The Robot's Thoughts

I have a plan

2010-01-26T10:28:00.000-05:00

I have a plan.

A plan I can stick to.

A plan that, whatever the outcome, will leave me in a better place than I was before I had the plan.

Mileposts have passed. I've made great strides. Where I was Thursday can be seen only if I squint while looking back.

The friends close enough to know my machinations, approve of this plan. Explaining it in Therapy got me a double thumbs up. The few that question, well, their concerns have always been noted.

I'm not avoiding the things that put my heart in my throat. Good or bad, its the scenery on my path.

My suffering, needless or not, is like a rainstorm. It will cross my path, but depart from it as well. The lesson is to appreciate the rain; appreciate the sun. Both are impermanent. Both matter in the moments they are present.

I apologize to anyone curious enough to read this post, looking for more truth than some simplistic, abstract jibber-jabber. For you, I have a story. I reconnected with my old roommate. She and I spent Sunday evening watching FX's new show, Archer, and a few Dexter episodes. I fell asleep next to her, because I hadn't gotten a good night's sleep all weekend. She woke me up when it was time to take her home. It was really good to see her. I hadn't realized how much I missed her until I woke up, head on her shoulder. My cat, Kara, really seems to like how she smells, probably because she has cats as well. I think I'm going to start watching MAD MEN with her, however, as I've already seen Dexter enough.

The Chinese character for "heart" is the same character for "mind". Heart and Mind are one. Little things like that are neat facts I like to learn .

601st Post: Quote of the Day

2010-01-20T12:17:00.000-05:00

"The tongue is like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood."

--Buddha

Tell me about it.

Cat Ties

2010-01-19T12:52:00.002-05:00

Apparently Target is selling these:

I can't wait to find one that will fit Kara. Then she can be dressed up if I throw a "formal party" or something.

A series of unrelated tales with a central protagonist

2010-01-18T23:58:00.000-05:00

It wouldn't be a night out at Bent Willey's if I wasn't stuck between two groups of Guidos from Jersey who cut in line, arguing over which one of them is more hardcore because of where in Jersey they grew up. Nothing like starting a night out with a a metaphorical dick measuring contest.

At the same night, a friend of a friend was turning 21. I was supposed to meet the birthday girl on the behest of my friends, because "she's single, you're single." It's like the game memory: There's one, there's another. Match!

She never made it out to Bent because her house party was packed and happening and all that Jazz. So I ended up alone at Bent. I was going to go home, crash early for church, but my friend Arzu came out, paying back one of the many favors I racked up supporting her through a traumatic break-up. Her boyfriend, her, and myself danced the remainder of the night away, and I felt less sad for doing so. Talk about a life saver.

I ended up meeting someone named Brooke. She was out with her boyfriend. I had one conversation with her, asking her about her leopard print gloves. That pseudo-80s style looks like something that Jen would like, and something that would be for sale at Rue 21. After that conversation, I got death stares from her boyfriend anytime I entered his visual field. I found that a little flattering. Thank you, whoever you are, for thinking me a threat, when she's obviously out of my league.

Nightlife stories aside, I've covered three chapters on Buddhism in my readings. I have to put it down soon to do homework, otherwise I won't be able to go out to Swing Dance tomorrow night. I definitely want to have my Lindi Hop down should I decide to relocate to a more urban area after graduation. But I'm covering the basic stuff right now. It will help me grow, but as of yet, it will not help me heal.

My curious kitten Kara had her first experience with Sriracha, also known as "Cock Sauce" for the rooster on its label. She got too close when sniffing the bottle (before I could take it off the table) and got some on her nose. She spent like 20 minutes silently sneezing as she tried to purge the burnination from her sinuses. Poor kitty.

My best friend Chuck is throwing a send-off party this weekend in Pittsburgh. To complete his PhD Fellowship, he has to spend 4 months doing research in Brazil as part of a sustainability study. Basically, he's trying to build sensors that could tell us if an oil pipeline is going to blow up from overpressure. Hopefully, it will prevent pipelines from becoming eco-disasters in the future.

It will suck that he will not be around for 4 months, but this weekend will surely be a good time. We're going out on a bar crawl, after going to the hofbrauhaus in Pittsburgh. German beer, german food, live music, with a night of drinking with fellow Pens fans. I should only be out of town for day. Chuck wants space this weekend to pack, and I have a cat that I don't want to leave alone, seeing as she is undaunted by high balconies, expensive computers, or spicy sauces. She needs attention and supervision. But who knows, depending on how much time I have, I might stop by and visit some of my friends out in the Swickley area.

Therapy is going well, in the sense that I'm comfortable being there and talking about what's going on with my life. I'm at a point where I'm conflicted with my temper. There are two selfish people here in Morgantown, whom I have every right to be mad at them, and wish very bad things upon them, but on the same token, I really have no reason to be upset with them. I think discussing how to manage anger in these situations will be beneficial to the work in progress that is me.

My goal this week is to focus on my breathing, which I'm doing as part of my meditation anyway, and aside from cataloging and confronting automatic negative thoughts I'm to focus on creating automatic positive thoughts. I've always thought my cynical thoughts were an aid to being an engineer. When you can imagine what can go wrong, you can safeguard against it. Its the unknown unknowns that really get you in life.

Well, enough for now. Back to the grind.

Stolen From Don off soapbox

2010-01-15T12:39:00.002-05:00

I think this quote speaks for itself:

'A successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of
wrongs committed, apologies offered, and forgiveness
granted, all leavened by the occasional orgasm.'
-- Dan Savage

Spare Updates

2010-01-14T11:49:00.000-05:00

For those watching this space, there will be more updates to my blog coming soon.

There will probably be one long post looking back over 2009 coming up soon.

In the mean time, I'll tide you over with these three small bits and pieces of my life.

The first is that I'm quitting smoking. I started shortly my break up. I was mourning. Love is an intangible thing, but it can still die suddenly and leaves those who still believe in filled with second thoughts and deep regret.

The second is that I've started seeing a therapist. One of the co-workers I'm on good terms with, and whose judgement I trust, recommended someone to me. I've only covered an initial interview, and set some goals; how I progress is entirely up to me, I suppose. How much left over energy I have between work, 9 credits of grad school, and an apartment search is still up in the air.

Finally, I fell asleep behind the wheel on my way to work yesterday. I was heading off the road when the rumble strips woke me and allowed me to correct my course. If you know anyone who had to do with the invention of rumble strips, thank them for me.

Boy Meets Girl

2010-01-06T12:12:00.002-05:00

On Remembrances and Letting Go

2009-12-30T15:03:00.000-05:00

Arline Feynman died on June 16, 1945. The paper on which this letter was written is well worn, and it appears as though he reread it often.

    To Arline Feynman, October 17, 1946

    D'Arline,

    I adore you, sweetheart ... It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you — almost two years but I know you'll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing. But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and what I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you.

    I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together — or learn Chinese — or getting a movie projector.

    Can't I do something now? No. I am alone without you and you were the "idea-woman" and general instigator of all our wild adventures. When you were sick you worried because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn't have worried.

    Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true — you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want to stand there.

    I'll bet that you are surprised that I don't even have a girlfriend after two years. But you can't help it, darling, nor can I — I don't understand it, for I have met many girls ... and I don't want to remain alone — but in two or three meetings they all seem ashes. You only are left to me. You are real.

    My darling wife, I do adore you. I love my wife. My wife is dead,

    Rich.

    PS Please excuse my not mailing this — but I don't know your new address.

The downside to loving someone so much -- almost more or equal to yourself -- is the hurt when they are gone from your life. From the perspective of the universe, our existence is but a flash in the pan -- an insignificant speck. But in that spec, we find love, and joy, and mourn their departure from our lives.

And we are diminished in its passing.

Meditation Update

2009-08-20T00:34:00.000-04:00

Today was the toughest day I've ever had for keeping thoughts out of my head.

Maybe its the lack of sleep that I've gotten all week.

Maybe its the fact that I'm actually feeling like a part of the team at work and I have work to do. Like I'm a part of something again.

Maybe its the 1:45am phone call I got from a friend last night, on the verge tears. Sleep doesn't matter compared to old friend's troubles.

So my mind was everywhere today. I couldn't focus. It was frustrating. I even asked for help from the group after I felt I had wasted my hour in nature.

Their advice was simple:
1) This is part of the process. It was a busy day.
2) The two things you develop in meditation, awareness of what your mind does, and
focus. When you lose focus, at least be aware of it. Find your breathe. Sometimes you can't be one with the universe. Sometimes you can only be one with your breathe.
3) Mediate more. Even 5 minutes at work. As it becomes part of your daily life,

I didn't go out to Karaoke tonight. I'm helping a friend take her mind off somethings, and I'm doing laundry and finding my breathe. Tomorrow I'm going to meditate, and maybe if I'm feeling up to it, I might ask someone to walk with me through WVU's arboretum. But right now I long for solitude. Silence. Stillness.

6am wake up call. I'm surprised I'm even still awake. I took 4 capsules of valarian root, and joined my friend for a Cosmo. She's going to stay up on watch Bill Marhar on Demand while I retire once this final load of laundry is done.

Legion's Restricted Trailer

2009-08-19T01:17:00.000-04:00

I so want to see this movie.

Alive in Joberg

2009-08-19T00:35:00.000-04:00

This is the short six minute film the director Neill Blomkamp did to sell people on the idea of District 9. This was all I saw going into District 9, and I came out feeling amazed.

Buffy Vs. Edward

2009-08-18T18:37:00.000-04:00

Someone over at pinkraygun.com put together a mash up Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Edward. Or, as they title it, "Buffy Vs. Edward".

Much more watchable than the original Twilight. Not that I'm saying much there.

Enjoy.

Post #590: "Susquehanna" -- A Poem For My Sister

2009-08-12T20:02:00.001-04:00

So my sister is doing a print for a Chesapeake Bay/Susquehanna River themed exhibition. She asked me to write a "zen poem" regarding the Susquehanna river, which ran through our town. She said she would use part or all of it in her print.

So this is something I whipped up -- using all three weeks of my zen mastery.
(Feel free to be critical of this. I'm hoping this showing up in facebook would get some of the more useless liberal arts majors to workshop my work. The gauntlet has been thrown down)

I am a stone in the riverbed,
water washing over me.
Polishing my rough edges
until I am nothing but sand.

I am a tadpole hatched in the river.
I swim against the current.
Anxiously awaiting the day,
I can drift merrily on a lily pad.

I am the current in the stream,
I guide without leading.
I know my destination,
But not the path I follow.

I am the island in the river,
current sweeping my muddy shore.
I play host to trees, frogs, and birds.
Isolated; alone but never lonely.

I am the Endless Mountain Range,
Eternal, Immovable, and unchanging in time.
Never have I felt the sun rise,
without your water flowing around me.

I am the Chesapeake Bay Wind,
I carry the river's scent to all creatures.
May they feel my gentle presence, and
Let it bring harmony to their spirit.

I am a wandering bird,
adrift in the wind.
Right where I need to be,
wings spread to soar.

I am a cloud high above the river.
I appear as quickly as I vanish.
My teardrops nourish all below.
Lasting joy in a fleeting existance.

So yeah. Get in touch with me if you have recommendations to make this suck less.

Prayer of an Unknown Confederate Soldier

2009-08-11T01:07:00.001-04:00

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey...
I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things...
I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise...
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God...
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things...

--AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Goals Accomplished, Goals Planned

2009-08-10T01:00:00.000-04:00

Goals Accomplished This Past Week:

All work tasks accomplished by the end of the week.
Birthday Venue Booked for October 16th.
Three Day Weekend Spent with Sara Beth.
"The Nightman Cometh" Live tickets purchased for myself, Ron, and Erin.

Goals To Accomplish This Coming Week:

Find a Junkyard that will pay me what I want for my car.
Place all my books/dvds that aren't "life essential" up for sale on Amazon.com.
Get my Passport photos taken.
Talk to Ron about incorporating Creatine into our workout routine.
Get my course registration form signed by my adviser and register for classes.

I have one full physical year left of grad school. I can graduate in spring 2010 if I take 9 credits. Or, its possible I might be conduct my final classes through WVU's e-campus software.

This means I can transfer out to my company's Virginia branch as early as March/May next year.

And then after my year of working to pay my company back, I will be 29. I will be out of debt (except for my car, which will be 75+% paid off). Then I'm going to do something based off a discussion I had with fellow Zen practitioners after walking meditation. I'm going to join an organization like the Peace Corp. Or AmeriCorp. Or possibly something that might take me outside the U.S. We as a society praise celebrities like Michael Jackson, but real heros are people who volunteer to help build wells, treat malaria, etc. Humanitarians are "real heros", as the speaker put it. To do good for another human being is praiseworthy.

I have time to research it. But its something I've wanted to do since I was 18, but I've always had to push back. The grants I was relying on to pay for college would expire when I turned 22. Needing to support family or get out of debt. Seriously romantically engaged with someone.

There's really no time like the present.

Your Farm

2009-08-09T11:28:00.001-04:00

They kept laying eggs.
Your cows needed milking.
The weeds were killing your crops.
Come home, come home, they miss you.
Life on the farm doesn't stop.

All the friends you've bought drinks,
Won't miss a beat.
They're happy to see you smile.
Come home, come home, they miss you.
If just for a little while.

All the work that you've done,
rots underneath the sun
and the streams wash away your tracks.
Come home, come home, I miss you.
But I know you're never coming back.

Patrick Stewart Alphabet

2009-08-07T15:43:00.000-04:00

File this one under "WTF".

Somewhere Inside, a Path to Empathy

2009-08-04T00:43:00.001-04:00

Here's the link (if it wants a username and password, use metafilter46/metafilter) to a NYTimes.com article by David Finch regarding how his marriage was on the rocks until he and his wife confronted the fact that he has Asperger's Syndrome, a autism spectrum disorder where people are "odd" or "neurotic" and high functioning.

It goes on to describe how he was able to "fake" being normal until they started living together and more and more time was spent. His wife, who worked with Autistic children, because to notice that he was "a bit off" socially and had repetitive behaviors. And that trying to talk to him about it drove him away. He shut down when confronted by it. But she worked at it, and so did he, and while not out of the woods yet, their marriage is saved and they're able to communicate. A good, short read.

It always brings to mine a close friend of mine that's always had problems outside of "functional" groups, or places where there's an "easy to feel" hierarchy. He took the Asperger's Quotient test and scored a 28. A 32 or higher is considered "seek out a professional for a real diagnosis". Its important to note that many people with A.S. lead normal, functioning lives. But others have problems building lasting relationships. I often wonder if the same techniques people are developing to teach compassion and empathy to those who only point of reference is themselves could help me navigate obstacles in my own journey inward.

Bad News, Good News

2009-08-04T00:32:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I weighed myself with a scale I purchased this payday. Without anything but boxers on, my scales reads me as 193.2 lbs. This is the first time I've hovered above 190 for more than a week. This is also the heaviest I've ever been.

On the other hand, today on "Chest" day, I put up 185. And not as a max, either. Full set. It originally took me somewhere between three and four months the last time I was really lifting weights to hit that. I'm hitting 3 weeks into this workout routine. (Granted, this whole summer I've been doing pull-ups, so I haven't lost too much upper body strength).

So for that one bit of bad news yesterday, I received a bit of good news today -- or what I consider good news. That is the little bit of balance in my universe. That, and I will be increasing my cardio sessions from 30 minutes to 45.

Meditation And Mindfulness

2009-08-02T23:33:00.000-04:00

So this past Wednesday I attended a Zen/Buddhist Meditation group for the first time. If you followed past entries, they were meeting outside in the middle of a rainstorm. Turn out, as to be expected, was not exactly high. But the gentleman running the show was kind enough to give me some introductory advice.

The first step as a beginner is to simply count your breath. Take a breath. One. Exhale. Take a breath. Two. Exhale. Take a breath. Three. Exhale. Some random thought -- "I have to buy milk on the way home after this" pops into your head. Start over.

I usually get to about eight. By my estimate, this means that my total concentration can blot out all the streams of thought in my head for about 15 seconds. Then the torrent of thoughts pop up again. How am I going to get the mud off my shoes? Is that a dog barking off in the distance? What kind? I wonder how many species of trees and plants live in this arboretum? How much time has elasped? Where does this trail lead? Does this trail allow bikes on it? Should I be mindful of bikers? Does America really run on dunkin?

Not exactly the easiest first start towards obtaining the tools that lead towards enlightenment.

Then again, when I first became a cross country runner, those first miles were the hardest. When I was a sprinter, those first starts out of the blocks were the most awkward, jerky, inconsistent. I have a beginner mind. One I've spent years training to pay attention to distractions and live mindful of details. I thought programming would've given me the focus and headspace to thrive in such cerebral exercise.

I was wrong.

Programming has taught me to see far, like I have given myself a pair of binoculars. Zen is teaching me to see close, like I'm using a microscope to examine that which is right in front of me. Things between the two are entirely similar, and yet, so much is different.

So I meditated Saturday while my friends amused themselves with my Xbox 360. Sitting meditation is easier for the beginner mind than walking meditation. It is hard however, to maintain concentration while your friend cusses out his team mates on Xbox Live.

I feel like I am making progress, but yet I am still a beginner with much to learn. The endless possibility of a beginner's mind excites me. And to truly embrace the compassion taught in the eight verses for training the mind (My two favorite: "Whenever I associate with others / May I think of myself as the lowest of all / And from the depth of my heart / Hold the others as supreme" and "In all actions may I search my mind / And as soon as delusions arise / That endanger myself and others, / May I firmly face and avert them.") has been a goal of mine since I first loved another human being more than myself.

Douchebag Name Generator

2009-07-29T16:39:00.003-04:00

This is hilarious. Its from the makers of T-Shirt Hell.

Did you know my Douchebag name is Chris?

I'm guessing the answer is "yes".

Click Here to visit http://www.douchebagnamegenerator.com/

Four Hands Might Not Hold A Burden Better Than Two

2009-07-29T16:36:00.000-04:00

I apologize for recent stream of 'personal' blog posts instead of just my regular link and insight sharing.

Here is what my facebook status is currently:

Hope without a horizon is how the human spirit has overcome so many obstacles. These sad thoughts will fade, but I will remain. The sun shall rise again on my face once again.

Yesterday I actually welcome all the tiny little work distractions. Yesterday I had to take several walks for air. Yesterday I lost that 'energy' I previously blogged about. I was backsliding. Old feelings got the better of me; I hope they didn't bring out the worst in me.

A close friend noticed my distress and gave me some honest advice. If I really wanted her back, I would have to confront her and tell her that this is the last chance to tell me she feels something for me. "It's better to know for sure", they said, "then wonder."

I thanked my friend for their input. I told them I'd consider it. Then I promptly discarded their advice. I tried that before she left town.

Her Burden is that her heart can feel the pain and grief of another.
My Burden is another heart cannot feel the love in mine.

The slipping, sliding feeling of backsliding makes me feel like walking on uneven-ground. Its days like that I'm thankful for the gym. Nothing rights my world like a good sweat. That whole mind-body feedback thing works both ways. All that anxious energy, that pent up stress, is worked off and the mind naturally de-stresses with it.

Waking up to the rain, knowing that my meditation group would be meeting outside for over an hour, was not encouraging this morning. I bought an umbrella. My spirit might have had a rough day yesterday carrying its burden, but I know it will lighten with every step forward in the path I forge for myself.

On a completely un-related note, I have to find another set of songs that I can sing semi-decently for kareoke tonight that I can conceivably pull off. I'm thinking of doing Cake's "The Distance". The (older) crowd will probably find that novel enough, yet classic enough to enjoy.

Kitten Mittens!

2009-07-29T13:16:00.000-04:00

I fucking love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
I can't wait for season 5 of this show to air.
I should go as green man for halloween.

Your Letter

2009-07-28T16:26:00.000-04:00

There's yr letter,
theres you on my floor.
theres you in the corner,
theres me, wondering what this is for.
Have you finally met her?
Is it to say you wish for me,
only the best, i hope you never get her
I hope its saying how you know now
theres nothing left
Read yr letter, read it five times now
But still dont get it, all this shit about memories
and you and me, and the way it used to be
and how you half-regret it. and how it feels so
good to get it off yr chest. I wish i never read it.
makes me wish i was the one who left.
Oh i need a letter, ooh I need a letter,
oh I need a letter but not that kind.
I dont need a ltter to help me remember what is not
what was never mine, ooh i need a letter, oh i need a letter
oh I need a letter but not that kind.
I wish i never read ot. mkaes me wish i was the one
who left.
Still got yr letter. Its sweating in my hands.
With a note that says 'Come get her, she was never in love again."
shes waiting in line again.
Oh i need a letter, ooh i need a letter,
I need a letter but not that kind.

I, too, need a letter. But not that kind.

Sys-Con Media Stealing Content, Author Identities.

2009-07-28T11:09:00.000-04:00

This article by Aral Balkan pretty much lays it out on the line. Sys-Con steals and re-publishes content from authors, without permission. My (no longer) famous article decrying new college grads to ditch a company if they're going to be working in a cubical was republished by Sys-Con.com. Granted, because my host at the time was getting crushed under the collective loads of Digg, Slashdot, and Reddit, I was happy to have someone mirror the article and gave permission after the fact.

It now seems they've taken a turn for the shady. So please, if you're a tech worker, read the article and follow the author's recommendations of boycotting Sys-Con publications and industry conferences.