-fkk.mp3


Another song that always brings me back. I remember singing along to this live. Go Local Scene.

Labels: indie rock, lewisburg, love, music, personal, ramblings, thoughts

# posted by Chris Wilson : 2:39:00 PM  1 comments links to this post

(10:56:44 AM) redrobot5050: and considering how bad paris hilton's sex tape was
(10:56:49 AM) redrobot5050: and how famous she is now
(10:56:54 AM) redrobot5050: if yours is even WORSE
(10:57:02 AM) redrobot5050: just imagine how INFAMOUS you'll be
(10:58:11 AM) valaXXXX: yeah, negative famous
(10:58:14 AM) valaXXXX: if that is possible
(10:58:18 AM) valaXXXX: like, ur own parents forget who u are

Now we what to call it when you've done something so bad you're disowned: Negative Famous.

Labels: IM conversations, me trying to be funny, pop culture, quotables, thoughts

This is another post where I put up links from Reddit.com.


Here's some favorite quotes from Chuck Palahniuk -- the author of Fight Club, Survivor, Invisible Monsters, and Rant (and many more!)


Learning By Example: How Bad Code Proprogates. This talks about how some tech books have incredibly poorly written code samples (and even worse when it comes to editing, formatting, etc) and while a good/great programmer might be able to grasp what the author was hinting at and build a top notch implementation, the average or poor programmer will re-use the bad example code without understanding.

The Republicans are on the wrong side of history. This is a commentary article on the GOP Primary "debates", and how not a single candidate would support gays in the military. The commentator goes on to compare "seperate but equal" the phrase of segregation to "don't ask, don't tell", which is our current policy. Its well worth a read. If anything, you'll find yourself agreeing that there's a huge lack of leadership and vision on both camps.

Reactance is the psychological principal where one does the opposite of what one is persuading them to do. Such as teens drinking because alcohol is prohibited. Or kids rebelling because of the rules being too strict.

Pictures of Iraq, as seen through soldiers' eyes. I found this to be pretty moving. Some people took pictures of spots where comrades had fallen. Others just declared their love for their girlfriend Kelly on the side of their tank.

Crod Porn: A photographer on flickr.com took pictures of people's faces in a mosh pit waiting for the Red Hot Chili Peppers to come on stage. Everyone was stripped down to minimal clothing, hot, sweaty, and with a look of anguish on their face. It looks like an orgy (but isn't) -- and not the good kind. (Links are safe for work).

Labels: AJAX, links, pictures, politics, pop culture, quotables, ramblings, Reddit, thoughts

This thursday I was so stressed out I ended up running about 5 miles at Morris Park.

Then a friend tells me shes very likely going to lose her baby because of a pre-existing medical condition.

It really put my problems in perspective.

Things can always be harder.

A friend of mine told she's not ready to date either of her gentleman callers because she's emotionally unavailable because of a past relationship. I told her that we all promise not to hurt the ones we love, as we stand, knives at the ready. That's why it all cuts so deep.

It comes with the territory.

I'm moving this weekend. Its so my better half can be closer to school and work and friends. A lot of people in the past two days have actually stepped forward (who originally balked) to help move. When you're helping someone move a water bed, you know you're being selfless. And that also puts friendship into perspective.

In closing, if you're not thankful to be who you are, right now, alive and surround by friends who care about you welfare, you're probably beyond help. At least be thankful you didn't write these emo quotes that were posted on Xanga journals.

Labels: ramblings, thoughts

I've been meaning to write an update for a while, but with a move going on, seeing a friend off before he leaves for Australia, and just the usual apathy to blog about what little goes on my life that I feel comfortable broadcasting on the internet have led to a minor back up in content worth writing about.

I've been reflecting a lot. And I've been thinking about Patterns. In the terminology of a software engineer, a Pattern is supposed to be a term that describes a problem or solution to a problem. This way, previously recognized problems that have already been addressed by optimal solutions can be accurately described between one engineer and another -- they're 'above the domain'. (You can find a basic definition and more about the phrase "Design Pattern" here.

I've been thinking about Patterns with respect to personal interaction or personal relationships. I want to explicitly state that I'm steering away from archetype or stereotypes in a way to classify the people you meet. I'm more interested in how a pattern, or at least an acknowledged similarity in situations and interactions, and it gives us a predictability with respect to people that fall into that pattern.

Here's an example of the kind of predictive power I'm talking about. In my first relationship, my love at the time left for college before I did. In fact, where she went to college pretty much decided for me where I was going to go to college. I went to visit her in October, and that's where I met one of her close friends, Brad. Sometime during watching Rocky Horror Picture Show on halloween, Brad started playing with a Sharpie marker, and started writing on my girlfriend. Harmless flirting, right?

Fast forward a year until I'm a freshmen in college with my good friend M.H. M.H. had a cute asian boyfriend that was a guitarist for a semi-popular band at temple. They were trying to do the whole distance relationship thing. M.H. definitely had her doubts about it, but she was in love and headstrong about it, which is really the only way to be about it, and when she went to visit him at Temple, she discovered that several girls has written on his stomach and hips with a sharpie marker.

Now, my only evidence here is anecdotal, and had they lasted through college (which, when you evaluate the odds statistically speaking, was practically zero unless one of them transferred after the first year. Let's all just acknowledge that the only two things relationships have going for them are geographical proximity and the momentum of the relationship. Losing one and you've still got one engine left on which to limp around with. Lose both and you're plummeting out of the sky.) my point would be null and void, but I guess my point is that I've been hanging around college-age students since I was 16. So for the past 9 years I've watched people go through the same struggles over and over -- myself included.

I have seen people deal with the fear of being liked and fitting into the group -- again and again. I have seen people deal with the fear of rejection by pushing away or over-compensating. I've seen the couples where both people are too apathetic to make any changes in their life which would really result in their hapiness -- they are doomed to be each other. I have seen one person put it all on the line for the love of another, only to have to slink off to the corner and lick their wounds.

In some ways, I can predict the endings and they seem as packaged as the series finale of friends. In others, I know I have the ability to change the discourse -- and the direction, but so far, at least here in WV, I've made a point to stay out of people's lives. Let their business be their business.

The reason I've been reflecting upon this so much because I've noticed a certain stability about my pattern since graduation. I've been the graduate who's sticking around and making friends with college students that can go to bars. I'm not ashamed of it, as I'm only so personable and I had to make friends when I moved to an area where I knew nobody, but I feel its been one of the factors of my life that's inhibiting my personal development. I've been the guy showing off what little success I've had and showing people what might be "the smarter set" of options for them to consider when they're graduates. I find it easy to involve myself and advise people on the little problems that border on the menial intrigues of life.

It's like being the oldest. You can guide people through the paths you've walked and tell them about the decisions you've made and the regrets you have, but you don't really know what's over the next horizon. You know a few people buying their first house, their first 'dream car' or simply building a home entertainment center on credit card, but you don't see any of the real struggles or problems, and you're not part of that loop where they'd come to you for help, so there's no pattern for you copy in your own happiness.

You have to blaze a trail. And you alone have to hope it ends up leading towards that elusive goal of long term happiness.

I'm trying to come up with a strategy that's better than "this works for me" and "allow me to defend what's working for me to people who I feel do not share my unconventional world views". And that requires growth. Growth at this point isn't something that's hard to come by these days, but direction is. I need a direction to grow.

For geeks, as I've said before, the direction that seems most natural is what I call the 'horizontal' growth. Learn more career related skills. Branch out more. Increase your employability. I can do that all I want, but at the end of the day, I don't think the programming language I sling code in is going to have a measurable effect in my quality of life in the long term compared to devoting my energy into other efforts to do so.

What's a geek to do when there's no existing tribal wisdom for what ails him?

Labels: late night, life is short, personal, ramblings, thoughts

Can't afford a home? Don't worry -- your taxes will pay for someone else's!

This article talks about how now that the housing market is collasping, house prices are falling. So if you were intelligent and have good credit, now would be a good time to buy, except that some states are issuing tax-income subsides and state-bond backed loans to people who took advantage of the sub prime lending craze. So home prices aren't dropping -- benefiting the rich who bought homes at inflated values, and benefiting those who have already proven they are a bad credit risk. So basically, in many states right now, you are being penalized for doing the right thing and being a responsible citizen.

Switching to CFLs world wide could lead to the shut down of over 270 coal fired power plants.

This is one of the low-hanging fruit we can all take part in (and save a few dollars ourselves in the long run) that benefits both our wallet and the environment.

Here's an article titled: Giving up on Microsoft

The guy basically talks about how his perception of computing was "Why do people hate Microsoft so much?" Then he actually tried to develop to web standards and found that nothign really works with Microsoft. Its more complicated than that. He makes overtures about reaching across the isle and what not, but this article deserves a full response blog post.

Men's Health: Genius Junk Food

It turns out things like sour cream and pork rinds and coconut won't kill you if you use them in moderation.

Report shows consumers being price gouged at the gas pump

This one is from the "As if anybody didn't know" department.

Labels: ramblings, Reddit, thoughts

Cinco De Mayo this year was definitely about hedonism here in my little sector of the universe. I saw this because instead of tossing back a drink or two and sobering up before I even felt tipsy, I entered that state of entertainingly drunk where someone was actually able to convince me that the phrase, "You're the biggest douchebag I know" is actually a compliment, and half succeeded.

I'd like to point out to anyone that's actually reading this via my facebook blog feed on my profile that facebook is NOT Las Vegas. After being told who my new office roommate is going to be in a month, when she graduates from WVU's graduate CompSci program, I immediately found her on facebook. I messaged her and sent a friend request. Just trying to welcome her to her new career. I have not been face booked back. This could be that she is not addicted to face book like some of the people that I know, or that after viewing my profile, she's decided to hit up Monster.com and find somewhere else to work, but the devilish part of me wonders if she read the message and thought to hide pics of her drinking for fear of giving a bad impression.

Wait till she learns our company has an open bar at the company Christmas party, and how the team I'm on, since we've had a good year, celebrated with a huge helping of shots. Without naming any names, somebody who's never puked before met Mr. Jagerbomb and defiled a bathroom at Bent Willey's.

I guess I'm talking about this because of the obvious: Change causes trepidation. Especially the little changes. I have less stress over the decision to move here from Pittsburgh than I do knowing that in a few weeks I'll be occupying my supervisor's old office. All the space issues I have with my current office mate have been worked out. When I have an ocular migraines, he's comfortable working with the lights out, even as I struggle through the aftershock headache once I get my vision back. I know to crank my iPod volume up when he's doing metrics for his system -- they always seem to backfire at times and require a reboot of his system once or twice. This involves a lot of swearing on his part. He doesn't even look twice when I walk in later than usual with no real excuse except "I plan on staying late today" (this usually means I was unable to hear my alarm -- which is just my cell phone -- or I simply overslept from a late night.)

So I'm curious to know if I'm going to be able to ramble on about xkcd comics and "The Office" or if I'll have to incorporate more of the 'chit chat' style of talking: What's the difference between a 'classic' and an 'open' golf tournament. How about them mountaineers? Talk about this beautiful/crazy/depressing/enjoyable weather we're having so much of today? What's the deal with this memo from HR?

If you can't tell, I still carry a protective 'shell' around me at work. Maybe because between my last workplace experience and a relationship without trust have left me partially open to the idea that I'm just a difficult person to be around.

The progression goes 'quirky' to 'difficult' to 'douchebag' (one again, a tip of the hat and a wag of the finger to Ms. Sly -- you're quite the cheeky one.) to 'total asshole'. And while I've never vowed to be so hateful and petty as the 'top performers' at my last work place -- who, as the universe as my witness -- must've been sexually aroused by the thought of humiliating people they worked with -- I'd like to think that I leave the more abrasive parts of my personality at home. I have a job to do.

And so do the people around me.

So while there are articles appearing left and right (usually because some PR firm paid for them that you're to scrub and sanitize your myspace and facebook profile as employers are looking in with that 'we don't get it' and 'we are a morality police, and if you so much as drink a beer in your free time and/or enjoy life, we will hire someone else' I say embrace the hedonism. Let go a little. People who work hard play hard. And an entry level salary is a poor excuse for why you're conforming, anyway.

Whatever you do, be proud of it. Let go and embrace it. Just don't start up a blog about how much you love your 4 cylinder sports sedan, your cats, and other things that people don't really care about. It bores all of us to tears.

Labels: life is short, personal, ramblings, thoughts

I'd like to respond to a comment left by RainDog:

In all seriousness though, I think the problem of young people being too narcissistic is very real, and all it takes is looking at American Idol to see the sort of self-delusion people get themselves into. There is value in finding the right balance between modesty and self-confidence. None of that gets inherently gets in the way of having a good time in your youth.

In a recent playboy interview by Simon Cowell, the "Asshole we love to hate" of American Idol fame, he points that brutal honesty is a rare commodity for teens, and when he tell a 17 year old singer at their first audition that they will never have a career in singing, some of them actually say, "Thanks for being upfront. You've saved me a lifetime of embarrassment and humiliation."

Anyway, for the sake of argument, since I have a feeling that if I do a good job of arguing my point, RainDog, with his poker face wisdom and succinct writing will promptly skewer me in a way that's both entertaining and education for all.

I don't think American Idol is narcissistic, unless of course, democracy and soap operas are by nature narcissistic. American Idol is basically a soap opera meets talent competition. There are some competitors you hate from the get go. Some you root for because you identify them as the underdog. Others are the clean cut, all American musician. Their character, or their persona, if you will, strikes a chord in us by resembling an archetype we easily identify with either positively or negatively.

And towards the end of the show, the text messaging/dialing in votes for a nominal fee is the way the finalists "win" American Idol.

How is this narcissistic compared to the old days where they only way a musical group could get any traction in the mainstream was endless self promotion that resulted in selling out to whatever recording representative decided to make you offer?

If anything, American Idol teaches us what's wrong with democracy, not kids these days. People should be charged for the right to vote (and no, I don't mean taxes, I mean a simple, "To vote in today's presidential election, it will cost $1.99" surcharge. When you consider how many people will vote over and over for their favorite artist, spending in excess of $10 on text messaging the show, it seems that a little bit of marketing and commercialism could perhaps raise our pathetic voter turn out. Maybe Simon should be moderating our next presidential debate.

The other "big two" people point their fingers at when denouncing this modern generation are the social networking sites that target the young. Namely, Facebook and MySpace.com.

However, these arguments are basically groundless and here's why: Its just a website. Where people share news and photos. Do you think that the college republicans of previous generations didn't have a scrapbook of photos and a historian? Do you think the fraternities and sororities of the last generation didn't assemble their photos into albums or make copies of photo prints for their friends?

They did. Its just that now the process has gone digital. And more and more people are being a little bit more open about -- the barrier of entry to one of your peer's social group has been lowered. If just slightly. Can a complete stranger find embarrassing pictures of someone they know on Facebook? Sure. Could this damage someone's career? Maybe, but I'm going to say doubtful.

I find the whole "these pictures of drinking and smoking will make it harder for you to get a job" argument to be essentially groundless. Lost opportunities? Is it an opportunity to work for an employer that's going to turn around a month after hiring me and say, "Who is this person? They're not at all like the person I interviewed a month ago...". I think not.

Our generation is living in a time when openness is revealed as the idea. 50 years ago, psychologists would been busy committing anyone who admitted they were a homosexual. Society tried to brush it under the rug as a mental disease. Now, if you're on a college campus, you'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't have a gay friend. And while ignorance, intolerance, and bad jokes are still prevalent, the tolerance displayed today is a bit more than a baby step from electro-shock therapy.

What is one of the most unifying rallying cry of both left and right with respect to U.S. politics? Transparency. Its another word for openness. Release the notes and attendance log of the energy policy meetings. Release the intelligence behind Iran's "meddling" in Iraq (or at least cite a source).

The argument has been made before, and will be made again, that the leaders of past cultural movements -- the Dylans and Doles, played their part during the times both because of their ideals and their profit motive. So while previous generations look down for our narcissism, we look back in hindsight and do the same.

Why is it narcissism when a teen rails against having a curfew in his blog, but altruism when Eric Meyer or Jeffery Zeldman rail against the poor Cascading Style Sheets support in IE7? Is Eric or Jeff being altruistic, even when conferences all across the country are offering them moneybags to come speak at keynotes and teach workshops on web standards and and clean layout design? Or can we concede there might be a bit of narcissism in their profit/reputation oriented blogging as well?

Labels: blogging, narcissim, personal, ramblings, thoughts, today's generation

"Love is when you will let your woman make you a sandwich that you will eat while watching the Superbowl."
--My friend Chuck

Labels: love, me trying to be funny, quotables, ramblings, thoughts

The author of the blog Furious Seasons, a former professional journalist, decided to rant about this whole "web 2.0" thingie.

The hilarious part is that the buzzword "web 2.0" was made up by, get this, a print publisher. Not by geeks. He then went on to asset that online news -- mainly bloggers performing citizen journalism -- were a bad thing. They must be -- because they're gutting print media. Just like google is gutting classified advertising, the mainstay of print journalism. He then tells the "web 2.0" geeks that they have no balls, and no soul.

Being an engineer and a web developer, I thought I'd respond. Here is the comment I posted. I have a feeling it won't get past his moderation. It seems he's worried about catching quite a few flames.

I wonder why?

Update: He has posted more comments, and mine made it through his moderation filter.

Hahahahaha. Right. Google is bad because effective search with minimal advertising (yes, *minimal* -- and very easy to block with almost no knowledge, if that's how you roll) made the net usable.

You're a journalist. Stop and self-examine yourself. What is it a journalist does that a regular person with a blog doesn't do? Nothing. Blogging -- citizen journalists have already surpassed mainstream media (MSM) in content.

Let's see, thanks to your profession, we let this administration get away with calling anti-war activists 'un-American'. We had out-spoken politicians that raised serious, legitimate doubts about the war silence. We had the manipulated intelligence scandal AFTER finding there were no WMDs. Great timely reporting there, thanks MSM.

We had a CIA operative outed -- once again, thanks your government shilling. Speaking of PROFRESSIONAL journalism doing a better job than citizen journalists, where was the fact-checking on "They will greet us a liberators"?

Why is it the editors of the NYT stood alone in referring to GWB as "Mr. Bush" and not "President Bush"? Why will the editors of major publications run Op-Eds slamming the presidents, but won't go on the record for or against impeachment?

Your profession was kindly referred to as the "4th estate". You had a responsibility in keeping the citizen informed on the important events or not -- regardless of the citizen's apathy. Your profession pissed it all away for full-color sports pages and Dear Abby. Throw in a couple of press releases ("New gizmo reduces pollution in coal plants, so we at Coal International want you to know that coal isn't bad for the environment.") passed off as News and a bunch of crappy ads and you've got a modern newspaper.

There's nothing really modern about it. *Gasp*.

You're still trying to tell me how fabulous the emperor's new clothes are, over all the laughter coming from the citizen journalists at the blog party.

A journalist talking to an engineer about balls and soul is like a nun trying to give sex advice to a porn star. Seriously, what kind of drugs are you ON?

Here's an informative story you can run by your editor: The CEO of American Bridge, in 2004, while speaking at the University of Pittsburgh, stated "The liberal arts degree of the 21st century will be engineering and science." What he means to say is something soft on science/engineering will basically relegate to you an overpaid high school graduate. If you want to do anything meaningful, go to law school, enter politics, run a business, get a real job, you will need an engineering/science degree. Don't believe me? Ask the 400,000 Chinese engineers that graduate every year, as they steamroll past our soon-to-be declining economy.

Labels: ramblings, Reddit, thoughts, web 2.0

Prepare yourself for yet another stream of incoherent ramblings.

1. A friend of mine recently confessed to me a rather hilarious story. He and his girlfriend visited the low-rent strip club outside of our sleepy town of fairmont aptly nicknamed 'Dirty Vegas'. DV is known for its scantily clad women, and for the fact that it has an open touching policy. For a mere $2 *yes, I find it funny that its $2* the comely lass will provide you a dollop of moisturizer, and pretend to like it when you rub it on her T or A. And for $3, you can receive a mini-lapdance on stage, in front of all the other shady patrons.

My friend and protagonist of the story, in his infinite wisdom, decided to buy one of these mini lapdances for his girlfriend. I have known this couple (who will remain nameless) for as long as they've been together, and I can't think of a more straight laced women. I imagine convincing her of such an adventure must've required begging or blackmail, but I wasn't blunt enough to ask.

Let it be known that strippers apparently take more liberties with their female customers, and for this customer, it was apparently to far when her shirt was pulled up and *gasp*, like Janet Jackson, a nipple was exposed for all onlooking customers.

My friend confessed to me because we're cut from the same cloth. We admire the same kind of character. Call it seasoned. Call it street smart. Call it battle scared. We admire people who can make mistakes and learn to laugh about it. Call it a life experience and consider it water under the bridge.

I have another old friend who lived like this. She and I go way back to freshmen year. We grew distant, but through it all, because of this ability to laugh off mistakes, a trait we shared, we always gave ourselves away in conversations to one another. Like I time I could hear the regret she felt for liking a friend of mine. Deep down, she knew that despite having a physique that left her moist, his demeanor was that of an asshole, and it wouldn't change now matter how bad she wanted it to. And she had better fish to try.

Through the whole experience, and the name calling for all sides, I can respect the mistake making process. After all, the only thing worse than being talked about is NOT being talked about.

The light in our eyes and the smile on our lips that comes from enjoying life. Whether enjoying life comes in the form of making out to radiohead, writing a screenplay, a finely composed sonnet, or Miss USA making out with Miss Teen USA, in the end the defining moment of the experience is not what you accomplished or what people think you've accomplished, but how you feel about it. And if that's true, you should choose to feel good about everything you do. Regret is not really the virtue its paraded out to be, but more a failing of the short sighted. Maybe that's a bold statement, but everything counts towards something. Can it really be a mistake if you choose to make it?

2. Confidence. I feel there are two types of confidence. There is internal confidence, which comes from the conviction that you can do it. This is just something you feel inside you, and its hard to shake. Then there is external confidence, which is confidence you get from other people believing in you. This is something that's built up by clapping parents cheering for you at track meets, or attending the fall play to see how badly you butcher lysander's lines.

For myself, I've always barrowed off the character I inherited in a ShadowRun campaign. His mentality was, "You're only as good as your last job." This lead me to take praise from others with a severe grain of salt. I guess I learned early on to value the opinions of others only lightly. I think, looking back at this, its because I was incredibly goal focused as a kid, and was always planning on leaving my small town, intending on doing great things. It tends to make a lot of things in life fade away into the background chatter of your continue progress to "the future" where things, you tell yourself, will magically "get better". I even remember doubting in my mind the veracity of my first love's words when she said, "You are beautiful".

In hindsight, this attitude is almost contemptible. Think about it: You're essentially accepting that your immediate surrounds aren't perfect and aren't making you happy, but rather than strive to change it for the better, you're prepared to wait things out. Granted, for young people, as I was, this is simply the most realistic option. But a family is nothing but a collection of people. If there is something that needs to be changed, it has to start from within you, and inspire others.

The confidence I had was mostly internal. I had made up my mind what I was going to do. I knew what fascinated me and kept me occupied. Even when things appeared difficult, I was essentially unflappable. I would adapt; I would learn, I would overcome. Whatever it takes was just a way of life. I know that last sentence will resonate with some of our engineering graduates.

I have often wondered how to better create confidence in the people around me. I've often failed. This whole post could somehow be considered a rationalization, but don't stop now: hear me out. I feel my failure is a result of either trying to create external confidence -- which cannot come from a sole source, but from a support network, and is something I've grown up inherently devaluing. I also feel I fail at creating internal confidence because I created my own so long ago, and its just carried me with its own momentum. Even some of my more stunning failures have not stripped me of the confidence (with some exceptions. Ask one of my good friends about the dinner I took her out to our freshmen year, where we didn't speak at all during the main course.)

Still, the power of confidence is life transforming, and I wish I could inspire more people to live with a certainty of purpose. Don't let the purpose define you, merely, let it give you direction. You cannot be afraid to take risks and live your life. Its far to short as it is to worry if you're going to make mistakes.

Labels: confidence, insomnia, late night, life is short, ramblings, thoughts